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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you no longer love someone do you just know like when you do fall in love

47 replies

thatlldonicely · 04/01/2014 13:16

me again - still ongoing - no futher forward & getting down by it all.
DH has said he no longer loves me & looked me in the eye saying this. when we first started talking he said he would love it if things were how they used to be. He still seems to be carrying on as normal and I am getting frustrated by his lack of action -and it is starting to take its toll on me. i have asked him if he thinks we can get back to how we were and he is not sure and also not sure if that is what he wants. i have asked him to leave he says & does nothing. what i would like to know is if you come to a point where you are saying you no longer love someone can you ever get back from this and does it just hit you like when you first love someone. I am trying every which way i can to try and understand what is going on but my gut reaction is that it is over and that this is him just avoiding facing what needs to happen. To cap it all i have been talking to my DF about this and he has just told me to take things slow as this could all be down to MH issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
thatlldonicely · 04/01/2014 13:18

thats my MH issues by the way not DH -i suffered from a work related incident 20 yrs ago but been on ADs ever since & volontarily increased them as i knew this would put me under a lot of stress - no starting to feel as though im losing it

OP posts:
Minime85 · 04/01/2014 14:06

I dont know any info from previous threads but I could have written most of your thread. my h said similar to me in the summer. supposedly tried to make it work. had hope but he couldn't/wouldn't try . separated November. but it was me in end who had to say just admit you want it over or just do something about it. but in my gut I knew. I knew it was over. he didn't want to admit or accept that.

believe your gut. I do think people can make a go of things and get things back but both have to be in it. both have to want it and believe in it.

wishing you well.

Joysmum · 04/01/2014 14:20

I don't know that I could. We've had some shit times over the years, had times where I move hated how things have been or even simply been indifferent. Fact is, that despite all of that I've never stopped living my husband or wanted to stop improving our marriage and earning his love.

So I guess the question is, is it you he doesn't live, or the direction your lives have taken?

Blondeorbrunette · 04/01/2014 15:17

How fucking awful for you op. Must be horrible to be in that situation.

If I were you I would ask him to leave. As much as it hurts he looked you in the eye and told you this.

Lweji · 04/01/2014 15:31

First of all it's shocking that your father is blaming your MH problems. It is a shit situation to be in and that would unbalance most people.

You need to define the situation, which means he must tell you what this statement means and what he plans to do about it.
If he does nothing, then you should, for your sake.

However, it's odd that he told you this, but is doing nothing. It sounds more like he's expecting you to run after him. For an ego boost or to control you.
Beware and don't fall into that trap.

Tonandfeather · 04/01/2014 16:52

Can you link to other posts from you?

In the interim, I would say that the reason he hasn't left yet is because he hasn't got anywhere else to go for now. I'm sure you've considered he's having an affair because that's usually behind stories of husbands bleating about lost love, but maybe the OW doesn't want to put him up or can't at the moment. She might be married.

I'd suggest ending it yourself and not hanging around any longer for him to change his mind or bide his time till his new living arrangements get sorted for him.

Original poster
thatlldonicely · 04/01/2014 18:44

ton will link other posts - there are a few - the dadsnet one has most details - have seen you posting on other threads and could really do with someone sticking around to talk to - have missed out on a family occassion tonight as feel & look like shit and i have run out of strength to play the happy family game - iam also going to post on the MH board as i think i may be in for a depressive spell.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1946522-my-husband-has-just-told-me-hes-not-sure-how-he-feels-about-me-anymore

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1947571-help-shit-im-scared-panicking

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1947889-can-anyone-give-me-some-hope-we-can-get-through-this

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/dadsnet/1949938-help-please-need-a-male-perspective-what-is-going-on-with-my-DH

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1953442-do-you-ever-feel-jealous-of-the-relationship-your-DH-has-with-DD

OP posts:
Original poster
thatlldonicely · 04/01/2014 19:03

up until this morning i felt fairly ok with what was happening - i do understand that people fall out of love - its the time it has taken for him to tell me and now the seemily lack of doing anything about it - i had even gone through some of the practicalities of him moving out. my dads response has just about finished me off & DH was cross at this too - we have had some previous issues - i was upset and just cried at dh l get you dont love me anymore please just go because all this is doing my head in - he said he knows .i have been sleeping all afternoon & he has gone out so no more has been said

OP posts:
Tonandfeather · 04/01/2014 23:52

Hello. I admit I've only read the top thread and the men's one and I see an affair has been suggested by others on the first one at least.

I also see he went out tonight.

