Kids hate their nana... and I don't blame them!

[girlynut]

DP and I both work full time so rely on both sets of grandparents to help look after our two DSs (8 and 4) after school and in holidays.

My MIL is a real pushover and let's the boys get away with murder. Sometimes this can be problematic but I put it down to grandmother's prerogative.

My mum, on the other hand, is the opposite. I wouldn't mind if she were just strict, like my dad, but she's often just mean and bullying. If one of the boys gets upset she'll mimic them and call them crybaby. She gets cross at the slightest thing and just yells at them. Her blood pressure is through the roof because she gets so angry all the time. She won't spend any time "doing things" with them and expects them to play quietly all the time.

My in-laws are away for the next month so my mum will be having the kids more often and this fills me with dread. She had them all day on Monday and reported that they'd been awful and rude to her. So today I sent them to her with puzzles, books, DVDs, arts and craft stuff and tickets to the local soft play. I also got the boys to help draw up some rules about behaviour and explained they'd only get gaming time at the weekend if I got a good report rom nana.

Apparently they were really good whilst my dad was there but when he went out it all went downhill. He came home and my mum had got a stick from the garden "just to threaten them with"!! When I questioned ds1 he said they'd been watching cartoons happily but nana changed the tv so she could watch neighbours. I'm not really surprised they played up.

I know my kids aren't angels and can be hard work but I'm so cross that she treats them like this. She's 73 and won't be here forever and I'd like my boys to have fond memories of her. As it is, they refuse to kiss or cuddle her and tell me that they hate going to hers.

I've recently attended some voluntary parenting classes at the school, mainly to get some pointers over sibling rivalry, and it's really made me think about better ways to communicate with my children e.g. Using positive encouragement, giving them choices and consequences, being more nurturing and less critical. I've tried to share these techniques with my mum but she just smirks and rolls her eyes. She thinks naughty steps and reward charts are nonsense.

She was like this when I was a child (I distinctly remember her being too busy watching Knotts Landing to hear about my first day at high school!) but she seems worse as she gets older.

I guess the solution is to get a childminder or some other arrangement but I wonder if anybody has any suggestions on how to get her to, I don't know...."like" her grandsons more.

This isn't about turning the TV over Dominodonkey

Agree with reducing time with them to absolute minimum and ask that your dad look after them and not leave them alone with her.

She's too old to be looking after kids for more than a couple of hours, you're going to have to find childcare.

Can y imagine the schools reaction when your kids say nana threatens them with a stick!!???

I don't expect children to be threatened with sticks, no matter how much they play up DominoDonky, what a weird attitude!

Sounds like your mother is a pretty vile person but also a very resentful one. I suspect that she didn't enjoy motherhood much first time round (a lot of women of previous generations just had kids because it's what women did) and she's enjoying it even less now that she's older and has less energy.

I really appreciate that you work very long hours and money is tight but I think you need to stop relying on her for childcare. Having grandparents to help out is great but it is a privilege not a right. It might be time to totally rethink your whole work and lifestyle situation. Also, she may stop short of hurting your DC physically, but psychological abuse can be just as damaging.

Good luck. I hope you find a solution that works for you all.

actually i dont see why they should tantrum when the tv channel is changed. and you are not really surprised you say.

but apart from that example the rest doesnt sound very nice at all.

perhaps she will like them if she spends less time with them. dont use her as an unpaid childminder. at 73 it isnt working out is it.

if they all see each other less and without her having the responsibility it may solve your problems.

Childcare is expensive but you manage, it's what most of us do. No way in hell would I leave my son with anyone who treated him that way just to save money. If you're on a low income then tax credits may help, otherwise you will have to reshuffle your budget and make it work. You cannot send your children to someone they hate who threatens them!

Childcare is expensive but you manage, it's what most of us do. No way in hell would I leave my son with anyone who treated him that way just to save money. If you're on a low income then tax credits may help, otherwise you will have to reshuffle your budget and make it work. You cannot send your children to someone they hate who threatens them!

^This

Who told you about the stick - is it possible that this has been misconstrued?

Agree with others though, this is clearly not working for either party. Also surprised that your children played up because the channel was changed; did you speak to the children about why that is unacceptable?

Who told you about the stick - is it possible that this has been misconstrued?

Agree with others though, this is clearly not working for either party. Also surprised that your children played up because the channel was changed; did you speak to the children about why that is unacceptable?

I don't have concerns about her being physical with them, other than perhaps a clip round the ear. I just don't think she has the patience or tolerance to know how to handle two energetic and bored little boys.

A clip round the ear, as you call it, is being physical. What you are saying is it's ok for your mum to hit them round the head. If she hasn't the patience or tolerance to look after them then for goodness sake, don't ask her.

I don't have concerns about her being physical with them, other than perhaps a clip round the ear.

This would be completely unacceptable to me and I wouldn't leave my child with someone who I thought might do this. The general bullying is also enough for me not to use a GP as regular childcare - my DS will not be left with my F for similar reasons.

I think you have to consider that your expectations/standards for how your sons should be cared for by your M are too low - probably because of the way she brought you up perhaps by bullying you . You wouldn't continue to use (I hope) a childminder who treated your sons like this, why should they have to put up with this treatment because they are related to the bully?

Apart from anything else, it sounds like she doesn't really want to look after them. She doesn't enjoy their company. Maybe she'd be a better GM if she wasn't doing childcare. Or maybe she wouldn't, but at least you'd have damage limitation of them spending less time with her alone.

I'm glad you are looking into other childcare options. People who don't live near relatives can usually manage something, even on low incomes. Hopefully you'll find these options more affordable than you'd imagined. Ask other families you know with similar working patterns what they do.

Yeah, my father's mother had no interest in grandchildren so we just stopped seeing her except at Christmas. Was more relaxing for all of us that way.

Cross posted with Lois

By the way, I only asked my parents to babysit once, when my daughter was two.

When I came home at about 11, they were both asleep in the front room in front of the telly, and my daughter was watching Dirty Harry. When I say asleep, more like drunken stupor. And there was an unguarded gas fire.

Never again.

I suspect you don't really see how badly your mum is treating your children because you yourself was parented by her..

You need to get alternative child care and not use your mum.

Have you room for an aupair? I have one and it would really solve the wrap around childcare needed here. Dh and I work an average 80hours between us so I completely understand your situation. An aupair costs me just £70 a week to look after my two dcs and she works a 33hour week for me with free lodgings etc.

I would limit the time with your parents. If it was me, I'd rather take a loan out to pay for dedicated childcare than have my children be in that kind of hostile environment.

Sorry but did you consider your childcare when you opted to retrain? Childcare is expensive but presumably the retraining was a choice as is your childcare options? You either need to review your budget to pay for childcare, decide to put retraining on hold until childcare is not required or put up with the free childcare available (which no one seems to like) . Sorry if this seems harsh, but the reality is you made a choice to retrain whereas your children have no choice over childcare options, either tell your 4 and 8 yr olds to suck up nannas behaviour (which appears questionable when you were the child and unlikely to change) or make that change on their behalf!