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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thinking of Leaving for no 'bad' reason

39 replies

WhisperingShadow · 01/01/2014 12:47

Can't get it out of my head about how nice it would be to take my DD (2) and have our own house.

My husband is lovely. Married for 3 years, together for 8. Two stepsons 17 & 19 who still do the contact schedule of 50/50. Good relationship. Lazy teens.

I just feel really sufficated like I can't breath. I work full time but condensed hours so all day at work, squeeze a few hours in with DD after work while doing dinner and pots, then log on from home in the evening.

Friday with DD, generally with a teen slobbing around the house. I saved half my hols incase DD was sick so need to take them over last few weeks, expecting quality time with DD but my SSs are just there all the time watching TV. Their mum is off work and their dad at work this week but are with me and I just can't breath. I just want some quite time with my daughter, some space. It feels so cramped.

We live in the old marital home, I gave my house up, my little town and I feel trapped.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 01/01/2014 12:51

Have you talked about how you feel with your dh?

Mrswellyboot · 01/01/2014 12:55

I understand though I am not in your situation. My only feeling is the teens will be adults in a few short years. I like my own space so much, so I would feel like that too. Talk to dh, don't leave him just for this. He might not realise x

TheRobberBride · 01/01/2014 12:55

I wouldn't do anything drastic until you've had a good talk about it with your DH.

If your stepsons are 17 and 19 there will surely come a time quite soon when they are not around so much.

Lweji · 01/01/2014 13:01

How is your relationship with the SSs? Can you tell them to do work around the house? They should be able to take some load off you, iron their clothes, set the table, do dishes, clean the house.

In any case, why can't you relax with your DD when they are there?
How does their presence actually impact on you?
And could you take your DD elsewhere for some fun?

Original poster
WhisperingShadow · 01/01/2014 13:02

Tried to speak with him today but it SSs home so what can I do?

Sat upstairs, everyone downstairs and I just want to run. Take her to a hotel. The urge is so strong! It isn't like DH is mean or the teens are rude and horrible. If it was a normal family I am sure it would be perfect.

OP posts:
monkeymax58 · 01/01/2014 13:05

I would book a premier inn for 2 nights and take dd away.

Take some games and nice food, go to the cinema and spend time with her.

I do not like having people in my house! Even dssons.......

Original poster
WhisperingShadow · 01/01/2014 13:06

Can you take 2 year olds to the cinema?

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/01/2014 13:07

Do you engage your SSs? I do find it a bit odd that you feel the need to get your DD on your own to the point of thinking of moving to your own place.

Is there a way of having quiet time with your DD in her room?

Lweji · 01/01/2014 13:09

Can you take 2 year olds to the cinema?

Sure. But you'll have to watch a movie for young children, or she'll be bored.
There's also the theater. I don't know where you are, but there should be non-panto plays around that are good for young children.

Original poster
WhisperingShadow · 01/01/2014 13:10

I do engage with SSs. We get on well. I cook nice family meals and we all eat and chat. DD rooms barely fits her bed in there.

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/01/2014 13:12

How about your room?

I used to find the local library a good place to have a quiet read and play. They had a children's area.

DontmindifIdo · 01/01/2014 13:13

take her swimming, soft play, any attractions for DCs near you? Just get out of the house. If you can afford a travelodge for a couple of nights, do it.

Is the 19 year old at Uni? by the time your DD is 6, your DSS will both be post uni age and not staying for holidays, more one or two nights max as guests.

Dromedary · 01/01/2014 13:14

Your reaction seems way over the top. Why jeopardise your good relationship with your DH for this? And of course your child's relationship with her father? Maybe you could talk things over with DH and sort out any issues over how the teenagers behave. Luckily they are only there half the time anyway. I would also go out more rather than being stuck in the house with the teenagers, and arrange the odd holiday with just you and DH and DC, or with just you and DC, but arrange it, don't walk out in a huff.

Original poster
WhisperingShadow · 01/01/2014 13:16

I just feel miserable and trapped when I should feel happy.

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/01/2014 13:17

How much do you do at home and how much does your OH and the SSs do?

I get a hint that them slobbing about is part of why you are annoyed.
Why don't you give them some cash and send them on the way to the movies themselves?

Lweji · 01/01/2014 13:18

Have you ever had depression?
Maybe you should talk with a professional about how you feel.

lunar1 · 01/01/2014 13:24

Are you ready to give up 50% of your time with dd over this?

Original poster
WhisperingShadow · 01/01/2014 13:27

SS do nothing. I have to ask all the time.

I did most of the housework on the days I was meant to be spending with DD until DH and I had a massive row about it and things are better.

SS 19 works full time. Has lots of timr off over Xmas. Spends all his cash, no savings for future. We take a small amount and secretly save that for him. SS 17 at college full time which really means 2 1/2 days a week. No uni plan. No college plans. No other plans. I keep going through ideas with him, showing him websites for years out, appreticeships etc

I mgonna go downstairs and stop moaning. Feel calmer now.

OP posts:
wordyBird · 01/01/2014 13:30

You sound quite desperate.
You say you feel suffocated, that you can't breathe - and you say that twice. Also that you feel trapped and miserable.
Have you spoken to anyone in real life about how you feel?

Original poster
WhisperingShadow · 01/01/2014 13:30

I know the impact of leaving, having been in a broken family as a child and now leaving in a blended family.

I did think of going to the Drs a few months back because I kept feeling sad but then I felt OK and I put it down to going back to work etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhisperingShadow · 01/01/2014 13:31

living in a blended family I meant.

OP posts:
Offred · 01/01/2014 13:36

IMO blended families only work if the person coming into the family is happy to take on the existing children as though they are their own and the existing parent is happy to let them.

This is no small task and I'm sure there are many people who can't do it. Maybe you need to think about whether you're one of those who isn't cut out for it or perhaps whether it's just that it is never going to work in your particular relationship.

MiniTheMinx · 01/01/2014 13:41

At 17 and 19 they should be out more than they are in and the remaining time (the 50%) elsewhere with the other parents. To be honest, at 17 and 19 the 50:50 arrangement infantalises them and is probably a disincentive to them contributing to the home in anyway, financial or otherwise.

I also think that bearing in mind they are 50:50 they could share a room and free up a bigger room for your little girl.

Lweji · 01/01/2014 13:42

I really think you should go to the doctor after the holidays and possibly explain it to your OH too, so that he can support you.
It is possible that he has noticed your behaviour is off, but he doesn't know what it is about or what to do about it.
It is different if he knows at least something about how you feel and helps by addressing his children and giving you some breathing space.

Original poster
WhisperingShadow · 01/01/2014 13:45

What do you say to a Dr?

OP posts: