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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bills when moving in with the BF!

71 replies

Overthinker123 · 03/01/2014 10:41

Hi All,

I would like to get peoples opinion on the following situation please?!
A man with his own house asks his gf to move in with him. They are both very much in love & have discussed wanting a family together in the near future.
What would be fair for her to pay towards the bills? How is it best to work out grocery shopping?
Thanks!

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 03/01/2014 14:14

Out of interest, what are his expectations with housework? Are you going to do the lion's share because you don't yet have a job/earn less/will be the primary caregiver to children one day?

Overthinker123 · 03/01/2014 14:19

I am working my notice period now & have applied for some jobs, I also think there is a lot of temp work around the area for me. Hopefully I wont have any gaps of having no income!
Commute was 4 hours.

OP posts:
glasgowsteven · 03/01/2014 14:22

I would think about maybe staying with him at the weekends and asking work if they would re instate me,

4 hours is too long to commute, so after 9 months, how well do your really know him if it was 4 hours travel to get to see him (roughly)

I do hope it works out, but as you are working your notice period now, and we can assume its a 4 week notice, you seem confident of getting another job, but you dont have one arranged.....

ALittleStranger · 03/01/2014 19:12

Oh OP, you shouldn't have quit your job.

If you have no income you can't afford to move out of your parents house. Making yourself financially dependent on a man you barely know is unbelievably dim.

And when you do have an income and can afford to move in with him essential bills should be split 50:50. If you only have Sky because he insists then that can be done differently.

ImperialBlether · 03/01/2014 19:38

Oh OP, you shouldn't have quit your job.

If you have no income you can't afford to move out of your parents house. Making yourself financially dependent on a man you barely know is unbelievably dim.

This ^

JoinYourPlayfellows · 03/01/2014 20:23

"Making yourself financially dependent on a man you barely know is unbelievably dim."

This ^

I can't believe you have given up your entire life for a man you have known less than a year.

The MOMENT you had handed in your notice he started trying to bill you for his luxuries.

No decent man would ask someone else to pay for half their Sky bill. That's not an essential amount.

He only backtracked quickly because he realised you weren't as big a pushover as he had imagined.

But you'll pay for that Sky one way or another, mark my words.

Unless you regain the sense you were born with and go and ask for your job back.

HowManyMincePies · 03/01/2014 20:46

What happens if you don't get a job enough to cover your loans and share of the bills soon?

What happens if you get pregnant and are not eligible for maternity pay or only have the basic maternity pay coming in but have to pay your loans and share of the bills?

What happens when you have had a child? Who pays the child care? Who does sick/school etc? Who has the potential salary sacrifice to pay for the flexibility to do this?

What happens if you split up as it is his house? Will you be able to rent local to any new job, pay your loans etc?

What happens if you have children then split up having been the lower earner for x years and it is his house?

Based on his latest comments I think you need to take a step back. See if it is possible to rescind your notice and sort all the what ifs between you and your DP out while at your parents and paying off some more of your debts before rushing into this without it all sorted.

Overthinker123 · 04/01/2014 10:56

We both feel ready to live with one another & love each other. I don't think 9 months to move in is too soon. The commute means I need a new job, he gave me confidence that he would support me until I find the right job. The area does have jobs & I am very employable, so I don't see how I am being dim. The only mistake I made was not discussing bills & household costs!

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 04/01/2014 11:04

I suppose I'm a bit puzzled that you did it this way round - if you've been in this long distance relationship for 9 months, and decided it was time to move together, why didn't you job hunt from your old home, and move once you had a new job in the bag? As many up thread have said, female financial independence (especially when there is no marriage to protect your interests) is a precious thing, to be guarded and kept safe. You may not feel it, but to us you are vulnerable at the moment - be very careful of what you agree to, until you have your financial independence back!

ALittleStranger · 04/01/2014 12:42

he gave me confidence that he would support me until I find the right job.

This. You don't see how making any decisions based on this was dim? Even if he was prepared to financially support you I still think it's incredibly risky to quit your job and make yourself financially dependent on him. Even with good qualification and a bouyant employment market you just don't know how long it's going to take. You have no kids, he has made no commitment to you, how are you comfortable with this situation?

And as you've no found out, you didn't actually know quite how much he was prepared to support you and now the rug has been pulled out from under your feet. Bills and household costs are the bread and butter of moving in, why did you not discuss this? As others have said, you could have applied for a job in his area and quit yours and done the move when you actually had something concrete to go to.

somedizzywhore1804 · 04/01/2014 12:59

I can see this from both POVs but wanted to share my best friends story.

Got together with a man 12 yrs older when we were 18. He's very well off- big house, lots of savings etc. But even after all these years she's still the "lesser" one in the relationship in terms of money and whilst she lives in a lovely house and they have no money worries etc none of it is hers and she has to ask him for everything (she doesn't earn much money and he's not encouraged her to retrain or anything). They aren't married- IMO because he's scared of having to sign half of everything to her. She is on the mortgage but only with a small percentage share. She has to ask him for money for things like fixing her car (and he recently made her save up for some repairs on it so she would "learn" she had to save). She's in this mess because she's too embarrassed to have a serious conversation about money with him.

