Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

best for the kids?

43 replies

onemorerose · 30/12/2013 22:44

Any advice or opinions welcome. I have 2 dc with my ex. We split 1.5 years ago but have a 3yo DD and a 2mo DD who was conceived while we were living apart and had very very occasional sex.
The relationship we have now is generally good. We are living apart and have not had sex since I discovered I was pregnant. He is free to come and see his children any time he wants and is generally here every day and we often have dinner together and do family things together. He leaves when the eldest goes to bed.
Although I would like to be together as a family there are a lot of issues and I don't know that we can get over them. Do I ask him about it, question him on what he sees as the future between us or do I just let things carry on as they are. I feel that if I don't rock the boat things will carry on as they are and my dds will get the benefit of the best of their dad.

OP posts:

Original poster

onemorerose · 31/12/2013 00:44

Caramel - Yes it does feel that we are a sexless couple. Saying that though I do feel that I would quite like to have sex with him but I don't know how to bring it up after so long of being sexless!! I have hinted but he is not biting. And I would want to be sure he has not been with anyone else or I would feel like a fool. This is why we didn't have sex when I was pregnant, I felt too vulnerable!

OP posts:

caramelwaffle · 31/12/2013 00:52

You want to be with him.

That much is very clear.

Unless you have full reconciliation you will have to accept that you are both single.

You will have to mentally detach for successful co-parenting.

Lweji · 31/12/2013 01:44

Sorry to say this, but he seems to have a clearer head than you about this subject.

Why would you want sex now with him? To risk having another baby, but not the man?

Do let him go as much as you can. Find a way of coparenting the older DD and the baby, and take off as much as possible from your load, but start working on separate lives.
It doesn't seem like it is a good idea to get back together, from what you said. Although it's great that you are good enough with each other to coparent so well.

It seems that you have a natural need for affection and to be in a proper relationship, but this looks like a ship that has sailed. Both of you need to move on, by yourselves.

SolidGoldBrass · 31/12/2013 01:45

OP: I think there is a difference between my situation and yours in that I wouldn't have DS' dad as a partner under any circumstances. He's a brilliant dad and a perfectly good human being, but if we had to live together we would kill one another. Also, both of us are very much single people in that we do not want couple-relationships: he has an on-off FWB and I occasionally go out and have a ONS. But we both like a lot of our own space.
Do bear in mind that it's not compulsory to have a romantic/sexual relationship, and remaining single is much better than being with a partner who isn't nice. You separated from this man for good reason: that doesn't stop him being a good dad aqnd a good co-parent, but there is no need to try to push things so that the two of you become a couple if neither of you wants to.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 06:15

I agree with Lweji that you have to be clear about your motives. If you want him around for yourself because you regret breaking up or can't manage life properly solo then be honest with yourself. Don't use the children as an excuse to cling onto someone that isn't right or get back together with someone that has hurt and betrayed you in the past. If there were no children, for example, would you still be finding reasons to get him round every evening?

paperlantern · 31/12/2013 06:32

no one has asked WHY you split up and to me this is key.

if he was abusive to you, yes you can regain trust but he will break that trust again. you need to follow cognito's advice. You do need to distance yourself and move on

he had an affair, well yes you have a sporting chance of working through it and getting back together. It's not garenteed but may be worth a try

There could be any number of other reasons why you split up, each one should impact on the best advice from you now.

personally I like SGBs answer, but yhen I sense you would very much like it to be more, then the answer is why isn't it?

MerryMarigold · 31/12/2013 06:47

I agree with the reasons for split being important. Reading between lines, is he an addict? If so, I can understand why you would want to be around during any contact with kids. It is very hard to let go of a 13 year relationship. It sounds like has though. Please do clarify the issues as I think it may impact the advice.

Original poster

onemorerose · 31/12/2013 11:49

Ok it seems the general consensus is that I need to move on and set clear times and days for him to be with his children. This is easy enough with 3yo but with 2mo well she is breast fed and can rarely go a half hour without a wee feed when she is awake. So at the moment she is with me all the time. Also I would miss him, most of the time I like having him around. Yes this is for me, we were together a long time and I do still care for him.

Issues causing the split:
I discovered he was having sex with someone else when I was pregnant with dd1. Didn't tell anyone, couldn't get over it and it destroyed my love and respect for him.

His continued addiction to weed which he said he would cut down on when baby was born. He smokes a lot and when he is at home it feels pretty constant. His friends came and went all day when he was at home and he would have them round after I went to bed to smoke; I would come down to get drink in the night, say 12 or 1 and find 2-5 blokes in the kitchen! This also eroded my respect for him. He was staying up and smoking weed at night, sleep in late and leave everything for me to do.

We were both unhappy and would argue a lot, I would probably nag him a lot and probably was pretty scornful of him. Still can be sometimes. We definitely get on better now. There was a bit of abuse at the end. We tried counselling but he walked out when he didn't like what he heard, he saw everything as my fault.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 12:26

He likes life on his terms. You and the kids in a handy box that he can pick up or drop as he pleases. Selfish, basically.

Plenty of ex couples co-parent very small children successfully. Overnight stays for newborns doesn't really work but there's nothing to stop him taking them both out for a few hours at the weekends.

Your needs are more complex. You'd like him to be a regular, weed-free, faithful family man and you're keeping him close based on a vain hope rather than reality. All the time he's around you won't move on, won't look for more friends let alone another adult relationship, and you'll end up even more disappointed and let down than when you were officially together.

So cut the cord. Make him an ex. Find other ways to manage life and please stop thinking of him as a friend. Friends don't behave like he has.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 12:27

BTW.... 'nag' is a term that men who hate women use. Don't insult yourself with it. He fell well short of expectations and you were entitled to be pissed off.

Original poster

onemorerose · 31/12/2013 12:55

Yes I was entitled to be pissed off, he doesn't or wont see this. Yes he likes things on his terms, or did when we were living together anyway.

Yes I would very much love him to be a regular, weed-free, faithful family man and I am hanging on to the hope of this. I wont move on while he is around but I don't want another man in my life anyway. I have plenty of very good friends and a large family who are very supportive. There is no problem with that side of my life.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 13:03

You don't have to have another man in your life in order to move on. That's more woman-hating talk!! :) 'Moving on' in this context would be about reasserting yourself, restoring your confidence, bulling up your self-esteem and embracing life as an independent, resourceful, capable woman. Not needing him for anything, in other words

paperlantern · 31/12/2013 13:04

weed???

distance yourself and get rid. he is never going to be that person, at least never with you. You have shown you will tolerate him and weed, he's just hanging around for that weak moment when memories of the bad bits have faded

Lweji · 31/12/2013 13:11

As Cogito said, moving on is essentially moving away from this man, to a place of being happy with yourself, not moving onto another man.
But the fact is that while you are within the sphere of influence of this man, still hoping that he'll be the man you'd want him to be, you have no chance of being happy with yourself nor with anyone else.

Original poster

onemorerose · 31/12/2013 13:30

I think by finally leaving I have shown him that I will not tolerate it or live like that any more.

I continued to attend counselling by myself for about 9 months and I do feel happy with myself, I have built up my self esteem and am more confident in what I will put up with regarding him. And I very much do feel like an independent, resourceful, capable woman. I don't need him around, but I do still want him around. I want our children to see us happy together, I want them to have happy memories.

OP posts:

Original poster

onemorerose · 31/12/2013 13:32

And it suits me to have the best of him, he doesn't smoke around us, I don't get annoyed with him for lying in bed all day, I don't have to put up with him being grumpy when he does get up. If he does annoy me I can tell him to leave. His friends don't call here, we have his undivided attention.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 31/12/2013 16:34

You can have all the good things about him - pleasant time with DC, his continuing relationship with them but you do need to get it a bit more structured, I'm afraid and you really do need to understand that this man is not your 'soulmate' and not a desirable partner.
An addict who is non-aggressive and free of seriously criminal behaviour/associates can make a pretty good visiting father. DC will eventually come to regard such a person with a mix of pity and contempt, but it's better for them to reach the conclusion that he's weak and selfish in their own time and on their own terms than for contact to be restricted/forbidden or their childhood to be full of rows as Daddy is lying stoned on the sofa again and hasn't done any of the domestic tasks he agreed to do today.

Lweji · 31/12/2013 16:59

Your children can still have happy memories, even of all of you as a family without him being around all the time.
Not sure why you want your children to want to see you together. What is the benefit there?
Sure, it's better if children have regular contact with a good father figure, but it doesn't have to be with mum.
In fact, I wonder what type of relationship model they are getting from the present set up.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread