DW cannot make up her mind to stay or Go

[Objectiveman]

We are married over 25 years. Just before Christmas there was an incident that I over reacted to. I was being a jealous husband thinking someone was attempting an affair with my wife. He had been Facebooking and phone txting her. I found out and did things like sending him warnings to stay away, stop txting, I would inform his wife etc: I found out all his social sites and where he worked - I was back in Caveman mode protecting his mate.
My DW has now seen a side of me she did not know existed and it has shocked her. She feels I acted most inappropriately - yet i felt it was a normal MALE reaction. Reverting to caveman mode and protecting your mate from potential other suitors.
Now my DW does not know if she wants to stay or go. She sees this incident as another disapointment in our marriage - It's not been perfect as I'm a stubborn person.
The stay of go she claims is NOT to be with this other person and I do believe that.
It's possibly the straw that broke the camels back.
Needless to say she has bee relatively cold to me since the incident, we talk but at more of a social level.
She shares EVERYTHING we discuss with her close friends and asks them for advise - One says leave - One says think carefully and make up your own mind.
So for most of December I was left hanging with no decision if I was in or out of a marriage - and it's driving me insane.
Christmas was dreadful for the family with me in a depressed mood.
I've also know I've become very clingy.
I've made my comments on why we should stay together and have tried to give her space to work her decision out.
I've made many silly comments like, perhaps you should move out till your sure, or you can sleep in the spare bed, but i have always later apologised and withdrawn my comments. I feel I'm grasping at straws to keep her.
I am taking counselling as is she.
I'm now deciding if I should move out to a bedsit to give her space to come to a conclusion. - But I don't know if thats a good idea either.
WE have talked about this and she continues to bring up those times in the past when I hurt her emotionally. All I can do is agree and apologise, commenting that perhaps with this counselling I can address those emotional issues I have, that give rise to that past behaviour.
I respect her recalling those past times - but I feel she is ignoring the good times. The fact she only tells her friends about the bad times i feel make them seem more important and larger in the marriage.
Oh - What am I to do ?
She 50-ish, struggles with low self esteem and is menopausal if that is important.

I do think you need to take some control.

Don't sit waiting for her to decide - make a decision for yourself.

It sounds like all the people living in your house are adults. So, there is less concern about keeping roofs over heads.

Frankly, I don't think your wife would go if you said go. I think she's dangling a sword of Damocles over your head. I think if you called her bluff, she would change her mind and want to "work on it". She's got you running around after her, at the moment.

You need to start thinking what would be best for you, and to an extent your young adult children.

It could be I'm not saying it is! It just could be that she is actually having an affair but they haven't decided what they're going to do yet. So she's stringing you along while she waits to know if she and the other man are going to set up home together.

So she's setting the stage for a separation, but also keeping her options open in case the OM changes his mind.

Again, my advice is the same. FORCE her to make a decision TODAY. She's being selfish and incredibly cruel to make you wait to know what the rest of your life has in store. Don't wait around.

I repeat, your life after her will be endless new fanjo and women cooking you dinners, sending you salacious texts and shagging you on the first date (if the behaviour on the Relationships thread here is any indication of how women behave! ) I know you only want her at the moment, and you love her, and she's the mother of your wonderful DC... But your life will not end if your marriage does.

You'll be fine. I'm sure you two can work this out, but her behaviour is making me feel very angry. She needs to buck up.

Sorry you're going through this.

How do you know she's checked out his Facebook page? Have you installed a keylogger on her PC?

Well on the night I confronted her - the phone went off about 4 times in 10 minutes. Txt she took in the bathroom. That lead to the confrontation and AS previously stated I went OTT and burst into tears, loads of "How could you" - then I drank a bottle of gin to blank it all out. DW claims I deleted almost all the Texts in a drunken state - I probably did. One or two I did see were about me finding out they had been texting. I'm sure it never got to them meeting.
I've seen all the facebook conversations although I know one or two were deleted.
There has been no unusual behaviour from DW, except for long periods on facebook before they went to texting.
I however have been diagnosed with Severe stress disorder and depression arising from this incident. So my behaviour is probably now the more unusual. I cleared off for an overnight - just to get away and told no one where I was going - Just - "Dads going for an overnight away." I paced the house with anxiety for the first two weeks although thats settling down.
Sensitive question - could this be hormone related - Mid LIfe crisis, Menopause related, youngsters all grown up now not needing as much TLC and her attention has been drawn to herself now.
I know that recently she has been constantly online buying new clothes, is always on line looking at fashion stuff. Gone mad watching realality shows Texas housewives and kardasians etc: ( apologies if that suggestion offends )

Perhaps this was this a sign that she wanted to be recognised again as a a beautiful woman ( Which she is ) - That it was an outside contact from OP at the wrong time.
WE had been getting on like a house on fire prior to this incident.
Now it's all in tatters.

I think your wife is taking the piss.

If she has been texting from morning to night that is way more than fun and flirting, which in my opinion if hidden from your partner is because she was aware what she was doing was wrong but didn't want to stop it.

It was at least an emotional affair. She is doing what all cheaters physical or emotional do and minimising what she has done.

You may have over reacted, who knows what was appropriate considering what she was up to? She has taken your reaction and turned it on you to make you look the guilty party. She is the one who chose to flirt and have fun and get horny (let's be honest this is what she did) with another man via FB and texts. You have every right not to trust her right now.

Bet as Anuvva has said she is waiting for OM to decide if he really wants her or not before making her decision.

