Excessively controlling MIL is insisting on a family holiday - can I lie to get out of it??

[thechocolatemonster]

My over-controlling MIL is endlessly trying to take over my family life. This weekend SIL came to stay and threw this into the conversation, "Mum has booked a villa for us all in Italy for next summer. I really hope you're going to make it"!! (SIL is often the emissary for the MIL's wishes...)

This puts so much pressure on my family life. DH & I haven't even talked about next summer. Now we're going to be pressured into going away with on a family holiday we don't want with people I'd rather not spend time with. Guilt is used a lot - i.e. if we actually said we didn't want to go - the money would be brought up as well as our selfishness etc etc. A lot of this comes through DH and very little is said explicitly to me.

Before MIL mentions this summer holiday - would it be wrong to announce that a) My Mum is taking us all away next year or b) We've won a two-week summer holiday in the US for next year (parents in law don't fly) or c) We've been invited to a wedding in Australia and will probably take a month's holiday there. These plans would fall through at the last minute (obviously).

I know this all sounds desperate and ridiculous - but it's so difficult to counteract a bullying MIL who only hints at things to me and then verbally bullies my OH.

other half, moondog.

NQC - I see the in-laws as little as possible and have a very distant relationship with them. They often mention how I'm a 'career woman' - they mean this as a slur - but I just find it very funny.

I suppose that I just find it difficult to be disapproved of when I think my behaviour is quite normal and polite - but as Moondog has said - that's MIL's problem really.

monster, you and your dh need to do some real work as to how you as a team are going to deal with your dmil, now and in the future. if you dont sort this it will fester and rot and will cause real problems between you and dh.... i speak as one who knows! you need an agreed plan.

Sounds also as if she's the divide-and-conquer type - SIL gets used as messenger, you get one response, dh gets another.

To get to change the root dynamic, there is I think only one thing to do, which is almost the hardest of all: which is for a demonstration of total solidarity. So you and dh (having planned it like a military encounter beforehand, with all of your "what if she says x" script sorted out, so that you and dh are a totally united force) sit down face to face with her and do a face the music: say you've heard about the villa plan; that it's a pity she didn't check with you before booking; that you will not be joining in. She will say stuff like "if I hadn't booked it now it wouldn't have been available" and make you feel as if your timing somehow forces her to lose out - that's the sort of ambushing thing you'll have to work out on the spot answers for. You might also decide on what sort of compromises you can offer - that you'd like to do something with them that you can organise, eg - so that the new dynamic you're offering is not just a negative one.

Dh and I and our many many siblings and siblings-in-law have managed to work out a deal with our PILs - which is, eg, that nobody is allowed to even mention Christmas until the August Bank Holiday. But we only have to deal with over-enthusiastic controllingness, not bullying controllingness - which is grim. Sympathies.

foundintranslation - it sounds like you've got some insight into this type of thing.

Because situations/relationships creep up on you - the status quo has become set - you're quite right - and now I find it increasingly difficult to escape from all of these 'kind offers'.

If I try to put up any kind of rationale as to why I want to have a holiday with OH and the kids then all my 'reasons' are undermined. How do I counteract this?

Bink - (LOL) - Christmas - that was planned by new year! And yes - we're going to MIL's. You're right we need some solidarity - I will work on it.

Sounds like you've dealt with a similar character!

Thanks for all the advice for now - I'm logging off for a while but will check back later!

TCM this situation is obviously worrying you. Would dh support any decision you would make?

You can always tell her that you cannot commit to anything that far in advance as after all kids can get ill etc. and also you do not appreciate being told through SIL that things have already been decided without even asking you.

Especially after your description of the last joint holiday and you not receiving any help with the kids.

I think you might have to bite the bullet and just say no to her. If she then chooses to be awful you can just tell her that she can either behave or she doesn't get to see her grand children. Easier said than done I'm sure

You don't have to let them be undermined, tcm. Your reasons for wanting time with your partner and children don't have to be justified to anyone else (and tbh only controlling loons would ask you to justify them). Do it moondog's mother's way - smile and repeat. Add, yes, it's a very kind offer and we do appreciate it but we do wish you had checked with us first.
Then metaphorically batten down the hatches and weather the storm.

TCM, our family deal is, any difficult issues with my family are my job to sort. Any difficult issues with DH's family are his job to sort. We each understand our own families best. Also, this doesn't create extra friction between people and their in-laws.

I used to wimp out, with an ex, and get him to say "we're not coming on holiday with you" to my family, but that just meant my family hated him. Not a good plan.

choc, I think the first step is to discuss with your husband, and arrive at a united position with him. It is his family, and he should be able to do a bit of mediating, it shouldn't have to be just you having to take the decision and then be seen as the baddie.

With husband on your side and both agreeing what you want, it should come out ok.

I definitely think it's better to do this and be as firm and honest as possible, as otherwise you're drawn into playing the same passive aggressive game as your MIL..

I also think that, if you've tried it before, and it didn't work, then honesty about that might be the way forward.

What you said in that post about your last holiday - about it not working out because of routine etc - why not tell her that to her face. Say it obviously didn't work for her, and frankly it wasn't a very relaxing holiday for you, so perhaps it would be better if you didn't holiday together.

But agree with everyone else, it's not only your problem, DH has to help out - but you do have to face it off directly for it to go away.

believe me, if you really don't want to go, DONT.

