Straight DP is a secret transvestite. And has googled local gay sauna

[PodPudding]

I am a regular lurker, been on here a few years. I've discovered my DP of a year is a secret lifelong transvestite. Rightly or wrongly I checked his phone, as I just could not quieten my instinct that something was being hidden from me.
And I found that, 3 months ago we took my friend to a local city so me and her could do a cocktail making course, and DP shopped alone all day then drove us back as we were over the drink drive limit.

But on his phome internet history was 'private/sex shop/ tranny shop ' from when he was there, all day, alone. And lastly, he googled 'gay sauna '

I don't buy that transvestites are not usually gay or bi. I think it depends on the person, there are no rules. Just look at their behaviour, if they search for gay porn it prob means they are at least bi. Better to find out now though.

I agree with you that if he hooks up with a man, that is exactly the same as hooking up with another women- it's cheating. But do you think he sees it the same way? You have said he compartmentalises his life. If he's bisexual, and also cross dresses in secret, I could see him feeling he was only "allowed" one woman at a time, but it was OK to have his extra secret persona as well, with a sex life for that too.

If this really is how he feels, then I personally wouldn't want to live with that. If my DH wanted to cross dress but only had me as his sexual partner, that would be quite different.

I'm sorry to say that if he is leading a secret sexual life in parallel to his public persona, he may be having risky sex and that might put you at risk too. Has he been tested for STDs during your relationship? I would ask him to do that (and do it myself).

Is there such a thing as a typical transvestite? It sounds like his sexual tastes do indeed run to men whether they dress up or not. There cannot be any other reason to type 'gay sauna' and the town unless you are interested in what goes on in a gay sauna in that town, so he's either lying about his curiosity about men (which his porn searches confirm he does look for) or in extreme denial.

And saying he's not bi or gay, he might not be but clearly he is interested in viewing men having sex in local areas, kind of doesn't add up entirely does it?

I think the websites mentioned already are very helpful, but at the end of the day, if he's seeking casual sex with anyone else, then that's a pretty bad situation and not quite the same as if you had discovered him dressing up but it was contained within the home and your own relationship.

I've reread the Op and you say you have only been together a year and he's had no other significant relationships and strongly controls your access to his friends and family. I think you know that however much he cries and however much you love him, this is probably not going to work- his secrecy and control over that seems to know no bounds.

Oh dear Op. How very difficult for you. This is not what you want to read I know but you need to make your way to your nearest GUM clinic and get checked out. You cannot trust this man. he may be telling you the truth and he hasn't cheated on you. But equally I think it's possible he's been having some sort of casual sex and that puts you at risk. Just get checked out for peace of mind.

Definitely do not go ahead with the house purchase. Whatever he says to you (or whether he cries or whatever) say you need time to think it over, you will be taking as much time as you need, and if he pressures you on that in any way then it will be over anyway.

Your later post about him being controlling adds considerably to the worry of him keeping a big secret from you. I would be asking myself some difficult questions about how much you are willing to tolerate to maintain this relationship, and how much you will need to give up or compromise in yourself. I suspect it will be a lot.

My advice is for you to cancel the house buying. Too soon for that anyway, a year, in my view. Takes at leats that long to get to know what you're getting into. I think you are right, he is a cross dresser and potentially gay, and that may not be what you want for your life partner. Don't be afraid of starting again. If it is a bad job, it is better to make an end of it as quickly as possible. A bigger mess thereby doesn't await x

Yes, I think the controlling and the lack of previous relationships are worrying signs.

You say he's your best friend. Maybe friendship would be the best relationship with him for a while? You don't have to lose everything by not going ahead with the house etc.

Sauna=sex.it's likely he's actively on the gay scene to know this. Which suggests a number of problems. The biggest being his dishonesty and probable philandering. Sorry you're going through all this

Hi op my thoughts are if he isn't being honest with himself mainly due to repression and suppression on an unconscious level then there is only a certain amount of honesty he can offer you.

I don't think he knows who or what he is, he needs professional help to explore this, but in the long run it's not going to help you.
The biggest flag that sticks out for me is the control he is putting in to the relationship, I imagine this is also a symptom of what's going on unconsciously. I'm going to be honest here I think this guy is a huge can of worms waiting to explode and for your sake you need to be as far away as you can be when the lid comes off.

Im concerned that the sexuality issue is a red herring, I'm leaning towards gender identity and this is a whole other issue.

To sum up he can only tell you what he knows on the surface his control is going to slip real soon that's when the deeper stuff is going to start leaking out, he won't be able to control it when it happens he's going to need some real psychological help.

Thanks all for replies, I am going to bed now because thinking is making me literally feel ill. I just can't cry or anything?! I seem to be stuck in a bubble of wanting to believe him, despite at heart knowing better I've done some googling and there are loads of different kinds of transvestites with different specialities; if he doesn't know himself then htf will I ever make sense of him My DC will be upset in the extreme if he's no longer in their lives. I've got 1000's tied up in the house purchase. My tenancy on this house expires shortly and there's a new tenant coming here immediately I don't know what to-do, mentally or practically. Thanks again to all for advice