Thinking of Leaving for no 'bad' reason

[WhisperingShadow]

Can't get it out of my head about how nice it would be to take my DD (2) and have our own house.

My husband is lovely. Married for 3 years, together for 8. Two stepsons 17 & 19 who still do the contact schedule of 50/50. Good relationship. Lazy teens.

I just feel really sufficated like I can't breath. I work full time but condensed hours so all day at work, squeeze a few hours in with DD after work while doing dinner and pots, then log on from home in the evening.

Friday with DD, generally with a teen slobbing around the house. I saved half my hols incase DD was sick so need to take them over last few weeks, expecting quality time with DD but my SSs are just there all the time watching TV. Their mum is off work and their dad at work this week but are with me and I just can't breath. I just want some quite time with my daughter, some space. It feels so cramped.

We live in the old marital home, I gave my house up, my little town and I feel trapped.

I also agree with Mini.

If they have their own rooms and your DD is growing, she should have more space.

Even if you have to tell them to do things in the house, keep telling them. Although it might work better if they are given specific responsibilities and you just need to remind them.
They can also be responsible for cooking sometimes. Why not put them in charge of at least one meal or two per week?

You can tell the GP about how you feel. Suffocated, like you can't breath, feeling trapped, having an urge to run away, feeling miserable.
They will ask you further probing questions.
If they refer you to a specialist, he will do the same.

In any case, for depression (if that is the case) the GPs often recommend physical exercise, and a vitamin supplement may help too. Can you join a baby gym, or go swimming? Play ball in the park, or garden, etc.
When exH was at home, I often felt the urge to get some space and I took DS to the park and elsewhere. It did help. Getting fresh air can often do the trick.
These days I'm happier to stay at home. :)

Still, I think there are issues at home that can be helped with, as per the advice you have received so far.

How mature is the older SS? At 19 I did a fair bit of babysitting for my niece (who was probably 2, as well). How involved are they with their half sister? Might the older lad be happy to look after her for a few hours? You could have some time to yourself that way. I know this might not be appropriate- certainly my younger brother at 19 wasn't interested in babysitting and my sister probably wouldn't have trusted him to...

I think the advice is good here op. don't just run from the marriage and you might regret it without having worked things through , I think it solvable to be honest.

I think Christmas has got on top of you. I think they sound very cosy there, as they should of course but a bit spoilt. Dh needs to get them to shift off their backsides and help around the house.

I don't know what to say. I can't imagine what a drag it would be to have two teenage boys sort of lurching around in "your" space ALL DAY LONG.

I can say I've been on the other side of thisa teenager in a 50:50 set-upand it su-u-u-ucked. As someone above noted, it is infantilising at 17-19 to have to take your little backpack back and forth every few days, and you can never really relax and feel at home. You're always sort of a tolerated house guest.

I know that doesn't help you now.

Maybe--make a virtue of necessity and see what there is to enjoy about their company? Can you cast them in the roles of big brothers, maybe they can help DD build a fort in the living room or take her for a walk or something? Just some ideas...

Your DP and SSs have lived in this house for many years, following pretty much the same routine. You have come along and now your DD has come along and it doesn't sound as though anyone has really made any accommodations for you: you are still the add-on in the household.

Does the house feel like "yours"? How much have you done in the way of redecorating and the like? Have you been able to make any new friends in the neighbourhood?

To my mind, it sounds a though the loss of your "own" home is pushing you towards feeling faceless and voiceless.

Firstly, you should try to explain all this to your DH: as far as he and his lads are concerned, this is their home and it was nice and easy to just move you in, but perhaps you need to move house for a proper fresh start as a new family? [which could also be a good opportunity to get the older ones thinking about their independent futures].

I also think that the lads are young adults and should be properly pulling their weight around the house, not just giving the odd bit of help here and there: 4 adults in the household should mean 1/4 of the chores each.

Finally, get out and about, meet people, build yourself a life outside the house.

Living with someone (or someones) that you really don't want to, must be so difficult though. I saw a family member over Christmas in a similar situation as you and I could see what the ongoing situation was doing to him. I have thought about it a lot since going there. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for him though whereas (not to minimise) these two DSSs will Foxtrot Oscar quite soon surely? He is sort of shrivelling mentally and his life is not his own as a result of having the 'cuckoo' in the nest. I suspect he will soon start a 'project' that takes him away from home more. If he doesn't, I foresee MH issues for him. Grim.

Working the long hours that you do with a 2yo is very hard. You don't sound like you get any time to yourself.

Then on top of that you've got layabout SSs. They don't really have any responsibility to help look after your dd but they don't sound like they are doing anything to pull their weight by looking after themselves or helping with housework.

I too have always struggled with feckless lazy men who do the bare minimum and no more. This was a big factor in my divorce (my irritability led to no sex and it went from there). I still feel like I never stop and when at work (with 2ds's) it's just one long treadmill. I have a lazy man (my brother) living with me who very occasionally surprises me but has an extraordinary ability to do nothing all day, watch me doing job after job, and not feel guilty in any way about it!

I think you should get SSs to work in a small way to start with. If you are doing dinner they should at least wash up. If one is washing up the other can hoover. They should at least cope with one job each on the days they are with you. Make it their role - you shouldn't never have to ask for it to be done. You'll have to sit round the table with your dh and them to do it but surely they can't deny that it would be fair?

Thanks for all the replies.

I hate 50/50 and thought it would have stopped by now.

DH and I have tried to implement jobs etc but they have a week away and then forget it all. And you end up having the same conversation over and over, it is exhausting. Example yesterday, SS 17 cooked bacon and left the cooker covered in splatteted fat and work surface in crumbs.

They have no responsibility because they effectively escape it each week. Their nice big bedrooms are a tip. Their bathroom disgusting. I never let guests use it. SS17 has a pet in his room he doesn't look after. I am trying to rehome. It can sit there with no clean water or its light on. I can see 50/50 going on well into adult hood because it is easy for them and the parents.

This house was built as a two bed with an additional box room, then our master bedroom was an addition so I don't feel it has the space for four adults, a drop in girlfriend and a toddler.

I want to look at moving but my house sale is still going on. It was trashed by the last tenant and a no chain sale is in it's 5th month now. I am losing a large sum of money each month just having it standing there. It is selling for negative equaity and we will have to add that to this mortgage .

I don't like this house but am slowly doing it up. We only just got rid of their old marriage bed 8 years in.

Just don't feel like this environment is my own.

It looks like you have a lot of resentment accumulated. And that DH and DSs are not that great or faultless.

The way I see it, major changes need to take place. They are there for a week at a time, so they have time to do chores. They don't forget.

I'd check before dinner time they have cleaned and tidied up their rooms and bathroom. And other areas they have used. I'd be on top every time they use the kitchen.

Then, they move into the same room, or one takes the box room. Shame about the girlfriend.
Your DD gets proper space to play and a nice room.

Your DH must be on board.

Any resistance and you have to tell them you are prepared to leave, because you are fed up.

I just wanted to post and let you know I completely know how you feel, being in a similar position, I don't think you necessarily have to be depressed to be seriously fed up of the situation. I have also been hearing "they won't want to keep coming for much longer" for years but I too think it will continue forever.
I find 50/50 is really hard once they are old enough to "look after" themselves, it is no longer about contact with the parent but which household will be feeding and ferrying them around at any particular time. Having been on mat leave and then gone part time I am normally the adult in the house rather than H as he is at work, makes the whole "contact" with the parent thing a bit of a sham IMO.
Mine are constantly "cooking" independently too which annoys me as there is double mess plus the toddler can't understand why he can't have micro pizza at 3pm too.
I don't know how you have coped in the ex marital house though, it was not something I could have contemplated and I love feeling our house is "mine" when its just me and DS, just that I feel invaded when everyone else is here!
I don't know if your schedule allows it but have you considered arranging to go away but with your husband, and just inform the teenagers you will be gone on certain dates. The residence order we had actually specified up to age 16 so after that there isn't much anyone can do to force the issue if you/he aren't available for whatever reason.

I had this. I really liked my ds's, had no issues at all with them, but did feel this suffocation thing. Partly because they never ever seemed to go out. Ever.

In retrospect, it was the fact they never went out and the hanging around the house all the time, not them, or my relationship with them.

They've all left home now ( they lived with us permanently) but I remember that sinking feeling when the sink was full of dishes.

I just gritted my teeth, but but, they were lovely with dd who was about the same age as yours at the time, and would babysit her whenever.

So sort of, what goes round, come around. Some of it is just overcrowding IMO. I did read somewhere that blended families need more space than normal families, as they needed more psychological space

They adore DD.

It is the suffication I think. Took DD to the zoo this morning but driving home I was working myself up into a rage. But I managed to get all afternoon alone downstairs with her painting to music while SS 17 did his room and feel a hundred times better.

DH and I have started looking at houses on the web tonight and thinking of getting this one valued and making a plan for moving. I may be signing the contracts for my old house next week. I stuck it out here for the kids but it's time for a fresh start for the new family unit. Gonna look for four beds with two reception rooms etc.

Yay! I'm glad things sound like they are working out for you OP.