Has anyone ever had "a talk" with a difficult/ narrassistic parent?

[mermaid101]

I have posted about my mum on here a few times. I think she had some narrassistic tendencies.

I have noticed that over the last couple of years she has managed to fall out with practically her whole family apart from my sister and me and some of her friends.

She is not self aware or self reflecitve but readiing between the lines of what she tell me, some of her friends seem to be "phasing her out".

My sister and I do not find her easy. We would like to have a better, more positive relationship with her. We are also concerned she ends up completely isolated. We think the best course of action might be to have a fairly frank discussion with her. We realise this will be difficult , but feel something must be done.

Has a anyone ever done this and had any sort of success?

I realise there are few details/ examples in this message. I don't want to make it too lengthy but am happy to answer any questions .

I don,t think, as other posters have said, you can talk to a narc, they just don,t possess self awareness.

My mum gets angry and abusive, she can be vile.

Once she said she "regretted hitting (wouldn,t admit it was beatings whilst she was drunk) me as a child,as it made her feel so bad".

We,ve had a fallout over Christmas and I,d be happy never to see her again tbh.

My mother also has hypochondriac/psychomatic "illness". Is any one elses mum like this? Latest has been five weeks of a non existant chest infection resulting in 3 lots of anti-biotics and a chest x ray that has come back perfectly clear.

My mum has isolated herself from friends family, has no outside interests, rarely goes out at all.
She,s only 66 and tbh she,d be better off dead, live must be so miserable for her.

My mum is like dementor from harry potter, an hour in her company and you're physically and mentally drained.
Sorry to hi-jack OP, I wish I had some advise, it,s all.very sad isn,t it.
to all posters.

I don,t think, as other posters have said, you can talk to a narc, they just don,t possess self awareness.

My mum gets angry and abusive, she can be vile.

Once she said she "regretted hitting (wouldn,t admit it was beatings whilst she was drunk) me as a child,as it made her feel so bad".

We,ve had a fallout over Christmas and I,d be happy never to see her again tbh.

My mother also has hypochondriac/psychomatic "illness". Is any one elses mum like this? Latest has been five weeks of a non existant chest infection resulting in 3 lots of anti-biotics and a chest x ray that has come back perfectly clear.

My mum has isolated herself from friends family, has no outside interests, rarely goes out at all.
She,s only 66 and tbh she,d be better off dead, live must be so miserable for her.

My mum is like dementor from harry potter, an hour in her company and you're physically and mentally drained.
Sorry to hi-jack OP, I wish I had some advise, it,s all.very sad isn,t it.
to all posters.

Opps!

I've tried, twice - both times it's ended in hysterical tears (mine) and smug self-righteousness (hers). Both times were after majorly hurtful incidents which felt "last-straw" level. I set out to discuss the hurtful things she'd said/done, point out what the consequences have been (gradually alienating her entire family) and somehow help her to see that she needs to stop treating people the way she does if she doesn't want it to continue.

He reaction? Immediately defensive - she had never said those things, or if she had she didn't mean it that way, I take everything the wrong way, I'm so over sensitive, and anyway what on earth do I mean, she can talk to people however she likes, yes even if it does mean she won't see her family again, she doesn't care, yes she does mean that.....and on and on and on (she's in the right, everyone else is wrong).

Both times I came out of it emotionally battered, having had even worse things said to me (including the taking back of a previous apology which at the time had been the one crumb of hope I'd been clinging to!), and with the distinct impression she'd actually enjoyed it (as it had given her the chance to pull out all her favourite narcissistic/gaslighting tactics).

Same story here as many others, I'm afraid. I've had countless 'conversations' with my mother. Her general response is to weep and wail and become a pitiful victim. On a few occassions she's gone into attack mode and, unfortunately for me, my response has been to turn back into the terrified child she created.

It's horrible.

My sister and I support each other by talking through her behaviours andhow they make us feel and stopping each other spiralling into despair.

She can't learn, won't learn, does not want to learn. Her behaviour 'works' for her, although not with her children.

She is progressively isolating herself but as this seems to be what she wants we're letting her get on with it.

mermaid the advice from mrsgrass sounds potentially a way forward too?

You can't get much more tactful than this; it's playing to a need for attention and the whole 'it's not my fault' thing of a lot of very difficult or even narcissistic people. And who knows, the anti-depressants might really help.

Being isolated and quarrelsome has got to be depressing no matter what else is going on. Just maybe some anti-depressants might help. A mix of several approaches sounds good.

Thanks again for all the responses! They have been really helpful. As I said, I will speak to my sister, but I think now we will go for a different option.

Meerka, you are right, encouraging her to see her GP does seem like one of the best courses of action. I have suggested it before when she was plagued by migraines. These came on whenever someone did something which angered or displeased her. She said the dr wouldn't help and she knew what was causing them: stress and people being inconsiderate. She also once told my sister and me that she had high blood pressure and the dr had told her the only effective way to cure it was for us to agree to have Sunday dinner with her every week! Not dissimilar to folk girl's story! I had never heard of anyone else doing something so bizarre.

Having said all that, I might try again to suggest it. It is a very neutral and blameless way to highlight that her behaviour is not normal.

Another one saying don't waste your time - you will only make it worse.

Not sure what you expect the GP to do. I wouldn't suggest that either, tbh.

mermaid

re your comments which I have separated out;-

"However, we do need to do something".

Actually you do not. That's your FOG talking there: fear obligation and guilt.

"We feel that the future for our relationship with our mother looks bleak".

Its already been bleak due to her overt narcissism and you are profoundly affected by her narcissism. I would suggest you read "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina W Brown.

There is no future for you by having any sort of relationship with her, it is not possible to have any sort of relationship with a narcissist. All you can do is detach from her. This is and will not be at all easy for you because she (your mother) trained you well and from childhood.

"I am also very concerned for her as she moves into her old age. My dad is dead(although they divorced before he died), she is estranged from all of her close family and she is falling out with her friends and neighbours. Those who are in contact with her, appear to be limiting it and/ or "diluting" her company by inviting others to join them, which she really doesn't Iike"

And why are you so concerned about this?. Her behaviour is not your responsibility.

"I think the idea of picking a few things, focusing on these and then gently but relentlessly picking her up on them would work. I am very confident about my sister and I working as a team and communicate with each other".

Your sister and you should work as a team and support each other to detach further from your narcissistic mother. THAT is the only way forward here. I would suggest you read the website entitled daughters of narcissistic mothers.

"Has anyone else adopted this or a similar strategy with any kind of success?"

I have three narcs in the family, none of what you have suggested has or will actually work at all. Your life will be made ever more miserable indeed the longer you actually keep her at all in any part of your life.

"I have also noted how many people now have no contact and how positive you are about it. I don't feel like I am arc this stage yet and would like to try other things just now".

It is clear from your replies that you are not anywhere near being at the no contact stage yet but you probably will get there given time and a few more rebuffs from your mother.

It is NOT your fault she is the way she is; her own birth family did that lot of damage to her, they were the ones who put her on a pedestal and your mother has made the terrible choice not to love.

Encouraging her to see the GP is NOT, repeat NOT, a good idea at all. She will know more than the GP does and blame you again!.

Your boundaries re your mother are blurred as well. You need to reinforce those boundaries as of now.