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Original poster

upset withdh for going home soon after birth

31 replies

squashymate · 24/07/2006 09:55

a few months ago i had a very long traumatic birth. A few hours after the birth my dh said he wanted to go home at which point i cried as i really didn't want to be left. My legs were still numb from the epidural and had not had a wash or been taken to the ward. About half an hour later he said he should go, i was too weak to argue so he went. Soon after i was taken to another room where i was left for what seemed like hours (i'd been told someone would come to help me move in a minute - they didn't). I was on the edge of a chair in agony because of episiotomy, couldn't get up because legs numb, holding baby and was feeling so scared about dropping, and was sitting too far from call button so couldn't get anyone. Soon thought i'd just have to scream for help but was worried about upsetting baby so just sat and waited in excruciating agony. I gor extremely upset about this yesterday and blamed dh for leaving me, he got very angry after a while and i feel even worse. am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BROWNY · 24/07/2006 09:59

You must have feld abandoned. Men are not good at picking up on how we feel, my dh fell asleep on my hospital bed after I gave birth, while I sat in the chair holding our newborn! I'm still pretty mad at him, honestly and that was 2 years ago! So please don't feel you're alone in feeling angry.

The hospital staff were really the ones to blame and it might make you feel better if you complained to them in writing.

Please try and put this behind you and look after yourself, watch out for any signs of PND as you've suffered a traumatic birth too and see you g.p. if you feel overwhelmed by sad feelings - I've been there too! Congratulations on the birth of your little one!

BROWNY · 24/07/2006 10:00

oops - felt abaondoned

mustrunmore · 24/07/2006 10:00

Why did he go? Was it kicking out time? Perhaps he was knackered; I know my dh was after ds1's birth, and I was totally unsympathetic. But on the other hand, you are top priority, and he should have seen you settled before he went, if at all possible.

BROWNY · 24/07/2006 10:00

can't spell this morning! obviously abandoned

JessaJam · 24/07/2006 10:02

Poor you .
I don't blame you at all for wanting your dh to stay with you after all that. However, is it possible that he too was exhausted, overwhelmed and possibly traumatised too after the birth? Yes, yes, I know you are the one who actually gave birth, but it can be very upsetting for the partner to see their 'other half' in so much pain, and being unable to to actually do anything about it themselves apart from watch and pat their hand...I know nearly a year after my long labour (ending in episiotomy and forceps delivery with Consultant called in to do the actually 'pulling', meconium etc) DH is more traumatised by the memory than I am...He had to experience it all without any luvverly drugs...or the rush of hormones aferwards...

mazzystar · 24/07/2006 10:04

After a that kind of experience, its natural to feel like blaming someone, and natural to still feel upset even after a few months.

The birth was probably also very traumatic for your DH, he was probably exhausted too.

It sounds like your hospital aftercare sounds like it left a lot to be desired. You need to find some way of letting it go, whether that be writing it all down, talking to a health visitor or whatever.

BROWNY · 24/07/2006 10:06

hijack - sorry

Hiya Mazzystar, how's everything with you?

Original poster
squashymate · 24/07/2006 10:10

have talked about how he felt about the labour before and he has never said he found it traumatic. he was exhausted but then, so, i imagine are the majority of partners. I feel so let down that he left me to be treated like that. His response was " he thought they'd look after me better so it's not his fault". But one of the purposes, surely of him being there was to make sure i got looked after properly - not leaving soon after i'd cried that i didn't want to be left alone (he was awake enough to buy himslef fish and chips on the way home!)

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FairyMum · 24/07/2006 10:13

I remember being angry and upset when my DH complained about being tired after the birth. He also went home straight away when DD was born and talked about how tiring the long birth had been for a long time afterwards. It still pops up in arguments, but at least he kept his mouth shut after the birth of Ds1 and 2.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 24/07/2006 10:14

They haven't a clue and our hormones are doing all sorts at the same time. My DH went home whilst I was still in labour with our first and he almost missed the birth which was by emergency section in the end. He too fell asleep on my bed in hospital one day. For the second I practically had to drag him out of bed when I went into labour to take me to the hospital. The first visiting hours after giving birth he and his brother were making plans for the head wetting session presuming I'd be out of hospital in time (which I was). I am still fuming at that and it was nearly a year and a half ago but I just have to let it slide. Best to speak out at the time but if it's been a while ago then forget it and just get on with enjoying your little one.

mazzystar · 24/07/2006 10:16

I'm sure he's not an uncaring brute, or you wouldn't have married him in the first place. And his assumption that you would be well cared for is what most of us expect, after all. (Even though it often turns out to be wrong). If you have explained how you feel, try to let it go, having a new baby is hard work enough without holding on to old hurts.

(browny, i'm good thanks, hope you are and DS chickenpox is sorted out!)

Original poster
squashymate · 24/07/2006 10:26

in most ways he's not uncaring but i'm having troubel dealing with the fact that if he'd stayed i wouldn't have been left in that room. And that fact he got angry about it last night and left me crying alone upstairs about it and basically said "don't blame me" really hurts. he doesn't even appear very upset about it - more angry that i'm blaming him. We've argued so much since the birth and i'm wondering if it might partly be due to me resenting him for leaving me so soon.

OP posts:
controlfreaky · 24/07/2006 10:34

you both have a lot of adjusting and adapting to do after birth of first child.... you need each other and to work (at leastmost of the time!) as a team.... it's natural to find it hard but you do need to sort things out between you so you can focus on the baby.... it sounds to me as if you are (understandably) quite traumatised by your bad experience and need to talk that over with someone (birth unit at hospital / gp / hv??) so you can make peace with dh and move on. good luck!

