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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you no longer love someone do you just know like when you do fall in love

47 replies

thatlldonicely · 04/01/2014 13:16

me again - still ongoing - no futher forward & getting down by it all.
DH has said he no longer loves me & looked me in the eye saying this. when we first started talking he said he would love it if things were how they used to be. He still seems to be carrying on as normal and I am getting frustrated by his lack of action -and it is starting to take its toll on me. i have asked him if he thinks we can get back to how we were and he is not sure and also not sure if that is what he wants. i have asked him to leave he says & does nothing. what i would like to know is if you come to a point where you are saying you no longer love someone can you ever get back from this and does it just hit you like when you first love someone. I am trying every which way i can to try and understand what is going on but my gut reaction is that it is over and that this is him just avoiding facing what needs to happen. To cap it all i have been talking to my DF about this and he has just told me to take things slow as this could all be down to MH issues.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/01/2014 23:47

If I ever got manoeuvred into doing the "pick me" dance of being nicer, giving more BJ's, STFU, warming the slippers, add in your own metaphors for behaving like a doormat etc my anger at both myself and the person that got me there would be so nuclear you would see the explosion from space.

Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 23:55

yes and I completely understand why my friend feels angrier about that than anything else. Wish she'd confided in me but kept the whole thing under wraps as did other chums when they were going through it. Took advice off mums who reached majority in the fifties and were fond of Tammy Wynette it seems.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2014 23:57

ugghhh

Lweji · 06/01/2014 00:05

This is probably awful advice, but in your situation I would probably try to make some changes to myself, try to be more positive, make more of an effort appearance wise - maybe new clothes/makeup if you use it, could make you feel more confident and that can really affect how you act.

I think this part is good advice.

Then dump him.

On him doing the jobs, my guess is that he wants to run after him, but he has suddenly realised that you aren't, so he's making you doubt yourself, into thinking that he really is a good guy and you don't want to lose him.

InTheRedCorner · 06/01/2014 00:13

I think this part is good advice.

^ no no no no no and another no. Why?? Tell him you need time as pnd space to sort your feelings out and get him gone for ever now.

Lweji · 06/01/2014 00:31

It is ok because it's for the OP only. A bit of self confidence is good for her. Particularly if it makes her less dependent on him.

Lweji · 06/01/2014 00:32

I mean it in doing it for yourself, not the husband.

MadBusLady · 06/01/2014 12:47

Maybe. I think little things to boost your confidence have to flow from your decision to improve YOUR life though. And she can't really make that decision - she doesn't have her own life - while this twerp is hanging around having his precious midlife crisis at her. It would be very easy to go down the personal appearance route and end up in the "pick me" dance, however much you told yourself it was just for you.

Original poster

thatlldonicely · 06/01/2014 13:43

i am still here and am a little amused how most threads seem to end up with posters fighting amongst themselves and totally ignoring the fact that the OP came on here for support. some of the comments do not come across well. i have carried on and done what i would normally have done today had this not happened and cleaned the house post xmas. Some of you may see this as trying to be the perfect wife - i see this as saying that i am strong enough to carry on despite how much you have hurt me. just because i am falling apart inside i am not going to let everything else fall apart too - i still have the kids to think of and as much as i think some of you may like to read that i kicked him out in the middle of the night with nowhere to go thats not going to happen - the kids need to see that even when things are tough we can still behave like adults.
Lweji & Madbus your right i do need to do little things to boost my confidence and my life regardless of what happens - thanks for continuing to post - hello pan

OP posts:

SandyDilbert · 06/01/2014 13:51

I don't understand why you think you deserve so little. He has told you he doesn't love you. Cleaning the house or wearing more lipstick ain't going to change anything.

I would bet he has an OW- sorry but in 99% of cases there is. You being desperate and blaming his behaviour on any MH issues you may have is just awful and so wrong. Please ask him to leave and then put your lippy on and go out and have fun with someone who does like you and want to make you happy. Sod him.

Original poster

thatlldonicely · 06/01/2014 14:15

i do know i deserve more "sandy" - cleaning the house makes me feel better - he has told me there is no OW -perhaps im the 1%. I do not think i am desperate - i am not begging him to stay and the MH issue was my dad not DH

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/01/2014 14:22

OP, if the comment on your Dadsnet thread about doormat behaviour is in reference to me, you might want to re read this one again

my post at 23:47 last night was in conversation with 2 other posters, not a direct judgement on your handling of this situation as you seem to be implying

MissScatterbrain · 06/01/2014 15:15

Of course he would tell you there is no OW its in his interests to have two women bending over backwards trying to please him.

