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Original poster

dp being difficult

42 replies

harrasseddotcom · 01/01/2014 23:11

Bit of background, dp and I been together 8 years have two dc. Last few years have been difficult and I am seriously thinking of ending it and would appreciate others opinions. One of our main contentions is his lack of social life. When we got together he didn't really have any friends and over 8 years hasnt acquired any. Have tried to integrate him into my social circle (i.e. we would go as a couple on nights out) but in his own words "he just didn't have anything in common with my friends or their dps." He thinks that if I went out drinking with him only to the pubs he would make friends that way. Im dubious but am trying to go out more with him (we occassionally went out to cinema/meals before) but its not easy arranging babysitters/finance. Plus on the occassions I have went out with him solely we end up not speaking to anyone unless we bump into my friends but then I feel like he is being left out as he doesn't really integrate. I have suggested he take up a hobby but he just argues that we dont have the money, which is partly true but as long as it wasn't anything outrageously expensive then I would just cut back on other non essentials. The knock on effect is that it is now an argument whenever i go to see my friends which is now rarely ever. I work with one of my friends a couple of times a month so this is now when i see her, and tbh have pretty much lost contact with all my other friends thru lack of contact. His answer is now i know how he feels.

Money is the other issue. We are neither rich or poor in that we make enough to pay the bills and the odd wee bit left .But I am responsible for all the family finance and planning. I have asked him to play more of a role but he claims he doesn't know the passwords etc despite me telling him these. He insisted that he wanted to have an account that i didn't have access to so I compromised and didn't 'look' after his single account. In the first month he ran up £100 worth of bank charges which i only found out about when I was opening the mail (I also have to deal with all mail). I dont mind doing this if it means everything like mortgage and bills are getting paid on time.

It doesnt help that atm I am very busy with work and uni. I am working 2 jobs and studying part time, in my last year of my degree and I do realise that I am away two nights a week (uni) and usually one or two Friday/Saturday nights a month (work). This is just temporary, uni finishes next year and hopefully wont have to work occassional weekends much longer (but we need the money atm). There was a time maybe 2/3 years ago he was working quite a lot but I just just picked up the slack at home as he had the work and thats just the way it was but now its me thats away from home more with work and uni it is causing nothing but trouble and arguments. Dp has referred to me working the odd weekend night as me 'getting out' (its waitress work for a friend so its hard slog compared to my cushy day job :D) while he is left to 'rot' at home or the one that really fucks me off, he is left 'babysitting' while i go out (to work).

TBH i think i just need to vent as just had a really bad arguement over dsis hen night. Dsis is getting married, im bridesmaid. There has been general talk about a hen night in Newcastle/Ireland/Edinburgh, nothing set in stone although I have looked into it vaguely online. I did let him know a while back that there would be hen night of some sort but dsis mentioned about hen night in Newcastle and he overheard and hit the roof because i hadn't told him. Tried to tell him nothings been arranged, its not for months yet but he is furious, threw and smashed a glass over our lounge and walked out. Im not sure where to go from here.

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 01/01/2014 23:15

What exactly are the good bits of this relationship?

manaboutthemaison · 01/01/2014 23:16

The guy sounds like a real fun hoover, and you stay with him because ???????

Original poster
harrasseddotcom · 01/01/2014 23:20

He is a good father, we have a lovely home, children are settled. When we met he was funny, quite laid back and I do love him but he has changed and these issues are making it difficult.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 01/01/2014 23:22

God, he sounds awful! He leaves all the hard bits to you and then complains endlessly.

It's not hard as an outsider to see why he doesn't have many friends. He sounds very difficult to get on with.

Does he go out to work? How old are your DC?

Could you manage financially on your own?

notoneforselfies · 01/01/2014 23:27

So you're staying with him mainly for the children? (And the lovely home?)Hmm. That's not a winning endorsement for him or your future relationship...and really not the best thing for your children. Sorry OP, this all sounds like quite a miserable existence for you.

MadBusLady · 01/01/2014 23:29

He smashed a glass because you were invited to your sister's hen night?

Is that the first time that he's done anything like that? I.e. has all his complaining about you socialising been verbal so far?

On the face of it, sounds like he's trying to isolate you and will up the ante until he gets his way.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2014 23:30

When he met you had you responded to a small ad saying 'Wanted: personal slave willing to forget all ambitions of independence and sit home with a miserable bastard 24/7'

Original poster
harrasseddotcom · 01/01/2014 23:31

Yes he does work, very hard in a manual job that he hates but it is well paid so he is kinda stuck there at the moment until im in a better paid job (hence uni degree).

I imagine I would just have to manage financially on my own as I assume i would get tax credits but it would be a struggle and the thought of moving the children (both school age) into most likely a shitty flat surrounded by druggies scares the life out of me. (i live in a small town, that would be my options). Yh i am attached to my lovely home, i lived for years in a council flat (which in itself was lovely) but surrounded by druggies and listening to dv through the walls, im not wanting to go back to that or have my dc living like that.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2014 23:35

Or..... you could get some proper legal, financial, accommodation, & benefits advice (quite a lot available for students with dependents) and see what the reality is rather than assuming you'd end up in some kind of Oliver Twist slum. :)

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 01/01/2014 23:36

ahh well, i was going to have a different take on this, i was going to say

you have your social life - leave him to do whatever, I don't really see why he should be forced to make friends with people if he wants to sit at home and watch telly or whatever

I was also going to say that i think your having control over the finances is a good thing, you never know whats going to happen in life and i think its probably for the best he doesn't know passwords etc

but then you slipped in at the end that he threw and smashed a glass - and i think wtf? does he frequently have violent outbursts?

