Please help! Advice needed regarding relationship

[Superdonny]

Hey all
I'm new and not sure where to start. And sorry if this get's long. Feeling very confused. And i'm just not sure if this is 'normal'…or if i'm being abnormal and ungrateful.
yesterday my partner and i (2 and a half years - no children, though i miscarried this year) decided after quite a difficult year to 'take a break' from each other. He'd moved in last january after i found out i was pregnant. We've always had what i'd define as not an easy relationship. He has always been though a good person, kind, respectful, and i could write a long list of his 'qualities' so to speak.
We were/are though extremely different people. I know that he's never really got me, or what I'm about. That sounds really egoistical and i feel quite guilty and ungrateful. Does it matter? Should it matter? It's sometimes been very hard to tune into each other. He's had an incredibly sheltered life and i've had the opposite.
There are so many qualities that he has which i admire, he's reliable, trustworthy and protective. But i often feel and have felt kind of as if a thick blanket has been thrown over me, and has somehow extinguished all the fun from my life. I know that it can't all be down to him, of course!
Since we've been together though (I moved city for work and do not have any friends or family) I've become totally isolated. My life is 100% him. And i just know that this is not doing me any good.
The last year has been constellated with weekly arguments (yes…I started them all…probably from multiple insecurities!) whereby i always end up putting our whole relationship on the line. I feel awful, i feel as if i've ruined his life. He's a good person and i wish i could be the uneventful, 'good' partner that he so craves. Even though he says he 'loves me as i am'…
Can it be that we're just not suited to each other?
I feel so utterly confused about what's right, wrong, what i feel, what i should appreciate, if it's just me being a complete utter idiot?
Is it wrong to want to have 'fun' with your partner? To laugh at the same things? Is that unreasonable? Half the time he has no idea what I'm talking about regarding…art, music, film eccc… I've tried to 'excuse' this ti myself…saying that i have no idea about football and the ancient romans. But heck… sometimes you just want to listen to Pearl Jam on HIGH volume together with someone who knows who they are!!
Sorry for being sooooo long.
I ask, is this immature???
I'm really confused….

If he doesn't really 'get' you & what you're 'about' then I think you're in the wrong relationship.

I don't think different interests matter if you have some interests at least in common, and you're fundamentally on the same wavelength.

I agree that sometimes you want someone to sing all the words to Ziggy Stardust with...

You don't 'get' him, he doesn't 'get' you.

I know you feel like it sounds really silly to say you want to listen to Pearl Jam on high volume with someone who knows who they are, but it's not daft. That's exactly what I want (not necessarily with Pearl Jam).

I don't care if someone hasn't heard of Tom Waits before me, as long as they completely fall in love with him when they do

But it's not wrong to want to have fun. And to want to find the same things fun.

I'm 39 and I still wear dresses with DMs. I want a man in his 40s who still wants a woman l who wears dresses and DMs.

I want someone who is as happy bake bread with me as they are to laugh and get grossed out watching Braindead.

I want someone who will get up and make me brandy and warm milk in the middle of the night when I'm not feeling well and someone and who will make crazy outrageous plans for starting a band...

And yes, I want him to have similar attitudes to me when it comes to finances and parenting, etc. But, to be honest, at the moment what I really want is someone who makes me feel 17 again when I'm with him.

And why shouldn't I have this?

In fact, I have sort of found this.

And he wants all those things too.

I'm increasingly of the opinion that life is too short, and if it ain't working, change it. Decide what you want your life to look like and make it happen.

(Very sorry to read about the m/c xx)

You're just not right together. You can't make it fit if it doesn't.

I don't think you do sound at all right for each other, I'm sorry.
You say he doesn't get you & it seems you have no shared interests at all?
Having your own things is absolutely fine but not if you don't have anything you can share & yes having fun together is important.
I think you should both cut your losses & find the people who are right for you.

Thanks so much for the replies

Reading your lines, all more or less state a common thought and perspective. It's kind of like putting left shoe on right foot and right shoe on left foot. There is still a shoe situation going on, it's just somehow not how it should be.
It's as if I read, hear, about really shit, hard situations, and understanding that mine is not at all life threatening or dramatic, which makes me feel even worse.
What i often wonder is if it's just me being a spoilt brat who should just be grateful for whoever comes my way!! In the past year with partner, after arguments, taken ALL the blame ALL of the time - saying it's just me with a crappy personality, etc… Which somewhere down the line has just completely stuck. Constant PMT a GoGo
I know that if we'd have met in outer 20's or 30's we'd have either blanked or hated each other :-) big time.
I know he can't grasp the fact that these 'differences' can…er… be relevant. Or perhaps it's because he's just more mature.
I dunno!!!
This is so hard.
Ok…so this is 'petty' (please forgive) but he has never once shown the slightest (self generated) interest in any of my photography (hobby) unless of course…I go bananas and brat like accuse hime of 'never showing any interest' and then we argue of course!!
But then why should i crave wanting to share my hobby with him??!

