Seperated- are we confusing dc?

[Stillcomingtoterms]

Dh and I separated beginning of November. We have dd9 and ds7.
The split was amicable and so we've remained quite good friends. However I don't know if the fact that were friendly to each other could cause more issues for the dc or if it is In fact better this way.

He has the dc twice a week at his but in between he may call in if he's passing just for coffee and to say hi to dc or call.
we've also discussed maybe going away together as neither of us can afford separate holidays.

I'm worried that dd will think as we spend time together there's a chance we will get back together and that we're giving mixed signals, but then on the other Hand I think us being friendly and spending time with them together is better than us arguing or slagging each other off.

Can anyone whose dealt with similar or has been a child of divorced parents give me some advice?

why did you separate ?

I think it's great. Not sure about the holiday though.

I don't know about confusing the kids but I'm a little confused. Why separate if you then carry on as before? Who initiated the split? If you're amicable enough to be going on holidays together, why didn't the relationship work in the first place?

Ehh... Okay here goes. He has figured out that he bats for the other side !

So needless to say as much as were still best friends we can't remain together.

I think it sounds ok. Is there any sign of them being confused? If your DD is asking questions, then maybe you can keep reinforcing that you are not going to get back together, but that you still like spending time together.

That does put a different complexion on it. Nevertheless, I think you owe it to yourself to start making a more independent life. It's great to remain friends with an ex but be careful you don't stagnate personally. Easy done.

My parents did this. 'separated' when I was 9, my brother was 10. But nothing much changed and he still had meals at our house and we went on holidays together. To be honest it was the worst thing they ever did! I didn't realise quite how much it had affected me until later in life, at the time it was all I knew, but it actually was very confusing and, for my brother and I it was very damaging. We both have quite serious 'issues' as a result. I think I never really knew what was going on and I found that really difficult and actually when I look back I feel like they put their relationship with each other above us kids. They are still in some weird relationship limbo even though they are formally divorced but I now have learnt to detach from it and leave them to it.
I am not saying that this will happen in your situation btw, just giving my story and maybe something to consider.
In contrast, my dh's parents divorced when he was 3. He saw his dad every weekend and his parents were very much separated. But he is very close to both of them and he has no confusing memories of the situation.

I feel very deflated by that story! OP you're in a similar situation to me- exh not gay but zero sexual interest for many years, despite relate, etc. No going back to the marriage for either of us, but for various reasons esp my long work hours and commute, we've done the holiday, meals and popping over for the last couple of years. I don't know how long it will go on, I expect all will change with new partners. We're constantly at pains to explain the situation to the dcs. I dearly hope we are not confusing them. I think it's vastly preferable to the hatred, injunctions and court battles me and dsis and dbros were subjected to in our childhood. Horses for courses, and honesty the best policy.

I guess it would be far more confusing to the dcs if you started being cold and unfriendly to each other now, after an amicable relationship and split.

Just be very very clear and consistent that you are both happier living apart and that there is no chance whatsoever of a reconciliation although you will always be friends.

I'd also tell the dcs sooner rather than later that their dad is gay so they can get used to the idea if there's any chance of new partners coming into their lives in the future. Then there'll be nothing to be confused about.

I think being amicable is a good thing, as long as there are clear boundaries and your DC know you won't get back together. That it's reinforced regularly iyswim.

The best book I read on divorce and kids was called what about the children. Worth a read imo on how to help them.

Thanks all. I've ordered some books from amazon to read and try and understand what may be going through their heads.

Dd has said to school friends that as dh was staying for Xmas it must mean we were getting back together and she wrote it on her wish list for Santa. I've said to her that as much as me and dh love each other it's a friend type of love and not the love husband and wives normally have etc I've also said that thee is no way we will ever get back together. When he stayed at Xmas it was clear to the dc that he slept on the settee.

I'm guessing that as we both find other partners we will have less free time and therefore won't be able to speak so often, whereas at the moment as either of us have anyone else it's easy just to call in.

I had heard such horror stories from people whose parents had refused to speak to each other, argued over everything and made the kids take sides that I didn't want that to happen to our dc.

Bt- can I ask why you feel the way your parents handled it didn't work?

In regards to telling them that he's gay, I don't quite know what to tell them, I'm afraid dd would get bullied about it.

I do think there is a reason kids love the film The Parent Trap, they all long for their parents to get back together. Just keep talking to them.

I think him staying over night could be very confusing tbh though.

Have you explained his orientation to the DC?

It'll need to be done before he can have an acknowledged new partner, and might be better done with some separation between the telling and the appearance of a new 'friend'.

And it would make the finality of end of the marriage more comprehensible.

It won't confuse the kids explain to them what has happened.
He is a prick however for getting into a long term relationship with a woman if he is gay. It just messes you about for no reason.

Yikes, this thread is a bit of an eye-opener. XH and I have a very amicable split. In fact he's like my best friend. I thought it was good for the kids....not so sure now...

I am reading with interest as I came out to my DH 1.5 weeks before Xmas after a year in therapy questioning my unhappiness, sexuality and marriage.

