Has anyone out there managed to reignite sexual attraction for their DH?

[purplegadget]

My DH and I have been together for 17 years, married for 14. We have three children aged 7, 9 & 12. I'm 47 and he's 53. It's a second marriage for both of us.

My problem is that I'm no longer sexually attracted to him. I lost all my sex drive when the kids were small, tired all the time, felt like sex was another demand on me etc. When my sex drive returned I didn't fancy him any more. He's put on quite a bit of weight and I know it is shallow but I just don't find him physically attractive.

When we have sex, he wants it often and doesn't get it as much as he'd like, I'm often gritting my teeth on the inside, sometimes I just dig my nails into my arm to distract myself from what's going on. It sounds so awful but it even feels like I'm being abused sometimes. I feel so bad. He's a good man. He doesn't deserve this.

My first marriage ended badly (no children) my first husband was lazy, selfish and controlling. This is not like that. I went off my first husband sexually too, I'm worried that this is just how I am that I get bored, that I'm shallow.

This has been going on for years but came to a head this summer when I had a brief passionate affair with a work colleague 12 years younger than me. That is now over for good, he's gone. I found him incredibly physically attractive, the chemistry between us was intense, the sex was fantastic on the very few occasions we were able to be together. We were so in tune in a way that I haven't been with anyone else, ever. DH doesn't know about the affair.

I know that the affair was not 'reality' but I'm also aware that unless I can fix the problem with my lack of sexual desire for my DH I am vulnerable to another affair in future. DH deserves more than this and the thought that 'this is it' for the rest of my life isn't something I want to live with either.

Has anyone been here and actually managed to recapture sexual desire? If so, what worked for you?

Thanks

This sounds like it's gone way past reigniting sparks and that your DH deserves a bit of honesty. Not about the affair, necessarily, but about the way you feel. To carry on pretending things are OK to the point that you have to dig your nails into yourself to endure having sex with him is not doing anyone any favours. You're right... he deserves better and so, frankly, do you.

If I thought my husband was gritting his teeth and hurting himself to not think about having sex with me then I would want to know and I would want to move on myself. Sorry. I think your chances of recapturing the magic especially while having sex with hot young blokes is probably nil.

Yes, I know that I need to have that conversation, not about the affair (I think confessing is often about making the offender feel better by unburdening themselves so that's mine to live with) but how I'm feeling. He knows things have been bad but not how bad. I know I need to give him the choice of what he wants to do too. I'm not ready yet and I need to be ready. I'm starting to get some counselling next week.

I just wondered whether anyone has managed to pull things back from the brink.

Pm'd you

Why are you enduring sex rather than training him to satisfy you? It's no wonder you don't fancy him any more if you aren't satisfied sexually.

My husband is a big bloke but I crave sex most nights because not only do I love him and want to express that, but I've also trained him on what I like and it's a rarity I don't climax.

IMO, people who aren't attracted because of appearance only do so if they aren't physically satisfied by the feeling that sex gives them or lack of mental connection so those 2 areas need to be examined.

Plenty of couples pull things back but not without honesty, communication and a shared commitment to making the relationship work better. Currently you're doing none of those things and are even anticipating a repeat affair. He has no chance of fixing anythiing if he isn't even aware there's a problem.

Yes. Pulled things back. But not got to your stage. The affair will have made it harder because you have reinforced the need for thrill and intensity in your sex life (yes, when I had an affair briefly before dh, it was as you describe). Sex in those conditions is very different and it did all wear off after a year our so, so it's not about the person, but the thrill. In terms of me and dh, wet gave come back from the brink, very little sex for a very time (years). I would say I am more fulfilled sexually

Sorry on phone! Can only do short posts. More fulfilled sexually than in my life, and want sex more too. Must of the difference is dh bucking up his ideas on terms of satisfying me. It's taken a long time of talking and a really long time for him to change, but he has! We seem to be in a place where we are both happy and satisfied, no one is craving something they're not getting. I can see us having great sex when we're 80, which I could not have seen a couple of years ago.

I think this has gone beyond fixing and you need to end it for both your sakes.

You do need to talk to him, and to let him find someone who will love him. You can then put it about freely with whomever you like.

I don't think you are "giving him the choice" if you don't tell him about the affair though.