I'm in 40's and wear H&M too Love David Bowie and Tom Waits. True… I was enlightening him to Metallica the other day, he really had no idea what was going on. OK, fair enough. But what 'upsets' me most is complete lack of interest, curiosity. The world is an incredible place filled with all sorts of magical, terrible, wonderful, colorful, different, boring, normal, abnormal…THINGS!!!
Sorry....

What you're describing is 'incompatibility'. In the early days differences are easily glossed over or put down as loveable quirks. Then they become irritating. Eventually it's all you can think about (especially if you've got nothing else to think about). Worst case scenario, they are forming part of your defence counsel's argument why you shouldn't be sent down for braining him with a shovel....

No-one is right or wrong here. No-one is the good guy or the bad guy. You're just two different people and you either love each other's differences or you shake hands and go your separate ways.

CogitoErgoSometimes - thank you, you made me laugh! First time in two days!

You 're not actually obliged to be in a relationship, but if you are in one, it's best to be in one with someone with whom you 're compatible.

You ask "why should I crave wanting to share my hobby with him?" ...eh because he's your partner? Genuine question: what's the point in being in a relationship with someone who doesn't understand you?

CailinDana… Good Question
He has many qualities which I admire. He's kind, he listens (though he doesn't necessarily understand), I can trust him 100%. He loves me and I (think..thought…er unable to understand at present) love him.
After years of several unfortunate relationships, one of which abusive, plus a failed marriage…(guess what to someone 100% compatible!!!)… With this person I felt secure, stable (in what has been a totally unstable life).
But the fact that i'd regularly bite his head off and put everything - all our relationship straight on the line… questioning, probing, behaving like a bitch repeatedly…has made me wonder if:

a) i'm off my rocker…
b) i'm incapable of "an adult relationship"
c) he's not the right person for me (incompatible)
d) or if i'm just incapable of settling in the kind of stable, safe, provincial, no nonsense lifestyle which at present I'm leading…

I wouldn't keep it up, just being a nice reasonable person isn't enough, you have to fit.

Maybe you would make good friends- got to say you don't sound the right partner for each other.

But you seem to think that being mature, grown up and in an adult relationship is all about... well.. what exactly?

Suppressing the fun, youthful side of yourself?

He might not be bothered by the differences between you. Some people aren't. That doesn't mean you're wrong or immature if you are.

It is important to me that someone has a slightly quirky outlook on life. I don't want someone who is happy to sit at home gawping at whatever TV programmes the schedulers decide we're watching this year, playing football on a Saturday because "it's what everyone does", absorbing whatever popular culture is currently deemed fashionable because they haven't got the wherewithal, or the inclination, to look beyond the banal and the pedestrian (IMHO!). I want to be creatively stimulated and intellectually challenged. I think I'd shrivel up and die without it.

I want someone who wants to challenge themselves and have new adventures. I know that my parents thought it was "about time" I "grew up" a long time ago. My dad's widow is 5 years older than me, but in reality she was 'older' at 23 than I am now at nearly 40.

I have friends in their 70s who are as 'young' as I am.

The world is an incredible place filled with all sorts of magical, terrible, wonderful, colorful, different, boring, normal, abnormal…THINGS!!!

^^ This. This is so important.

Throw the doors and windows open, feel the breeze on your face embrace yourself, spend some time on your own and then the right man for you will come to you...

Maybe you're not suited to the sort of relationship he provides. There's nothing wrong with that, is there? What I mean is, he seems great but he's not great for you. It's a shame and sad but it happensand the best thing to do is move on.
Are you keen to have children?

It's C

FolkGirl: I couldn't agree more. Thank you for your answer, your words and your time. I think I have (had to) suppressed my… essence.
He says he 'loves me for who I am… and what I am'. Although it's so painfully clear to me that he cannot relate, or has no real understanding of me.
God it sound as if it's all about "me, me, me".
I'm so sure that he tries, God how he does. I sometimes have the feeling that I'm like some 'exotic pet monkey' that he 'enjoys and is entertained by'. Oh Life!

CaillinDana…I would have been keen to have kids… many years ago….

Superdonny this post caught my eye because I too have been with my DP 2.5 years and we moved in together in January.

In previous relationships I never felt that my partners truly "got" me - I'm a creative person with quite a surreal sense of humour and when I was dancing around the living room being a loon I'd kind of get an "oooo-kay whatever" response, with a roll of the eyes.

Then I met DP - he works in the same creative profession as I do and has exactly the same sense of humour - this time I was dancing around the living room chanting "he gets me, he gets me!" Thankfully he felt the same way and we're now engaged.