I would suggest you take the choice out of her hands. She was the one messing around. Ask her to leave and give you space you cannot begin to sort yourself out while you are waiting on her decision.

If she uses that to go and leave you there is your answer.

Sorry!

X post. So you confronted her about a third party in your marriage and she dissapered to the bathroom to carry on taking texts from the other person?

Total piss taker who doesn't give a shit about you.

Bigbrass - nothing as sinsister as a key logger - just looking at the browser history.
She has enquired about a rental property big enough for her and the young adults.
Her email pages have been shown to be as has her facebook page.
Nothing is going on with anyone else - I'm pretty sure of that.

Howmany...
I had seen on her facebook page which had been left unattended that she requested his phone number.
I left it a few days intending to gather evidence.
On the evening of the second day her phone started getting several successive texts.
It was because she took these Txts so unusually _ I decided to confront her at that time and not leave it until I could gather any more evidence.

Ask her to leave, she's taking the piss.

Sorry you're going through this OP.

I didn't give my H a chance to finish 'deciding' I rented a place and moved out. Best thing I ever did. stops all the pacing and worrying!! we were together 35 yrs married 30.

Don't wait around for the scraps.

I think were off topic a little.
It's not what she done - I can forgive that in the blink of an eye.
She does not see it as an Affair of any sort - they never met, they acknowledged they were both married. Phone logs indicate it was all facebook or phone texts and no actual talking conversations.
The problem is MY OTT reaction and the issues we had in our marriage history have left her undecided on staying or separating.
( Acknowledge that before this incident - we were getting on like a house on fire - it was great )
I don't understand why she needs to make a decision.

( I feel she is concentrating TOO MUCH on the past - I believe we should acknowledge the past - learn from it - live in the present and plan for the future ) I has stated that this incident has changed me - has made me more attentive to DW's needs and I have shown that I am prepared to communicate at an emotional / feeling level. Doing more "Stuff" was also important to her needs - but we had recently been out more,away for more weekends and planning weekends and future holidays than we had in years - so it was all coming together.)

AND if a decision needs to be made - Why is it taking so long.
SO would me leaving give her space, with no hassle to make that decision quicker - Opinions please.

Don't leave your home. She should go and make her mind up.

I'm sorry op, I think it WAS an affair. Why were they texting about you finding the texts?? Obviously it was inappropriate.

Why do you want to be with someone who is 'making their mind up' over you?? That's your answer- the fact she doesn't know!!!

I think you leaving would show her that the decision is not all hers to make and you will not be around to have any part of her life she deigns to share with you.

I don't mean to doubt you but if things really were as good as you say before this incident then she wouldn't have entered into it and wouldn't need so long to decide on staying or going.

I think she doesn't want you but is too tied up in her 'life' to want to change it too much.
Find some dignity - leave- if you are meant to be together you will be and if not you aren't wasting any more of your life being miserable over her.

The orobl is not your ott reaction. It's the fact your wife was messaging another man.

No offence, but you're being walked all over. Get control.

• problem

Initially I was put off by your reaction to "protect a mate". It was not, really. She didn't need protection from you.

But, what you seem to have found is evidence that she was bailing out on your marriage. The secrecy itself would make me angry.

I agree with pp that it should be your decision most and foremost. She should be begging for forgiveness, or deciding to leave. You should decide what you want in all this. Don't let yourself be walked over. Do you want to be with someone who effectively cheats, even if not sexually (yet)?

The problem is MY OTT reaction and the issues we had in our marriage history have left her undecided on staying or separating

No, that is the excuse she is using.

This is what has actually happened. She has had an emotional affair and possibly more. She does not want to take responsibility for that, so she finds ways to blame you.

AND if a decision needs to be made - Why is it taking so long

Because she wants to have her cake and eat it. Why decide, when she can have both? She has already checked out emotionally. She may be scared of giving up her home comforts and going it alone.

As others have said, you should tell her that you want a separation to give you both time and space to think about what you want. Only the reality of this will make her choose.

One of you will need to move out.

Thing is your wife is focussing on the past because that's very likely a good indicator of what the future will hold regarding your marriage. You are unlikely to change the dynamic after 30 years.

OP, agree with most others. Whilst you didn't convey your approach in the best poss way in your openings, this really is her problem she is wanting to share with you and manipulate you into feeling bad about your reaction.

She has you where she wants you. Don't put up with it. It's her responsibility to move out, as she is the 'unhappy one' and instigated this. Anything else is just walking all over you and you'll never recover the marriage from it.

I think you're being naive.

Fluffyjumper -I acknowledge what you say
But in reality this incident, unlocked some ghosts from my past - from the way I was brought up.
Things I have now had to face, and realise they embedded in me ways to react to avoid talking about serious issues.
The thing is - now I'm doing nothing but talking about those important serious issues we need to face and I can do it quite openly for the first time since my childhood. It's actually unlocked an emotional chest I had buried for many years.
It's difficult for my DW to understand this I think.
She suspects it may be an act to lure her back into a marriage she was partially unhappy about ( But remember it was improving )
True - I thing she may be scared of going it alone - but she can be a determined person when she wants. I believe if she moves out - she will be determined to make a go of it on her own.
But should I move out to create the emotional void that I hope she will miss - and will that hurry her to a more positive decision for us to make a go of it. ?

Does that mean that you want to stay married to her?
Why?
It was her choice to lie to you about this man. Regardless of how you were or how your marriage was like.

She's manipulating you.

What would your life be like if you were on your own?