PiperChapman · 01/01/2014 23:38

It sounds like you don't want to change anything ( as per your last paragraph ) so just stick to venting on here and putting up with his behaviour.

I'm not sure how settled your children will remain though if their father is throwing glasses around

Tryharder · 01/01/2014 23:44

I wouldn't leave the father of my children because of differences in our social life.

Original poster
harrasseddotcom · 01/01/2014 23:46

im a part time student but so not entitled to any student benefits other than my fees getting paid. Id just have my wages and tax credits. So id either be looking at social housing (which the flats are usually ok but id be at the bottom of the pile so looking at the shitty areas) and 90% of private rents where i live now require tenant to earn £20,000 a year which i dont. The other 10% are mostly ex councils in the shit areas charging extortionate rents. Tbf private rents are about the same as my mortgage!

Custardo that would be great if he was content to sit at home and watch telly but he has made it clear he is not. But im not sure how to create a social life for him. Ive always found it easy to make friends, is it different for guys? I dont get the going to the pub to make friends?

OP posts:
Original poster
harrasseddotcom · 01/01/2014 23:48

I dont want to leave him, I just want us to be happy together.

OP posts:
Tryharder · 01/01/2014 23:49

Sorry posted too soon.

I think you have niggles rather than problems.

I wouldn't leave and disrupt my children's lives.

The social life problem is a non starter. If he doesn't want to socialise, don't make him.

He sounds quite stressed as do you.

The glass throwing isn't great but presumably is a one off.

FreakinAllAboutSugar · 01/01/2014 23:51

Even assuming that if you left, your only accommodation would be council estate hell as described, better that you and DC only hear DV through a wall than witness it firsthand at home.

Sorry if that sounds flippant, but IME the explosive rage, storming out and breaking inanimate objects will only escalate until you are in the firing line. And ANYTHING is better that sticking around for that.

MadBusLady · 01/01/2014 23:52

No, I think he's just making the pub thing up, it makes no sense. I don't think he really wants to make friends at all, he just wants you not to have any so that you can be as miserable as him. That seems the simplest explanation.

Original poster
harrasseddotcom · 01/01/2014 23:53

The glass throwing thing is a one off, he is on the first day of giving up smoking so i guess that has probably contributed to this outburst.

I dont make his socialise, he wants to have friends but blames me not going out with him to the pubs regularly as the reason why he cant make any. (For the record Im not out on girl nights out every weekend, last year I can count on one hand how many nights out I had!). But I can go to my friends for a cuppy although im kind of trying not to do that as between work and uni he wasn't happy at the amount of time I was away from the house.

OP posts:
FlatFacedArmy · 01/01/2014 23:56

I think manaboutthemaison's "fun hoover" just about sums him up.

So he wants friends but doesn't have any? And this is somehow your fault because he wants to make them in a specific location (the pub) and needs you to be there to make them for him? But doesn't like or gel with any of the friends you've already made and has isolated you from them and refuses to make even a basic effort to participate. And refuses to take up outside interests where he could meet people he DOES have more in common with.

You can't take on the burden of him having no friends, even if he is trying to make it your responsibility. It's not. Go enjoy your own social life.

He's an Eeyore, sitting with his tail in the stream and complaining that he's getting wet and cold. But he's not going to move from that position because it's more comfortable than doing anything about it. Don't let him drag you down too, you know how misery loves company...

Original poster
harrasseddotcom · 01/01/2014 23:56

In 8 years other than having cross words with each other and this glass throwing incident, there has been no dv towards me or the children. I dont think he is going to be physically violent with me (well 99.9999999% anyway) and the first instance he or any man did they would be out on their ass.

OP posts:
FlatFacedArmy · 01/01/2014 23:59

I x-posted with lots of people, but MadBusLady put it very succinctly.

Original poster
harrasseddotcom · 02/01/2014 00:01

FFA You have summed it up quite well. But I dont think I would want to leave him over this, I do love him as a partner and a father. Its rather a shitty predicament that i find myself in.

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 02/01/2014 00:02

I liked the Eeyore analogy! Except Eeyore is far more endearing than this guy sounds.

Maybe I'm too cynical to say he's making it up. I just can't imagine why anyone would go to the pub in a couple thinking it would enable them to make friends. It seems like deliberately setting yourself up to fail. In a group or on your own, yes, but I'd never assume a couple would be up for chatting to randoms.

Original poster
harrasseddotcom · 02/01/2014 00:03

Aaargh I dont bloody know, when he threw the glass that really bad and I dont want to stand for that kind of childish behaviour, on the other hand, like i say i do love him.

OP posts:
FlatFacedArmy · 02/01/2014 00:05

I didn't say to LTB, but I think you're going to have to detach a bit. Don't take responsibility for his lack of a social life. If he starts moaning about it say brightly "Oh, that's a shame!" and change the subject.

No pity, no sympathy, no handholding, no offers to sit and stay in and listen to him moan about you not going down the pub with him. Disengage from his problem, because as much as he'd like to make it yours, he is the only one who can do anything about it so you might as well save yourself the emotional energy.