Excessively controlling MIL is insisting on a family holiday - can I lie to get out of it??

[thechocolatemonster]

My over-controlling MIL is endlessly trying to take over my family life. This weekend SIL came to stay and threw this into the conversation, "Mum has booked a villa for us all in Italy for next summer. I really hope you're going to make it"!! (SIL is often the emissary for the MIL's wishes...)

This puts so much pressure on my family life. DH & I haven't even talked about next summer. Now we're going to be pressured into going away with on a family holiday we don't want with people I'd rather not spend time with. Guilt is used a lot - i.e. if we actually said we didn't want to go - the money would be brought up as well as our selfishness etc etc. A lot of this comes through DH and very little is said explicitly to me.

Before MIL mentions this summer holiday - would it be wrong to announce that a) My Mum is taking us all away next year or b) We've won a two-week summer holiday in the US for next year (parents in law don't fly) or c) We've been invited to a wedding in Australia and will probably take a month's holiday there. These plans would fall through at the last minute (obviously).

I know this all sounds desperate and ridiculous - but it's so difficult to counteract a bullying MIL who only hints at things to me and then verbally bullies my OH.

I sympathise. Personally I'd think nothing of telling porkies to get out of it but maybe that's just me! Or, perhaps more constructively can you get your DH to put his foot down at this arrangement making on your behalf?

I wouldn't make up a story, she might just change the dates!

Are they paying? Or expecting you to? If its the first its more difficult to refuse, but its the latter, you can just say that you can't afford it and you're going camping.

tell haer your really allergic to mosquitos and going to italy will be horredous for you

iam and i spent three weeks covered in huge lumps with my arms and legs swolllen and it made me miserable

Smile and say
'We haven't decided what we're doing next year,but will let you konw'

When the time comes,tell her calmy that you're not going and why-face to face.

Don't lie,make excuses or evade an encounter.It will only make her worse.

agree, don't lie, it will come back to haunt you!

I would get your dh to tell her straight away that you have heard from SIL that there are plans for you all to go away next summer. Unfortunately, you cannot commit yourselves to something that is happening so far ahead. If they are worried about the cost of the villa, they still have time to "downsize" and save money.

If you leave it too long to decide, they will "assume" that you are going, then get all upset about the cost, so do it ASAP.

I see what you're saying Moondog - but the clever thing about MIL's plan is that she offers it as a gift. "We'd like to take you away, all expenses paid" etc etc. When people do turn her 'generous offers' down, she exclaims how rude it is to reject a well meaning gift. (Although she wouldn't do it to my face.)
If I actually said, We'll let you know - that would be the most heinous crime. In her mind I'd be saying, If nothing better comes along then we'll come. Another perfect reason for her to be the victim and follow the passive-agressive route.

good point moondog.
We went away with the ILs when DS1 (and his cousin) was about 6m old and it didn't work at all.
MIL asked us the next year and DH got us out of it - I can't remember now what he said TBH (I was very pregnant with DS2 - think we used that to get out of it), they asked us again the next year and the next and this year, they didn't ask us so I think they've got the message now.
DON'T GO chocolatemonster if you don't want to - be assertive (or get your DH to be )

TCM,well it was my mother who taught me never to commit to anything you are not sure you can follow through.
She is a firm believer in the 'smile pleasantly,and repeat original comment ad infinitum' school of thought.

If MIL wants to see the kids,that might be good though???You and dh may get some time off together alone???
Or...politely refuse a long holiday but suggest a long w/end??

Hi Tissy - thanks for the message. The thing about telling my MIL that we can't committ at this stage is that it just defers the problem. MIL takes that as a tacit 'yes'. Basically if we can't say no - then she assumes that she'll get her way and it will be a 'yes'. This is exactly the route that we took once before. Time goes by, MIL keeps asking if we can committ yet, and again and again and again. Until in the end we can't say - actually we've been invited to something else - sorry.
Unless I can find a concrete reason to say no - then it becomes a yoke around my neck and every time she calls or we meet I'm nagged to make a decision!

Sorry to sound so gloomy - but the whole thing is like a massive burden and I've been in similar situations so many times not with the MIL.

