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Original poster

Am extremely angry & upset AGAIN with husband

27 replies

gladxmasisover · 02/01/2014 16:09

Can someone please give me their opinion on this situation with H as I cannot speak to him at the moment as very angry at him?

Basically he can be unsociable (only when it involves my friends and family).
Four years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer (just before Xmas) we both agreed to make more of an effort at xmas, he hates xmas , I'm not that keen but I never let it stop me making a big effort as our DD's were 3 & 10 at the time.

The xmas following the diagnosis, he was great and we had a good time. Last xmas was good again but he refused to do anything over the new year so me and DD's did our own thing. We went for a meal NYE and to the cinema.

This xmas back to normal self . Me and DD's went out for a meal xmas eve, admittedly I did not ask him as he no doubt would have refused. Plus he's not keen on restaurant we were going to.

NYE DD's & I went to a family party but H refused to go. New years day I took DD's to cinema and a meal. Again I did not ask him as he does not like the cinema.

He stormed out of the house just before we left saying that he was going out.

My older DD said I should have asked him to go to the cinema anyway even though he would have refused. I was angry with him over NYE so could not be bothered.

H and I had a big arguement when we got back, he said I should have asked him to go even though he probably would not have gone! The xmas eve meal he said we should have gone later when he got back home, however he was out and I was not sure when he was coming home.

I see photos taken on his phone out with his friends,enjoying himself and being the life and soul of the party but he can never be like that with me and the children.

My older DD is unhappy with him and has told him he is immature. She said she is unhappy at home as there is always an atmosphere but is always asking me to promise her that me and H wont split up. Many of her friends parents have.

I so unhapppy at the moment. I dont want to split up with him in case my cancer comes back. The DD's happiness is the most important.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 02/01/2014 16:16

Tbh the fact that you've chosen to go to places he wouldn't want to and didn't bother inviting him doesn't go in your favour.

If you really wanted him to be with you you'd have chosen somewhere he'd like and actually asked him to go, rather than deliberately setting him up for a fall which is what I'd feel if I were him.

You also say you don't want to split with him in case your cancer comes back and because of DD's happiness, not because you love him and want to be with him for who he is. It's no wonder he can be really happy and the life and soul of the party with you and your children if that's how you are with him.

Awkwardsis · 02/01/2014 16:17

I think the thing here is lack of communication. I'd be a bit cross if someone assumed I'd not want to do something so didn't even ask. In that situation he can't really win. But if you're so unhappy, then you have to ask are you only staying with him in case you get I'll again? That's no reason to stay with someone IMO. Cancer is stressful and that alone would have put a strain on your relationship. Are you sure he's not worried about you getting ill again and is just really really crap at expressing it?

runningonwillpower · 02/01/2014 16:20

I'm confused.

Why does your husband have to be invited to family outings?

Round here, we just organise it as a couple.

wonderstuff · 02/01/2014 16:27

I don't think fear of cancer returning is a good reason to stay together. You aren't giving him the opportunity to participate, you need to discuss plans and decide together who does what. In his shoes I'd be upset.

Original poster
gladxmasisover · 02/01/2014 16:36

I take on board all of your comments.

Yes I could ask him to go with us but got fed up with the rejection. Plus he rarely suggests or organises anything for us to do.

Dont get me wrong there are things we do as a family, it just sometimes takes me and the children to pursuade him to do th

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 02/01/2014 16:39

Oh he is beginning to sound like hard work. What was it someone said on another thread - a "fun hoover"? Sucks all the fun out of things.

What did you say to your DD when she asked you not to split up? Because that isn't something you can promise. And tbh you shouldn't promise it because you need to think of your welfare and happiness as well as everyone else's.

Original poster
gladxmasisover · 02/01/2014 16:43

Scallopsrgreat - I didn't really answer her, kind of side stepped it. I do love him and he was very supportive of me when I was ill.

OP posts:
nomorecrumbs · 02/01/2014 16:46

Does he enjoy doing any family-orientated activities, OP? Perhaps those linked to his own interests? e.g. DH enjoys mountain bike-riding and rock climbing even though I don't really so we take the DC out on trips every fine weekend to the countryside. That way we all get something out of it - I insist on a pub lunch Grin

Joysmum · 02/01/2014 16:47

Well, if you're not prepared to organise anything he would like and won't invite him then you've stopped trying. Unless you're prepared to get out of that blame mindset and just crack on with trying to make a good life for you and your husband now then things won't improve. If they won't improve, are you prepared to continue living separate lives (which is what it sounds like you're doing socially now).

You can look at this like he's not prepared to go out and have fun with you and be happy, or you can ask yourself why he can't go out with you and be happy and try to fix things.

scallopsrgreat · 02/01/2014 16:49

Why is it up to her to organise everything though? Where is the effort from his side?

Can you sit down and talk to him about it once tempers have subsided glad?

Sparkleandshine · 02/01/2014 16:51

I have had a similar thing with DH for a while.... Not taking part in stuff then getting very grumpy when he was left out and/or came somewhere he didn't want to go....

