Bills when moving in with the BF!

[Overthinker123]

Hi All,

I would like to get peoples opinion on the following situation please?!
A man with his own house asks his gf to move in with him. They are both very much in love & have discussed wanting a family together in the near future.
What would be fair for her to pay towards the bills? How is it best to work out grocery shopping?
Thanks!

Just want to reiterate one thing that's been mentioned above: if he expects a 50:50 split of the bills, then you really must make sure that those bills are set to match your income, not his, and you're not paying half of his requirements. In other words, don't agree to e.g. Sky if you can't afford 50% of Sky, and so on. If he insists on Sky, then he has to pay 100% of it. (It would then be interesting to see if he resents you watching it when he's paid for it...)

So now your concerns are just 'nothing'.... ? Anyone can pay for a holiday or a meal if they are getting what they want out of it. 'Love' is respecting your partner's feelings and taking them seriously. Lots of alarm bells ringing here. Can't you get your job back?

Do you think he was worried that you'd not bother looking hard for a job? So telling you to pay half was his way of pushing you, making sure you knew he expected it?

Tbh, you have a gut feeling for a reason. Your issue here is not what you pay - if you can take him on face value about it changing back to what makes you comfortable. Your issue is him not caring enough to understand why it upset you. Maybe you're just feeling vulnerable about moving generally... a good man will listen to those fears.

Have you made a proposal yet?
Here's what I'd do:
Work out your new earnings (are you temp now?)
Work out outgoings, ignoring luxury food and sky (if you genuinely wouldn't have it)
Work out proportional amount
Then compare it to your old outgoing.
Maybe you earn 1/3 of the household, and the outgoings are £1000. So your share is £333.
But - you've given up free (?) rent and used to have outgoings of £250

I'd propose in that case that you pay him either what you paid out before, or your proportional share, whichever is lower. With a bottom level that you don't COST him. So if your parents paid for everything, and you had no outgoings, you'd have to pay exactly what it costed for you to be there.

At this point, he is cost neutral.
You are either neutral, or gaining.
If you gain, agree with him that it's put against your loans to reduce them quicker. Then, when they're paid off, the extra goes into a separate account which you will keep in your name, to start to build a "maternity leave" fund for both of your benefit.

If he won't discuss it, or disagrees - end it.

I don't actually think this is about budgets.

I just couldn't imagine moving in with a boyfriend, who already has established bills (such as sky) and then him suggesting I pay half. It just wouldn't sit right somehow. I agree for Bills which may increase with me moving in....food ....utilities etc.
Seems as if he's pitched in high (asking for half) and will leave the ball in your court.

Btw - there's absolutely nothing wrong in saying "I love you, I want to be with you - but I can't afford it yet. When I've paid off my loan and increased my salary by £2K, then I can - and I'm looking forward to it".

If he wants to pay for your holidays or meals so you pay off loan ASAP, well that's lovely. But you owe him NOTHING. Gifts must be freely given.

I earn 2x what my boyfriend earns. I just took him on holiday. Proportional to our income, he just spent "more" on me for Xmas. He could chuck me tomorrow, I wouldn't care that I'd bought him a holiday, that's the giver's "risk".

And also - you know when I pay for his meal out? It's not cos I love him and I'm generous (although I am both of those things) it's because selfishly I want to go out, or to that restaurant. And that's what it will cost. Don't go thinking there isn't a selfish element to him paying. It's not a bad selfish thing. My boyfriend doesn't expect me to pay, at all. But I create no obligation on him by CHOOSING to pay.

Here's an older man who grandly pays for holidays, meals and gifts to a younger woman... sweeps her off her feet, dazzling her with his generosity and kindness. Then declares undying love and offers her a place in his lovely home, just far enough away that she has to say goodbye to family/friends/colleagues, with promises of children and a future together .... and just as she gives up her job to rush to the side of her Romeo, dreaming of white dresses and diamond rings, he tries to stick her with a £60 bill for Sky.

