I think I really may have to leave dh

[ThinkingOfLeaving]

I am a regular poster who has name changed, please don't out me.

Dh and I have been together over 13 years and have 3 dc, he works reduced hours and is the main carer and does most of the household chores etc.

The problem for me is that he just incapable of showing me any care, he never asks how I am, if I'm upset he ignores it, he asked why I couldn't sleep last night and I told him it was because I'm miserable - that was the end of the conservation. It's been like this for years but I only realised about 3 years ago just how very alone I was and tbh it just feels like daily rejection of who I am.

If I live it will mean me going into shared accommodation and being pretty broke. Property is far too expensive to sell the house or anything like that. I worry how I will be able to maintain any sort of decent relationship with the dc if I move out especially as they won't be able to stay with me.

I feel my choices are freedom and the hope of hapiness but broke or staying and having an ok lifestyle but being alone and lonely. I can't even work out what is best for the dc - for them to model their future relationships on this marriage or have to come to terms with their mother leaving them.

Also the whole society thing, a failed 2nd marriage and a mother leaving her dc behind - just how much more shit will that make me feel about myself.

I asked dh to consider going back to a counsellor to see if we could make our marriage work and for each of us to sort ourselves out. After 10 days I asked him what he had decided and he said he would go and that if I was willing to try so was he. Well that was months ago and he hasn't even rang to make an appointment, I don't think he ever will.

I am no contact with my family, we have no family friends, dh has no friends and won't risk trying to make any and I only have a few friends none of whom are local.

I suppose I'd just like some advice and to be able to talk about how I'm feeling and what I think to help me make a decision.

I'm not sure you're ready to think about the practicalities of moving out. I think you need to improve your self-respect and self esteem first.

What do you think would help?

Courts, if it comes to court, will think about the children's welfare. That may well not be 50:50 care and it may not be your husband being the main carer. We don't know and that's a long way off for you in your current state of mind I think.

Delurking to say..l think if someone, whatever sex they were, said their partner was upping sticks and shirking responsibility, then you're right, they would be encouraged to keep hold of the house, kids etc.

But this isn't what you're doing. it's just your relationship that isn't working out. You don't want to leave your children or have a diminished role in their lives and you shouldn't have to.

Any man or woman who wanted to stay involved with their children would be supported.

I'm not sure what you mean Offred, what would make me feel better? Not having to pretend 24/7 that everything is fine when it isn't. To actually know that some likes me and cares enough about me to ask how I am and listen to the reply, even if they don't like it.

The only way to have shared residency and for us to both have a home each would be to sell and both rent, neither of us would ever be able to buy again. From a financial point of view I'd rather he and the dc stayed in the marital home because I can't see them being able to move out in their 20s.

Then you need to start finding that where you can. Outside the house. When you feel better these things will seem much clearer and you'll hopefully have more hope too.

Perhaps if I moved out then he may actually consider sorting himself out?

As it is it strikes me that you have no-one. No friends, no family, no husband.

And although that is not your fault at all, it is wearing and only you can do anything about changing it. And you can change it, really you can. I have been there. Last Christmas I was completely no contact with my family, still with my husband and had not got a single friend/had not been out of the house for weeks sometimes (SAHM). I made a mammoth effort to change it and it was really hard but last night I had no dead weight husband and a house full of my friends to bring in the new year with.

Pretty much sums it up Offred.

When you try and explain that to people they then tell you that you're wrong .

Sherlock time! Dh has decided to grace me with his presence. He usually sits upstairs in our bedroom if I am downstairs and vice versa.

I know people don't believe you because it seems like it must be dramatic. I believe you because I've been there and it brings you so low. You can change it. Honestly you can. Surely therapy could help you with that?

That's nice, you should take these things where you can. I hope you'll be back on the thread if you need/want to though.

I think if you moved out he would just carry on exactly the same as he is now. There would be less impetus to change because there would be no one asking him to.

I can see that you both renting is much less desirable from a financial pov but I'd have thought it was greatly more desirable than losing your kids.

I really respect your approach to therapy and self analysis - and your desire to take time to make the right decision, and figure out the true causes of your unhappiness. But at the same time, I think anyone would feel depressed in your situation, and you might find that losing the albatross of a husband releases you to build a life you feel happy with.

Xposts - good luck OP x

It occurs to me that your husband has all the power in your relationship and you have none.

He does not want counselling, so nothing happens.
He does not want to show affection, so he does not care.
He does not want to work full time, so he doesnt.
He does not want to sell the house, so that is out of the question.

The result is that you are lonely, unhappy, and feel forced out of your home, your family and ousted from the relationship with your own children.

Because of choices HE is making for himself that inevitably affects you.

Why dont you start making a couple of choices that affects him?

If you get the ball rolling on divorce the following will happen:

You will have to find a solution regards to the sale of the house as division of marital assets. He may realize he needs to work full time to afford a place to live.
You will arrange a 50/50 split, and it will no longer be up to him.

