Has anyone out there managed to reignite sexual attraction for their DH?

[purplegadget]

My DH and I have been together for 17 years, married for 14. We have three children aged 7, 9 & 12. I'm 47 and he's 53. It's a second marriage for both of us.

My problem is that I'm no longer sexually attracted to him. I lost all my sex drive when the kids were small, tired all the time, felt like sex was another demand on me etc. When my sex drive returned I didn't fancy him any more. He's put on quite a bit of weight and I know it is shallow but I just don't find him physically attractive.

When we have sex, he wants it often and doesn't get it as much as he'd like, I'm often gritting my teeth on the inside, sometimes I just dig my nails into my arm to distract myself from what's going on. It sounds so awful but it even feels like I'm being abused sometimes. I feel so bad. He's a good man. He doesn't deserve this.

My first marriage ended badly (no children) my first husband was lazy, selfish and controlling. This is not like that. I went off my first husband sexually too, I'm worried that this is just how I am that I get bored, that I'm shallow.

This has been going on for years but came to a head this summer when I had a brief passionate affair with a work colleague 12 years younger than me. That is now over for good, he's gone. I found him incredibly physically attractive, the chemistry between us was intense, the sex was fantastic on the very few occasions we were able to be together. We were so in tune in a way that I haven't been with anyone else, ever. DH doesn't know about the affair.

I know that the affair was not 'reality' but I'm also aware that unless I can fix the problem with my lack of sexual desire for my DH I am vulnerable to another affair in future. DH deserves more than this and the thought that 'this is it' for the rest of my life isn't something I want to live with either.

Has anyone been here and actually managed to recapture sexual desire? If so, what worked for you?

Thanks

I hope that the counselling on your own helps. Is it with relate? does he know you are going? and why? Do you see yourself being able to have counselling together at some point.

Does the lack of affection and kindness in your relationship not grate as much as the bad sex? Have you discussed the lack of affection bit with him?

Plenty of couples pull things back but not without honesty, communication and a shared commitment to making the relationship work better. Currently you're doing none of those things and are even anticipating a repeat affair. He has no chance of fixing anything if he isn't even aware there's a problem.

I'm acknowledging that unless something changes I'll be vulnerable to making the same mistake. I am I planner, I know myself, I need to know what I'm going to do and how. And, yes, we need those things if we're going to fix this.

I'm starting counselling on Monday. Someone asked if DH knows, no he doesn't. I will tell him but I need to start to sort myself out first.

*I hope that the counselling on your own helps. Is it with relate? does he know you are going? and why? Do you see yourself being able to have counselling together at some point.

Does the lack of affection and kindness in your relationship not grate as much as the bad sex? Have you discussed the lack of affection bit with him?*

No not Relate, I found a private counsellor. As I said in my previous post, he doesn't know. I think of he knew how badly I was feeling he'd probably go for counselling but it's not something he'd naturally consider.

Yes, the lack of affection is as hard as the bad sex - both are entwined together. Also, the lack of interest in me, shared intimacies etc. The sex and interest/intimacy vacuum was filled by the affair and I miss the interest/intimacy more than the sex tbh. Affection was sporadic in the affair - I think it enabled him to feel less bad about it if he could tell himself it was 'just sex'.

No, I've not discussed the lack of affection with DH either. I know I need to address it all.

purple - do you love him? At all? As a partner, not as a live in co-parent. I think you must because you don't want to hurt him but how much?

Do I love DH? I've asked myself this question a lot. I wouldn't describe myself as in love with him. I care for him and don't want to hurt him or pull the rug our from under his life. That's what's kept me quiet about how I've been feeling all this time.

How much do I love him? I don't know is the simple answer. Does that really mean 'not much'?

I know I am not good at 'straight talk', I hate upsetting people and have always been a 'good sensible girl' and done the 'right thing' until now.

I can see now how damaging not speaking up about how I was feeling has been. But changing my behaviour is not going to be easy after almost 5 decades. I'd managed to change a bit before all this happened though - my daughter is a great example to me, she 'tells it like it is' but without being accusing or feeling guilty about it. I'm hoping counselling will help me.

