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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

do you ever feel jealous of the relationship your DH has with DD

50 replies

thatlldonicely · 01/01/2014 11:52

me again - not having good day today - suggested i go to counselling with DH but he has said he wants to go on his own - thought i may get more of an insight into what is going on -he says he will tell me but its not quite the same is it & now im suspicious that he may have something to say he doesnt want me to hear.

Another thing that has been bugging me and was one of the reasons i started questioning what is going on was the amount of time Dh will spend with dd - on a holiday this year i became aware that he would always hold her hand rather than mine - she is 12 so doesnt really need it - he will spend ages with her looking at photos & they always snuggle up together to watch films. Normally i would think this is a great relationship but i am starting to notice it more & more & not liking the way im feeling.

have FIL for lunch again & really just feel like i want to get back into bed

OP posts:

CaptainSinker · 01/01/2014 12:17

Hi thatlldo. I haven't read your other threads so excuse me if there is a backstory I don't know. My DD is younger (2.5). DP dotes on her, loves kissing and cuddling her. He and I don't hold hands and kiss nearly as much as I would like. However I don't feel jealous of their relationship. I hope that they continue to have the same love and affection forever, I don't feel children grow out of needing affection from their parents.

It feels like other things are bringing you down. Try if you can to value the relationship between your husband and child.

CaptainSinker · 01/01/2014 12:19

Have you thought of going to counselling by yourself? You don't have to take the lead from your DH. Your feelings count too!

BlackDaisies · 01/01/2014 12:50

When you say you don't like how you're feeling what exactly do you mean? Do you mean you are jealous because they are close, or that you are worried about their relationship?

Twiggy71 · 01/01/2014 13:05

In my case thatlldonicely the more my exh detached from me the closer he got to our dd. It was if he was getting a lot of his emotional needs met by our dd and he was further pushing me out our dd. was 10 at this stage.
It came to the point when he said our dc were more important than myself and that they came first before me always.

I think it was another way of EA me by belittling me and putting me down and that I was nothing in his eyes. It hurt like hell but I knew it wasn't my dd's fault and he told me that she was the only one that gave him any attention.

We are now divorced and I see now what he was doing but couldn't at the time. I don't know if what your feeling is similar but he is doing it to hurt you.

stowsettler · 01/01/2014 13:12

I think if you had a happy relationship with your DH you'd delight in such a lovely relationship. As it is, it's just highlighting to you how inadequate your own relationship with your DH is.
I'm sorry he doesn't seem to be on the same page WRT mending your marriage

MuttonCadet · 01/01/2014 13:15

Sorry if this is insensitive, but I don't know any backstory. Surely when you are parents to children then the children do come first until they're adults. But I would expect both parents to feel like this.

I have always had a close relationship with my dad, with my mum we lost an understanding of each other when I was 13-16 (ish) but we spend an awful lot of time together now and have a wonderful relationship (I'm in my 40s).

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA · 01/01/2014 13:18

I dont have time to post now but will mark my place for later as I often feel left out too. I think its a common thing - i love the relationship they have but im very much on the outside of it even though im the primary carer.

Teeb · 01/01/2014 13:20

Agree with mutton, I'm forever reading on mn that we should put our children above our partners, there's no reason at all why it wouldn't be true for the man.

zippey · 01/01/2014 13:25

I think the natural order is children first, partner second and close family third, followed by friends.

enderwoman · 01/01/2014 13:25

Do you have other dc? What was your h's relationship with his parents like? What is your relationship with your dd like?

shartsi · 01/01/2014 13:53

My DH is very close to our DDs and i regret that my dad died when i was a baby and I did not grow up with fatherly love/ affection. I am not jealous of my DDs, i am glad they have a loving father.

FluffyJumper · 01/01/2014 14:54

Mu Ex has a great relationship with our DD, very close. I used to feel jealous, but my relationship with her has improved loads since we split up.

wontletmesignin · 01/01/2014 15:40

Did you have a close relationship with your DF as a child?
Could that be why you are having these feelings surrounding this issue?

I agree with the suggestion of therapy for yourself

Original poster

thatlldonicely · 01/01/2014 15:49

thanks for your replies and I look forward to hearing your comments Lemonce - i wouldnt say i am jealous more what Twiggy said - when the kids werent here for a week he avoided me as much as he could - i have a DS too (twins) and he doesnt spend anywhere as much time with him - i have a good relationship with dd too its just that if we are out somewhere he will hold her hand sit with her etc its very much like she is no 1 & im no2 - i have observed other families and unless the kids are young it mostly seems that the parents are together with the kids tagging along behind. even DD was saying he should be holding my hand when we were on hols - i am really getting fed up - he seems to be treating me with such irrelevance im really starting to doubt that he wants to make things work

OP posts:

matildamatilda · 01/01/2014 15:57

What stands out a mile is that you're concerned about your daughter being sexually abused yet you're talking about your own jealousy.

I'm not sure what you mean by snuggling up to watch a movie together. Maybe you mean sharing the setteein which case could you not just squeeze in with them? But if they're actually snuggling under a blanket together, then yes, I think that's a bit strange for a 12-year-old girl and a father. And walking around holding your father's hand at 12? Againkinda strange. I know some families are very snuggly but the typical 12-year-old girl gets shy. Unless she's being groomed as someone's Special Girl.

I hope I'm dead wrong of course but you're the one who's bringing it up. It sounds like your gut is telling you something. Is it worth bringing the issue to a counsellor, maybe spending extra mom-and-daughter time with daughter to see how she is?

HermioneWeasley · 01/01/2014 15:59

Matilda, are you joking?

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 01/01/2014 16:05

Matilda,

I snuggle up with 11 yr old DS (almost 12), sometimes we walk arm in arm or hand in hand for a bit.

It is not sinister, I just really love it that he is not ( yet) too big for this.

I kiss him and tickle him too.

Just wanted to mention it, as sometines I think people see paedo's everywhere and there is no room for normal healthy affection towards one's children once they are a bit older.

matildamatilda · 01/01/2014 16:07

No, sorry if I was too crude about it but the OP said, "I'm not liking the way I'm feeling" when she notices their constant physical closeness and his focus on her. I thought that meant she had a gut feeling that something inappropriate was going on.

I'm not saying give the girl a complex about her Dad. Maybe it's nothing. But if there's a gut feeling there, at least the OP can acknowledge it to herself.

Yeah, I think a 12-year-old girl snuggling with her Dad is kinda off. And it looks like the DD feels similarly uncomfortable if she was like, "Shouldn't Dad be holding your hand Mum?"

matildamatilda · 01/01/2014 16:12

Your 11-year-old DS will probably want less of the snuggling once he hits puberty, which I think is kind of what you're saying.

I hope it's nothing and yes, I like the idea of the whole family just snuggling down to a movie.

But the OP's implying a gut feelingand she's there and we're notso it's worth at least recognising that.

HermioneWeasley · 01/01/2014 16:15

I still hold my dad's hand.

Physical affection is normal in healthy families

IHateWinter · 01/01/2014 16:18

Do you mean that the love your DH is showing for your DD is more akin to an 'in love' type of love rather than a familial fatherly affection? Am I making any sense?

Do you feel like he has transferred those feelings he had towards you onto DD? I have read about something like this. An autobiography by a woman who actually fell in love with her father, and interestingly, when growing up, her father demonstrated more love and romantic affection for her than her mother, and they both left her mother emotionally out in the cold. It wasn't sexual (at first), but emotional.

She subsequently grew up belittling and vying with her mother and had trouble with other male relationships growing up as none of them loved her like her father. I read it yonks ago. I'll see If I can find the book can't remember the title.

There is a difference in treating your daughter like a princess and treating her like the queen IFSWIM.

Regardless, I think your situation is unbalanced and unhealthy and creating resentment. I think you should follow your gut feelings and instincts and speak openly about how hurt you are. Don't stand for it.

matildamatilda · 01/01/2014 16:22

Of course it is. I hold my Dad's hand too.

I think you know that's not what I'm talking about.

The OP is hinting that both she and her daughter are uncomfortable at the amount of attention. She has a bad gut feeling. She's there and we're not.

One of the reasons abuse remains hidden is that the few times it does occur, people don't want to see it and say things like, "I thought they were just affectionate!" So I'm just trying to acknowledge what the OP herself has put out here.

Twiggy71 · 01/01/2014 16:39

Its not the attention he gives thatlldonicelys dd that is the problem its the affection and closeness that he's sharing with dd when he gives his dw none.

He knows he is detaching from his dw and getting some emotional wellbeing from his dd. I don't know if he's doing it to punish you in some way but my exh did the same and i feel it was to put me in my place and hurt me.

I don't know what else is going on in your relationship op but I doubt that's all he is doing.

Original poster

thatlldonicely · 01/01/2014 16:46

Matilda you are way off the mark im not hinting at that at all - my daughter is not uncomfortable with the amount of attention she receives - i think she wanted dh to hold my hand as i think she could tell i was upset that he didnt seem to want to.
Yes Ihatewinter - i think that is what im saying - the princess & queen is exactly it - do you remember the name of the book - he knows i am hurt but seems more concerned about getting his own feelings sorted first - i just needed to know whether what i thought was going on wasnt me being paranoid - so thank you

OP posts:

matildamatilda · 01/01/2014 16:51

Sorry then, I misread you.

He's still using her in a mean/insincere way and she can feel it. It sounds miserable all around.

I don't know what your practicalities are, can he move out on at least a temporary basis?

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