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Original poster

I don't know what to do..

42 replies

idkwwhattodo · 01/01/2014 18:42

back-story. my partner and I got 'engaged' christmas day we haven't been together a long long time and were just about to move in together (he's here everyday sleeps around 4/5 nights a week). I have 1 DC not by him

He comes round yesterday and tells me that him and his best friend have been talking and they both feel that it was too soon, they've decided the engagement should be called off and he's going to move in first the maybe reconsider things at a later date it was just a joke to him and it wasn't serious.

i was shocked and didn't really know what to say, so i said nothing. Took the ring off and gave it back and we sat in silence for about 3 hours. We had friends round and he was rude and ignored me. They left around midnight and I ended up going to bed. I was waiting up for him till around 2am when it turned out he'd sulk himself to bed on the sofa. He climbed into bed this morning round 9 and Not much was said to each other and he went home as I went to pick my DC up from my mothers.

we ended up texting, I'd told him friends and family had brought cards what shall we do? I didn't really want to say to my mum, "sorry you'll have to take them back DP and his best friend have decided not to be engaged anymore" Hmm where he told me I was over-reacting, it was just a joke to him, it wasn't serious and he didn't care he'd had enough. I said maybe if he doesn't care any more then shall he collect his stuff? which he jumped at the chance for.

He's picked up his stuff and gave be back the house key. He then proceeded to tell me he didn't want to break up and he would come round tomorrow to discuss what to do.

I know it's not been long and If he had spoken to me about it first then, I would of said that's fine. The fact he's had this whole discussion with his best mate and then told me what's happening. I just feel lost. I don't know what to do anymore. I do love him but I'm rather hurt.

WWYD?

OP posts:
LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA · 01/01/2014 18:45

It was a joke? Do not see him again retain self respect

WipsGlitter · 01/01/2014 18:48

How old are you both and how long have you been together?

MajesticWhine · 01/01/2014 18:51

What an arsehole. Sorry, it sounds like its over, but also perhaps you have had a lucky escape.
Him saying he doesn't want to break up sounds like code for he would like an occasional shag, so be careful that doesn't happen.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/01/2014 18:52

What a cruel thing to do.
He's told you who he is now and shown his true colours.
You know what to do so be brave and do it.
So sorry this happened to you.
You sound lovely and deserve a lot more than this guy is offering.

LineRunner · 01/01/2014 18:53

Oh wow, you have had a very narrow escape from certain misery with this man.

You can't love him. You possibly did love a version of himself he projected to you, until he showed his real immature useless self.

Protect yourself and your child from this berk, please. Don't talk to him. Don't contact him again.

Original poster
idkwwhattodo · 01/01/2014 18:55

we've been together under a year and we're in our early twenties.

I'm just hurt that his friends say's jump and he say's how high. His mate ask him to do something and he'll drop whatever plans he has like a shot and make out it's no big deal.

I just wished he's spoken to me first, he'd done nothing but tell me how happy he was and how excited. Now he's saying his friends and family have made him realise it's too soon

OP posts:
Hassled · 01/01/2014 18:57

Agree you've had a lucky escape - I think you are way more emotionally invested in this relationship than he is. And calling off an engagement now while still prepared to move in with you is completely illogical - it would have ended messily.

I'm so sorry - you must be all over the place. But you just don't seem to want the same things at the moment.

KingRollo · 01/01/2014 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JollySantersSelectionBox · 01/01/2014 18:59

If he's that weak that he feels like he has to act all "BillyBigBalls" infront of jealous goady friends then I would say play him at his own game and keep away.

oldgrandmama · 01/01/2014 18:59

Get rid, please! You deserve better. And by the way, the bit about 'moving in first' - DON'T LET HIM! Cut your losses and dump him, fast.

MadameLeBean · 01/01/2014 19:01

Omg please dump him. What a loser. I would be soo raging Angry

StripyButterfly · 01/01/2014 19:01

You have had a lucky escape OP. I can't believe his mate suggested the engagement was bad idea and he called it off Shock Just move on.