Have to say though, I too love Pearl Jam and I was feeling all nostalgic playing their Ten album in the car the other day and he turned to me and said "what the hell is this noise?!" so not everything is perfect, but I will try to overlook his musical ignorance!

Have to say, your relationship sounds very much like my last ex, who I now call "the one before the one" - we first knew each other through friends at uni - first impression he was not on my wavelength at all. Encountered each other again in our thirties, tried to make it work for 4 agonising years - wish I hadn't bothered!

But it is all about you. Or at least it should be whilst you're really taking stock of the person you are and identifying and recognising the sort of person you need.

A partner should be someone who complements you. Who enhances you. Who enables you to shine like the brightest star in the sky. Whilst you do the same for them.

Of course it's important that you can trust them etc. but I really get what you're saying about feeling like an exotic pet monkey. I do get people saying to me (now I'm 14 months out of an unfulfilling marriage) that I'm 'amazing' because of some of the things I do. I'm not amazing, I'm just me.

Well, I am amazing, but no more amazing than anyone else.

Over the past 14 months I've taken stock of everything and I'm really now just a 39 year old version of my 17 year old self. I tried 'growing up' and realised that 'growing up' was going to happen anyway - and I have 'matured' in all the ways that are important. I didn't need to sacrifice myself for it.

Rather than trying to suppress aspects of myself that I worried were 'immature', I have embraced them and now the people I have around me are so much better suited to me because I am me and they just accept me for that.

I've also found that I'm more attractive to men in general...

isitnormal
YES! totally understand you!
Have spent several painful afternoons in art galleries at the end feeling embarrassed about being creative, and forlorn that i have to somehow justify it. I'm glad you found the good one !!!

My first impression from your OP is that you got pregnant and he 'did the right thing'' and that if the pregnancy and moving in hadn't happened you might have split up before now.

Other than that if you want to stay in that town with or without him you need to expand your horizons and get some friends and a life beyond one person.

Also if you have had a very unstable life then you might benefit from some counselling. It's a lot to put on him to provide you with stability while you also feel stifled by that.

Agree with all the above but wonder if all this is intensified by your lack of friends? If your partner is your only close person that's very hard. I totally get what you are saying about his lack of curiosity in your interests but could you join a group or class where you will get to meet others with your interests?

My DH is a little like you describe but we have a great marriage. I have a lot of friends!

FolkGirl I think you must be pretty amazing!

I get what you mean by being a 39 year old version of you 17 year old self. I'm there too.
For me it's not that easy. At the moment I live in a place where anyone over the age of 30 who shows 'those kind of tendencies' has a pretty tough time.

It is a bit strange when you realize that 'growing up' is not going to happen though?! I'm kind of understanding that now.

Again thank you for sharing. I've been feeling pretty much like a cartoon character from hell recently (er…like a year and a half) and your words make me fell less 'alone'.

BillyBanter I do need to expand my horizons. That is true. I'm taking stock. It's one way up.

Matildathecat I often wondered that too. Had I had more friends would I have been so preoccupied with my "relationship", would I have 'passed' on many things. I'm not sure. He has tendencies to be 'closed' to the outside world. I'm the opposite. I sometimes feel as if i've been (voluntary) imprisoned in an ivory tower.

I think I may have closed the key by myself though. not sure.

Growing up has happened though.

You don't still prioritise going out with your friends on a Friday night above all else; you probably don't think the hangover is worth it anymore; you've got a job; you pay your bills; you don't lie in bed all weekend (unless you've made the choice too) "just coz"; you've done your education; you understand how to behave in public... You don't strop around stamping your feet and shouting that it's "not fair"

You just haven't grown into the 1950s housewife image that, for example, my mother expected me to do.

Oh, if you knew where I lived...

Where I live, the majority of the people drive shiny 4x4s and overheard conversations in the local pub comprise people discussing the ever increasing values of their property portfolios because in our area, the prices are still increasing and never really stopped...

But when I started to really be myself again, no one really batted an eyelid and more than that, I felt more confident about talking to other people and they all comment on how "lovely" I am because I talk to people now! Part of that is because I am lovely , and part of that is because I don't dress my kids at Joules and it's a bit of a surprise ;-)

I also found that there are a lot more people 'like me' round here than I realised. They might not look like it so much any more... but they are there.

All those indie/metal/rock/goth kids didn't disappear, they toned down, they got jobs but they are still there...

I was at a fairly small house party on New Years Eve. I never go anywhere on New Years Eve. I think was 22 the last time I went out at New Year and this year I had 3 invitations. 3. One of them was to go to another country with the man I'm sort of seeing and spend it with his family, but my passport didn't arrive in time

And my passport didn't arrive in time because it was a real last minute decision - several friends rallied round to organise looking after my children for a few days.

I was absolutely terrified, but gutted when it didn't happen.

It was very exhilarating though. And all part of the adventure.