Mil provides no emotional support. Am I being unrealistic?

[Mapleissweet]

On the surface my mil is a nice person. She involves herself in her village life and helps us out with our 4dc sometimes who she loves very much.
Dh is her only child and we have been together for 20 years. She is pleasant to me but never ever asks me anything or listens to anything she says.
She provides no emotional support or shows much interest in me. This varies from things like how my births went, breastfeeding, my job, my family, stresses of working, organising family life, my friends, money issues etc. If I try to engage with her I get minimal response and she won't respond by asking any questions.
Yet she will whitter on and on about the most irrelevant, mundane things and it am starting to feel resentful about it. She is only in her 60s so not old and she has been like this for a long time.
I hosted Christmas and spent ages preparing lunch which isn't easy when you have 4 dc including a toddler to care for. She didn't acknowledge the effort beyond saying the 'Turkey was nice'.
Does your mil provide any emotional support? I feel quite angry about it given how busy and stressful my life is.

OP - am I being unrealistic?
Everyone - yes.
OP - no I'm not.

You've got it all sorted then haven't you.

Ask her the kinds of questions you would like her to ask you?

She might pick up the hang of it after a while. Tell her often how much you appreciate her too!

Thank you. I have a bit more perspective. I am fortunate on many ways and she won't change.
The issue is that I am the one who is prob changing. I no longer have the patience or interest to listen to mil when she will never return the interest to me and I am trying to manage the hectic life I have.
I feel resentful that she doesn't acknowledge how tiring working and family are and juggling all the balls and I'm just not interested in listening to her, so I'm probably putting distance between us.

Mapleissweet the thing is, she may not approve of all the things you do. You are assuming that if she started showing an interest and started talking, that you would be closer and it would be supportive. But if you read any of the MIL or indeed parental threads on here, you will see that such conversations are often very fraught and come over as judgmental. Perhaps she thinks you shouldn't work, perhaps she thinks you shout a lot, you do not necessarily want to know the content of her mind just as she perhaps doesn't want to know yours.

It's easy to imagine this heartfelt loving relationship between DIL and MIL but reality tells us that it is often not like that, just as our romantic relationships are not usually the same as the idealised hearts and flowers. She is who she is, she helps a lot, if you don't like being around her, perhaps keep away from her a bit more and let her get on with it as the children get older, but you can't demand emotional closeness where it doesn't really exist. And, by being there and saying little, that may be her version of support, even if it doesn't feel supportive to you.

She sounds like my mother.

Stiff upper lip, don't dare trespass into emotional terrority, be pleasant.

That's the British way.

Mil has never worked and only had 1dc. I think I'm bejng unrealistic to expect her to understand what pressure a large family with both parents working can bring. I think I'm struggling with it and just finding it all too much.

I guess what she would say to that is - "Why?"

Have you talked to your DH about how hard it all is at the moment? Sod the MIL, does he know you're struggling with all the responsibilities - have you looked at trying to find ways to lift some of the pressure from you?

I really don't want emotional closeness. I just want her to respond to something I say in a normal conversation way.
I will say something and she doesn't respond.
She will then start talking about herself again.

She chose to have one child, which probably meant they could survive on one salary.

You chose to have four children, and perhaps consequently a demanding job to finance it all. She is probably completely bemused as to your decisions.

Those type of women don't like soul-searching or belly-aching...

That sounds like the crux of the problem - coping with the stress.

What's your husband's role in family life and supporting you?

Does your DH appreciate you juggling DCs, home life and work?

My dh is great. He works hard and has the same frustrations with his DM, although he can do no wrong.
I've been with dh since teens and I'm just disappointed that throughout all that time, I have had no words of encouragement or praise of any sort.

I'm in my 60s and would say this definitely isn't an age or generational thing!

My ex mil was similar to yours, helpful in a practical way, but showed no interest whatsoever in me and was the last person I would have gone to for emotional support. None of her own children would have either because she just wasn't able to give it.

I think you're expecting too much of her really.

He may work hard outside the house but does he pull his weight at home?

Or are you just determined to spend the rest of your life with a grudge against mil...

Of course it's not a generational thing.

Yy to what NonnoMum said.

Do you have a mother of your own to provide encouragement and applause? Friends?

Not really. My mum, when she was alive, didn't supply emotional support to my husband, either.

Yes. You are being unrealistic. Not everyone will like you and/or be able to offer the kind if support you want.

I agree I have to accept mil for who she is. It's very difficult to have conversations with her when it is so one sided. It has come to a head as I have started to ignore her when she speaks, which I know us rude, but I don't have the patience and I no longer feel as though I should listen and respond when she doesn't give me the same courtesy.
I suppose it is my change in behaviour that has effected things and mil can sense it.

It just sounds like her personality. Agree with the poster who said you might not necessarily welcome her views. Can you get support elsewhere? You don't need to indulge her if she is taking up your time with lengthy stories. Just get on with what you are doing and let her chat away...

Seems to me that you're strugglign with everything you have to do, and that might be as much of a problem as the MIL's lack of personal interest. Which no, isnt going to change.

But perhaps it could be worth looking at ways to get help with the amount of stuff otherwise that you have to do? a cleaner for example. Also maybe, accepting MIL for what she is, is there anyone else you can speak to for emotional support / stuff?

I don't see my DM often as she lives far away. I have lots if good friends who are supportive, but not in a 'family' way.
I know I will be a mil one day and not perfect by any means. But I hope to support, love and encourage my dc and their partners in any way I can.

sorry x-posted! If she is going on can you just say "I'll just get on with the ironing while we chat?" or "Could you help me with these vegetables while you tell me about Maureen..".