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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

best for the kids?

43 replies

onemorerose · 30/12/2013 22:44

Any advice or opinions welcome. I have 2 dc with my ex. We split 1.5 years ago but have a 3yo DD and a 2mo DD who was conceived while we were living apart and had very very occasional sex.
The relationship we have now is generally good. We are living apart and have not had sex since I discovered I was pregnant. He is free to come and see his children any time he wants and is generally here every day and we often have dinner together and do family things together. He leaves when the eldest goes to bed.
Although I would like to be together as a family there are a lot of issues and I don't know that we can get over them. Do I ask him about it, question him on what he sees as the future between us or do I just let things carry on as they are. I feel that if I don't rock the boat things will carry on as they are and my dds will get the benefit of the best of their dad.

OP posts:

Lweji · 30/12/2013 22:48

What will happen if one of you gets in a different relationship?

starlight1234 · 30/12/2013 22:54

I think it sounds like you are both acting like grown ups with is lovely but as such yes I do think you need to have a conversation about what ifs...

Reading between the lines it sounds like you would like to be a couple again...If I am right maybe a conversation about that too as it can be a confusing when someone is around all the time...

Good luck

Original poster

onemorerose · 30/12/2013 22:55

Its something that I have wondered as well. Personally im not at all interested in another relationship but we have never discussed it. I think the 2 of us are just living in the moment.

I do get annoyed though as I feel he gets to enjoy all the fun bits of being a parent with very few of the hard bits. And I don't want to be considering getting back with him if I don't know if he is hoping for the same thing.

OP posts:

Lweji · 30/12/2013 23:01

Regardless of what you both want, if those issues are not resolved would the relationship be healthy?

At some point I think it will be healthy that he starts taking the children with him and do activities with them by himself. Not family things that include you.
The shock to the 3 year old system if he suddenly disappeared because he got a girlfriend would be worse, than getting gradually used to the fact that mum and dad live separately. It wouldn't mean he'd be out of their lives. If you get along, you should be able to work out a reasonable solution and support each other if need be.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/12/2013 23:05

Well, my DS' dad and I are not a couple and don't live together, but we are on friendly terms and do have 'family time' with all three of us together as well as plenty of time when DS' dad looks after him, takes him places etc. It works very well. OK, it's a bit different in that we were not a couple when we concieved DS (we were old pals and drinking buddies who got a bit careless one night) so we haven't had to get past an actual break-up.

As to one of us acquring a new partner, well, it hasn't happened in nine years so I don't think it's particularly likely - but if it did happen, the new partner would have to fit in with the existing family, not the other way round.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/12/2013 23:07

I don't think this does sound like a grown-up situation tbh. It's a messy kind of half-way house, pretend family, where you're not quite together, not quite apart and.... worst of all.... you're putting your life on hold waiting for him to give you the 'yay or nay'. He's living in the moment, picking you up or dropping you as he pleases, and you're the one stuck with two kids, no social life (because he's monopolising your time) and a big fat question mark over your future.

Don't put your life in the hands of someone who thinks you're OK for dinner and a shag but that's as far as it goes.

Original poster

onemorerose · 30/12/2013 23:28

Lweji - he does do things by himself with 3yo, like overnights when she asks trips to the park, days together. He is a really great dad and brilliant with her, loads of quality time. I think she is used to the idea that we live separately, although she has started asking why daddy is not staying here and why daddy lives in his house, but she seems to accept it ok. I guess I need to know if he would be looking to move forward with another woman rather than trying to make things work with me!

SolidGoldBrass - its reassuring that someone else is making it work. And I could see it working for us for a long time. But for the rest of our lives? I just don't know? The big difference I think is that if he did find someone else I think I would be gutted and because we do have a long history it would not be easy on either of us to have another person come into the others life. (together 10 years before dd1)

Cognito - I think you have hit the nail on the head regarding my issues with the current situation. Although there is no shagging it sometimes really annoys me that he can come and go as he please and go back to his quiet calm house while im left here with 2 kids.

OP posts:

Lweji · 30/12/2013 23:36

In addition, I think some structure and regularity would benefit the children in the long run.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/12/2013 23:36

So have the courage to move on with your life, embrace independence, make a proper break and formalise the contact so that there's less of the fake Happy Family 'come as you please' stuff and more genuine co-parenting. The risk is currently that you'll wake up 10 years from now still lonely, still no social life and still cooking his dinner five nights a week....

Original poster

onemorerose · 30/12/2013 23:45

Lweji - why would this benefit the children?

Cognito - why do you think this would lead to better co-parenting. I agree with this risk I am taking though and that's what im most scared of. OTOH I feel that I would not want to bring another man into our lives, therefore I would be without a man anyway.

Benefits to me from this situation is that I can phone him any time and say I need you, I need help, can you do this, can you get this. I feel I would not want to give this up for a set of rigid structures about when he will or will not see the children.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/12/2013 23:55

I think it would mean your ex had to step up to the plate more fully rather than this tea-time Dad business. However, what I'm reading here is that you feel frightened to be alone on the one hand, frightened to be in a new relationship on the other, and are worried that, if you impose any kind of restrictions or normal co-parenting structure, your ex will do a runner. I don't know why you broke up in the first place but I don't think it's healthy for you to be so dependent on an ex.

