Mil provides no emotional support. Am I being unrealistic?

[Mapleissweet]

On the surface my mil is a nice person. She involves herself in her village life and helps us out with our 4dc sometimes who she loves very much.
Dh is her only child and we have been together for 20 years. She is pleasant to me but never ever asks me anything or listens to anything she says.
She provides no emotional support or shows much interest in me. This varies from things like how my births went, breastfeeding, my job, my family, stresses of working, organising family life, my friends, money issues etc. If I try to engage with her I get minimal response and she won't respond by asking any questions.
Yet she will whitter on and on about the most irrelevant, mundane things and it am starting to feel resentful about it. She is only in her 60s so not old and she has been like this for a long time.
I hosted Christmas and spent ages preparing lunch which isn't easy when you have 4 dc including a toddler to care for. She didn't acknowledge the effort beyond saying the 'Turkey was nice'.
Does your mil provide any emotional support? I feel quite angry about it given how busy and stressful my life is.

If she helps you out with practical things, I wouldn't worry about it, I think plenty older people witter about themselves and don't ask anything about you! Get your emotional support from elsewhere, and realise the older generation aren't interested in breast feeding or birth stories. Enjoy her company and help for what it is.

It doesn't sound as if she is doing anything bad, she just doesn't want (or isn't able) to engage with you on the deeper level that you want.

Are there other people in your life from who you can get the emotional support that you need?

Can you adjust your expectations so that when you see MIL you don't expect anything more than banal chitchat or practical talk about the children?

I wouldn't say it's "the older generation" necessarily, just some people's personalities (older or younger).

Yes you're being unrealistic. She's only your MIL by accident of marriage. She's nice to you and that's really her end of the bargain held up. She's not your mother, your best friend or your counsellor. You're really lucky she even likes you.... many don't get on with DILs at all. Don't you have friends or family of your own to have deep and meaningful chats with?

Maybe she doesn't want to come across as an interfering mil?

To be honest if she's helping you out a bit with the kids and you don't feel like you want to staple things to her head most of the the time the time then I think you're already winning.

I can't stand either my dm or my mil!

Well, if she's always been like this, it's probably unrealistic to expect her to change now.

I think you should try to appreciate her for what she does offer.

I don't know if it's a generational thing. My mum is lovely, but doesn't really do emotions. I think she may be a bit insecure and struggles to be confident with talking about anything beyond her own immediate experience (e.g. when I had a miscarriage, she was obviously sad for me, but didn't say much beyond she hadn't experienced it - and gave me a big squeeze).

Having said that, my dad also struggles, but after years of no hugs, I decided just to give him a cuddle when we saw him at Christmas, and the world kept turning (he even called me "love" ).

So perhaps you could also try out a few non-verbal signs of affection on your MIL?

Great, let's start the new year slating your mil.

Hopefully for your sake none of your 4 kids are boys.

I think u are somewhat unreasonable,
Count yer blessings, you could have a much worse MIL !

I don't expect meaningful chats or deep conversations just interaction beyond basic level. For example if I was to say oh I looked round a nursery for dc4 today, I wound expect that most people would say 'what was it like?' Whereas mil would say nothing. Or when I started a new job, people wound say 'how us it going? What are your colleagues like'. Mil will say nothing.
Yet she could talk and talk about her friends etc who I will never ever meet. I see her about 3 times a week and she will never ask anything or respond to something I have mentioned. I don't thjnk she likes me, but tolerates me. I also feel she is competitive with me which is bizarre.

Yes I think you're right. It is a generational thing. They're not used to opening up about things they don't understand. But it is frustrating that they don't even try.

So she's not interested in you and finds it difficult to talk to you..... and? Why are you taking it so personally?

There is cold indifference and there is a polite distance. She is affectionate with the DCs and helps out so I don't think MIL is intentionally being awkward. Maybe DH is the only thing you two have in common. I had this with my MIL so probably not astonished by it.

I take it personally because she comes round 3 times a week, never encourages me when I am feeling stressed and overwhelmed.
I have 4dc and work in a demanding job. I have even a loving and supportive wife to her ds. I feel she takes everything I do for granted and expects our life to be like the Waltons.
She could be worse, but a little acknowledgement would have been nice at times. Isn't it what family's do, support each other.

You are lucky to not have an interferring MIL I can assure you mine was a dragon to say the least what she did not know about children you couldn't write on a stamp !! Have you thought maybe she is frightened of saying something more on the personal level as she has not been brought up that way ?was her life at home with her son or did she go out to work ? my darling mum stayed at home and she was not involved with my childcare etc when I worked as she thought I had it all covered,she never asked about births etc as she was of an age that she thought it was not a subject open for everyday discusion,I truely don't think she realises how stressful you feel why not try explaining to her how you feel,she may shock you and be glad to be more involved,but be careful what you wish for

Your expectations are totally unrealistic. That's what the problem is, not your MIL.

I don;t have a MIL so perhaps its not ideal for me to comment but your post reads like someone complaining about their DH's lack of support. Why do you expect your MIl to be grateful for what you do for your DH and childrne?

No she doesn;t sound very supportive. Some people aren't. But she is who she is and has been for 20 years and she isn;t going to change now. She sounds a delight compared to some MIL's.

You can't change her but is there something you can work out with DH to alleviate the stress you're under?

This says a lot more about your mindset than it does about her.

Turn it into a positive - you have a job, a husband and 4 children. Plus a mil who actively helps out. Just engage in the topics she wants to talk about and look elsewhere for the support you say you need.

I have known my MIL for over 20 years, and I have had the same three conversations with her over and over again for 20 years.

She likes me well enough, she loves the kids and DH, we have never fallen out, and she has shown quiet support during bad times. However, she knows nothing about me personally, where I work etc, and she has no interest either. Its a running joke with DH that we could be running a knocking shop and be gun running from this house, and as long as the kids are ok and talk to nanny she couldn't care less!

It used to upset me that a woman who should be important to her is totally irrelevant to her, but I couldn't give a shit anymore!

I also think you are unrealistic, I think polite, supportive, helping with the kids, not interfering or giving her opinion on your life decisions and family is actually the way to go. Perhaps to achieve this, a natural closeness is sacrificed, but that's something that is individual to two people, whether you become friends or not and not something to be expected. Perhaps she doesn't click with you as a friend, perhaps she's a little self-centred, but I don't think she is doing anything wrong.

I am not emotionally engaged with my MIL, but given she's extremely manipulative and very destructive, I consider this a bonus!

IME people do what they can with the resources they have. Some people are good at emotional support but not in a position to help if you needed to borrow money. Some people might be right on it if you need something fixed, or other practical help but can't cope with someone crying. And many other combinations.

Hopefully you have other people in your life who can provide emotional support. I don't ask my skint friends to lend me money and I don't ask my computer free ageing mother to help me with IT.

She is who she is. She doesn't sound like a bad person just not maybe as demonstrably appreciative or effusive or maybe uncomfortable with the 'intimacies' you would like to be in your relationship.

In all honesty your MIL sounds my idea of a dream. Courteous, friendly, non-intrusive, interested in the kids... honestly, I'm not sure what exactly is wrong? She's not your mum or your friend, she's your MIL, and she sounds like she's got a good balance between not interfering, but being part of your lives, to me. I'm sorry if I'm missing something but I am honestly not getting what she's doing that upsets you?

I could write horror stories about my own MIL that would make your hair curl (she said our wedding day was the worst of her life, worse than her own mother's funeral, because she knew she would never again come first with my husband. She said this on the day, to my mother. And then got so drunk she threw up, which she tells everyone, to this day, was my fault because the meal wasn't served until 2). And trust me, compliments on my Xmas dinner would be nice - any compliments would, actually, on anything, ever. She carefully explained how much she prefers her own homemade muesli recipe to my turkey at the table this year.

I don't think families actually do stand around all day applauding each other on what a great job they're all doing. I think they just get on with it largely. If you don't like her being round so often and if you find her constant wittering irritating, why don't you reduce the visits? I live 200 miles from my own DM for roughly that reason....

I don't think it is unrealistic to show kindness and support to the person who makes your ds happy and cares greatly for your dgc.
If when my dc get married, I would hope to support them all how I could and I would be thankful to my sil and dil for what they do for my dc and their family. I will ask my sil and dil about themselves and give encouragement where needed.
But I agree I think my generation are more in touch and open with feelings. I think the older generation do not have any experience of current family life where the norm is both parents working and the impact that has on the family.

I don't believe it's a generational thing at all, I'm probably only about ten years younger than your mother in law, you are making her sound ancient. As others have said, that's just the way she is and you have to accept her as she is. So yes you are being unrealistic....