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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel let down by DH over SIL

31 replies

amumthatcares · 04/01/2014 01:52

Will try to keep this as short as poss. SIL has always been a liar, an exagerator and an attention seeker. She is in her late 40's, married to a hard working man, with 3 adult children and nice house. DH was married before and she disliked first wife all the time they were together but as soon DH and I got together, she became best friends with DH ex. A few years ago she caused a big family rift resulting in DH & SIL having NC for 2 years. Eventually DH held out an olive branch for the sake of his parents. As soon as he had made the peace she started blaming me for the rift and hit him with 'if you only knew what I knew about (me) '. There was nothing to know and DH didn't pursue it, but she planted a seed. It is clear she has never liked me and DH agrees that her behavior toward me shows this. 5 months ago she caused another family row over my DD and there has been NC since with MIL stuck in the middle (lost FIL). One day at MIL my DD overhead SIL bad mouthing me down the phone to MIL. This caused the row to worsen. Whilst I have kept contact with her DC, she has made none with my DD. Tonight, without even mentioning it to me, DH has phoned SIL to 'break the ice and move on'. I feel completely let down and feel as though he has been disloyal to me. Am I overreacting? Need some perspective here please

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 04/01/2014 02:25

I can understand why your DH possibly felt he needed to do this, I imagine the situation is hard on his Mum/your MIL and maybe he felt 'moving on' was the right thing to do so as to not make things awkward for your MIL?

That said, If I were in your position, I would feel upset too.

Your SIL sounds awful.

Just re read your post and see that it was your DH that ended the NC before too. So its likely that this was done for similar reasons.

The fact that your SIL is a repeat offender makes me think your DH should stand by you and not bother with his sister.

Its really hard when things like this happen in families and its usually the innocent who end up making the effort.

My Dads sister was a bit like this with my Mum. Over involved in her brothers love life.

volvocowgirl · 04/01/2014 02:40

No, your DH has been a bit of a nob. I'd be livid. Has he said why he's not putting you and your DC first?!

summermovedon · 04/01/2014 09:12

I think he is entitled to choose his own relationship with his sister without being told otherwise. He has not asked you to be BFFs? You don't need to love his family or even have any sort of relationship with them, you can put down boundaries and speak to them about their behaviour towards you. He has the right to his own relationships and whatever she has done I think it is not at all fair if he is told to choose. I think you need to accept that you can't all play happy families and talk to him about how you will deal with social situations, perhaps you just avoid them and do your own thing when he sees them? (Some people's ideal!)

Original poster
amumthatcares · 04/01/2014 09:16

Thank you for the replies. He,said on this occasion it was for his mum as it was for his parents in the past. I do totally respect why he feels this way but it obviously never bothers his sister enough to make the first move to resolve things. In fact when he phoned her last night she was still venomous and angry about me and I have done absolutely nothing to her. She's just the kind of person that can never be at fault and certainly not admit it.

I feel so angry at him because yet again, I feel he has put me last. He is downstairs an i haven't got out of bed yet, I can't bring myself to talk to him

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 04/01/2014 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
amumthatcares · 04/01/2014 09:29

That made me smile Schim I'm not asking him to choose but surely there comes a point when you pit your Do & DC first? I don't enjoy the family being torn apart eeither tbh, its not pleasant for anyone but I'm not going to keep sitting back and being SILs venom target and I don't expect DH to go behind my back and keep cosying up to her without considering how I feel.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 04/01/2014 09:31

I think if someone had said to my OH 'if only you knew what I know about' me I'd have taken him to hers, sat her down and asked her what exactly it is she knows about me that she thinks my OH needs to know.

RandomMess · 04/01/2014 09:35

I would suggest that you have some couples counselling of the situation now before it drives a wedge between you. Perhaps he needs an outside perspective as to the dynamics that are going. It could help you have a joint way of tackling SIL. Perhaps instead of going NC next time he will be able to more calmly say to the witch "I'm not interested in your lies/venom you need to respectful of my wife" and so on?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2014 09:39

If you don't want the family torn apart I think all you can do is personally detach yourself from the silly woman. However, at the same time, leave DH in no doubt that you think less of him every time he fails to stick up for you. FWIW DD shouldn't have been eavesdropping on a private conversation. I know my DM says things to me about my SIL that, if she knew about it, would ruin their relationship.

winkywinkola · 04/01/2014 09:39

I think the dh should choose actually.

His sister sounds like a bitch.

If one of my extended family were bad mouthing my immediate family for no reason, they would get a big row from me and then permanent silence.

I would put up with it even once. Not for anyone.

Putting up with bitchy abusive shit to keep the mil happy? My arse. Is the mil slagging off the op as well?

Why do people not stand up to these vile bullies and tell them to fuck off?

Op, your dh is spineless. I would tell him to shape up and show some loyalty to you for once and go total NC with his witch of a sister.

winkywinkola · 04/01/2014 09:40

I wouldn't put up with it even once I mean.

Original poster
amumthatcares · 04/01/2014 09:41

I should have, true. He kept pushing her at the time and she just kept saying 'I don't want to talk about it' Despite the fact he trusts me that little seed of doubt has been there all this time. He pushed her on it again last night and after her usual response she came out and said 'it was something she said around the table once, dad wasn't happy with her either' FFS!! Is that it? My DH was probably thinking I'd shagged the whole local football team!!!

