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Original poster

Kids hate their nana... and I don't blame them!

44 replies

girlynut · 31/12/2013 20:45

DP and I both work full time so rely on both sets of grandparents to help look after our two DSs (8 and 4) after school and in holidays.

My MIL is a real pushover and let's the boys get away with murder. Sometimes this can be problematic but I put it down to grandmother's prerogative.

My mum, on the other hand, is the opposite. I wouldn't mind if she were just strict, like my dad, but she's often just mean and bullying. If one of the boys gets upset she'll mimic them and call them crybaby. She gets cross at the slightest thing and just yells at them. Her blood pressure is through the roof because she gets so angry all the time. She won't spend any time "doing things" with them and expects them to play quietly all the time.

My in-laws are away for the next month so my mum will be having the kids more often and this fills me with dread. She had them all day on Monday and reported that they'd been awful and rude to her. So today I sent them to her with puzzles, books, DVDs, arts and craft stuff and tickets to the local soft play. I also got the boys to help draw up some rules about behaviour and explained they'd only get gaming time at the weekend if I got a good report rom nana.

Apparently they were really good whilst my dad was there but when he went out it all went downhill. He came home and my mum had got a stick from the garden "just to threaten them with"!! When I questioned ds1 he said they'd been watching cartoons happily but nana changed the tv so she could watch neighbours. I'm not really surprised they played up. Angry

I know my kids aren't angels and can be hard work but I'm so cross that she treats them like this. She's 73 and won't be here forever and I'd like my boys to have fond memories of her. As it is, they refuse to kiss or cuddle her and tell me that they hate going to hers.

I've recently attended some voluntary parenting classes at the school, mainly to get some pointers over sibling rivalry, and it's really made me think about better ways to communicate with my children e.g. Using positive encouragement, giving them choices and consequences, being more nurturing and less critical. I've tried to share these techniques with my mum but she just smirks and rolls her eyes. She thinks naughty steps and reward charts are nonsense.

She was like this when I was a child (I distinctly remember her being too busy watching Knotts Landing to hear about my first day at high school!) but she seems worse as she gets older.

I guess the solution is to get a childminder or some other arrangement but I wonder if anybody has any suggestions on how to get her to, I don't know...."like" her grandsons more. Sad

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 31/12/2013 20:49

She might like them more if her relationship with them was as a Grandmother rather than childminder.

Lazybones12 · 31/12/2013 20:51

Agree - get a childminder

HoneyandRum · 31/12/2013 20:52

I agree with Blanche this situation is not working for your mum or the kids, it's a lot to ask of any 73 year old let alone one who obviously is not the greatest with kids. I think, find an alternative.

dozeydoris · 31/12/2013 20:52

She sounds as though she might be feeling put upon which is making her impatient, but you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear and it doesn't sound like she was such a considerate mother in the first place.

Onesleeptillwembley · 31/12/2013 20:56

Do your kids a favour. Stop the spoiling and get a childminder.

Thetallesttower · 31/12/2013 20:58

I have one grandparent who is a great childcarer and brilliant with the kids, and one who is visits and holidays only. I think you have to accept that this isn't suiting your mum or the children. She may prefer just to see them for a couple of hours rather than provide childcare, have fun, take them to the park with you and not have to care for them herself.

Grandparent care can be great if it works well for all parties, but it isn't working here and the onus is on you to remove them from the situation and relieve her stress- ffs, she's threatening them with a stick, can't you see this is not ok?

mistlethrush · 31/12/2013 20:58

You can't leave your sons with her any more than you are- and I would really question leaving them for the amount of time that you are leaving them with her for.

My parents look after my 8 yo occasionally - they would never consider watching 'their own' TV programme when DS was in the room - mind you, TV is only in use if something else 'interesting' isn't being done - we've been there for the last 5 days and he's watched an hour in all I think - he has done lots of drawing and painting, made a model trebuchet with his grandfather and planted some bulbs as well as plenty of walking and other stuff...

sparklysilversequins · 31/12/2013 21:00

She got a stick to "threaten" your children with? Shock

They'd never go there again if that was my mother. It's very telling that the trouble only started after Grandad left isn't it? No witnesses.

She sounds disgusting.

HissymasJumper · 31/12/2013 21:01

Put upon? Put upon?

Put upon is not getting a fucking stick or mimicking or mocking them.

OP, your mother was a cow to you, why on earth do you think she'd be any different with your own children.

Your children hate her! You know how rare that is? Really?

Stop this thing right now and never ever allow her to have them again.

Get a cm, or find holiday clubs for them. Could you ask another school mum to have them on occasion too?

Anything but what you're arranging for them with your mother!

I'm sorry, this is awful I know, but you know your children don't deserve this!

