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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to ask DM to contribute?

35 replies

Loobingler · 03/01/2014 20:44

DM has just moved in around the corner from us. It has been great to see more of her and the DC love it too (we have 3 young DC).

She's been having her evening meal at our house for the last few months which is great. We also cook a huge roast and invite DB and SIL every Sunday. I enjoy having her here and like cooking but food is expensive and we really aren't well off.

DM is fairly well off, she gave us a generous Christmas present (£500) towards a new car. This made me unsure whether to mention our weekly food bills. That said I did mention it this evening while we were alone and it didn't go down well at all. I have since apologised to her and said I didn't mean to upset her or be rude.

Was I being UR to even bring it up?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 03/01/2014 20:45

You've provided her with three months worth of evening meals?

That is a lot. I don't think you were unreasonable to talk about it. That's basically cost you that 500 she so generously gave you.

Surely she's aware of the cost of food?

Mintyy · 03/01/2014 20:46

Oh, that's tricky.

I'm weirdly fascinated by the idea that you actually want your Mum to come to dinner every night. What does your dp think?

WipsGlitter · 03/01/2014 20:47

No. It would have festered with you otherwise. But realistically how much has your food bill gone up? We could generally stretch another portion most nights. Are you preparing different stuff than normal because you're feeding her too.

How did you leave it with her?

Original poster
Loobingler · 03/01/2014 20:48

She hasn't got an oven yet, which seems to suit her ok at the moment Grin

OP posts:
Liara · 03/01/2014 20:48

How much does she actually eat?

When my mum comes the food bill is not greatly increased, as she eats very little compared to voracious dh and our two boys.

But if she ate a whole load that might be more of an issue.

Original poster
Loobingler · 03/01/2014 20:49

DH would always take the extra portion to work the next day, he hasn't been able to do that so has been having to buy lunch or take sandwiches.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2014 20:49

If she eats at yours every night (?) she should offer a contribution. Bloody cheeky otherwise. Also, if you're hard up, stop acting like a food bank for in-laws. Why don't they have you round to their's occasionally? I think you're being taken advantage of.

WipsGlitter · 03/01/2014 20:50

Is it every single night?

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 03/01/2014 20:51

Why are you cooking a massive joint for full on family at what £20+ a week? What are you cooking for evening meals?

I mean, spag Bol feeds quite a few quite cheaply. Moussaka etc ditto. Maybe it's WHAT you're cooking not the fact she's eating?

I'd find another Sunday meal too. Or fess up to all and ask for bring a dish/sharing stuff. People will come if you act generous, but if you don't have it to be generous with you need to think outside the box a bit....

Coldleftoversforme · 03/01/2014 20:51

My dgm is my mum to me .

Why do you want her there every night?
I couldn't ask for any money, I'd be able to stretch a meal out for one more person especially as it was her. She has done so much for me in my life it's the least I could do .

I wouldn't do huge roast every week either. Have some private time or get them to do dinner.

Liara · 03/01/2014 20:52

Could you ask her to do the shopping every so often? When my relatives come and stay, they usually do at least one shop for the house (I don't ask, they just do it). It seems less grabby than asking for money, and goes some of the way towards mitigating the amount they eat.

Original poster
Loobingler · 03/01/2014 20:52

She looks after DS (2) for me if I need to pop to the shops or have an appointment, I think hat is her way of contributing.

DH is ok with it, he sometimes grumbles about no one contributing though. DM is quite nice so it's not a major issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loobingler · 03/01/2014 20:53

It does add up over the week and also means DH can't take a meal to work the next day.

OP posts:
Ruprekt · 03/01/2014 20:55

Start serving crappy food and she might stop coming!

Or ask her to pick up some groceries.....Smile

NatashaBee · 03/01/2014 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 03/01/2014 20:56

hmmm.....well, part of me is thinking that she fed you for X amount of years Grin

I wouldnt ask for a contribution because I wouldnt have my dm round every night maybe you could limit the number of nights?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2014 20:58

It doesn't take months to get an oven.

Original poster
Loobingler · 03/01/2014 20:58

I honestly don't mind having her round, I just feel she should contribute a little bit to the costs. She was pretty upset when I asked (nicely!)

OP posts:
Coldleftoversforme · 03/01/2014 20:58

Shock I think your all being mean!!

She sounds nice, chipping in with child care, big cash gift.

Tell bil and SIL to piss off.

Honestly count your blessings you having got my mil as your mum. She would rock up with her suitcase and clear your purse if you let her!

drspouse · 03/01/2014 20:59

Would it help you if she were to cook, but in your house? Maybe she could do the Sunday roasts?

SirSugar · 03/01/2014 21:00

When is your DM planning to buy an oven? can you offer to help her choose one quickly ?

thebellsofsaintclements · 03/01/2014 21:02

I hope she starts billing you £10 an hour for the babysitting. What a cheapskate you sound, if you we're my daughter I'd be ashamed :(

Tryharder · 03/01/2014 21:02

YABU.

An extra portion hardly costs anything and she has just given you £500. I'd say you were even.

ExitPursuedByABear · 03/01/2014 21:03

What a bloody awkward situation!

She needs to think on what you have said.

And then start shopping.

SirSugar · 03/01/2014 21:05

The £500 is towards a car, not in lieu of catering services