Stop pussyfooting around what HE wants, and what choices HE is making for HIS life, start acting according to what YOU want for your life.

The moment you see a solicitor and get the ball rolling on divorce, he will have to start making changes, and it is no longer his decision only regards to the house. If he does not want to sell, he can find a way to buy you out.

Make it happen! You sound like you are suffocating, and the only reason you are not progressing with this is because HE holds all the keys and has the control. It does not have to be this way.

Excellent post Quintessential.

There's a very strong sense of entrapment through your posts OP and it's striking that your only projected option for getting out of the trap of your marriage - is to walk into another one - losing your kids & being alone.

Thank you for all your thoughts.

Dh does work nearly full time and could not earn enough to buy me out, we are low earners for the area where we live. If full time we earn pretty much the same - our joint mortagage is over 3.5 times one salary. So one person taking on the mortgage is doable unless the interest rates go crazy. Mortgage is about £500 per month, renting the equivalent is about £1,200, renting a 2 bed not much less tbh. I really wouldn't want to sell the house as I can't see either of us getting on the property ladder again and I'd be gutted to blow £170k equity on renting. Longer term 50% would easily be enough to move away and buy when the dc are older.

Due to my issues I already feel quite disconnected from my dc and in some ways perhaps if I moved out (I am assuming dh wouldn't go due to past conversations) I would have to be more interactive with the dc when I was with them and that could be a good thing - even if it's sitting playing board games and watching TV together and cooking for them. Also if I had the house and dc I wouldn't be able to go out in the evenings and stuff because I have no childcare. MIL would babysit the dc for him (as would I) but I don't think she would for me!

All my get up and go has gone, the thought of working full time and being a single parent just seems impossible when I'm struggling to look after myself. Just doing all the practical stuff - on a bad day it's an effort to get up, have a shower and get dressed.

I suppose part of me thinks it would be best to seperate now so I have time on my own with no relationship to try and sort myself out, I am worried that if I don't that I will end up running away headlong into another relationship which would be completely the wrong thing - this is how I ended up with my dh after all.

I am so sad because all the things my dh liked about me have been worn away. In the past he has put up with a lot of crap from me and in part that has a massively damaging impact on our relationship which is probably why I feel so guilty and torn. Part of me just wants to shake him so hard and tell him to get a grip and deal with his demons. I want "us" to be more sociable, to make the effort with other people to have a house full of people and laughter but he is too afraid to come out of his introvert shell. He seems to be incomplete denial that humans need other people - or perhaps he really doesn't, but I do - very much so.

Perhaps I should just put the wheels in motion to seperate, it feels very much a case of "I love you dh but I'm not prepared to live like this because it's killing me" at least then when I cry my eyes out and no one gives me a hug or cuddle it's because there physically isn't anyone there IYSWIM. At the moment it just feels like a constant rejection.

I've spent the last 3 years thinking about escaping leaving perhaps I just need to do it to make him face up to what he has to lose if he chooses to not sort himself out. For several years he was my best friend, my refuge, the person who loved me. I miss that so much. I think really I am the sort of person who never should have had children I am just far too needy.

Does any of this even make sense?

Hi it does make sense. You sound very lonely and depressed. I agree that the house shouldn't be sold, it would be crazy, one of you should keep the house if you do separate, even if it means buying the other one out.
It seems like you feel the kids would be better off with DH. That is ok and understandable given how you are feeling.
Personally I think you really need to become happier in yourself. You say you want a house full of people..why not invite some over? When one of you DC's has a birthday have a party at home and entice the parents over as well.
with wine. There is a website called meetups. You will find events activities of every kind on it, in all areas of the UK (worldwide actually!!)
It sounds like you and your DH have shut down from each other because of issues. If your lives move on the issues may shrink.
Going back to the party suggestion, could you do that? Would your partner not allow it? I know if you haven't been socialising a lot it is difficult but you need to start building up your social life as this will still be an issue if you leave your current life behind.
Do you take anti- depressants? Maybe they would help? I'm no expert but have a few friends on them who said that life seemed less bleak and found it easier to get on with things. Maybe therapy is actually damaging you more?

Yes I am on anti-depressants and they have helped the lows not be so bad. I don't have people to invite around anymore, I have slowly become so distanced from everyone.

When things first got very bad I did open up my "friends" and they just panicked I suppose and never really heard from them much after that. That is my experience you open up to people and they don't like it. So you carry on putting on the smile and being chatty, take an interest in them because they don't want to hear how shit you feel!

I don't feel comfortable inviting people over with the atmosphere in the house also once they leave it's just back to how it was. We had some plastering done 3 years ago, it still hasn't been painted yet. I am so ashamed about it because I spend hours in the house doing nothing apart from on MN and can't be arsed to do anything about it.

I could see is staying together and just co-parenting with seperate lives - pretty much as things are now and yes I could go out and make new friends but what are my dc learning? I think they will end up like me, choosing partners who are emotionally damaged and give them nothing.