do you ever feel jealous of the relationship your DH has with DD

[thatlldonicely]

me again - not having good day today - suggested i go to counselling with DH but he has said he wants to go on his own - thought i may get more of an insight into what is going on -he says he will tell me but its not quite the same is it & now im suspicious that he may have something to say he doesnt want me to hear.

Another thing that has been bugging me and was one of the reasons i started questioning what is going on was the amount of time Dh will spend with dd - on a holiday this year i became aware that he would always hold her hand rather than mine - she is 12 so doesnt really need it - he will spend ages with her looking at photos & they always snuggle up together to watch films. Normally i would think this is a great relationship but i am starting to notice it more & more & not liking the way im feeling.

have FIL for lunch again & really just feel like i want to get back into bed

Twiggy - it all started 2 days before xmas when after being pushed he told me he wasnt sure how he felt about me anymore & had been deliberately avoiding any conflict as didnt want to admit to it. i have been feeling as though something has not been right for a long time - just total lack of interest in me and prob put it down to work pressure etc but had started to notice other things - such as relationship with dd - and im just trying to rationalise what is going on & get some perspective on all the things that have been niggling away at me.

ok Matilda - he wont move out - we went through this before xmas - he is going to see a counsellor but wants to go on his own - he said we can then go together if i want - he just seems totally wrapped up in himself that i really cant believe he wants to make this work - it was me who said that i felt things have not been right since last xmas but having just spoken a bit more he seems to be saying it could be longer than that . he doesnt know why he let it out - he said maybe it is to do with his DM dying - i said it is more likely thast his resolve has weakened since her death and thats why he couldnt contain it any longer

If it is normal behaviour, the OP would be included in the hug too, at times.

I guess that is what you are sort of saying too?

It is odd if one member of the family is excluded from the love-in

No.

I know a DF and DD who acted like this - sitting on her father's knee at 12, wrapping herself round him etc etc - he loved it. Everyone else we both knew commented on it as faintly cringemaking.

I found it ewww. But there was nowt untoward going on and she is now married with kids herself.

The issue is your relationship with DH, not your DD's - there lies the work. How is it between you? What are you scared will happen?

Thatlldonicely I think you should sort out counselling for yourself to look after yourself too. And don't let it all be about him and his wants and needs. What about you?

He has you stuck in limbo and he is calling all the shots and just letting you hang on until he figures out if he still wants to be married to you.

I know that Twiggy but dont know what else i can do - part of me thinks just wait it out - if he reaches the decision he no longer loves me then that will be that

i do have a concern that all the financial stuff is dealt with by him & all accessed via his computer - i have no idea about passwords etc - we have talked about him putting something in place so i have details but this was more for death not this and just not got round to doing it - i have left myself vulnerable - if i ask him now i dont know hell react and as soon as i start thinking about things like this i start panicking

Give him a time limit this can't go on indefinitely it will make you ill.

how long do i give him - i think he's taking the p out of me - his DM died in July so hes also dealing with that - im so confused as to what i should be doing - hes now asleep in another room with DD - i dont think he has any idea what this is doing to me even though he knows i had to get sleeping tabs to get through the first couple of days. I am already on ADs - another story - & have got these increased to get me through this - im starting to doubt how i feel about him now - he did this to me once before 15 years ago - although then the line was i wasnt the same person anymore- after id gone through a stressful situation at work which meant that i was offsick for a year

I dont think the issue is thier relationship. If you and your dh had a strong relationship then you wouldn't feel this way. My jealousy is more to do with wanting a closer relationship with dd rather than dp. It is hard though I went from being his princess to being mum. But dont we all.

I understand how you feel, but in a sense I think it's because I did not have a close relationship with my dad. How was your relationship with your dad? if you don't mind me asking -
I think it becomes a problem if he starts undermining you in front of her, making decisions together and leaving you out then you won't have the authority you need as a mum and both of you as parents.
I am experiencing this at the moment. where he will look to her and ask her what she wants to do rather than the both of us talking as adults and making an adult decision together. He also undermines me when I tell her off and doesn't understand that one of us will need to be that bit firmer.

I had a good relationship with my dad i think its more that he chooses to get close to her and completely ignores me

I think because my father abandoned me when I was 6, I do sometimes feel pangs of jealousy of 17 year old DD's relationship with DH just because I never had anything like that iukwim, more sadness for what I missed out on that jealousy really. I am very happy that DD has her Dad even though she mainly creates arguments with him now and tells him to get lost/shut up/ etc (he takes it in good humour) but they are close and he buys her jumpers and shirts as she steals his!

He admitted he detached from her physically a bit as she went through puberty, didn't feel right hugging her as she has boobs, stopped the play fighting they used to do but they still have an emotional bond obviously. He used to plait her hair and spend ages making funky hairstyles for her from toddlerhood (better at it than me) and he will still do that if she asks!

Thatlldonicely what was you relationship with your own dad like?

Oops cross posted.

Sorry...only joined mn today and am reading different topics to see what its all about. However, can anyone advise what dd, ds and other abbreviations mean? Thank you.

Trixie,
DS-dear son
DD- dear daughter
DH-dear husband
DP-dear partner
Etc., etc., etc.!

Thatlldonicely don't be too sure that he doesn't realise he is doing it. Why don't you tell him what you wrote above that you've had to increase your medication and your taking sleeping tablets to cope with not knowing whether or not he wants to be with you.
Doing this once before is bad enough but here he goes again. Funnily enough my exh used to tell me regularly that I had changed but I could of turned myself inside out and it still wouldn't of pleased him. I think they tell you this so you will keep doubting and blaming yourself.

Twiggy he knows - that was the first thing i had to do the monday morning - he even got my prescrition for me- im afraid i got angry with him last night telling him that because he had lied i didnt know whether i could trust him anymore - we have made a big thing about the kids always telling the truth no matte what & he lied becasue he was scared of the consequences - like a child - i then had to take 2 sleeping tabs otherwise i would never have got to sleep - im angry that his behaviour has done his to me & i had to increase my AD after being on a minial amount for years

Did you just say that your DH is sharing a room/sleeping with DD who is 12 years old?!

I am sorry but this is totally inappropriate and very unhealthy.

Having seen your other threads, the whole situation is fucked up and is impacting on your DC as well as you.

Take action please before the DC are even more messed up.

Please tell me they are not sharing a bed?!

Have you talked to your dd directly?

Missscatter dont know where you got that from but i think you need to read it again - my dc are not at all messed up - thanks for all your comments checking out now

hes now asleep in another room with DD

Have re-read it and this is what you have said...

Apart from how odd and icky this is, what must the DC think of him not sleeping with you?

DC are modelling their future relationships on you both and I am afraid that what you have said on here, it does not bode well at all.

(at 18:58 on 1st Jan)