I spent most of last year looking at my marriage and trying to separate out the queries I have about my sexuality from it. There were a heap of marriage problems anyway but I felt I had to let DH know that all the problems were not his fault and that I need to split as I could not put my heart into the marriage as I now identify as a lesbian.

The tension and atmosphere between us dissolved immediately and we are currently working on an amicable split and want to remain friends . we have not told the DC anything yet (will do so when he is close to moving out) and it is really weird as although we both know that our marriage is untenable for a no. Of reasons I feel guilty and sad now that the elation of coming out and making the decision to end it has subsided and feel the full force of the impact my 'decision' to come out is gonna have on him, dcs and out lives. I've been viscerally unhappy and know that splitting is necessary but giving up the familiarity of our shared life suddenly feels daunting.

We are hoping to get him house nearby and share care and be friends so we can meet altogether for the odd meal out, remain in the dcs lives together as much as possible etc. We have to work out how we retain the friendship without giving them the false hope that we will reconcile.

I don't think it has to be confusing, obviously it has for one poster but others have said that it was much better, I think the key thing is to be very open with the children, so if you haven't started speaking about same sex relationships, mummy/daddy combos then I would start now, my children know quite a bit about these and they are similar ages. This then sets the stage for your husband telling them about himself a bit later on.

I think that this type of arrangement can cause confusion if there is unresolved issues or tension between the couple, either because one is hoping to reconcile or that they are happy drifting along with an ambiguous relationship whereas little children tend to think in black and white. Here, though, the reason for splitting is very clear and doesn't need to be described in terms of blame, although I'm sure you are quite annoyed at your husband just discovering his sexuality quite so far into his marriage. I think staying friendly is a good idea, but being really clear you are not getting back together will work just fine and has to be much better than arguing/divorce courts and general unpleasantness.

Your dd will be sad though because children do want their lives to be like idealized versions of the movies and not to be different, and so that's hard, but normal and doesn't mean it will affect them negatively for ever.

I friend's DD whose parents never lived together told me at the age of 9 that she fantasised about them getting back together and found her mother's boyfriend moving in very difficult for this reason.

Children will clutch at straws so you do need to make sure you aren't sending them mixed messages.

Also consider your future relationships. If you find a new partner and that partner moves in, will your ExH have to suddenly stop popping in for an impromptu chat and going on holiday with you? It's not just about having less time. It's about territory and whose home it is. Not a good idea to kick off a step parenting relationship with a big dose of resentment from the DCs because their dad doesn't come round any more.

OP - i think the reasons my parents didn't make it work was that they were neither together nor apart. They had explained that they wanted to be apart, bit their behaviour was the opposite of this. The not knowing was the hardest thing to grasp as a child. Perhaps more honesty would have been better. Kids used to ask.me at school if my parents were divorced or not and I couldn'treally identify with either group and no one else could understand my sutuation.
I'm really sorry if i have upset anyone with my previous post. As a child I really had no idea if my parents were together or not and it has had a lasting effect. BUT this is specific to MY experience. Please don't think I am saying you can't make it work

I agree it's an eye opener, I don't want the dcs to grow up in a limbo land. I like to hope as much honesty as possible is going to work but- yikes! I just hated the warzone of my youth- then again, my parents were far TOO honest about how much they despised each other! Clarity is key, I think. I guess one way or another parents can mess up their dcs and maybe it's time the movies and fairy tales caught up with how complicated it can all be?

I guess one way or another parents can mess up their dcs

Parenting is a long series of gambles in which you try to make the decisions that do the least damage possible to your children then get to look back and cringe about all the times you got it wrong.

My parents split when I was seven and went to relate to learn how to have a good divorce. I had a great upbringing as a result so I'd recommend a few sessions to talk through how to behave towards each other and the kids.

They never said a bad word about each other to us. They did school and family events together. They spent half of Xmas day with us all together and we even did a couple of holidays with them both. They still see each other most weeks because they have grandchildren they help out with. And my mum and step mum get on great!

I'm eternally grateful to them for working so hard at giving their kids the perfect divorce...

You are less likely to move on and get a new partner if the old one is providing you with all the adult company you need.

From
My experience you need a proper split so that the kids know that mummy and daddy are no longer together. My ex hasnt set foot in my house for months. He used to pop round and it used to confuse our dd and it used to mess with my mind in all honesty. Now we both lead separate lives completely and it is better for our dd. that being said when it was her birthday we both took her out for the day.

I think there are two different questions here apart from the whole gay parent issue

one - is it better to have parents who are friendly and polite or warring parents who bad-mouth each other? (obviously the warring is bad for everybody)
Two - is it better for the dcs if their parents have a extremely clear boundaries about where their relationship stops, or better if the parents have a more fluid, flexible approach and there are no 'rules'?
(To this question it may be better for some clear lines in the sand between the parents so the dcs understand exactly what's what and what's not.)

So, depending on circs, it may be that xh never lets himself in to the family home and doesn't own a key, never turns up unexpectedly without pre=arrangement, has set days when he has the dcs and the parents are seen not to depend on each other for the little jobs that they would have done in a relationship. But remaining friends nonetheless.