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Relationships

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Original poster

Straight DP is a secret transvestite. And has googled local gay sauna

35 replies

PodPudding · 30/12/2013 20:07

I am a regular lurker, been on here a few years. I've discovered my DP of a year is a secret lifelong transvestite. Rightly or wrongly I checked his phone, as I just could not quieten my instinct that something was being hidden from me.
And I found that, 3 months ago we took my friend to a local city so me and her could do a cocktail making course, and DP shopped alone all day then drove us back as we were over the drink drive limit.

But on his phome internet history was 'private/sex shop/ tranny shop ' from when he was there, all day, alone. And lastly, he googled 'gay sauna '

OP posts:

Original poster

PodPudding · 30/12/2013 20:16

Posted too soon on phone. He gas now admitted he is a transvestite, has cross dressed all his adult life, and on his PC has googled 'chicks with big dicks' and multitude of other transvestite related content. He says he does not watch porn...everything that comes up under that search is porn (seems to be transgender porn).
I just do not know what to do. He says he googled 'gay sauna ' because "he was curious and wanted to look at the gallery, and is interested in what people get up to" but to me, it seems insane to Google your nearest sauna just for shits and giggles. I have no proof either way that he went there or didn't, but it seems ridiculous to believe that in all his years as a transvestite thatched is his first foray into the gay scene. Especially ad the day free. I feel sick, I love and trusted him, he is obviously only going to admit what cannot be denied and no more. We are supposed to be buying a house together, if I was reading this I would see it in black and white but he has been tearful, declaring his love, apologising, aaccommodating all my questions about the transvestite thing (which I am fine with as a fetish, but I find it impossible to believe he isn't at least bisexual what withe the sauna thing)
Sorry this is so rambling but I am in total fucking shock. Any advice would be amazing as I am falling apart.

OP posts:

quietlysuggests · 30/12/2013 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 30/12/2013 20:24

How long have you been together? Or, to be frank, how long has he been keeping this secret from you?

Original poster

PodPudding · 30/12/2013 20:30

We are (supposed to be) buying a house together and moving in together next month
Our sex life is good, fairly 'plain' but always loving and he doesn't struggle to get aroused or have any weird insistences or anything. I have always suspected he is a transvestite though, he LOVES fashion/clothes/lingerie generally. He is very masculine, has a stereotypical 'manly' job and lifestyle. I found out over Christmas but have been feeling numb, I can't seem to reconcile the secrecy and lies with my good DP who is loving and caring, I've always said how honesty is my absolute first requirement in a relationship, and he swore that he could never cheat or lie. We have paid the deposit for the house, my DC fucking adore him. I can see myself doing it because I love him, utterly love him, but in X amount of years having my heart broken further. My first thought was that I don't want him to be upset, don't want him

OP posts:

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 30/12/2013 20:32

Sorry you are going through this. It may be possible he is also coming to terms with/trying to understand who he is and can't be honest with you. He may be transgender rather than transvestite. He does owe you a frank conversation about things though. How long have you been together?

Original poster

PodPudding · 30/12/2013 20:37

Sorry, he keeps ringing me and it makes my writing post?! I've been with him all the time since I found out on Xmas day, I've aske. For space tonight and he's rang crying. We bought a fucking fridge today for the new house tags, I was numb, I can't lose my best friend. We literally talk at all available points of the day, we see as much as we can of each other, Yet he never mentioned it. Been together a year, he's never admitted it. His best friend knew 2 yrs ago, apparently she implored him to tell me. I have expressed to him that he is fucking my DC about as well as me, and also that I just cannot see why he would Google his nearest gay sauna if he A)isn't gay or bi (he says DEFINITELY NOT) or B) if he didnt go (he says he didn't, and has never been to one)
Before he met me he would meet his (mixed sex) friends at a local gym/sauna. I don't know what the fuck to do, if it was something to do with women I would have split up with him immediately and fuck the house purchase. I have googled what a gay sauna is, and apart from the normal use of a sauna/massage etc, it seems overwhelmingly to be a place to find casual sex
To use a word I hate, I am absolutely 'gutted'. Hollow.

