dp being difficult

[harrasseddotcom]

Bit of background, dp and I been together 8 years have two dc. Last few years have been difficult and I am seriously thinking of ending it and would appreciate others opinions. One of our main contentions is his lack of social life. When we got together he didn't really have any friends and over 8 years hasnt acquired any. Have tried to integrate him into my social circle (i.e. we would go as a couple on nights out) but in his own words "he just didn't have anything in common with my friends or their dps." He thinks that if I went out drinking with him only to the pubs he would make friends that way. Im dubious but am trying to go out more with him (we occassionally went out to cinema/meals before) but its not easy arranging babysitters/finance. Plus on the occassions I have went out with him solely we end up not speaking to anyone unless we bump into my friends but then I feel like he is being left out as he doesn't really integrate. I have suggested he take up a hobby but he just argues that we dont have the money, which is partly true but as long as it wasn't anything outrageously expensive then I would just cut back on other non essentials. The knock on effect is that it is now an argument whenever i go to see my friends which is now rarely ever. I work with one of my friends a couple of times a month so this is now when i see her, and tbh have pretty much lost contact with all my other friends thru lack of contact. His answer is now i know how he feels.

Money is the other issue. We are neither rich or poor in that we make enough to pay the bills and the odd wee bit left .But I am responsible for all the family finance and planning. I have asked him to play more of a role but he claims he doesn't know the passwords etc despite me telling him these. He insisted that he wanted to have an account that i didn't have access to so I compromised and didn't 'look' after his single account. In the first month he ran up £100 worth of bank charges which i only found out about when I was opening the mail (I also have to deal with all mail). I dont mind doing this if it means everything like mortgage and bills are getting paid on time.

It doesnt help that atm I am very busy with work and uni. I am working 2 jobs and studying part time, in my last year of my degree and I do realise that I am away two nights a week (uni) and usually one or two Friday/Saturday nights a month (work). This is just temporary, uni finishes next year and hopefully wont have to work occassional weekends much longer (but we need the money atm). There was a time maybe 2/3 years ago he was working quite a lot but I just just picked up the slack at home as he had the work and thats just the way it was but now its me thats away from home more with work and uni it is causing nothing but trouble and arguments. Dp has referred to me working the odd weekend night as me 'getting out' (its waitress work for a friend so its hard slog compared to my cushy day job :D) while he is left to 'rot' at home or the one that really fucks me off, he is left 'babysitting' while i go out (to work).

TBH i think i just need to vent as just had a really bad arguement over dsis hen night. Dsis is getting married, im bridesmaid. There has been general talk about a hen night in Newcastle/Ireland/Edinburgh, nothing set in stone although I have looked into it vaguely online. I did let him know a while back that there would be hen night of some sort but dsis mentioned about hen night in Newcastle and he overheard and hit the roof because i hadn't told him. Tried to tell him nothings been arranged, its not for months yet but he is furious, threw and smashed a glass over our lounge and walked out. Im not sure where to go from here.

Will he come back and apologise, do you suppose?

Unless he backs down, I don't really see where you go. It's your sister's hen night. It hasn't even been planned yet. What are you supposed to do?? Give him a blanket assurance that you won't go, no matter what?

I just can't imagine why anyone would go to the pub in a couple thinking it would enable them to make friends. It seems like deliberately setting yourself up to fail. In a group or on your own, yes, but I'd never assume a couple would be up for chatting to randoms. This is exactly what i think. Im not really one for going on a pub crawl just as a couple, thats a thing i would do with my friends and dp as a group. With dp alone id rather go out for a meal, or catch a movie, or even just for quiet drinks down the local rather than a full out bender from pub to pub. But then i think im being negative towards him for thinking this.

you need to spell it out

making friends is his responsability not yours

tell him

if you really want to do something as a couple - it needs to be something hobbyish - i can't think of anything off hand - i dunno, tennis erm...bowls erm....nightclass?

Do you ever spend time together discussing how you can support each other through life.
I'm not sure me and dh would be singing from the same hymn sheet with all that going on.
Your OP has given me a headache.
You both seem at the end of your tether wanting the other person to not be doing what they are, but something different.
You need to talk to each other about what you want to do, either together or separately

i have actually said that in black and white to him but he truely believes that me going to the pub with him is going to help him make friends. I would love to take up a hobby with him but it is difficult due to children/work/uni commitments although i have suggested he could take one up himself (so i could be at home with the kids) but obviously it would have to fit in around work, at which point he said it was pointless. Im not sure what hobby he could take up neither, trust me I have thought about this extensively :)

I'm afraid I think MadBusLady is right. It doesn't make sense that he can only make friends by taking his wife to the pub. He should go to the pub alone on a night there's a pool tournament or some game on tv if that's where he wants to make friends. Or yes a hobby ffs.

