upset withdh for going home soon after birth

[squashymate]

a few months ago i had a very long traumatic birth. A few hours after the birth my dh said he wanted to go home at which point i cried as i really didn't want to be left. My legs were still numb from the epidural and had not had a wash or been taken to the ward. About half an hour later he said he should go, i was too weak to argue so he went. Soon after i was taken to another room where i was left for what seemed like hours (i'd been told someone would come to help me move in a minute - they didn't). I was on the edge of a chair in agony because of episiotomy, couldn't get up because legs numb, holding baby and was feeling so scared about dropping, and was sitting too far from call button so couldn't get anyone. Soon thought i'd just have to scream for help but was worried about upsetting baby so just sat and waited in excruciating agony. I gor extremely upset about this yesterday and blamed dh for leaving me, he got very angry after a while and i feel even worse. am i being unreasonable?

squashy, you are describing how i felt about my dh from when DS was about 3 months - 9 months. i was exhausted, sleep deprived, physically unfit and my life had changed beyond recognition, i'd gone from having a fabulous, high-profile job with a brilliant social life and plenty of money, to being a financially dependent SAHM.

a year later, though, things are a LOT better, brilliant in fact. it took effort on both sides but it was worth it. it all feels a lot more equal and natural now.

try to focus on some of the positive aspects of your relationship, instead. it sounds like you have a lot to value.

my dp went to the shop just as my waters were being broken as he wanted a bottle of coke, didn't come back for an hour, ditto when they were stitching me afterwards, gone an hour and a half. was supposed to collect me early the next morning as he knew i wanted to get out of there early... didn't turn up til 4pm . even when i rang him crying he didn't move his ass and come get me. his excuse was he was tidying up the house for me, as if he couldn't have done that with me and baby there!

that said i know he didn't mean any harm and when he was there he was fantastic, i think it's difficult for men to understand how needy we feel right after birth as for most men when they're tired and in pain they just want to be left alone and presume the same of us.

agree with posters who say that although your dh wasn't exactly as helpful and supportive as he should have been it is unfair to blame him for the disgusting way the hospital treated you. he probably already feels a bit guilty that he didn't protect you better from that. i know my dp gets really upset when he hears how i was treated during the night by night nurses and wishes i hadn't had to endure that.

at the end of the day though, both you and your baby are ok now so maybe the best thing is to try and put your horrible experiance behind you and enjoy your beautiful baby. your unlikely to ever get a meaningful apology from the hosptial and dwelling on it will only make you more depressed and angry

congratulations on your baby, and good luck

thanks for all your comments. We've had a talk about it again - this time when we were calmer and i know that dh thoght i'd be properly looked after and that it may not have been safe for him to drive home if he'd stayed any longer as he was nearly falling aslepp as it was. We're going to make a bigger effort to sort out everything else - hope so much it works

Squashymate I totally remeber feeling like you after having DS - very similar birth, being left, crap staff experience too. My DH during the week would be full of 'wonderful' advice about how I should spend my time playing with DS and keep to the routine we'd established (which did work fabulously) but then come the weekend, he'd want to live life like we'd had before except now I had to sort the baby out too (he couldn't even put the change bag together without forgetting something so I had to do everything) and every monday I'd have to try and re-establish the routine. I definitely didn't fancy him anymore, would've slept separately if it had been possible and hated spending time with him. Goodness that all sounds horrid doesn't it!

Anyway, like you I was dreading our holiday with DS (then 5 months old) but actually it turned into one of the nicest times we'd had. He started to appreciate how much hard work DS was, how important it was to have all the right stuff with you all the time, how important the routine was and even that yes, I did genuinely need a new buggy that wasn't so heavy! It didn't fix everything but it was a start, we're now expecting number 2 so I must have started fancying him again at one point..

Hold off decisions for a bit, give yourself a bit of time out first. Becoming completely financially dependet on someone in our society today is a big thing to adjust to and it's easy to feel trapped - just remember that you're not really and if you did want to get out and have a life you could.

squashy, really glad to hear you and dh have had a chat. Hope you continue to sort things out hun