I think DP is cheating again

[lauralou85]

The secrecy with his phone and constant texts have started up again to the same woman. I've posted on here before about this, he had an affair in the summer but I forgave him and we got back together. Things were ok for a while but I knew he was still texting the OW. After I confronted him he promised me he would stop all contact with this woman but it's started again. Last night he was laying in bed texting her (he thought I was asleep but could see her name at the top of the screen. I feel so so sad as I love him and his DS and we had a lovely Christmas but now it all feels fake. I have no proof of the texting as I don't know the pass code to his phone and the texts won't show up on the iPad now (he changed it so I couldn't see his texts on there) so confronting him will be difficult as he will probably just say it's friendly texting. He doesn't seem interested in having sex with me despite me losing 2 stone in weight and buying all new lingerie and nice clothes. He knows how much it upsets me when he texts the OW but obviously not enough to stop.

Sorry this is happening OP

someone's just said to me "you know what you need to do, so be brave and do it"

I think this is the best advice I can give

You don't need proof you can leave your relationship whenever you want.

You have said it yourself He knows how much it upsets me when he texts the OW but obviously not enough to stop in fact he is happy to lay beside you in bed and do this.

You have lost weight, bought sexy undies and tarted yourself up for him. It's not enough as you are aware You will destroy yourself and your self esteem staying with this man.

Please also consider a trip to an STI clinic.

Sorry you are going through this.

I don't think it matters whether he's actually having an affair. You obviously don't trust him, and he's hardly jumping through hoops to show you that you can trust him.

You should be proud of the weight loss, but remember it's for your benefit, not his. I'm not sure he deserves to come first.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you but you know you really must end it. This time for good. This is something that isn't going to go away and you cannot trust him.
Don't waste any more time in this limbo.

I'm so sorry; how fucking awful to have to lie there while he did that. You must have felt so lonely.

I wonder why you didn't say anything at the time. You say there's no proof but the proof was there in front of you both.

You know what he's like - he's shown you what he's like. He's the kind of man who can lie in bed with his partner who he's put through hell and made any number of promises to, and text his girlfriend. Really - it's awful. How the hell could he do that?

You need to get angry and you need to get away from him, for your own mental health. What he is doing to you will destroy every ounce of self esteem. Please, be strong and break out of this damaging relationship.

Ok, so chances are he never stopped with this woman.
texting while you are in bed next to him is the ultimate fuck you, dont you think?

ok. Given that he clearly isnt going to give her up, and you cant make him, the only thing you can do is decide what you are going to do.
stay with a man you, in your heart of hearts know is having an affair and who doesnt appear to give much of a shit if you know it, and deal with the pain of living this life
or leave, suffer the pain of a breakup and go through all that.

both are quite clearly utterly shit choices, but you dont have the luxury of a nice pain free option, so you have to decide which painful route you are going to take.

im so sorry that he is treating you with this contempt.

He has no respect for you. He is a cheeky fucking arsehole who won't even put your mind at rest by being transparent with his passcodes. That's because he is cheating and lying.

You need to take control of this. You can live with a liar, or leave a liar. I did the former for too long. You'll know when the time is right. Gather strength and get angry. New year, new plan I say.

Stop wasting your time with this 'choose me' crap. You say 'forgive' and he hears 'I got away with it'. Losing weight? Buying underwear? Why bother when it's clear he has zero respect for you? FFS he's not even being discreet about it. Gather up your self-respect and your underwear with both hands and the make it a short good-bye.

I'm so sorry op

He's broken the trust and he needs to rebuild it and that means utter transparency. No pass codes on phones - I don't actually know how to set one .
Why does he need to keep his phone secret?

He also needs to cut contact with the ow.

If he can't do these things then there's nothing to be saved I'm afraid. He's taking the piss, isn't sorry and doesn't care if he gets caught.

I think it's time for cards on the table, tell him what needs to happen for the marriage to be saved. He can like it or lump it.

Congratulations on the weight loss op. keep looking after yourself and be kind to yourself

He never stopped cheating did he! Your mistake was to forgive him with no consequences to him. He got away with it, and continues to get away with it. He doesn't care that you are hurting, he doesn't respect you. Time to end it.

Surely complete openness with his phone was a condition of you getting back together after the summer? Did you fall into the trap of forgiving too easily? If so, please don't make the same mistake again.

Why did you stay with him when it became clear he didn't stop all contact with OW? The affair is still ongoing and there is nothing you can do to stop him.

Tell him you deserve far more than this and to pack his bags.

The first line of what howmanymincepies said.

Also, you have proof, you saw him do it, and you don't need to provide him with proof-- he already knows what he's done.

Sorry you're going through this. It's not something you should put up with

You don't need proof in order to end the relationship. You know what's going on and you know things won't change. I'm sorry.

You deserve to be adored, he is never going to be up to that job, so it time to make sure there is a vacancy for someone who is qualified for the job.

The only thing you will regret is how much more time you have wasted on this relationship, since you released.

Good luck.

Thank you everyone for your comments and support, you have all really put things in perspective for me and it always helps to have opinions from people not involved. I know I need to be strong now, and move out, my confidence is at an all time low when it should be riding high due to the weight loss and a recent promotion at work. I feel the affair was all my fault for not being attractive enough, I forgave too easily and begged him not to leave me. I told him a few months ago that if he wanted to be with her that I wouldn't stand in his way or make things awkward for him but he said he wanted to be with me. Maybe I'm just the easy option for him. Thanks again everyone x

Why did you tell him that? You need to find your pride! He doesn't get to choose between you, you decide if you want him once he has ditched the OW. That's the only way it works.

Your confidence is low because the man you are with is choosing to give his attention to another woman when you are laid in bed next to him. You deserve SO much better.

The affair was not your fault. Nobody can make another person have an affair.

Oh dear. You don't have to say your confidence is low. You have to get out of this horrible, unhealthy relationship before your self-esteem sinks without trace. Your fault for not being attractive? Is that how you really see yourself?

Hello OP

I'm sorry you are going through this and honestly believe you can't trust him. He is doing this behind your back when he thinks you are asleep.
Anybody who needs passwords that you don't know can't be trusted imo. Both dh and I can access each others accounts for anything, we don't need to though as we trust each other. That is meant to sound the norm, not smug btw.
Please don't waste any more time on this man, kick him out and see where he goes.

The affair was his fault for being a wanker.

You have all the 'proof' you need. It doesn't matter exactly what they're up to, that they're up to anything at all is the dealbreaker.

LTB. Good luck. X

chumplady.com
Someone linked to this the other day

He texts ow while in bed next to you?
Mine used to message ow while I was lying asleep on sofa heavily pregnant

It is definitely the ultimate 'fuck you' when they can't even be arsed to hide it.
Time to get angry sweetie

So sorry OP.
I can tell from your last post you have no intention of leaving him. Having been through similar i an say your self esteem will only deteriorate further. Mine got so low that y DP started to EA me. Do not get to this stage.
I can guarantee that his ow will be nagging him to be with her so sooner or later he will leave. That happened to me. It took the decision out of my hands.
Please speak to your DP about his texting and be firm. He needs to know his only choice is you otherwise you will make a different choice for him.
Good luck.