Feel let down by DH over SIL

[amumthatcares]

Will try to keep this as short as poss. SIL has always been a liar, an exagerator and an attention seeker. She is in her late 40's, married to a hard working man, with 3 adult children and nice house. DH was married before and she disliked first wife all the time they were together but as soon DH and I got together, she became best friends with DH ex. A few years ago she caused a big family rift resulting in DH & SIL having NC for 2 years. Eventually DH held out an olive branch for the sake of his parents. As soon as he had made the peace she started blaming me for the rift and hit him with 'if you only knew what I knew about (me) '. There was nothing to know and DH didn't pursue it, but she planted a seed. It is clear she has never liked me and DH agrees that her behavior toward me shows this. 5 months ago she caused another family row over my DD and there has been NC since with MIL stuck in the middle (lost FIL). One day at MIL my DD overhead SIL bad mouthing me down the phone to MIL. This caused the row to worsen. Whilst I have kept contact with her DC, she has made none with my DD. Tonight, without even mentioning it to me, DH has phoned SIL to 'break the ice and move on'. I feel completely let down and feel as though he has been disloyal to me. Am I overreacting? Need some perspective here please

I know this isn't AIBU but you are NBU to feel let down and as though your H is disregarding your feelings - he is doing just that. He is prioritising his mother's needs and therefore his sister's "rights" over yours and that sucks.

How does he get on with your family? the only way I can suggest that might bring it home to him how much he has hurt you, is to reverse the situation and ask him how HE would feel if YOU had done the same; but if he gets on well with your family then it would make no odds to him.

Completely different scenario but I do use this tactic with my DH - whenever we/I/he would like his mum to do something, I ask him to phone her. I get on ok with her but we're not that close; she's his mum so it's reasonable, IMO, for him to ask her. He is lazy and tells me that I should ask her myself, so I ask him if it were my Dad, would he phone my Dad? No he wouldn't. And then he phones his Mum because he "gets it".

I suspect your DH thinks that this might all be a touch "over-dramatic" of you all - does he suggest that you should forgive and forget too? Or is he accepting that you want nothing to do with SIL ever again because of her appalling behaviour?

Family doesn't mean they can behave badly.

I would most certainly have the hump and a lot more.

Your dh is taking the piss. He doesn't mind if his sister talks ill of you and makes mischief. He is supposed to be your ally. He's not.

What you do now, I don't know.

I'd show him this thread. He certainly looks spineless and disloyal to his wife.

Angela this is exactly what I said to DH. He can contact/socialise with her if he wants, even DD can if she so chooses, but I will not. She has been nothing but toxic to me since DH and I have been together so why would he think I would. Having said that, if we were at the same occasion (poss soon to be funeral) I would never make scene. I would simply walk away with dignity.

I would prefer to ask mil not to discuss us with sil but dh says that is putting mil in an awkward situation. All I do know is that when mil is with us she talks about sil several times as though nothing is wrong and we (I) might be the slightest bit interested. But I suppose that is her way of coping with a family torn apart. It would be very difficult if she had to watch everthing she said in each house, though I'm sure sil would tell her she didn't want to hear it.

Ah sorry, I misunderstood about your daughter's age.

Seems your DH thinks the problem will go away if he ignores it. Sadly I don't think you can stop SIl and MIL talking about you - all you can change is how you react, and going non- contact yourself is sensible. I would not even have conversations about SIL with DH. Unless he is very slow on the uptake , he will soon realise that the nastiness is all one way.

Your DH had been very disloyal to your DD and to you.
He had put you bottom. I would be very hurt.

:(