What would you think about this?

[gruffalosmile]

Deliberately posting this in isolation, there is a history but not wanting to go into it too much.

I read this about me in a text DH sent to someone else last night "I don't know why I bother staying married to someone who is overweight, never wants to have sex and can't be bothered earning a proper living".

This morning he is being as nice as pie and making me tea, making plans for holidays etc.

We have had issues and been working through them, I thought things were improving. I feel now as if it is all a sham.

Not sure where to go from here.

I agreewith sparkly

This is how he feels. Really hard to read.

I think that for me, the issue is that he sent it to someone else instead of saying it to you.

...because if he said it to you, you could do something about it there and then rather than experiencing the extra hurt of knowing he said that about you to someone else.

I can only write from my own experience, and of course it may not be applicable to your situation. My H over the course of the last year started finding fault with me, criticising both my character and my appearance. I was naturally very upset by this and it led to arguments.
In October he ran off with another woman, who he had been having an online affair with since the beginning of the year.

I think often men who are planning to leave, or want a get out start to paint you as the 'bad guy' in some way because it means they can justify their own planned bad behaviour, they know you don;t deserve to be treated badly, so they have to find reasons to treat you badly to assuage their own guilt. And if you rise to their nastiness, they can use the resulting arguments as another 'reason' to exit the relationship.

I'm not suggesting your Dh is having an affair, but if he is criticising you to another person he might well be playing the 'I don;t want to feel guilty for being a bastard' game, - I hope I'm wrong though.

Hi all and thanks for your messages. I haven't been able to post all day but have been reading them.

The person the messages were sent to were to someone he used to see as a counsellor but whom he keeps in touch with intermittently. He sent them when he was a bit pissed off with me, because I had expressed my displeasure about him being late home due to being out drinking.

I was reading the texts because of the history, basically I don't trust him and check his phone sometimes. He doesn't know I do this and I don't want him to at the moment.

I think my overwhelming feeling is deep sadness. We had a really difficult few years but decided to stay together for the DD's but essentially I think almost all the love between us as individuals is gone. It's like we are acting out the roles of happy parents to keep up this facade, as a family we have good times, last night we had a lovely meal, played charades, watched the fireworks on TV, but when the clock struck midnight he wouldn't even look me in the eye to wish me happy new year. I just feel so bloody lonely.

I do work, I work 3 and a half days a week and do everything around the house. I don't earn a lot of money but am taking a course part time and have plans to start a new career once it is finished. I don't overspend and have always supported him in his career which has been up and down to say the least and included him doing some things which other people thought were crazy but which I supported because I wanted to be a good wife to him.

I am overweight, that's true, but I look after my appearance and always have nice hair/nails/skin/clothes. He tells me he loves my figure, to my face at least, but clearly my weight does bother him.

As for the sex well it's not easy to feel sexy about someone you don't trust and when you have to go to bed alone because he is downstairs drinking.

We went to Relate for a while but had to stop when he changed jobs. I'm not sure it was very good anyway, the counsellor seemed to think that we should stay together no matter what, I didn't feel they were willing to consider alternatives.

Not a very happy new year story is it?

You need to talk to him, and tell him what you've read. Then take it from there. It sounds like your relationship has been through the mill, and I guess the only way to address this is by taking the first step, sitting him down, admitting you read the message and seeing what he says. We all say things in anger but it sounds like there is quite a detailed back story. Good luck.

I wouldn't tell him I'd read it. You need to keep reading. How perfect is he?

Have a talk, ask him outright if he's happy. If he's honest take it from there. If he lies, tell him you think he's lying, take it from there.

I wouldn't want to live with a two faced bastard.

Hmm, I'm not sure the counsellor should be texting him in this capacity anyway. Not good boundaries to become 'friends' with clients, even ex-clients because it can potentially undo good work. I work in he NHS and would be hauled across the coals if a client had my personal number. I know it's different in private practice as I text my own therapist occasionally but only about session times etc

Anyway, that's not really the point I suppose. The problem wirh snooping is that you can't say what you've read because you can't tell them you've snooped, as they would rightly be very upset. So I guess you have no choice now but to sit on the knowledge and watch the way he behaves with you. And yes, talk to him.

I concur with Monty27, JaceyBee and others above that you should try to talk to him, and ask him how he REALLY feels about the relationship; I think you need to see his response.

However, I don't think he will be clear and honest with you. I don't think he actually feels that way about you, I think his head is fried from the drink.
It seems to me that the drinking is a big problem, and that your relationship is not going anywhere until the drink is gone from the picture.
I had a long difficult relationship with an alcoholic when I was quite young, and he did all these things. He told his friends untrue stories about me; he blamed me for ruining his life; he called me fat and ugly when I had just had his baby. 16 years later, I have raised his son on my own, and he lives at the other end of the country, and feels great because he sent 50 quid to his son for Xmas. In this case the drink won.

I was the one who ended the relationship, because it was actually easier without him, even though he had a job and I didn't at the time.

I bet that your money keeps the household going, and I bet that you do everything to keep things going. It might help to look at empowering yourself, and becoming aware of where you might be co-dependant, or where you are unwittingly enabling the drinking.
I have a feeling that there is a lot of control issues under the surface with him, and that you are having a hard time getting to do your course.
He might complain about your dependancy on him, but I bet there is a lot of resistance and sabotage towards any efforts by you to get somewhere. This text seems like a spiteful, jealous little hissy fit.

Did you see whether the counsellor replied? I doubt a proper counsellor would actually respond to that.

It seems to me that a counsellor, or somebody who lifts you up and helps you with your self confidence would help; it is miserable to be sharing a house with someone who is always drinking; with all the attendant mood swings, lying, blaming etc.

It might help to ask yourself
Has he ever tried to stop drinking?
Will he ever admit that it is a problem?

Sorry sent early by mistake.
I think the drink is the biggest problem, because you mention it a few times; and that, and the two faced texting all fit the profile of an alcoholic; also the strange career highs and lows fit.

You are placing a lot of emphasis on how he is feeling; I think you need to put a spotlight on yourself. I understand you are feeling sad right now, but that text was unfair and untrue; you really need to see how much you are doing; how you are the engine that drives the family; how you pull it all together. You need to see how wonderful you are; and to stop giving him attention; instead to put your energy into yourself. He is getting far to much attention

Lots going on here....

But there's two crucial aspects here, one already discussed; why is his drinking a problem to you?

And why don't you trust him? Why are you checking up on him covertly?

I'm thinking he was unfaithful to you, and nothing has ever been the same since. You can't move on from it even though you have on the face of things forgiven him, you just cannot feel the same sexually about him anymore, because he has tainted and sullied everything.

This probably hasn't helped you control your weight either, because of low self esteem.

He's drinking too much because he's disillusioned and frustrated with his lot, which helps nothing and no-one and just compounds the way you feel.

As for the working thing, he can take a running jump if your work three days a week and do everything in the house and for the children.

If the source of the original problem (e.g. him being unfaithful) was him, then as far as I'm concerned he has no right to complain and he should be looking at himself for the solution.

Currently it sounds like he's still trying to shift the blame onto you in order to justify something he did that changed things forever.

I think if you've had Relate and counselling and you are both still fundamentally unhappy then it's time to call it a day. Personally I think there is a point past which no amount of Relate is going to put the love/trust/magic back, and you should release one another from the feeling of failure and emptiness when you just can't do it.