OP posts:

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 30/12/2013 20:38

There are forums for wives/partners of transvestite/trans men. You might want to take a look.

Original poster

PodPudding · 30/12/2013 20:42

Yes I do think he couldnt tell me, not that he wouldn't, he has only told one other person and he's been close friends with her for more than 20 yrs. I've known him 9 yrs, been with him for just over a year. I am terrified that he doesn't 'know' what he really is or what he might want in the future. He's said he wants us to be married, he undeniably loves my DC absolutely. But his family would hate him for the transvestite thing, they are judgemental and repressed. I know he has masturbated to transgender porn, and it seems he fancies the kind of athletic very very muscled women (whereas I am skinny and not muscular) it had made me question everything about myself and if I've not been enough

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IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 30/12/2013 20:43

Yeah a gay sauna is quite a specific thing. This is quite a shock for you. He needs to do some soul searching and be really honest with you. Do you live together at the moment?

Fairenuff · 30/12/2013 20:45

I've always said how honesty is my absolute first requirement in a relationship, and he swore that he could never cheat or lie

I think he has a different idea to you as to what real honesty is. Did he honestly think he could hide this from you forever?

A year is a very short time, I really don't think you should be moving in together just yet. It will complicate the relationship. You will feel tied in financially and want to keep a stable family for the children.

Tell him all bets are off. He is not the person you thought he was and now you need to get to know him all over again.

If you don't want to live with a transvestite, you don't have to.

Btw 'curiosity' is always the reason given for dodgy acts. After all, what else could he say. There is no other plausible reason for googling gay saunas other than the obvious - he was looking to hook up with gay men.

Original poster

PodPudding · 30/12/2013 20:53

We don't live together yet but see a lot of each other. He said that he does want to be honest with me, and hasn't cross dressed for about 2 years (ie before me) and that he felt happy now, so didn't feel the need to do it, as it comes from a place of unhappiness and of feeling ugly, and he's not felt such self-loathing since we have been together. Obviously I only have his word for any of that, and right now his word is worthless as he has lied (even if 'only' by omission)
I wish I had more self esteem, the thought of being alone makes me want to forgive and brush it off. I can honestly cope with him being a transvestite, because he does genuinely seem to love me and find me attractive physically and mentally. But the gay thing puts a terrible spin on it; like you said, what other plausible reason is there to Google your nearest gay sauna?!?! 'curiosity" is on the MN 'script' for cheating fuckpigs. I need to feel something, angee, hurt, I'm just numb

OP posts:

BasicFish · 30/12/2013 20:54

Oh op, this is such a hard situation. Like you say, seeing it written down, when it's not us in the relationship, it feels easy to tell you to run for the hills..

This bit stands out for me though..

I don't know what the fuck to do, if it was something to do with women I would have split up with him immediately and fuck the house purchase. I have googled what a gay sauna is, and apart from the normal use of a sauna/massage etc, it seems overwhelmingly to be a place to find casual sex

If he is gay or bisexual, then to him men are the same as women, intention wise. (does that make sense?) If he's bisexual and searching for places to hook up with men for casual sex, then it's the same as him being straight/bi and looking for places to hook up with women for casual sex. If the latter would be a deal breaker for you, then please please don't feel bad about the former also be a deal breaker. If he's not being honest about himself, how can you second guess his intentions in any way? I hope that makes sense, I'm not sure I've explained it very well.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 30/12/2013 20:57

I know it's a huge blow but better to know now than further down the line. Better for both of you I think. I'm not defending him or minimising the impact this is having on you, but if he is gay or transgender and in denial for whatever reason he needs space to think about how to go forward. Has he been married before or had other female partners?