Lweji · 31/12/2013 00:04

It benefits the children to know what will happen on a certain day, that they will spend it with dad, or mum, or even both. I think it's important that they don't have to ask to have sleep overs.
Him showing up when he wants is not good for you or them. Only him.

It's good to have some flexibility, of course, but if they know they can depend on dad, I think it is better, yes.

Original poster

onemorerose · 31/12/2013 00:04

Im kinda stuck right now with an ebf baby though. He cant take her away and I want him to have the same kind of hands on and close relationship that he has with dd1.
I agree with everything you have said though Cognito except that I am not worried that he will do a runner.
I think I do depend on him to some extent but in many ways its easier not to and that I want him to be around both for the children and myself, maybe to keep up the family charade?

I think perhaps with such a young baby maybe I will not rock the boat at the minute cos the fact is that I need all the help I can get. Maybe I will try to bring up the discussion of whether he would like to get be with me in the future or what he wants but indeed I am frightened of moving forward if his answer is that he would not want me.

OP posts:

Lweji · 31/12/2013 00:05

I'm curious. What do you ask him to do?

Surely there's a lot you could easily do by yourself.
And if it is to mind the children, a regular schedule would allow you to plan instead of asking him.

Lweji · 31/12/2013 00:07

I am frightened of moving forward if his answer is that he would not want me.

But do you really want him? You haven't mentioned what the issues were.

Are you keeping him around in the hope that he'll go back to you?

caramelwaffle · 31/12/2013 00:08

I think you should listen very carefully to what cogito has said and take on board what she has to say.

Lweji · 31/12/2013 00:08

Also, you don't have to suddenly separate it all, it can be a gradual thing, as the baby gets older.

caramelwaffle · 31/12/2013 00:09

Lweji raises a very good point: Do you want him back, or his stability?

Original poster

onemorerose · 31/12/2013 00:12

Lweji, its me that is holding back the regular sleepovers, he would like to have her a set night a week but I have been non-committal. Will it be of more benefit to her to know that every whatever night she would be sleeping at her dads? We don't have a very structured life as it is, often going to my parents for our dinner or spending the whole day there.

I think our dd1 does know she can depend on her dad, I really do feel that I am doing the best I can for her. If you feel that the way we carry out our relationship atm would make her feel she cant depend on her dad can you tell me why?

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Lweji · 31/12/2013 00:23

Again, it's good to have some flexibility, but even he is asking for regular nights.
You may not notice it so much at 3, but knowing that a certain night is at dad's takes away anxiety about what will happen each day. The same with him having dinner at yours. Does he show up today or not? If I ask to spend the night, will they agree or not?
If you set a routine, it will become natural, even if it needs to be changed here and there.

What is holding you back? You don't want your child away, or that he stops going to yours so frequently? Both? Sometimes you need to let it go.

Original poster

onemorerose · 31/12/2013 00:25

Lweji - on top of having dd1, I ask him to come down so I can get a bath, get things in the shop, bath dd1, get her to bed, bring her to nursery, collect her, pick us up if I have walked to parents and its too late/miserable to walk home, I ask him to do family things with us, I ask him would he like to have lunch/dinner with us.

But! Im not sure I want him, the many things that lead to the breakdown of our relationship have also lead to me not respecting him. I do love him, (have known him my whole life) but at the moment im not in love with him. Does that ever come back? When someone has hurt you and destroyed the trust and respect you have for them? I want to feel that he is a great and wonderful person! Im hoping he will change some of his habits, I would not take him back as things stand.

Caramel I really am taking aboard the things that I have been told on this thread. They are things that I have felt myself.

OP posts:

Lweji · 31/12/2013 00:30

I think it's great that he is that involved, particularly with such a young baby, you certainly need the support.
What I'm suggesting is mid term, particularly regarding the baby, although it can start to be worked up with the older DD.

It will be hard, but you will have to actually separate at some point. Even if you have some overlap.
Unless both were perfectly happy with such an intimate and time consuming but sexless relationship. It doesn't seem that you are.

Original poster

onemorerose · 31/12/2013 00:31

I don't want to have my child away! I am learning to let go of her more and she has been staying with him more often. I see what you are saying about her knowing that this is the night she stays with dad.
Regards to dinner, if we are not eating with my parents then we are generally eating with him.
I feel that im starting to make excuses here or even justify the way things are but I want to be clear that I am taking all that you say on board, it may take me a while to think about it (very tired right now) I really only want whats best for the children and any advice to steer me in that direction is appreciated! Even if I don't want to hear it!

OP posts:

caramelwaffle · 31/12/2013 00:36

Essentially what you are at the moment is a sexless couple - if you were a monogamous couple.

You really aught to consider what will happen when one of you gets a new partner, unless you reconcile (said with kindness)

Original poster

onemorerose · 31/12/2013 00:40

Lweji, in my position, with young baby, what would you do? I think your right and that one definite night for DD1 with her dad should be implemented. Usually me and her dad discuss with ourselves if she is staying with him just lately she has asked him a couple of times could she stay. Then she has even asked to stay another night, I haven't agreed to this, should I? If she wants to?

Im going to have to head to bed now as I can hardly keep my eyes open! Thanks for the replies here!

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