Pull the rug from under him and tell him its over.

You deserve far more that this.

Its a new year - don't waste any more time on this man and focus on YOURSELF instead.

SandyDilbert · 06/01/2014 15:31

I think you are seriously in denial Op - you can never guarantee someone is faithful. Believe me if he wants an affair he will go and have one. You can ignore or minimise all you wish. Even if he isn't having an affair, he has looked you in the eyes and told you he doesn't love you - that means it is over. Or do you think cleaning and being everything he may want will persuade him to fall back in love with you - because it won't. He will just lose any remaining respect for you and treat you like dirt on his shoe.

Get rid of him now and stop relying on him. You can start 100 threads here and each time you will get the same response from the majority of posters - many who have been in exactly the situation you are in now.

He doesn't want you any more - sorry. Harsh but you need to see what is clear as day and you need to tell him to leave

MissScatterbrain · 06/01/2014 15:35

Have just read your thread about your 12 years old DD - I am horrified that he is sharing a room (please god not a bed as well?) with her.

KingRollo · 06/01/2014 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 06/01/2014 15:41

So what is the plan that'll do?

Are you planning on living in this pain - falling apart inside - until he changes his mind?

Original poster

thatlldonicely · 06/01/2014 17:42

yes any that does refer to you - your post sun 00.48 & missscatter - i think you need to read that post again -
"kingRollo" thank you for your comments and im sorry it didnt work out for you
im checking out now - needc some time to think - thanks for all your repsonses

OP posts:

Tonandfeather · 07/01/2014 04:27

I read some posts from you one of the other threads where you say you don't have any access to anything online because he keeps all the passwords secret, that he's always on his phone and he's been buying new clothes and taking a new interest in his appearance. There's none so blind as those that can't see, as they say. I do think you've been quite sulky with people who were trying to help you and if you ask for advice so many times but don't take it and start new posts expecting people to remember your story, writers are going to get very fed up especially if you're so combative and defensive. You're having a horrible time of it and people sympathise but if you could but see it, we're not your enemy - that cheating man is.

Say sorry maybe and stick with these posts so you won't have to keep going over the story again.

Original poster

thatlldonicely · 07/01/2014 08:25

ton - the thing is i didnt say he keeps the passwords secret - i said i have no idea what they are - he is always on his phone because that is his business - yes he has bought some new clothes but they are still sitting in the boot of his car - what i didnt say is that he has lost about 1.5 stone in weight in just over a month & one of his colleagues asked him if he is ill as he looks so rough. i dont know what is going on but i think i know him better than you - yes i need advice but being constantly told there is an OW involved does not help. as i said somewhere else if i am wrong i will hold my hand up & say you were right. i am starting new posts as i am asking different questions and trying to get as much advice as i can - maybe different people respond to different posts - sometimes the responses come across as trying to grind me down - maybe thats why i appear defensive. my mood is all over the place at the moment and i am probably posting when i feel most vulnerable - as it is it looks likely that he may go at the weekend so my concern now is what do i do then - do i stop him seeing the kids temporarily so they can adjust to him not being here or do i let him carry on seeing them so they dont feel abondoned. They have lost my mum 5 yrs ago - seen my dad meet someone new and go for months without seeing them when he used to see them every week , lost DH mum 6 months ago and now their DF is going to move out - thats a lot for anyone to cope with never mind kids - so how do i deal with this

OP posts:

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 07/01/2014 12:31

I hope you are ok thatll do.

I see from another thread that you don't know much about the family finances, that he has now taken his computer to work with him, he wants counseling but just for himself, is confiding in his father (who had an affair), and is suggesting a split and 50-50 care of the children.

He doesn't sound very 'depressed', does he?

You really, really need to look after yourself now. I was sorry to read that you have sent him the links to these threads so that he can access your support.

Be clear, for whatever the reason, he is not on your team anymore.
Look to others for support (not him). You sound like a strong and independent woman - now is the time to reach out for legal advice.

Your children have experienced loss - unfortunately, that is life and sadly quite normal - unfortunately, what your husband is doing is something very different. He is behaving selfishly, cowardly and deliberately.

You can't trust him to do the right thing by you anymore. Please be brave for your children's sake.

Original poster

thatlldonicely · 07/01/2014 17:07

thanks thisis yes i am ok - up & down
when put like that it doesnt sound good & im aware that my next step will need to be sorting out legal advice - just trying to give myself and the kids a breather this week

OP posts:

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