Original poster

PodPudding · 30/12/2013 20:57

I will look at the forums for partners of transvestitespecially, thanks for the recommendation. I'm presuming there will be others wondering if their DP is gay/bi or not
Btw I feel pained to point out that I have no problem with gay men, just as a straight woman it's of no personal use to me :-( One of my closest friends disliked my DP right from the start, DP was horribly dismissive of him and now I'm wondering if he was keeping my friend at a diwtance because of this (my friend is gay)

OP posts:

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 30/12/2013 20:58

BasicFish is right.

Varya · 30/12/2013 20:59

'Women of the Beaumont Society' support people whose partners cross-dress. Understand your shock and do hope things work out for the best for you. Transvestites are not usually gay. Hugs, Varya XXX

Original poster

PodPudding · 30/12/2013 21:03

irishblood no, he's had no other significant partners. He's forty next year. Not even a relationship of a couple of weeks. I do realise that that is a huge red flag in itself.
And yes cheating is cheating, I am sure he went to the sauna, I am sure he must have done something at some point over the last twenty-fourodd years. That Google search hasn't just come from nowhere. Plus his PC searches were not of women, or even of transvestites, but of transgender people. He is clearly repressed, hates public physical contact, won't even kiss me in froby of his mother etc

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Original poster

PodPudding · 30/12/2013 21:09

Also he is the master of compartmentalising; he likes to dictate how and when I meet his friends and family. He is quite controlling generally and doesn't like change. I don't know if I can spend the rest of whatever constantly wondering what he's doing. Or what else he is hiding

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Fairenuff · 30/12/2013 21:09

He is still lying to you. And has quite possibly cheated on you. No wonder you are numb. Please don't think you have to rush into any decision.

Put the house purchase on hold. If you go ahead it will be much more difficult to extricate yourself if you change your mind. This is not your fault, he withheld information which he should have shared with you.

Fairenuff · 30/12/2013 21:10

It doesn't look good Pod

BasicFish · 30/12/2013 21:12

Ah Pod Like you say, if you'd found he was trying to hook up with other women you'd be clear on what to do. Having all these bombshells dropped on you is so much to cope with, no wonder you can't get your head straight.

Take as much time as you need to think things through, and maybe it will help to think less of the "he's confused about his sexuality/preferences/should I help him through this" thoughts and more to forget the gender involved and think "he (at the least) looked for an opportunity to cheat, he researched and possibly visited a place to cheat." Maybe that will help you find your anger.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 30/12/2013 21:15

Yeah that would be a red flag I guess.

There is a strong chance that he is confused about who he is, for some people their sense of gender is a bit more nebulous and can even change over time. That's before you get to the shame and guilt and repression.

Anyway, I think you should focus on how to get yourself through this.

Original poster

PodPudding · 30/12/2013 21:16

No it doesn't
He's made all the right noises, cried endlessly, been shaking, been super-attentive. But he would do all of that if he was in shock due to being found out. I am so unbelievably hurt, he knew what my exP did (horrid EA and a hidden addiction to basically illegal porn) and yet DP swore to me thatched would always be upfront. The thing is that I have no problem with the transvestite thing, I could incorporate it into our private life no provlem. Although I feel so sorry for him that it seems to have come from how ugly he thinks he is and how much he doesn't accept himself but he said himself, straight transvestitwe don't generally go to gay saunas, so I don't know what reassurance I'm seeking because there's no way to justify it

OP posts:

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 30/12/2013 21:21

You see, I don't think a cross-dresser would tell you they do it because they feel ugly or because they don't accept themselves. I think that sound more like gender dysphoria.

namerchangering · 30/12/2013 21:24

Don't buy a house together! Stop the sale. I realise you had plans etc but you would be foolish to be tied to someone who has not been honest with you and probably still isn't. You don't actually know him at all. I just don't think its worth the risk to yourself and your kids futures.

If he had been upfront with you could of had a choice but he's kept pretty big secrets at best and maybe been shagging around at worst.

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