I speak from bitter experience

Actually, despite my initially immature response (!) I agree with those saying best to be honest.

I'm in a similar(ish) situation in that my in laws just expect us to go to their's for Christmas and for years I have resentfully gone along with it. It's always awful (misogynist FIL from hell) and last year was the last straw so I've told DH that I think it's time we had christmas on our own this year.

She can't MAKE you feel bad, I reckon you can stick to your guns and brazen it out.

I agree with Enid and it was my mother who arranged our family holiday last year. Her my family and my brother + pregnant gf. Nightmare from start to finish - had to have another holiday to get over the holiday from hell. Never ever again.

Ever.

or d) I'll be poking my eyes out with a stick next summer so wont manage Im afraid!
OMG course you can say no. I would and wouldnt give a stuff about offending MIL/FIL - after all they get great delight in offending me on a daily basis.

I have suffered plenty of horrendous family holidays that I have been bullied into. NEVER again. I have recently upset my mum by finally admitting face to face that I do not want to have another week of hell with the entire family as I dislike one of my siblings and their family..Bad fallout but they will have to cope with the truth. Feel a lot happier for admitting it, was very careful how and when I told her, explained that it was to avoid a family bust up and didn?t want to upset my parent?s break etc etc. They are coming to terms with it and have not mentioned it again Hallelujah!!
Also, will never ever again stay with my mil as she is very difficult to spend more than an hour or so with. Have siad that we are very happy to visit but next time will hire a villa near them so that they can have their "quiet time" and not have to cater for us all. Again, they were a little put out but explained that they needed their space as much as we did and we would all have a nicer time with these arrangements...

I think you should wait until mil mentions it and then tell here how generous her offer is but that you wish she had consulted you all before booking as there are lots of things to take into consideration such as time off work for DH and your own family plans, let alone plans with your side of the family. Don?t agree to anything that you and your children are unlikely to enjoy. It is not fair on them or you. Be brave.
How does your Dh feel? If he feels the same way as you, would it be better coming from him than you?

I agree with all those saying that your dh needs to speak-up.

I have just had to sit on my hands and bite my tongue to get dh to stand-up to his bullying father. It was awful and I felt very unsupportive of my dh but it had to be done. In the end, he phoned his parents and said 'we won't be attending X event as it will be too difficult for us'. Doesn't sound hard but it really wound my dh up in knots to do it.

Previously, I would have moaned like buggary and then capitulated in the end and 'enjoyed' another weekend of hell. Now I won't ever have to do it ever again! My dh is already talking happily about flying up country with the kids by himself to visit the bastard-in-law when it actually suits him rather than being forced into an 'extravaganza' that suits my FIL's need for worship.

You have to live your life on terms that you can stomach otherwise the strongest personality gets every little thing their own way.

I recommend your dh phoning up and saying...'just heard that you are planning for us to come with you next year on holiday. Sorry but we want to have a family holiday by ourselves. Thanks for the offer though.'

Job done.

If you really don't want to go, tell her directly. If she mentions money or selfishness, point out that you never asked her to book your places on the holiday. Tell her it's a lovely gesture but you'd much rather she consulted you on such big issues in the future.

If she gets snotty remind her that you're old enough to control your own life, thank you.

Go along with what HappyDaddy says - tell the truth. It's your life and she has no right to control your free time with Dh and the children.

If I were in your position I would say that dh only gets so much holiday and that in that time you need to spend it together as a family and not in an extended unit where you don't get to spend some quality time with the kids and having a good relax. (Sounds reasonable enough to me.)
I'd explain how you'd have happily told her if she'd only consulted you first about her idea and then, as someone else suggested, offer the chance of them spending some time with you, maybe over a bank holiday weekend at some point next year if that's the reason why she was planning this holiday in the first place.

All good advice - thanks for so much of it.

In the past I have left these sorts of things up to DH and he manages to go 50% of the way in actually speaking up (MIL really is an amazing bully). But because of DH's nature he takes a really softly softly approach and it takes literally months to tell her what he thinks about things. I prefer to get things done and dusted - but as the questions are never put to me individually it's really difficult to pipe up.

You're all right that I should be honest - but during the holiday from hell that we were subjected to a few years ago we never said that we'd had a thoroughly miserable time. If we so much hint at that now - MIL will be in floods of tears, offended etc etc.

The reality is that DH & I do need some family time - what couple with young children doesn't? But I'm made to feel so guilty and selfish about my needs and wants.

Thanks so much for all the advice - if anybody has a magic pill to make me a braver bolder person - then please let me know!!

CM - look at it this way, if you DON'T tell the truth it will go on and on....better the pain/upset now than this dragging on and you finally exploding in spectacular fashion

It sounds like ti will be really hard for you to have this conversation - and maybe you feel that avoiding that and putting up with the holiday (or the fallout from lying to her) would be preferable. But I really think in the longterm you will all be happier if you can be gently honest now.
Thank her so much for the offer but decline firmly. The reason being you really need time as a family on your own. She may well argue with that but as long as you are firm and keep repeating it she will have to accept it - whether she likes it or not. Any fall out afterwards may be a pain but at least you'll know that you are in the right as you did not resort to lying about fictional holidays.
Let us know how you get on.

Cupcakes - you're right - I just need to be honest and firm.

I will report back when I've talked to her!