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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Spending time with former in laws

27 replies

theeverydaydancer · 31/12/2013 18:15

They are not technically in laws as I was never married to my ex but we do have a 2yo DD together.

Have just come back from spending a few days at my ex's mums house (with my ex) so that my DD could spend some time with her extended family over the holiday period. I feel she is too young to go on her own so for the time being I am going up with her. His family live quite far away (a plane journey away) so also don't like the idea of being too far from her.

The ex's family is always quite friendly with me, although I always sense an underlying tension. For example a few times when I walked into a room some of them were in it would all of a sudden go deadly quiet making me think they were talking about me. Also my gut tells me something is slightly off from their body language or the way they talk to me etc.

I'm quite a shy/anxious person anyway but I find these visits so stressful. Its also not easy being round my ex so much, we don't get on that well.

I think I was able to hold myself together whilst I was there but now that I am back I feel like I am having a delayed stress reaction to it all. I just feel anxious, stressed and angry.

I think the point of my thread was really just to vent and get it out.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 31/12/2013 18:19

Is your DD with you?

paxtecum · 31/12/2013 18:20

Dancer: That must have been a difficult few days for you.
How often do you do these visits?
Hope you feel better soon.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 18:24

I don't think you need bother keeping up the contact tbh. It's your ex's job to do that. Of course they're all talking about you.... you're in the enemy camp!!! Don't go back.

FunkyBoldRibena · 31/12/2013 18:24

Hot bath and wash it all away.

You are bound to be anxious. If it didn't feel weird then THAT would be wrong.

Just think of yourself as having dodged a bullet.

Original poster

theeverydaydancer · 31/12/2013 18:25

I only do these visits about twice a year. I only stay for a few days which is about as much I can take! It was very difficult. I feel that I would be selfish to not allow ex to have her see his family. I think its good for my DDs sake as well to spend time with her family. I just couldn't bear to be so far away from her for so many days so I feel my only option is to go too . I have asked my ex for alternative accommodation i.e. b&B for me but he says he can't afford it and nor can I. My DD came back with me. I'm already dreading the next visit (which won't be until the summer hopefully). All I want now is a big glass of wine...

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 18:28

Twice a year is twice too much. 'A few days' is excessive. Of course there is another option i.e don't go. Ex grandparents have zero rights and you have no obligation to them or your DD to force this contact. If they're so keen on DD, why don't they visit you at your place for an hour or so? Let Mohammed come to the Mountain.... Like normal grandparents?

oldgrandmama · 31/12/2013 18:31

Agree with Cognito.

TheRobberBride · 31/12/2013 18:32

I personally think this is too much to put yourself through. If the grandparents want to see your DD why can't they fly over?

I am on fairly friendly terms with my ex MIL but there is no way I would ever go and stay in her home.

FunkyBoldRibena · 31/12/2013 18:33

I agree, tell them you can't do it and they will have to come to you, stay with their son and see her there.

Original poster

theeverydaydancer · 31/12/2013 19:22

my ex's mum is a carer for an elderly parent and therefore cannot get time off easily. The other family members don't have the same excuse though. I just feel like I would be depriving DD and ex of spending time with his family etc. I feel like I would be being selfish and feel guilty.

OP posts:

Kitttty · 31/12/2013 19:26

Maybe they don't want you to be there either? Do they invite you specifically? Do they keep in direct contact with you and your daughter through-out the rest of the year? How are they with your daughter when you both visit - more than indifference?

Your daughter has all her life to build a relationship with her GPs - would leave the approaches for the time being to come from your ex and his family. I think that you have done more than enough.

Spend your precious time and money with your daughter in other ways

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 19:33

When DD is big enough to spend time away with your ex, he can take her to see his family. She won't remember anything at this age

Original poster

theeverydaydancer · 31/12/2013 19:46

What age would she be old enough?

OP posts:

DontstepontheBaubles · 31/12/2013 19:55

My Ex in laws live in Scotland, 8 hrs drive away. It's now 4 years since separation from their son. I go up with my DCs to see them. Twice a year. I know exactly what you mean to the feelings. My MIL can be quite toxic so I like to be there tbh. ExH sometimes takes them up instead, when he can get time off, I go on my own usually.

No advice but it's getting easier as the years go on and I plan to send DD up without me by being escorted on a plane in a year or two. MIL spoils her. As my son has Aspergers I'm not sure I could ever send him without his Dad or I, as the in laws don't understand it or him and can make things worse for him at times. But DD I can see no problem.

RandomMess · 31/12/2013 19:59

Does your ex look after dd by himself usually?

perfectstorm · 31/12/2013 20:00

What a bloody impressive mother you are, to be willing to endure that to protect your child's family ties. Hat off to you - I couldn't do it. And yeah, the reaction must be huge now it's over. Thank God it is, and you don't have to put yourself through that again in the near future (hopefully ever, as she gets bigger).

FunkyBoldRibena · 31/12/2013 20:01

That is not your problem.

perfectstorm · 31/12/2013 20:02

Agree they should come to visit their son and visit you there. Staggered you've been so generous to them really, especially as it hardly sounds as if they appreciate it. But you do sound lovely to be willing to do this for your child. I couldn't.

pumpkinsweetie · 31/12/2013 20:05

I also agree with Cogito re they should come to you.
It isn't your job to keep contact established, if they want to see your dd so badly they will make time to get to you.

randomAXEofkindness · 31/12/2013 20:15

Wow.

Don't go. Your intentions are good, but I just don't see how this could work well for you or your dd. Surely she feels the atmosphere and stress too?

You'd have to be a machine to carry on with it.

Ponyphysio · 31/12/2013 20:19

I really feel for you OP - it must be so difficult for you. I still see my ex in laws and I'm very close to them. They love my little boy and have really taken him (and his dad my new DH) to their hearts. But I appreciate I'm very lucky to be in this situation. Guess it makes up for my non-relationship with the current in laws!!

Cabrinha · 31/12/2013 21:00

I think you need to reassess whether she's really too young to go alone.
I went back to work when my daughter was 13 months, and regularly did 3 days away for work (2-3 times a month). Probably easier to start younger with obviously you can't do. But she was with her father and she was fine.

bountyicecream · 31/12/2013 21:07

It depends on the in laws and possibly how amicable the break up was. My cousins ex-wife spends one week on holiday with my aunt and uncle so that their ds can be part of an extended family holiday. My other cousin and her husband and daughters go too. The ds is 13 so it's clearly not an age thing. I think they genuinely still get on and there is no animosity. The big family holiday is a fortnight. My cousin goes for the first week only and his ex-wife for the 2nd. It seems to work for them anyway.

Fairylea · 31/12/2013 21:19

How often does your dd see your ex? If she has a good relationship with him then I'd step back and let him take her to them on his own. I split up with my dds dad when she was 6 months old and he saw her every week several times so I was quite happy for him to take her to visit his parents for the weekend sometimes.

I think it depends on the contact arrangements. If he hardly sees her then just don't go, they will have to come to you.

Original poster

theeverydaydancer · 03/01/2014 22:51

My ex sees DD a couple of times a week and since this summer has had her on average 2 nights a week. So she is quite happy with him.

I think by summer I may be more comfortable with allowing him to take her on his own for a few days. It is just so unbearable for me. I'm still reeling from it

OP posts:

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