AIBU to ask DM to contribute?

[Loobingler]

DM has just moved in around the corner from us. It has been great to see more of her and the DC love it too (we have 3 young DC).

She's been having her evening meal at our house for the last few months which is great. We also cook a huge roast and invite DB and SIL every Sunday. I enjoy having her here and like cooking but food is expensive and we really aren't well off.

DM is fairly well off, she gave us a generous Christmas present (£500) towards a new car. This made me unsure whether to mention our weekly food bills. That said I did mention it this evening while we were alone and it didn't go down well at all. I have since apologised to her and said I didn't mean to upset her or be rude.

Was I being UR to even bring it up?

She is your guest, you have invited her, you cannot ask for money. If you are finding it a struggle to feed an extra person, maybe serve cheaper food? If she is expecting you to crack open a bottle of wine every time she comes round, put out nibbles etc, you might be able to ask to buy the drink but you can't expect a guest to pay.

If she gave you £500 and does ad hoc babysitting, I would be loath to ask for food money. Maybe you could start doing Macaroni cheese or something more often and see how urgent her oven becomes?

Surely a better solution would be for her not come every night. Even if she's nice, the evening is your family time and then alone time with your DH? It's a bit awkward asking for money but if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. It's not like you invited other or she doesn't have the opportunity to buy her own oven and cook for herself. I don't believe children have any duty to "pay back" the years their parents fed and cared for them in that sense. Obviously when it comes to caring for parents who need it that's different, but not just feeding her because she decides to come over every day.

Is there anthing she doesn't especiallly like? Fair enough to say something like - sorry it's nothing special, but we are on a tight budget. If cost is an issue you need to stop hosting the slap up roasts for BIL/SIL though. I got very cross with DH when I was on a freezer week and he invited people for Sunday lunch.

Make slightly more and your dh can take the leftovers to work again rather than buying lunch. I just couldn't, couldn't ask my dm for food contribution. But then that's because she does tonnes for me and I'd be mindful of the sacrifices she made for me when I was growing up.

Thanks everyone. I guess I feel a bit taken for granted, it would be nice if she offered to chip in for the food costs.

So you dont mind using her for free babysitting, large chrismas presents but begrudge making an extra portion for tea. It wouldnt have entered my head to ask for a contribution. Do you offer her the going rate for babysitting? Somehow i doubt it.

HappyMummyOfOne - So you dont mind using her for free babysitting, large chrismas presents but begrudge making an extra portion for tea

If you had read the thread properly you would know that's it's no so much that I 'begrudge' making an extra portion, it's more we are struggling for money. Two months worth of an extra meal a day does add up.

It wouldnt have entered my head to ask for a contribution

I'm glad you would be able to afford it.

Do you offer her the going rate for babysitting? Somehow i doubt it.

The vast majority of the time she looks after DS is when I am going to the supermarket or local shops to buy food for the meals she enjoys every night, so no I haven't offered to pay her for that too. I have however said I don't mind taking him with me if she would rather not watch him for the hour or so.

Oh god how excruciating all round. Personally I wouldn't have asked no, but then I wonder whether my Mum would be the sort of person to not bother getting an oven and let me cook for her every night?

I honestly have no idea as I've never been in your situation. I would have gone with the suggestion of cheaper meals filled out with lots of pulses, potatoes, seasonal veg rather than caused a rift between you both.

Why does your DB and DSIL come for a roast dinner every Sunday?. Could you not do alternate weekends with them and perhaps DM go to their house for dinner a few nights per week?