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Original poster
amumthatcares · 04/01/2014 09:49

cog DD wasn't eavesdropping. She was cuddling up to MIL when SIL phoned her and DD could hear everything she was sayiing (as you can with some phones) I did think at the time that if SIL was slagging me off, is it the norm for her and MIL to do that? We haven't badmouthed SIL since NC and MIL said to us in the beginning she didn't want to be put in the middle Confused

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/01/2014 09:49

I think if I were your dh I'd also be disappointed that my mum hadn't told my sister to shut the f up bitching about my DIL. How hard is it really to say to your daughter or sister "I know you don't like her but I don't want to hear about it all the time" Angry

My main concern is the effect the dynamics are having on your marriage and I think you should focus on sorting that out so you can have a mutually agreed united front.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/01/2014 09:56

Not necessarily fair to say DD was "eavesdropping". That implies deliberately listening in. She may have simply happened to be in the same room. MIL didn't necessarily take any steps to stop her hearing.

SIL is a poisonous witch (with apologies to witches) and perhaps once MIL has eventually popped her clogs you can go NC and make it stick. In the meanwhile your DH is in a difficult position, although I agree he owes his first loyalty to you; not just because you're his wife, but because you are the innocent party in this one-sided game of dark hints and lies.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/01/2014 09:58

Oh, x-posted re the eavesdropping. Must type faster.

To be fair to MIL, maybe she just let SIL ramble on for a bit because she's tired of telling her to shut up about it every time they talk. Of course she should do it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2014 10:08

Newsflash... it probably is the norm for SIL and her DM to have conversations in which you - and I'm guessing others - are discussed and not in a complimentary way. You're here on MN discussing SIL and if DD was to look over your shoulder, read your remarks and report back to granny it'd all kick off again. So no I don't think DD was being malicious but I do think tale-telling has to be discouraged.

Original poster
amumthatcares · 04/01/2014 10:27

Cog This is how that situation came about. Myself and DD were sitting in MIL lounge (while DH was doing a repair at MIL neighbour). DD was cuddled up to MIL on the sofa. SIL phones and DD can hear every word that is said. I could see DD was upset but didn't push it. When we got in the car to go home DD started crying and said that she had heard her aunt saying horrible things about her. DH phoned up SIL and SIL said 'oh no, I wasn't talking about your DD, I was talking about your DW' (like that was ok!!) So, DD was neither eavesdropping nor telling tales.

OP posts:
Inertia · 04/01/2014 11:20

The point you now need to drive home to your DH is that his sister's poisonous bile is now causing great distress to your daughter. You are an adult, and while it's obviously upsetting that your DH ignores his sister's awful treatment of you, you are strong enough to handle the disappointment and his lack of integrity
What you cannot do is allow his sister ( and mother) to force this hatefulness onto your child.

winkywinkola · 04/01/2014 11:35

Tale telling?

Op, your dd did the right thing. She heard her mother being slagged off. The mil should have put a stop to it. She didn't ergo she is as bad as the sil. She is participating in it. She involved your dd by not stopping the sil.

Your sil is toxic. She needs NC. It's tough on the mil.

winkywinkola · 04/01/2014 11:37

And op, don't let posters on here detract from the toxicity of your sil by their focussing on your dd overhearing a vile conversation. That is just not the point.

Original poster
amumthatcares · 04/01/2014 11:53

Thank you Inertia DD is now 19 (18 at the time) but I still agree with your sentiments. I am a mature, experienced adult who is strong enough to handle the situation but my DD is not. I did say to DH last night that I can handle SIL's toxic behaviour toward me but I will not allow nor forgive her behaviour toward my DD.

Thank you winky too, yes I agree. I think MIL should have not allowed the conversation to continue (though she didn't make any derogatory comments tbf) and I did wonder why posters were focusing on the 'eavesdropping' and 'tale telling' when these are not the issues here.

I have gotten up this morning and DH has tried to carry on like nothing has happened. He asked me if I had 'the hump' with him at him ringing SIL and said he only rang her for answers....he didn't, he actually said to her he had rung her to break the ice and move on for MIL sake. I have told him that after her treatment of me and DD he shouldn't have done this without at least talking to me about it first. DD goes back off to uni tomorrow so she will be out of the situation, thank god but TBH, I feel I am playing a very lowly 4th place in DH life behind DD (that's fine), MIL and now SIL. I feel he is taking the piss out of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
amumthatcares · 04/01/2014 11:55

Oh and he did say this morning 'they are my family'. What are DD and I then ffs?

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RandomMess · 04/01/2014 12:45

Ah well that casts a different light on it IMHO. Think I would be having serious words, after all it is SIL making him choose not you!

AngelaDaviesHair · 04/01/2014 12:53

Also, set out some ground rules about what ending the NC is going to mean in practice. Your DH can make contact with SIL, but are you prepared to socialise with her, have you and DD attend family events where she will be there, etc? You can leave DH to have such contact as he wants but refuse to have any of your own, expose DD to SIL or even talk about her with MIL. IN your position, that is what I would do.