Petty

And, unfortunately, not an uncommon way for some really miserable relationships to start.

I earn more than DP, but I'm also paying off a credit card debt, so our disposable incomes are similar. He moved into the house that I owned, and we agreed that we could contribute equal amounts, but this works out as me paying the mortgage and him paying for the bills and food, so that way he has no claim over my house if anything went wrong in the future (which I sincerely doubt it will I love and trust him very much, but you can never be too careful). I guess DP pays over the odds for food as he skips breakfast and eats lunch at work every day, whereas I work from home and eat all meals at home, but DP has never complained - I don't think he'd dare as I do the majority of the housework!

Overthinker - just wanted to add, please don't be scared off by some pretty forthright opinions!

I just notice your username particularly - you are NOT over thinking this! You're very sensibly thinking about it a lot!

You have only known him 9 months, you don't know him at all. How old are you OP and how old is he?

I'd expect to go 50/50 on bills, whether a man or a women. Different if married or have children but in a BF/GF relationship both parties should pay their own way regarding bills and then chose themselves what they spend the remainder of their salaries on.

He's taken a huge gamble moving you in so soon with no job and debts and its certainly way too soon to even think about children. You need a serious commited long term relationship first.

Imagine my surprise to find that he is older than you and that you'd only been going out 9 months.

"I don't actually think this is about budgets." Nope. It's about attitudes. More specifically his. And that is hugely worrying because attitudes are very difficult to change.

He isn't making any gamble HappyMummyOfOne. His life doesn't change at all.

You have been a couple for 9 months and you have given up your job to be with him

So he knows you have no income but he asks for half the bills....

He sounds like a prick.

When I was working and my GF was not I paid the bills, now we are both working we both pay the bills, joint account, it goes in, it goes out.

Will he ask for extra money off you for tampax etc in the shopping, we go 50/50 on the shopping excpet one week a month when I pay 5 quid more..

happymummy what is his huge gamble?
Even if he's absolutely a peach of a man and desperately in love and this is some misunderstanding... he doesn't lose any money having her there, mostly likely gains, and gets his girlfriend there, no long commute to see her, and none of the gamble of giving up a job!
Totally fail to see what risk he has taken at all.

If she pays 50/50, he GAINS financially. She loses. That's not love.

At 9 months, treat it like a lodger situation. I had a lodger - he sure as hell didn't bankroll me for half my outgoings!!! If I ate steak, he didn't pay half. If I wanted Sky, my business. I could charge a little more rent with Sky I think - but not much, it's standard in a lot of homes. I certainly couldn't expect a lodger to pick up half that cost!

Lodgers won't you see, because they don't gain from owning the property.

I laud half outgoings with my higher earning first live-together, because I wanted to. He owned the house. When we split, I lived there rent free for 6 months because he said it'd be useful for me to save towards deposit on a house, and I'd effectively been making him money for the last 3 years. We still were good friends. ANY set up can work IME - but only if BOTH feel it's fair.

Am I right in thinking you have given up your job because it is difficult to commute/distance and moved out of your parents home to be with this guy,I hear alarm bells ringing already as you will be distanced from your family and if no job on offer relient on this guy for everything,he may provide you with nice holidays/meals etc but he is in control isn't he or am I missing the point,I've seen this so so often and can only say take care.

Cabrinha, his gamble is that she has no job so he will need to pay for her every need. Given its a new relationship he has no idea of the OP's work ethic etc, it could be a long time before she finds her ideal job.

Do women really expect to be be paid for if they move in with a man? Thats very depressing and why should they have no living expenses?

So if a man moves in with a woman and doesnt pay his share he is a cocklodger yet if the woman moves in and the man dares expect she pays her way then he is awful and simplly wants to make money out of the relationship

Cabrinha, his gamble is that she has no job so he will need to pay for her every need. Given its a new relationship he has no idea of the OP's work ethic etc, it could be a long time before she finds her ideal job.