HissymasJumper · 31/12/2013 21:02

I'd find a use for that stick, let me tell you, and your dm wouldn't like it one bit, not even when she'd managed to extract it.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 31/12/2013 21:03

Good god.
dont leave your kids with her, get a childminder! Honestly. Read what you've written.

I dont think she wants to be your childcare and even if she does, shes got no business being it!

MadBusLady · 31/12/2013 21:04

She just sounds a bit horrible TBH. Do you really want someone threatening your boys with a stick? It's nothing to do with age or generation if that's what you're thinking, there are plenty of 73yos who don't behave like this towards their grandchildren.

They're not going to have fond memories of her and that's entirely her own fault. You've offered her new tools and the opportunity to change, and she doesn't want to know. Stop putting them in her care.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 31/12/2013 21:08

If you need free childcare then use your parents only when your Dad will be there (it sounds as if he would keep them safe from her more batty options) if you can possibly afford it, talk to your inlaws, see what suits them and arrange childcare around that, then try to work on a better relationship between your children and your Mum, it's not too late - but it will be an uphill battle and quite frankly, one I wouldn't bother with - she was crap with you and crap with them, I'd do what was necessary to enable them to have a good relationship with Dad, that's all.

Having said that - a 4yo & an 8yo should have better manners/behaviour than to play up when an adult puts an adult program on the tv - we certainly did at that age, we didn't like it, but we behaved properly (a family member looked after us too - distant aunt who was paid to do so - it was boring and we didn't like it, but needs must).

TheGreatHunt · 31/12/2013 21:10

Why are you using her for childcare?

Your poor children. You should get different childcare ffs.

MadBusLady · 31/12/2013 21:11

With regards to the television incident (and any other incident come to that) frankly I wouldn't trust your mother's account of what happened.

FunnyFestiveTableRunner · 31/12/2013 21:16

I feel sorry for both parties here tbh. She does not sound like she wants to be a childminder any more than your children want to go there. Do everyone a favour and get some proper childcare.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 31/12/2013 21:18

I think your kids will thrive with a childminder rather than with your mother. I know that childcare is expensive (I use a cm for my dc) but if I lived nearer my parents, I would still use a cm. I think boundaries need to be put in place and the best way to do this is not to rely on gps so much for childcare.

Thurlow · 31/12/2013 21:25

I agree, why are you using her for childcare? Confused She has threatened them. They don't want to be there. Look at childminders or afterschool clubs.

Original poster
girlynut · 01/01/2014 02:12

Thanks everyone. We rely so heavily on the gps for child care because of the expense of other options. I leave home at 7am and get in at 6pm. DP does the morning school run and works until 5.30. So we'd need at least 2.5 hours each day which isn't cheap. Plus I've just taken a huge paycut to retrain in a new career so things are tight anyway.

But I do recognise that something needs to give. I'll look into getting a childminder for maybe one or two afternoons and see if we arrange something else with friends and family on the other days.

I think ds1 school has an after school club too so it might be easier if she's only got one of the boys (they are calmer when separated!)

I don't have concerns about her being physical with them, other than perhaps a clip round the ear. I just don't think she has the patience or tolerance to know how to handle two energetic and bored little boys. My dad said it was "six of one and half a dozen of the other" so it's no secret that she's winding them up and vice versa.

[sigh] This bloody working parent shit is rubbish sometimes!

OP posts:
Chottie · 01/01/2014 06:04

OP - so glad to read that you are making other arrangements. Your mother is obviously unable to cope. It's not fair on your DCs either.

TheGreatHunt · 01/01/2014 06:50

Good that you're making changes. Are either of you entitled to childcare vouchers?

Also even if you're mum isn't physical her words will be hurtful at the very least.

scallopsrgreat · 01/01/2014 07:02

But mocking and imitating and calling them crybabies is so cruel girlynut. That isn't going to change is it?

Auriga · 01/01/2014 07:20

My mother was (still is) very unpleasant to my DD at times (not physical). She lives with us, but I used to get an agency babysitter when we needed one, even though she was in the house.

It helped to let Mum know that the babysitter was in charge - don't think I would have felt able to go out otherwise. I didn't want her to be an authority figure for DD because I knew she would be overly harsh.

I agree with others - you may find your mother is nicer to the boys when she has no responsibility for them.

Dominodonkey · 01/01/2014 07:50

Don't see the problem with her turning the tv over at all. The entire world shouldn't have to revolve around children and their wants. They could have just played with something else. I agree with other posters though - if it's stressing her out and them as well you need to find another alternative. It was only once a fortnight or so it may become less of a chore for her .

Dominodonkey · 01/01/2014 07:51

Have you considered the fact that they get away with too much with you. You expect them to play up because the tv has been turned over. I am sure many parents would not.

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