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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

10 year old DD just got home from weekends at dads in tears

61 replies

Mintymoomoo · 29/12/2013 18:52

She is saying she doesn't want to go anymore as his new wife always shouts in her face (mostly when her dad isn't present) and today hit her around the head with a carrier bag with. Bottle of coke in!!!!

She has been crying and upset for last half hour, says his wife says horrible things about me etc

I don't have a good relationship with EXH or his wife she hates me with a passion and is extremely jelous, he not not allowed to communicate with me at all, not even through text!

Question is what do I do? I also have 2 younger children

OP posts:

HissymasJumper · 29/12/2013 20:11

Call 101 today! Please!

vichill · 29/12/2013 20:16

Imagine if a male step parent did this to a ten year old? I'm sure your ex (feckless as he sounds) wouldn't let it slide.

Original poster

Mintymoomoo · 29/12/2013 20:19

I'm pretty certain ex will let it slide!!!! If it came down to his 3 kids or wife then he would choose her I have no doubt about that!!!

I still haven't called police, trying to think straight head all over the place!

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 29/12/2013 20:24

I would stop contact.

I'm not sure I would call the police though.

TeamSouthfields · 29/12/2013 20:33

YOUR CHILD IS 10. I WOULD RING THE POLICE, THE WOMAN HIT HER!

SirChenjin · 29/12/2013 20:36

The woman hit your child around the head - and I'm guessing it wasn't an accident. I think I would at least phone 101 for advice.

usualsuspect · 29/12/2013 20:37

Maybe I would ring for advice tbh.

Or see a solicitor at least.

Joules68 · 29/12/2013 20:43

Don't stop contact

The contact is with dad.... He's done nothing ... The contact is for dc and dad so it will have to continue away from this wife

However, if he minimises this and doesn't take it seriously then he's complicit in it all and I would then look at stopping contact as he wouldn't have dc best interests at heart

Joules68 · 29/12/2013 20:44

And yes. Phone the police op. This won't be the first call of this kind they have had

FolkGirl · 29/12/2013 21:26

It doesn't matter whether your ex lets it slide or not!

You are her mother and you will phone the police. That is the right thing to do.

Original poster

Mintymoomoo · 29/12/2013 22:18

God now I'm even more confused, heard dd upsets really upset went up and she was on phone to dad he called her!

I took phone off her to speak and he says that they wife didn't shout in her face, he told her to say what she did and dd has had a awful attitude the last few weeks so something in her life is bothering her and she has just choose to take it out on them! They then said the hit over head was done in jest as they were messing and wife forgot bottle was in there and apologised straight away! And that she was also rude to the wife's dad today!!

Dd just really upset and feels like wife is always shouting at her whenever they go out! And that she did not apologise for hitting her and that she was def not rude to wife dad (in fact she looked positively shocked when this claim come out!

She is still claiming she is not going to dads, then in next breathe said that her dad didn't even seem like he wanted to see her when he called to speak and asked if she was going at weekend!

Maybe I am over reacting, she was a sleepover last night and I know if she is tired she get very tearful!

This is just the first time ever she had ever said she doesn't want to see her dad! And now she is worried they are cross with her and saying she doesn't want to see wife as she will be cross!

I don't want her feeling like this, I want her to be able to tell me anything

OP posts:

Bloodyteenagers · 29/12/2013 22:25

FFs woman, phone the bloody police and let them deal with this. If an adult assaulted my child, I would be fucking livid and want to rip their heads off, but rationally I would call the police.
You realise that by fucking around and taking your time, you are covering up, and when the shit hits the fan you will also be investigated? You think your child will just forget about it? No. She will go into school and she will tell them, questions will be asked and one of the first questions will be why did you do nothing?

Be a parent and do the right thing. The right thing starts with protecting your children.

SantasPelvicFloor · 29/12/2013 22:29

Tell your daughter that no one is allowed to hit her and you would like to talk to the police. See what she would like to do

wallypops · 29/12/2013 22:34

I'm sorry, I've been in a similar situation and you have to go to the police. My ex threatened to beat our DDs sometime in the future when they reached a certain age. I went to the police, wrote to the family courts, contacted social services etc (in France where we live). There were no consequences for my ex - but at least it is now logged, and if the children ever ring the police when they are at his house they will be registered as a priority. I know you are scared of the consequences, but the consequences of doing nothing will be irreparable - you are showing you daughter that she is powerless and that you cannot or will not protect her - bullying is unforgivable by anyone to anyone - it must NEVER go unchallenged. Sorry but you have to man up here and go to the police. It'll much less scary than you imagine. Phone now, tonight, stop procrastinating.

FolkGirl · 29/12/2013 22:50

Of course he phoned her and tried to persuade her that what happened didn't happen.

What exactly did you expect him to do?!

SirChenjin · 29/12/2013 22:52

Phone the police for advice - if nothing else. You owe it to your DD.

Quoteunquote · 29/12/2013 22:57

Everything wallypops said,

and more,

Your first responsibility is to your child, and the police make the judgment call as to if her been hit is an accident or not.

Please phone them and get this logged,

This is an important lesson to your daughter how people are allowed to behave towards each other, a line was crossed.

Original poster

Mintymoomoo · 29/12/2013 22:57

Called police and logged it, officer will call in tomorrow eve after work.

OP posts:

comedycentral · 29/12/2013 22:58

Please believe your child and call the police I beg you! Dad was totally trying to pacify your daughter when he secretly called her.

Please call them for your child's sake, Dad clearly can't protect her BUT YOU CAN

Goldchilled7up · 29/12/2013 23:00

You did the right thing.

comedycentral · 29/12/2013 23:03

Just seen your post. Well done.

comedycentral · 29/12/2013 23:04

Are you ok op? It can't have been easy. What a rotten woman she is.

Original poster

Mintymoomoo · 29/12/2013 23:11

Yeah I'm ok, had good chat with dd and do believe her though maybe it's not all quite as bad as I first though, but something to do with her stepmum is clearly bothering her!

What I didn't like during phone all to EXH was how he disagreed when I said it not her place to disapline! His attitude is that she is also there parent and she has as much right as me or him! Also when I said at moment she is so upset she doesn't want to come next week he said " we do not have to jump because she says so, we will not be dictated to"

It's just given me a headache, finally got dd settled, think I need sleep to

OP posts:

wallypops · 29/12/2013 23:14

Thank god for that - well done. Please do not minimise this - you should be outraged - how dare this woman and now you ex bully your child. Hold on to the anger and outrage and don't analyse it further.

Believe your children or they wont have you to turn to either. At another time explain the absolute importance of telling the total truth - because of the absolute importance of you being able to believe them. The other side of this is that when they tell you stuff, you have to deal with it however much you might not want to.

Very often the divorced adults (and other family members) in the lives of children, will try and manipulate them in small (and not so small) ways. Your kids are going to learn how to deal with this unfortunately. What their father did tonight by phoning is a good example of this. Use this as an example and talk to your daughter about it. She will have some instinctive ideas/feelings about this. Talk to her about using her gut instinct.

comedycentral · 29/12/2013 23:14

Bless her. I am just speculating here but I think stepmum probably takes all her jealousy and anger out on your DD via emotional abuse.

It's good your DD has come to you. Your ex is a bag of shite right now. His reaction is awful.

Hope you and DD sleep well tonight x

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