She can sign on, and her every need will be less than his.......

He can however say to her in a week, its not working, move back to your parents....

HappyMummyOfOne - Well clearly he doesn't want to provide for her every need as he wants her to pay half the bills (on no income).

I don't think that there is any expectation on the part of the OP that he will pay for her, just worry about how she is going to do it and their incompatibility on how they spend their money.

The power is all with him, not her.

Don't move in with him. I moved in with my bf after 8 months and it was awful. Found out a bunch of stuff I didn't know about before big stuff as well. You would be completely financially dependent on him, why couldn't he have moved nearer to you or meet in the middle so you could both commute? You sound young in your posts, I wouldn't rush into anything no matter how madly in love you are. I was there 6 months ago and it didn't work.

Thanks glasgowsteven

happymummy -exactly that, she will have some income, and in any case he can just ask her to leave. After she's given up her job to be there. And the point is, even if she pays almost nothing, she won't cost him any more. Of course she should pay her way - but if she doesn't, he doesn't LOSE financially.

I've earned a bit less, a lot less, and a lot more in my serious relationships. Where it was less, I chose to pay 50/50. Where it is a lot more, we don't live together. If we did, my choice would be that he only paid the extra cost. If proportionally he wanted to pay more, I'd suggest it went I to a separate account for a big treat in the future. Horses for courses.

The issues here are that he went back on a discussion, appeared not to listen when she wanted to talk about it, that she is young and making decisions like giving up a job after 9 month dating...

When DH moved into my house he offered to pay 50% of the bills, which I accepted.

Now we jointly own a home together, I pay proportionately more into our joint finances because I earn more.

I do think if you have very different approaches to money (or very different incomes and don't do anything to take account of that, like proportionately split costs) then it could cause problems. If you're going to be seething everytime he chucks a steak into the supermarket trolley each week it's not going to help keep you very much in love. In your situation, it sounds like you might feel that proportionately splitting all household based on your respective incomes bills is fairer. Unlike other posters, personally, I think that needs to include everything (Sky) as I think there needs to be a bit of give and take.

As other posters have said, the most important thing is that you can come up with some arrangement that you both feel is fair.

I am in my late 20's so not as young as you may think (I haven't lived with my parents forever, but the opportunity to sort my finances out has been nice & they are happy with me being there)

I have a good work ethic & when he mentioned supporting me I would always say confidently that it wont come to that I will get a job, it wasn't until I handed my notice in that I myself felt a bit worried about the reality of it all. (Im a bit up & down about it, ive been in this job for many years, lots of new changes for me)

I know he wouldn't have asked for any money if any month I didnt have any income coming in at all!
I am happy to pay my way,I would never expect him to pay for everything, just some of the comments & timing of it all has upset me. At one point he also said about taking it in turns to pay for groceries & I thought eek that could get expensive. He has also changed his mind on this now, and wants me to do whatever I feel is right, which is nice of him to say, but I cant help but think some of his comments were worrying. I now feel I should pay half the bills including sky etc because that was his original thought & he said it so matter of factually, without asking me my opinion. I dont want him to feel unhappy with me, but then I also thought we both felt secure enough to the fact of wanting a family together (not immediately, no need to comment on this please:) ) & our relationship lasting.

I like hearing everyone's views though it does help me, so thank you!

So do you have income just now or not.

How can you pay half of anything on zero income, plus you have loans to pay, and the freedom of wanting a magazine, a train ticket back home to visit family/friends?

New underwear, hair dye, the million things you currently buy yourself without thinking about it. Now you will need to ask him, or will he pay money into your bank until you get a job, as there is a school of thought you are not entitled to JSA if you are a "couple" I am unsure on this though so others may advise better.

It does seem as if you have given up a lot to be with him.

Out of interest, how far was the commute (in hours on public transport) to the job you gave up?