What would you think about this?

[gruffalosmile]

Deliberately posting this in isolation, there is a history but not wanting to go into it too much.

I read this about me in a text DH sent to someone else last night "I don't know why I bother staying married to someone who is overweight, never wants to have sex and can't be bothered earning a proper living".

This morning he is being as nice as pie and making me tea, making plans for holidays etc.

We have had issues and been working through them, I thought things were improving. I feel now as if it is all a sham.

Not sure where to go from here.

What would I think? I'd be gutted.

Then hopefully I'd get angry.

How did you come to read the text? And who was it to?

I would tell him you saw the text. See what he says. I saw similar from my ex to his friend in an email once and i confronted him. He made an excuse along the lines of hed sent it a day him and i werent speaking and he was angry.
I replied "how would you like me to talk about the short bald idiot im living with to my friends?!". Mine was an EAer so he is now my ex.
Hope you work things out OP.

Sorry, I know you don't want to go into the history but are these the issues you are working through? Hope it gets resolved to your satisfaction.

What does go postal mean?

Anyway, thats besides the point - i would be devestated OP, are you SURE its about you?

I would be showing him - and asking him to explain himself. Then i'd be packing him a bag

Who had he sent the text to?

I would be soooooo hurt, kick him out and be happy on my own.

You've just had a glimpse into how he feels. Not the show that he is putting on for you, not the way he wants you to think he feels - the way that he is telling others that he feels.

Use it, or ignore it, it's up to you. It's unusual to get a secret glimpse into how someone really feels though. I don't think I could just let it be. I'd make plans to reflect it, because otherwise I thibk he'll probably surprise you with his own plans.

I would honestly call it a day on the relationship.

I hope you are ok.

I would break into tiny pieces on the inside, but on the outside, I'd remain calm, tell him to leave because I 'couldn't be bothered' with someone as mean-spirited, short, ugly, or whatever applies, as he is, then go on a stupid diet, have loads of sex (with someone else), and find myself the best job I could (or start my own business). That is honestly what I'd do - but the hurt would take a LOT of dealing with - hence my rather OTT follow-up actions. What a total shit he is - how DARE he talk about you like that to someone else?

I would assume there was a reason he was trying to make it look like he was happy for the time being - while he lined up his ducks.

I was with someone who said something similar - we were 'trying to fix things as well. It was 'breaking point' for me and I sent him packing. It was hard, it hurt and I spent quite a lot of time wondering if I had done the right thing... it's shit and I am sorry you are going through it.

You know now how he really feels - you don't know why he's not being honest with you and that's hard - but the bottom line is, do you want to stay with someone who feels like that about you?

If be devastated and don't think it would be the same again

Going a bit against the grain here, but I would not necessarily think that what he wrote in the text is his real feelings. It might be his when he's at his lowest feelings or his worst feelings or the feelings he is ashamed of. I think it is awful that he texted them to someone else though. But then who is this someone? If it's a work colleague who he is having an affair with, that is one thing. But an old friend? A sister? A loyal confidante. I think you can say things to people that aren't meant for your partner's hearing. And you can vent and so on. It might be unforgiveable and a sign that it's not worth working on the relationship, but it might not be. Hard to say.

I'm sorry you've read something so hurtful.

Was that to a male friend, female friend, or relatives?

If to a female friend, I'd keep my eyes open.

I think previous history is relevant, although you don't have to talk about it here. What do you think are his reasons for staying if those are his feelings?
Do you think he may be planning an exit?
Does his normal behaviour indicate those are his feelings?

I agree with nkf....it depends on who he sent it to.
It might be an opportunity to talk about how you both feel. Maybe have a heart to heart. Whilst extremely hurtful it doesnt haveto be the end.

I'd repeat the words back to him and see his reaction for starters.

Have you mentioned it to him yet OP? I can't imagine how hurt you must feel.

Reflect upon whether any of it was true. If I really could be 100% honest with myself and concluded he is speaking tosh, I would then consider whether I had a future with him.

I'd tell him to fuck right off.

Oh and I would examine if there was an element of truth in it and act accordingly but I couldn't love anyone who spoke about me to others like that.

Was he aware that you were going through his text messages? If so, do you think that he wanted you to see it?

Who did he send it to?

I suppose it depends on the whole situation. Are you under financial pressure? Are you using the SAH excuse for children well past primary school age when you could be back out working? Is he feeling under pressure?

Im reading his text as desperation, that you aren't making any changes, I might be wrong.

Who did he send it too?

Op! Come back!