I don't mean this as a kitchen-counter diagnosis but it sounds from your OP like he is depressed. Do you think he is? If so, can you tell him "look, enough of this, you need to think about what changes would make you happy and then talk to me about how we can make those changes for you." Don't be put off by any "blah blah my job sucks and you won't go to the pub" crap.

My DH has a tough job and sometimes it gets him down but he just gets on with making his home time enjoyable: we work together and separately on having a great life despite his work situation being far from ideal. We do this deliberately, b/c I refuse to not have a happy life. If DH wanted to get a different job or retrain, I would support him 100%, and if there were things he didn't like about our home life, I would be glad to find ways to change them. He would say the same to me. But I won't engage in long-term low-level depressive sulking myself, and I won't put up with it from him. Don't you let him get away with that OP.

having a family is not the easiest thing in the world and you having to juggle uni/work & family can all get very stressful. maybe your partner feels negative about himself because he's not the breadwinner. let him know that you love him and you are both doing all your best to build and support your family and plans for the future. good luck. as long as he loves you and the kids then things will brighter.

MTCC we do talk and he has made it clear that he thinks me working the second job and uni was too much to take on. In a way he is right, im tired a lot of the time, but (a) we need the money to pay bills atm and (b) im not keen to give up uni when i only have a year left. I am a bit harsh in that i think he needs to suck it up a bit and deal with the house and children in my absence. Were this a long term arrangement id agree it wasn't acceptable but its not (imo) so we should be working together to get through it which was what we did previously when he was working longer hours.

Is he perhaps muddling up "soap-land," where people who already know each other sit and argue socialise together in the Rovers/Vic, with erm, you know, Real Life (where we sit in our own houses and watch telly).

KP thanks for that, i do wonder if he has some sort of depression. I know he hates his job, and he did spent a substantial amount of money retraining for another job but it meant a large drop in pay and it isn't feasible at the time or right now (new house and is why im studying for a better job). This other role would have taken him away from home for lengthy spells at a time, but i accepted that and supported/encouraged him 110%. if there were things he didn't like about our home life, I would be glad to find ways to change them. I have asked him this and his main bugbear was the amount of time I was away from the house. I cant change my job, nor my uni, and the only other thing i could do was be at home as soon as i finished work so I have basically not went to see any of my friends.

FAF he is the breadwinner, by a fair distance :D and i feel bad that a lot of that responsibility is on him so am trying to change that.

harrassed I am so sorry. I understand that you have said those things before. I wasn't saying that you hadn't said them.

I think I really get where you are coming from and I really feel for you. Before DH and I got to where we are now on this issue, we had a lot of rounds of me saying "I would be glad to support you in x project or make x change, just tell me what do you need ffs, what is it going to take?" and him grumping around saying well it's this, no it's that, no it's not anything I just don't like any of it etc.

I just meant -- I think the only thing to do is say "look, here is the bottom line. If you want my support you've got it. If you want my help you've got it. You tell me what you want us to change and I will work with you. But I will not put up with your insistence on being miserable and on making sure I am miserable too. I love you. But you're an adult. You have to find a way to be happy with the life we have now b/c I am not waiting until things are perfect to be happy, that time will never fucking come.

In my case I insisted that he see someone for depression. It doesn't have to be a big deal -- a good counselor can help him sort out what he wants, what he can get, and how he can be okay with not getting what he can't get. It really helped. If you're on the point of leaving then I think it would be worth a try for you to insist that he speak to someone. Good luck x.

OK well, why not just go to the pub with him?

Find a nice pub that has a pub quiz and go every time it's on for the next couple of months. Couldn't you do that?

If it were just about him not wanting to go out/make friends, despite encouragement, I would be saying leave him to it. But he seems to not want you to go out. I find that worrying. I'm surprised nobody has picked up on his 'now you know how I feel' comment, which seems to have been preceded by a campaign of gradual and presumably deliberate isolation of the OP, and the fact that there is an argument every time she wants to go and see her friends. And throwing a glass because of the OP's plans to go on a hen weekend

I think the effects of trying to give up smoking on someone's personality cannot be underestimated.

Try counselling to sort out your niggles?

My dh isn't sociable either really...he has one good friend that he sees occasionally. He likes to meet up with other friends when they're "home" (we live in his hometown and a lot of his old school friends come back over the holidays) for a drink, but other than that and taking the kids to his brother or sister's he's pretty content to just sit at home reading or playing chess on his iPad :)

It used to drive me mad and I would try to get him to do all sorts of things but he really seems happier when I just leave him to it.

So, he's cross with you because you (not unreasonably) won't help him find new friends by hanging out in a pub (because it won't work), but he's been alienating the friends you do have, and who could have become friends of his also?
Sorry to be blunt, but he sounds a bit of a loser.