I think his weight is the least of the issues here. The chemistry between you and your dh is that of platonic friends.

Cheating on him just means that the focus was taken away from that relationship and all your emotional and sexual energy went on another.

Whilst at the time the affair was immediately gratifying, there is a price to pay, OP and you now realise the potential consequences of that decision.

If you could go back to a time before the affair and not cheat, would you?

If so, there is a possibility that you could work on your marriage. You would have to stop all sex and be completely open and honest with your dh.

You would have to tell him about the affair, accept 100% of the blame, without trying to excuse yourself and tell him whatever he wants to know about it. Only then can the two of your start to try and rebuild the relationship, if he wants to.

Then you can both get some counselling and eventually work on the emotional connection, with a view to building a mutually loving sexual relationship.

Personally, from what you have said, I very much doubt that you will get that back and I think you will both be happier in the long run if you separate now. If you are going to do that then there is no need to tell him that you cheated as there is nothing to be gained from it and it will only hurt him more.

Fairenuff you're right that the chemistry between us is that of platonic friends from my side. That is how it was before my affair and had been that way for several years. My mindset before was that it was 'good enough' - I've been in a very bad marriage before.

If I could go back in time would I not cheat? That's a hard question. My feelings are changing. A couple of weeks ago I would have definitely said yes, I'd still have done it. Now? I think I'd still say yes, I'd still have done it. But, I can imagine that if asked again in a few months' time I might say no, I wouldn't. It's still very recent and real.

I'm getting counselling on my own. I've had one session. He doesn't know.

I suffered a double bereavement (mums my own age) at the time my affair was ending and my mum has been seriously ill so DH will be putting the way I am down to that which it partly is. I don't even know how much of how I'm feeling is to do with the affair and how much is 'everything else'.

Part of the way I'm feeling is definitely down to the impact of the bereavements - 'you only live once', 'is this all there is to my life?' etc. etc. Also, the funerals were so moving and I wondered 'What if it was me who had died or him? What would we say about each other?'

My counsellor is very much of the opinion that I should not tell DH about my relationship.

Have to go - DD needs me...

I think he should LTB, isn't that the advice when it's the man who has had an affair ?

Only just seen manaboutthemaison's comment.

To automatically see LTB as the correct reaction to an affair is wrong whether the offender is a man or a woman. It's not a case of 'one size fits all'. Circumstances vary massively. I always thought this - now I know it.

Oh dear.

Sorry, you really need to tell him it's over.
You have consistently lied to him; he's not been the partner you want; you're not the partner he thought he had.

I'm a bit about He's put on quite a bit of weight and I know it is shallow but I just don't find him physically attractive - if it was a man saying that he'd be ripped a new one.

I know we don't do guilt on here, but really he'll have to leave.

How are you placed to share child care?

I'm a bit hmm about He's put on quite a bit of weight and I know it is shallow but I just don't find him physically attractive - if it was a man saying that he'd be ripped a new one.

Absolutely agree that a man saying that would get a very tough time or a woman saying her DH felt that way about her would be told LTB and how he 'should live you the way you are' - we can't help who we do/don't feel physically attracted to though. I can't 'make' myself fancy someone whether he's my DH or anyone else.

The lack of sexual attraction on my side is no doubt tied up with all that other stuff that's gone/going on in our relationship. Maybe if it was just him being out of shape without the other factors it would be different.

I can see where the OP is coming from. My wife is and has always been a lovely slim, tall size ten. I love her dearly but she knows if she put on a lot of weight, I would not find her so physically attractive (she feels the same if I put on a lot of weight). Neither of us find overweight people attractive and while my love for my wife would not change I know I would find her less attractive. As another OP said, what turns you on turns you on.

I'm a bit hmm about He's put on quite a bit of weight and I know it is shallow but I just don't find him physically attractive

If it was a man saying that he'd be ripped a new one.

I've never understood why. You can't force someone to remain sexually attracted, and if part of that is because of a change physical appearance then why does it make someone a horrible person?