Miaou · 24/07/2006 10:38

I think you need to direct your distress at the hospital rather than your dh. I have three dc's, and after each one was born dh left after a fairly short time (with the dds, before I was moved out of the labour room, with ds he was with me for longer as I had to be transferred to another hospital after the birth, but he left almost straightaway once we were moved back to the original hospital).

After dd2 was born (my second), I was stuck in bed, unable to move after an epidural, unable to pick up dd2 who was crying, and some dimwit had removed my catheter so I was lying in my own urine (niiiice!). I was able to reach the buzzer but was told I would have to wait to be changed until I was moved to the ward. I was exhausted and tearful and shaking with cold, and kicked up a fuss until someone come and changed my bedding and clothes . But not at any point did I blame dh for not being there as I knew he was exhausted, and like your dh said, he presumed he was leaving me in capable and caring hands.

However, if you are still traumatised by your birth experiences, I do think you need to talk to someone about that, then you can sort your feelings out. Unless your dh has continued to be uncaring and self-centred then I think you are directing your feelings at him unfairly.

I really hope this doesn't sound unsupportive squashy, you have obviously been through a traumatic experience (((hug)))

Miaou · 24/07/2006 10:51

Perhaps I should add, the reason why he went home when he did, each time, was because he was exhausted, and like your dh, he got something to eat then went to bed. He then came back to the hospital when he had slept and was allowed back (visting hours permitting).

mazzystar · 24/07/2006 11:04

God, Miaou that's truly shocking.

Squashy, you had a horrible time, and I really sympathise (it took me ages to get over my own experience). Yes, if he'd been there you wouldn't have been left in that particular position, but its truly not his fault that people who were supposed to be giving you professional medical care were so thoughtless/overworked.

Whilst him getting angry isn't helpful, its probably because there is nothing he can do about it now. Focussing on it really won't help.

Original poster
squashymate · 24/07/2006 11:42

you're right i think he is angry because there's nothing he can do now. It just hurts even more because he said about a week ago he would try not to get angry with me when i was upset (it happens quite alot),> he was gentle for a few minutes but got angry when i wouldn't stop blaming him and crying. then felt worse because he left me crying

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quootiepie · 24/07/2006 17:26

my DH was the same! the only diff was he didnt leave in the end but about 3 hours after birth he said he'd better go - even though he was able to stay in room with me. Still the thought of him wanting to leave me alone - i had episiotomy, epidural, was really sick and needed a blood transfusion- still makes me upset. It really wrecked the experience for me - the whole time i was scared he was going to go home, instead of knowing he was 100% there for me. Im laying the rules for next time so I can relax!

Original poster
squashymate · 24/07/2006 17:28

well it's gone from bad to worse now. ended up continuing the arument on the phone, for ages and lots of horrible stuff was said by both of us. He said after a while he wanted nothing more to do with me and ended the phone call. he said he was bored with arguing, i said i was bored with him (which alot ot the time now i am) and it went on like that for a couple of hours. there's so much hurt and resentment that's built up that i just can't see how we can be happy togther. we're going on our first holiday with baby soon and i'm dreading being with h with nowhere to escape

OP posts:
Original poster
squashymate · 24/07/2006 17:32

quuotiepie, mine was about the same. it wasn't straight after that he left but a few hours like your dh. Your experience sounds worse tho as i didn't needed a blood transfusion(you poor thing) but had all the rest of it. part of me wishes i'd said i didn't want him there then this couldn't have happened. part of the reason for him being there was to make sure i was ok, not just to wait for the birth then go off for his fish and chips soon after!

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beckybrastraps · 24/07/2006 17:35

Can all this really be about him going home? Sounds like it runs deeper. How are you generally?

MrsDoolittle · 24/07/2006 17:42

This sounds like dh and I before I was diagnosed with PND. We had got so bad I was desperate, nearly walked out the door. We had been rock solid.
That's was a few months ago now, it feels like a lifetime away.

I think that you are angry at your dh and this is the perfect reason to be. However, you should be able to move on, so like becky says, I think it runs deeper.

Get onto your hv now. Ask for an assessment.

NotQuiteCockney · 24/07/2006 17:45

God, the first few months after you have a new baby suck. It's really upsetting and hard. (Well, it was for me! And I didn't have PND or that hard a time of it.)

Please try to take a deep breath and maybe get some help?

Original poster
squashymate · 24/07/2006 17:51

you're right it runs much deeper. I don't really enjoy being with him alot of the time, find i prefer weekdays when it's just me and baby or i see friends, don't feel very relaxed with dh and really worry about how i feel about him Don't really fancy him anymore but having said that wouldn't want to be with anyone else, we sleep separately alot of the time, not becuase of baby most of the time. there is so much that annoys and upsets me about him and i suppose i also feel vulnerable now that i've given up work to be with baby. Completely financially reliant on him. Feel very unappreciated for looking after baby and the things i try to make out lives easier. On the surface we should have a great life, nice house,he earns enough for us to have comfortable life, beautiful baby.... but even when i seem happy, underneath i'm not happy with him. i have explained all this to him too, but he can't change my feelings for him . i've wondered about PND but i don't actually feel "depressed" ( i have done in the past and this isn't the same) i just feel unhappy about my relationship

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NotQuiteCockney · 24/07/2006 18:23

How was your relationship pre-kids?

I think it's pretty normal to be intensely annoyed by your DH after having a baby.

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