Original poster
idkwwhattodo · 01/01/2014 19:01

I just feel like an idiot Sad

His best friend is moving in with his gf and having a child but is always mentioning how we're moving too fast

OP posts:
FlatCapAndAWhippet · 01/01/2014 19:08

Cruel and selfish. I wouldn't give him the time of day.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/01/2014 19:11

He's the idiot - not you!!
Cut contact and don't let him make you feel this way. Easier said than done but you know you and your DC deserve better.

Offred · 01/01/2014 19:12

Don't feel like an idiot.

Is this a case of him being a sweet guy but just very immature, which makes it hard to cut your losses and move on?

Nevertheless that is what I'd suggest doing. You've got a child and anything that happens in your relationship will affect them too. If your bf was mature enough to respect that then he would know he could not 'joke' about getting engaged - which is also a promise to become your dc stepfather!

I think you should consider this a lucky escape, completely ridiculous to back pedal because your mate thinks it is too quick. Unless you're about 12 anyway, not when you're a potential stepfather.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety · 01/01/2014 19:14

He is the idiot not you. I wouldn't want an immature idiot like this moving in with me, especially as you have a dc to consider.

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2014 19:15

You have a DC.

Please do not let him move in - even if you want to carry on seeing him (though why you would is beyond me) - please put your DC first. It is far too soon to move someone into their lives, especially one who is so childish.

You've not been together a year and he already virtually lives with you?

Count your lucky stars you've seen what he's really like before things got really messy.

There will be a next time, with someone better. Just please, take it slower.

cafesociety · 01/01/2014 19:15

I'd see all this as being given fair warning and the chance for a lucky escape....and take it! 'If someone tells you who they are - believe them'.

Seriously, he has no backbone....so easily influenced by his friend and at your expense. Not funny to explain it away as a 'joke' - no it was totally tactless and cruel with no thought for your feelings whatsoever.

Sulking to me is a red flag, showing immaturity and is manipulative and a sign of resentment.

I'd say you were well rid. He's aiming for 'friends with benefits'...don't fall for that. How he behaved is humiliating to you, your friends and family.....what a nasty piece of work.

Your life would be hell with someone so mercurial and easily influenced...and cruel.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2014 19:17

Yet another pathetic specimen of boyhood waiting for a spine transplant Hmm You're not an idiot, you just had the bad luck to pick someone who has no character. Then again, best you see his true colours now.

What to do.... give him plenty of space to think about what an immature jerk he's being. Get on with your life without him. Make plans that don't include him.

Original poster
idkwwhattodo · 01/01/2014 19:18

I just don't know how to explain to friends and family.

It's completely embarrassing and humiliating to say "we're no longer together, because his best friend talked him out to being engaged and it was only a joke to him, he then didn't give a flying fuck about how I felt"

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 01/01/2014 19:20

Well in the first instance is it very soon. And if he had come to you and said I've been thinking about things and perhaps I was a bit foolish and carried away what with us moving in and rushed things and have reconsidered and then you had had a chat between you then I'd be nodding and thinking very sensible of you.

But to say that buying a ring and proposing was a joke, like a joke puts a very different slant on things. Couple this with the jumping when friend says jump and I think you should at least take a break. A break that includes not having sex because it sound like he doesn't want to miss out on sex despite being happy to move his stuff out. A proper no contact break. Or just split up.

BillyBanter · 01/01/2014 19:22

your friends and family will be sympathetic and supportive. They will not think you are an idiot. They will say that it was better to split now than the night before your wedding day, or worse, after it.

Dirtybadger · 01/01/2014 19:24

What an idiot he sounds. And his friend (assuming his friend had anything to do with it, and he wasn't just using his friend as an excuse not to own up to his own feelings).

Tell your friends and family exactly that! They won't think you're stupid. They'll think he's and idiot and they'll probably all rally around to make sure you are okay :)

cafesociety · 01/01/2014 19:26

Tell them the truth, it's not you who is going to look like a spineless adolescent with no feelings for and no idea of how to love another human being and a child...who trusted him.

Then you can all smile smirk when you see him and friends and family will think 'What a prat....' or words to that effect. He is, and deserves to be, a laughing stock.

You are not the fool here, you loved, you cared, you trusted. You're ok, you're going to be ok and you have your DC, who is a clear priority here.