I'm married to a younger, poorer man and I do envy their cash at times but I'm so glad my DH doesn't use money as an emotionally abusive tool. Make sure yours doesn't.

independentfriend · 04/01/2014 13:00

How did you reach the decision you'd move to where he lives (rather than him moving closer to you or you both moving to a new location all together)? How isolated does moving to where he is make you from family and friends?

Giving up a job without a new job to go to or considerable savings to live on/a well developed plan to set up your own business reads as risky in the current economic climate (even allowing for him being both willing and able to support you at present and for a considered assessment that there are jobs in your field in his area) - what happens if he's made redundant next month? Then you have no ongoing income between you other than JSA.

In the longer term (assuming you move into a house you have no legal interest in ie. he owns it or he is the sole tenant), don't pay his mortgage, rent, any DIY or other decorating or maintenance costs as you will get nothing for them. Pay your fair share of gas/electricity/water/landline/internet/TV licence/Council Tax costs. Consider what you want to do by way of contents insurance - this might be worth paying for jointly (though any buildings insurance must be his alone). In your own budget, prioritise (a) repaying debt, (b) establishing savings, (c) transport - car MOT + maintenance, road tax, petrol and/or money for train tickets, so you can maintain links with family/friends in other areas of the country.

Having left one job, it will take you some time to acquire rights to SMP in any new job - six months employment, completed by the week 15 weeks before your due date. If you are serious about having children with him soon, in your employment search look for employers offering contractual maternity pay above the SMP level and who are good at flexible working arrangements.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/01/2014 13:31

"I don't think 9 months to move in is too soon."

You are wrong.

Particularly when you are not just moving in, but giving up your entire life to slot conveniently into his.

Tinkertaylor1 · 04/01/2014 13:41

op don't quit your job! Try get it back!

Your instinct is telling you that something is a miss. The one thing I learnt from MN is shared finances . Open up an account where wage proportionate amounts of you both go in for house hold bills - every thing, the house kitty, me and dh did it when we first moved in. Anything left over is your own . When we got married had baby ect we got a joint bank account.

Your debts are your own problems I'm afraid and at this early stage unless your bf wants to help pay them off they shouldn't be included in your house bill account.

If you absolutely want to go ahead with it you have to have a grown up frank conversation about money and an equal split. 50/50 is not on if he is earning more.

Tell him to piss off over the sky'

Tinkertaylor1 · 04/01/2014 13:45

Also op I moved in with dh pretty soon as I was renting and his mortgage was cheaper and I'd damn well nearly spilt us up . Moving in with some one is a whole new game than just visiting. You already have added money worries on top of this I would just back off a bit . Give it a year and see what happens then.

FairPhyllis · 04/01/2014 14:00

Why on earth did you quit your job? What is the likelihood of getting one in his area in this economy? Seems a pretty risky move.

Why didn't you look for a job in his area before you move? Surely that makes more sense?

Go and get your old job back. Then continue to see him at weekends and get to know him better. If you still want to move in together, get a job before you move, and agree the bill split before as well.

desperateforaholiday · 04/01/2014 14:32

I agree with everyone else, try and keep your job, pay your debts and see him at the weekend.

Your young with no children, what's the rush?

Its still early days yet, enjoy the time you do get together, go on holidays etc don't just give up your financial independence to be supported by him.

FluffyJumper · 04/01/2014 14:44

So you feel he's pulled the rug out from under you and is claiming you're imagining it?

Gaslighting.

Joysmum · 04/01/2014 14:45

So, have you had the talk yet?

Better late than never to raise all the issues raised on here, discuss some possible future scenarios such as losing jobs, long term sickness, huge disparity in incomes etc etc.

There isn't one single way to divide up bills and responsibilities, as a search through the financial threads on MumsNet will show you. Doesn't mean anybody is right or wrong, just that we all have different ideas or rights and wrongs.

I'm sure this thread has given you enough questions to be going on with, and prompted many of your own too.

The one thing EVERYBODY will agree on, for both your sakes (as finances are one of the biggest relationship killers) you need to discuss it fully sooner rather than later. Doing do will limit the potential for disagreements in future and give your relationship the best chance of making the distance and being as strong as it can be...isn't that all anybody wants?

EirikurNoromaour · 04/01/2014 14:54

Good luck with all this, it's sounds insane. Please try to get your job back, and wait until you have a decent job in the new area before quitting.

Blondeorbrunette · 04/01/2014 15:06

Please listen to cog, she speaks much sense and gives excellent advice.

I moved two hundred miles to be with my husband. I had a job to go to. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

His said he would support you until you found the right job and then said you would want to pay half the bills. You don't even have a job yet so how can he know you will be able to afford it.

Red flags all over here.

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