"He's put on quite a bit of weight and I know it is shallow but I just don't find him physically attractive"
I don't think you're shallow, perhaps just recognising that you have a physical sexual type that your DH used to be but no longer is. I'm the same; although I can still love a partner if they've piled on the fat I simply stop lusting after them, and that does effect my sex drive (with them). However, if they are lovely partners and also good lovers I can shut my eyes and ignore the fat and still get my rocks off. But I simply find the look and feel of a wobbly fat body a turn off.

Does he press all the right buttons sexually? I mean, is it a case of he doesn't know how to turn you on, consequently leaving you unsatisfied? What is he like with you outside the bedroom? Do you love him as a person but find the weight gain too much to look past?

Unfortunately I really do think the affair was a serious mistake because this hot younger man has now raised the bar which your DH won't be able to reach. I understand the thrill of sex when there's intense sexual attraction; I recently had a fuck buddy who had the most wonderful toned body (just admiring him naked was foreplay to me) and I couldn't get enough of him. I'm mid 40s (same age as my FB), thought I'd lost my libido, but oh no, I was like a horny teenager with him, something I hadn't experienced for a great many years due to putting personality first and having out of shape partners.

This is going to be one of those situations where the husband finds out the wife cheated and can't understand why because he thought they were happy. He has no idea what is going on in your head, you need to talk to him.

Firstly, tell him that the sex has to stop for now, whilst you sort out how you feel about him. Feeling like you do whilst having sex with him will damage you emotionally and perhaps mentally so you must stop.

Tell him that you feel you have lost the emotional connection with him, maybe, so that it's not too brutal for him. Then you need to explore your relationship. I think you might need a counsellor to help you, on your own at first and then maybe as a couple.

In answer to your question, no I couldn't do it. But physical attraction wasn't the problem so much as he had been so horrible to me over the years and had worn me down so much I couldn't bear him near me.

Fairenuff - Thank you for your post. I concluded that I needed counselling over the weekend and have a session arranged for Monday. It is true that I have lost the emotional connection with him, I'm not sure how that fits in with the physical attraction but I know it's all bound up together. I had that emotional connection with the OM and it is harder living without that than the great sex.

I think my DH knows something is wrong, there have been other emotional traumas in my life in the past few months and he's probably putting it down to those. But, the sex thing has been going on for years - he knows that's not great but I suppose like me he's got used to it and thinks that's just 'how it is'.

I know that I've been stupid to let myself become attached emotionally and sexually to the wrong person. We have no contact now. I miss what I was getting from that relationship and I know that it is damaging my marriage and family life that I feel the way I do. Which is why I need to sort myself out.

LividofLondon - you're so right about the physical sexual type. Before the affair I was kidding myself that what I had was 'good enough'. He doesn't press all the right buttons. I've told him things I like but he never does them, I've told him things I don't like but he keeps doing them presumably because he likes it. I kind of let him get on with it now as it gets it over with.

Out of the bedroom he is not affectionate, he doesn't do caring things for me or give me compliments about anything - things I do, how I look nothing. Before the affair I was trying to do those things for him so he might follow my example. We make a pretty good team around the house and with the kids but I feel like I am living with a brother not a lover.

I know I have to tackle this and speak to him. It's hard to find a suitable time when we'll have long enough without the kids around. And, I'm afraid of the consequences. I feel that I need to be properly prepared.

MerryMarigold - good to hear a success story, that you have managed to get things back. Not from such a bad position as I am in maybe but it gives me hope. Thanks

"I've told him things I like but he never does them, I've told him things I don't like but he keeps doing them"
"Out of the bedroom he is not affectionate"
"I feel like I am living with a brother not a lover"

No wonder you can't stand having sex with him, it's far more than you not physically fancying him anymore now he's fat isn't it You say you need to chat to him but are "afraid of the consequences" ...what "consequences"?

Purple, we came close to letting it all go and separating. Sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy go hand in hand. Its hard to have one without the other, a bit chicken and egg. I was petrified the first time we had sex, I think it had been 2 years since we even kissed because I had no libido or attraction. In my opinion you need to be honest with him, including the affair. He may choose to leave, or to work on things, but I don't think you can have such a huge secret and expect any emotional intimacy. It will be a long, hard slog, maybe a couple of years sifting through this, but it could work.

MerryMarigold - Thanks. Re. telling him about the affair, I've read professional advice that confessing to an affair isn't necessarily the right thing to do. It depends on the motivation maybe? Sometimes it is a selfish thing to do because it makes the offender feel better to share the burden but it spreads the pain to the offended against partner. Having said that, I understand what people have said about giving him the choice. I will need to talk it through with my counsellor.