I think you'd be better off ending this. If he won't go, is it possible for you and your child to go elsewhere?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/01/2014 00:38

hello, love

I think you need to take all the advice you have been given previously, accept that your relationship is over and make your moves accordingly

This comes across as very stark input, but what other choice do you have ?

he doesn't want you but it seems he still wants his chief cook and housekeeper

get him out any way you can

Where is your anger, love. You are being a doormat and his contempt for you must be huge

Please, find your self respect and get yourself out of this miserable situation as he simply does not 1) have the guts 2) respect you enough to do it himself

Original poster
thatlldonicely · 05/01/2014 15:15

thanks ton he went out to a planned event - i chose not to go - there is no one else involved in this - anyfucker my moods are all over the place at the moment and this post was done after a v hurtful conversation with my dad . i can assure you i have been angry and i am in no way being a doormat. I am not going to give up on 20 years marriage without doing everything i can first. You may well be right that this is over - but i need to come to that decision myself and am exploring any avenue that i can. he has realised he is being unfair and has said he will move out so initially i am upset but then i am angry that he thinks it is ok for him to bale out when he feels unhappy and just as the kids are going to hit puberty and ill be the one left dealing with it all - no matter how good the arrangements are i cant believe that this can be the same as having two parents under one roof

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/01/2014 16:04

Even when one parent treats the other with complete contempt ? Not a good lesson to be modelled for children hitting puberty, IMO.

Your choice to tolerate it though. As ever, Mumsnet will be here when you need more (of the exact same) advice. Good luck xx

Minime85 · 05/01/2014 16:27

thataldo I think you are right to think and try everything you can otherwise you would look back and never now. however I found myself that I felt I'd done much and it was only me doing it. at that point I knew I had to say enough and make him face it before we hated each other. before we were not able to be amicable not just for our dcs' sake but ours too, our friendship and marriage. we wanted to at least be able to look back on it fondly and not let all the happy years (13) be tainted.

I do think with teenagers it is harder. mine our primary age and I was very aware that once you hit secondary age the way they can deal with it is very different , I speak as a secondary teacher and form tutor.

sending you much understanding and support and do hope things turn around for you.

MadBusLady · 05/01/2014 17:36

Not much to add but I am fuming about what your father said. This is black and white down to your DH declaring he doesn't love you any more - he admits as much. How DARE your father suggest your MH issues are implicated here? It is absolutely amazing to me the mental contortions people will go through to blame somebody else's crappy relationship decisions on the victim.

Wishing you strength to find a way to get rid of your unhelpful H - at least for now. How can you be expected to keep living like this? And it sounds like your dad is not a good person to confide in unfortunately.

Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 17:40

It always confuses me when people say with absolute certainty "there is no one else involved". How can you know that unless you've got a PI on his tail?

From what I read on your other posts, everyone is agreed on at least one thing. You won't resolve this situation by waiting it out and staying with him. But you don't want to take that advice, so maybe you keep writing in the hope that one person will say you're doing the right thing? Such a person is bound to turn up eventually, but they'll be a lone ranger or possibly a man who identifies with your husband.

Original poster
thatlldonicely · 05/01/2014 17:46

anyfucker if this doesnt work out you can be the first to say" i told you so" and i will hold my hand up & say you were right - the fact that he said he would move out was enough for me (at the moment) as it showed he was listening & thinking about what i was saying - i think it just takes him longer to process

minithank you for your comments - you have obviously seen the effect it has on kids - any advice as to how to minimise the effect if it gets to that stage - we have told them what is going on - i felt it was right that they should know rather than make their own assumptions

one thing i am confused about DH suddenly seems to be doing some of the jobs i have nagged about - really dont get this - under the circumstances i would expect him to be doing zilch - is this guilt?

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 05/01/2014 17:49

Does it matter? it's certainly not him changing his mind. Really try to focus on what you want/need, not him. You're cutting him a lot of slack by allowing him "processing" time.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2014 18:03

I wish you well, love. Him ? Not so much.

Original poster
thatlldonicely · 05/01/2014 18:24

ton where you the victim of an affair - just helps me get a perspective on the comments being made -
i dont know whether im cutting him slack or just giving myself a bit of breathing space - i feel like ive been through an emotional rollercoaster the last 2 weeks and just want the kids settled back at school before anything else happens

OP posts:
Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 18:35

No, but a few of my close friends have. Their husbands were saying much the same as yours is. Wrote about it on some other poor poster's thread the other day, whose husband is also using the same script as yours.

IHadATinyTurtle · 05/01/2014 23:09

This is probably awful advice, but in your situation I would probably try to make some changes to myself, try to be more positive, make more of an effort appearance wise - maybe new clothes/makeup if you use it, could make you feel more confident and that can really affect how you act.
I'd also make an effort to 'treat' him in little ways, be more attentive and just generally act more like I would at the start of a relationship.

Obviously you shouldn't HAVE to do this, but it's what I'd personally do if I wanted to try to renew things.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2014 23:17

Yes, that is awful advice.

Pan · 05/01/2014 23:22

We need an award ceremony.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2014 23:36

Wot ? Like a "raspberry" award for the poorest relationship advice given in in a week, day, hour year ?

Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 23:43

One of my friends feels more awful and resentful of the unwitting "pick me" sex she got involved in than the affair itself. She also thinks that if anything, it prolonged the affair. I can see why. With two women dancing attendance on a very selfish man, what impetus is there to change that?