It has taken a LOT of talking to get this 'right' - and some frank discussions about how when I knew I was going somewhere alone with the kids, I would (say) go to Centreparcs as it was easy - if he wants to go somewhere he has to PARTICIPATE, give OPINIONS, help BOOK and GO...

We had many occasions where I would try to do what he wanted, then he wouldn't go and I'd end up stuck with 2 small kids doing something none of us wanted to do...so I started doing my own thing, which he didn't like. or moaned if he did go.

It was fairly depression related. He's much better now, but mostly as he's not depressed...

Original poster
gladxmasisover · 02/01/2014 16:54

inomorecrumbs - He doesnt have any hobbies. I have asked him if there is anything he would like to do but he says "not really".

He was in a job which he hated which he blamed on his moods etc. He changed his job but things are still the same. I've suggested he take up a sport or something else but he never gets around to doing anything about it.

OP posts:
LIZS · 02/01/2014 16:54

You deliberately excluded him and then wonder why he was angry . Maybe it started when he chose not to come along but there is a reason why you are choosing places he wouldn't want to go to and not even suggesting he come along or meet you. . Do you let him take the girls out to where he might prefer ? Find some mutual ground for a trip out and see where that takes you

nomorecrumbs · 02/01/2014 16:58

Agree Sparkleandshine - my DH was like this a few years ago - he was unemployed and demotivated, perhaps even quite depressed, and the idea of organising anything would send him into a panic. He just kind of gave up on doing anything constructiveb until I sat down with him and thrashed it all out with him.

He's a lot more self-aware now and really puts the effort in. Seems a lot happier socially too.

I don't know what other MN'ers will think but I'm quite used to and don't mind doing the bulk of the organising - I think, tentatively, that women sort out most of these kind of family activities anyway. But the men should be participating and enjoying the activities.

nomorecrumbs · 02/01/2014 16:58

What does your DH do in his free time?

Original poster
gladxmasisover · 02/01/2014 16:59

Scallopsrgreat - I will talk to him when we have both calmed down.

Sparkleandshine- H sounds just like your H used to be. I sometimes feel like a single parent!

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 02/01/2014 17:04

I dont get it. You want him to be active with the family over Christmas. This year he has not been, as you have excluded him from the plans, and you are fuming. Yet YOU made plans only for you and the children, and now you complain?

Whats your game?

Martyrdom? Point-scoring?

But you are scared to be alone in case your cancer comes back, you say...
Hmm

Seems to me you are trying to engineer something strange here. You dont want to be the bad guy? Do you want HIM to be the bloke who split up with his wife when she was in remission?

Original poster
gladxmasisover · 02/01/2014 17:05

lizs - I have encouraged him to go places with the girls. He took them xmas shopping to buy me a present. I heard my elder DD asking him to take them.

My elder DD said she can't relax when he is around as he loses his temper easily. She loves him a lot but he can be quite moody.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 02/01/2014 17:08

Basically he wants you to have asked him so he could exercise his right to you down..

If he continually refuses social engagements of course you're going to stop asking him. If he wants to be involved he has to involve himself.

He doesn't really want to do anything with the family does he? The only person who can change his approach to life is him...

As regards your cancer, of course you have a fear of it returning, and sincerely hope it does not. Stress is not good for illness, specifically the immune system, and sticking things out with your husband may not be in the interests of your long term health. So I think you need to make a decision based on what is best for your own wellbeing. Your daughters need their mum more than they need their parents to be together.

Twinklestein · 02/01/2014 17:09

^to turn you down^

Original poster
gladxmasisover · 02/01/2014 17:10

Quientessentialshadows - I'm not scared to be separated from him in case my cancer comes back. I have family. My concern is upsetting the children . They do not want us to split up. They have been through so much already (besides my illness). I could not make things worse for them.

OP posts:
arthriticfingers · 02/01/2014 17:12

glad I think you probably need to come over here
and read the links at the top

nomorecrumbs · 02/01/2014 17:15

OP, correct me if I'm wrong, but from snippets in your post I'm getting the impression that your DD is confiding in you negative things about her father and you're not seemingly defending him or mitigating the situation.

If this is the case, please don't let this issue become a case where the father is seen as the "bad guy". It happened within my family while growing up that my mum would almost seem to encourage me to criticise and damage the relationship between me and my father instead of trying to fix things.

Even if you and your husband don't stay together, please don't make him out to be the "bad guy" in all this in front of your DC.

Loopytiles · 02/01/2014 17:17

What do you mean when you say he's moody and has a temper? Is he generally good to you and the Dcs?

Are your DD's criticisms of him justified? She sounds unhappy.

Does he prioritise family time? Suggest things to do/enjoy together?

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 02/01/2014 17:27

I do love him and he was very supportive of me when I was ill.
That sounds all very positive but the rest of your thread isn't. Sad

If the festive season is some kind of flashpoint, what is he like to live with the rest of the year round? You say it's only with your family and friends he struggles to be sociable. There is something going on here that causes an atmosphere and your eldest has picked up on it.

Not to be insensitive but were things between you and H all right before you fell ill?

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