what do i believe?

[hohoho2014]

A yeae ago i got with a friend and he was a lovely boyfriend he treated me and my daughter wonderfully.
I got pregnant and was in2 minds as i was about to start uni. I gor preg on the pill and for 4 weeks i had to wait.in.limbo as they thought it was ectopix tgey couldnt see anything on scan and i was bleeding. I couldnt take anymore and went ahead with the abortion and felt insanely guilty. I.loce my 2 yeae old very much and the whole thi.g hurt me. My boyf felt.i didnt let himin and he saw messages i sent to a friend saying o didnt tjink he was good enough. I cant explain why i did that as its not true. I eouldnt speak about it but we got o. Withstuff Nd went away whilst my daubhter was with her gran.
I rwally felt we was dealing eith stuff however one nivht he went mentsl when he was srunk and altjo we were drunk i thimk he shoved me so gard i fell.
He says ipushed him. i felt we were botj to blsme so we hot bavk together.
The next incident again hapoened after we werw both hesvily drinking. I sceeamed at him to.leave and he chuckes a glass. He spent tge day texti.g me how worthlessi am and told.me hw was witj another girl.
I coulfbt forget this toime and we finished. We werw in contact u.til he came round screaming and shouting whilst drunk. My daughtee has never been present hoqever i jusr want.a quiet life.
I called the police whp then referrede to dom viplrmce who were indistant on am i.junction.
The pro is i dont want.this. I love him and i.know he doesnt drink.now. He never really did he was just drinking to cope with what happened and our vreakup.
I really love him but cant work.out are we just a couple who fell into a crises.or us he abusive? He is kind patient and loving the rest of the time it has been just thesw occassions . Wwud?

For the sake of your daughter, let go of this man now.

Drunkenness reveals what's inside. Do you want to get together with a person who gets drunk and violent when there are problems?

When all is fine, most people are ok. It's in the difficulties that we sort them. He's shown you how he is.

I'd be thankful he showed his true colours when he did and be glad I had that lucky escape!
Not what you want to hear I'm sure but that is what I would do.
Be grateful you got out and don't look back.

I kind of feel like i need him. I dont have snyone else and he is actually great witj my dauvhter. I know that i would b telling someone else to get away but i just kind of keep thinking if he is sober he is perfwxt for me ?

He isn't perfect sweetheart. He hides his nastiness until the drink brings his mask down and then you get the real him. You can be absolutely certain that if you get back with him things will get a lot worse.

You do have someone else. You have your DD and it's up to you to protect her.
This man is not for you.
Do not let him back into your lives.
We do NOT need a man in our lives to be complete.
As women we are usually very resourceful and man is not a necessity!
Find yourself and find out why you are prepared to put up with this kind of treatment.

The problem is when he's not sober. Do you want to risk it?

Or rather, he has shown you how he is now when he's drunk.

If he gets a foothold in your life and home, it's likely that his nastiness will show up in his daily life too.

why do you think you need him?

why does anyone need a violent man?

The thing is iv broken tge i.junxtion and seen him. My mum regularly verbalky abuses me and tgreatens me. During one of tgese episodws i contacted him as i felt so alone and like a failure. I want my daughter to have a happy life and he has benloveky since. I feel like i am.protected with him. Its messes up cos he is tge personi need yet he is sldo the person who has xaused me pain. Im not dure whuch way to turn. I dont want my daughtwr to be unhapoy or see tjings she shuldnt. He wants to go to vounselling together. I just want it to be ok so i can feel secure for once. He is lessabusive tgan m mum who shouts and screams in fro.t of my dauvhter. I really fwel so alone and pathetic at the moment but i dont hace many places to turn. Deep down im scared he will do it agsin. But a part of me thinks he will change.

I 100% believe he wont drink again he hasnt gor a month and he didnt before. I know i must sound stupid but i just keep thinking well he isnt as bad as my mum. But thats stupid too!! I know.
But surely people change. And i feel to blame too i screamed and shouted. So tgerefore is it abuse or an argument? I cant tell anymore!

" But a part of me thinks he will change."

Then tell that part of you to wake up and smell the coffee. Several women die each week in the UK at the hands of abusive partners and I bet most of those were gambling he'd change. Sorry that your model for 'love' was an abusive, threatening mother but it would be a shame to fall into the trap of replacing her with an abusive, threatening man. Your DD will grow up thinking he's normal..... and he's appalling.

"But surely people change"

Some do but what you DON'T do is stick around while they decide whether or not they're going to reform. You get yourself away and safe and you protect your DD. If it is discovered that you're back with him, you're at real risk of SS taking your DD into care for her own safety. I'd hate that to happen.

"So tgerefore is it abuse or an argument?"

The police put an injunction in place. Whatever you did or said, the police say he's a criminal. It's not your decision, the decision has been made already.

He hasnt been aroumd my daughter or in my house i met him in a park. I would never put my baby at risk.
I suppose this just confirms what i know seep down thar i must keep away its just harder than i thought.
I went aheas with the injunctiom cos i was angry and scared. The police suggestes it it but i put it in.placce the did not.
I suppose im just asking if anyone has been in the same position where someone had turned their life around!

Btw he was nevee arreasted aa tge police said he never committes a crime! Thats why i wonder is it me too?

I never thought i would b prepared to put up with this. Thats why im so confused!

You really must keep away if you want to keep your DD. SS aren't interested that you met him in a park or that he's not around your DD. That you're breaching injunctions and meeting him means they'll assume he's part of your life and your DD is therefore in danger. So don't play with that particular fire or you'll seriously regret it.

You're looking for someone to say he'll turn it around, their abusive partner did it, went on anger management courses, and all lived happily ever after..... Don't be a fool

You need to get rid of the toxic people in your life. Your mum and this man.

Some counselling to improve your self esteem might be useful.

" tge police said he never committes a crime!"

They don't slap injunctions on people for no reason. Walk away from this man and don't look back. Would strongly recommend you contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 as they are very experienced in helping female survivors of abusive relationships. There is a thing called the Freedom Programme, for example, that might help you understand how an abusive childhood can skew your judgement on what constitutes 'love'

Thamks iv called wa loads but they never get back to m
e.

Keep trying. Better to be persistent with WA than to waste so much as a text on your ex.

Yes, please listen to Cogito, please keep persevering with WA, that's a much better use of your time than meeting or thinking about this violent man.

You don't need him, however much you may think you do.

I think you probably need quite intensive counselling as the inadequate parenting you experienced has completely skewed your perceptions of wht a relationship should be. It's natural that when your mother is so awful, it leaves you feeling that he's not so bad after all and you feel like you're getting the emotional support you don't get from her; but it's an illusion, you're not getting emotional support from either of them and he in particular is capable of wreaking an enormous amount of havoc on your life and on that of your DD. Deal with the short term problem of dumping him first, then you can deal with the long term problem of your mother.

Thank u. Iv just called social services and told her everything. Im going to make the break from both of these people. Im very scared but i cant risk my child.
I have the i.junctiom hearing next week and im jusr shitting myself. Does abyone know if i hace to go? X

Who advised you of the injunction hearing? The police? I'd suggest you talk to your social worker and ask their advice.

no the solicitor. im going to havw to just brave all this but i hatw it all