Also, because of the rare circumstances surrounding my affair it would be quite easy to identify the other party if you wanted to from a few simple facts. I know he was at fault as much as me. But he broke off contact with me because it was stopping him from fixing what's wrong in his marriage (no sex, she doesn't want him - familiar story) so he's trying to do the right thing.

Yes, I know I need to get my priorities right but I would find it hard to dump him in it right now. And yes, there is an argument that his wife has a right to know too.

It's so complicated isn't it? What a tangled web..?

LividofLondon - There's pretty much always more to most things isn't there?

Consequences and potential consequences:

Top one by a long way - impact on DC. Their lives are happy, they live with both their Mum and Dad, all they have to worry about is school work, occasional fall outs with friends or whether their favourite football team wins or not. When I open up to DH about how I'm feeling (especially if I confess to the affair) the potential is there for our relationship to turn very bad. Impact on the kids could be massive. I know there are impacts on them now from what is happening to me but compared to what there could be I believe they are a lot, lot less.

Other consequences/possible consequences in no particular order of priority just a brain dump:

DH will be hurt
DH was asked to leave by his first wife - he doesn't deserve to have to 'start again' yet again
I'm afraid of his anger and disappointment with me
Possibly he will leave me/ask me to leave
Financial strain if he leaves
Practical issues if he leaves - childcare, practical arrangements with kids
Most of my friends would think badly of me (yes, probably deserve that but doesn't stop me being afraid of it)
Family will think badly of me (ditto)
The stress will make it hard(er) for me to function at work
This is not what my life is like (ironic)

Another major one is that once it's 'out there' I have to deal with it. Right now the pain is contained, I'm suffering it. Yes, some of it is leaking out. It's like a leaky box of horribleness that I'm holding the lid on. I feel like I'm in control (not that I really am fully) but once I let the lid open the consequences are out of my control.

I'm not saying that's the right was to feel, just that is how I feel.

I would very gently approach your DH and talk to him about how to get back to his normal fitness level. Does he healthily? Does he drink too much? Does he do any exercise?

I think that once his physical appearance improves, you will find him attractive again. It's worth a try!

You will find that here in mums net, whenever a woman is told by her other half that they are not attractive anymore due to overweight, all replies are to LTB. I disagree with this and your post is proof that it goes both ways.

As long as things are approached tactfully and not in a hurtful manner, then your partner should take it on board and do something about it.

Yes. We've pulled it back I hope but only in the past couple if weeks.

Sometimes it takes you being on the verge of losing someone to realise what you have & need.

Can't really say more as its painful, dh is very ill & it's early days for us. Lots to forgive but neither of us had an affair although we hadnt had sex since last April until lastcwe.

As for the weight, I understand its a factor in attractiveness but believe me- the alternative can be too awful to contemplate.

purple - do you love him? At all? As a partner, not as a live in co-parent. I think you must because you don't want to hurt him but how much?

I do know the problems with having no libido and a sexually inconsiderate partner - mine is just not good at sex, and really I have tried suggesting different ways to do things but it just doesn't happen/work, so I too grit my teeth and get it over with, as infrequently as I can get away with.
I'll know when I don't love him any more because that's when I'll tell him how awful he is at it - just now, I don't want to hurt his feelings that much.

I've told him things I like but he never does them, I've told him things I don't like but he keeps doing them presumably because he likes it. I kind of let him get on with it now as it gets it over with.

Out of the bedroom he is not affectionate, he doesn't do caring things for me or give me compliments about anything - things I do, how I look nothing. Before the affair I was trying to do those things for him so he might follow my example. We make a pretty good team around the house and with the kids but I feel like I am living with a brother not a lover.

I was coming on here to say yes, it's certainly possible, attraction has gone up and down and up and down over my marriage... but you absolutely need couples' counselling to address those. The second is habit, but the first - real sexual selfishness - is IMO culpable. I'm not condoning your affair for a second: IMO you leave, if things are that bad, you don't cheat. But if you want to save the marriage you also need to sit down and work out what is missing for you and be blunt with him about his ability to improve those areas too. Having sex with someone you feel takes you for granted and uses you will feel abusive, yes, because you're being used as a fuck toy and that isn't what it's meant to be like. It's a fundamental form of marital communication and if it's as you describe it will dislocate, rather than increase, emotional intimacy.

I think you need counselling alone and together tbh. And I think you need to think very seriously about whether he has the right to know of the affair, because the pain was caused when you chose to do it, and at some level he probably knows something is very wrong. But that's your decision.