I know it's difficult chocolatemonster, but I really do agree with moondog. There'll be fallout whatever you do. Best to be honest and politely but firmly say that for you, holiday time is precious family time for you, dh/p and the child(ren). It was a nice thought but she should not hav gone to that expense withoit checking with you first.

(btw, I speak from experience, have the parents from hell)

Moondog - I think you've got a good point with your comments.

We did take the kids (both under three) on holiday once before with MIL. OH & I were getting up at 6.30/7am (a normal time when you've got young kids). The rest of the family would sleep until 10 or 11am. We'd have breakfast when we got up and want to have lunch with the kids around midday (all normal in my mind). However the rest of the family would get up and have their late breakfast all sitting round the family table - cooking each other bacon and eggs - casting funny looks our way as if we were offish.

Then at 2pm (just when we'd finally got the kids to sleep for their lunchtime nap) they'd start setting out lunch and insist that we join them so any chance of lying by the pool or having a read or just having a holiday was impossible. By the time lunch was over and we'd done the washing up, clearing away etc (what's wrong with a sandwich??) the kids would be awake and any time to relax would be gone.

It was from start to finish a nightmare... No offer of help whatsoever.

I don't have a mother in law. So its easy for me to say this. Just say no thank you, what a lovely gesture and thank you for inviting us but we have planned to go away on our own next year as we have such few opportunities to spend time together as a family. And just brazen out the flak.

TCM, I'd say this is resolutely Not Your Problem. Your DH should be dealing with this. If you, as a family, don't want to go on the holiday, he needs to work out a polite (but firm) way to make this clear to your MIL.

And frankly, if your MIL is giving your DH guilt trips about things, your DH should be trying to keep that to himself. You don't need to know that sort of thing, do you?

You're a grown woman.
Take control!

Put it this way,it's perhaps an evening (maybe less) of feeling uncomfortable having told her 'no' compared to a week (or two) of feeling pissed off because you are somewhere you don't want to be.

Take yer pick.

Mazzystar - I know you're right. But the flak is so huge. Not outright comments - but being left out of things and always being made to feel like the ungrateful black sheep of the family. It's just bullying really - we haven't conformed to somebody else's wishes and MIL is going to find a way to make things uncomfortable for us.

Moondog - I know you're trying to be helpful but it's not just one uncomfortable evening - once MIL's wishes haven't been met she makes things as awkward as possible.

That is her problem,not yours!!!!!!

..and if she is that weird,then frankly it's even more of a reason not to join her en vacances....

You were planning on travelling to Scandinavia next summer because you can't cope with the heat?

What does dh think about it all?

Hmm, I'm not seeing why being "left out of things" is a problem, if she's so unpleasant.

My policy towards my parents, when they were difficult, was to avoid them. If you're being a pain, well, then, ok, I won't call you. I wouldn't stop talking to them outright, but I just wouldn't reward bad behaviour with more attention ... much like dealing with kids, frankly.

NotQuiteCockney - thanks for your comments. Do you really think it's the OH's problem?

Perhaps that's the route I should go. I haven't even mentioned this whole thing to him yet as I know it will spark off an argument - and I'm not prepared to let MIL get under the skin of our relationship any more - it's happened so many times in the past like that.

Because the OH's family life is so different to mine I just don't know if I should leave him to get on with it and sort it out.

TCM - I know all about family flak - you have to rise above it. if you do what they want now at the expense of your own wishes it perpetuates the status quo and the next 'generous gift' becomes more difficult to refuse.
If it would help you to think about it like this: it's not just a gift frm your MIL, it's also a 'take' - she is taking your family holiday time to have you around her when it pleases her and know (albeit subconsciously) that she continues to be in control.
From your description of your last holiday with the family, it really would not be wise to do it again. It would not be a 'holiday' for you in any true sense of the word and would lead to resentment - which has a nasty habit of building and then blowing up.

OH??

Who he/she??

Could you have a holiday on your own (just your little family I mean) and arrange to drop by and visit them for 2 days at their villa? Bit of a pain but shows you're making an effort.