feel so alone and deceived

[divorcedtobe]

name changed.
after sticking with husband five years ago after finding out about his prostitute visits and strip club nights out while i was 6 months pregnant, after putting up with his binge drinking which he refused to give up, after going part time and saying see you later to my career so i could take on all house responsibilities so he wouldn't have to, after relate counselling, after seeing him through sex addiction therapy and aa which he did not really commit to and did out of obligation, after feeling so lonely in a marriage where he was perfect to the world but behind doors he was polite detached and on his phone and out at the gym or with work, after feeling like one of his porn fantasy women in bed and feeling invisible, after feeling like something wasn't right but carrying on carrying the family, after seeing him look at, talk to and talk about other women with a glint in his eye while he looked at me as if i was a random stranger, after finally flipping out because he looked at me with disgust and said he didn't trust me even though he was the one with the credit card debts and private phone/email life, after all i forgave he told the world i was a psycho controlling woman, after asking to be forgiven he said i was unforgivable, after all the love i felt, after waiting to be his number one he tossed me to the side and said he was ready to leave and was so so cruel about it. i am crushed and broken but have to keep being strong for my kids. i am alone and devastated.

I'm sorry you've been through all that.

If you can put up with all of that- you can cope with this. You can.

Please try to think of the positives. You'll no longer feel second best. You'll no longer be lonely with another adult in the house. You can begin healing and finally find someone who loves you as you deserve.

He's a cunt. Read your op back. He's a nasty, waste of space cunt and you are well rid. I'm sorry you're hurting g but you'll be ok. You will.

Take a day at a time. Focus on you and dc.

Has it just happened? Do you have supportive friends?

argued mid nov. been asking him to give us a chance. he's been going out loads while i look after kids. sex a few times i thought bringing us closer but 2nd and 3rd time felt like i was being used sexually. he moved out day before christmas. he has kids this weekend. feel like he's been pretending for years and ive been stupidly hanging around.

Not stupidly hanging around. You wanted to make it work.

However, you need to accept you can't make it work alone. All those times you've felt used and silly.....make a change now. Summon all your strength and let him fuck off. Let him go. No more begging or pleading, telling him it can work...just go as no contact as you can.

Start working on you. Plan some nice things for you and dc in next few weeks.

Do you know where he's gone? Day before Xmas was horrible time to go. Did he plan it or just walk out? Remember that this happening now is even worse for you. Just dig deep for all your strength.

Have you got support from fam/friends???

He has been pretending and using you - no doubt about that.

You have been trying far too hard to make it work with someone who wasn't worth your time, love or focus.

However, now is the time to look forward - not backwards. New Year, new life, new focus.

Firstly you need to go and get checked out - that is vitally important.

Then you need to do whatever you can to secure yourself financially.

You are an amazingly strong woman - you can do this and you will be much much happier once you sort yourself out - honest.

i thought i was going to die from stress so told a senior manager at work who encouraged me to look at pros and cons of staying and waiting for him to decide. next day on 20 dec said ok to splitting. i arranged for him to see some places and he took one sat before christmas. i arranged mediation session and told kids. been crying when alone.

Does it feel a little less stressful already? I know it hurts but do you feel relief that you don't have to try to make it alright any more???

I used to say to myself- "the worst has happened"... You know you don't have any more drama/upset/betrayal to put up with. The only way is up.

haven't seen place but it is ten minutes away. i thought he was my best friend but he has said things recently that i wouldn't say to an enemy. knew he had issues with addiction he's always blamed me for his getting wrecked porn etc said it was normal which i knew was not true but i thought that we'd be ok. but in the cold light of day now that he can paint me as unreasonable he has been mean. feel really let down.

feel a little less stressed, feel really alone as my social life is not as huge as his, miss my kids but ironically this is the first break iv'e had at the weekend in years.

Just sending hugs. Mamma has give some very good advice.

Next year will be so much better.

*given

My DH says .... I hope that lady isn't depressed, she should be having a party, best day of her life.

feel even more of a fool for crying over it and wasting tears and time on him. can't stop crying

Op... If you have survived all that you can do anything you put your mind to!!

That includes divorcing this man & starting life over

Meant to say you sound despite the odd sad day or angry day strong enough to get through it & come out the other side a whole person. Someone who is in control & living life again. Good luck.

i put in so much to make a good family home. and he doesnt want it. he wants to go out and drink and be in trendy pubs with cool people. i'm not cool or enough fun or confident enough anymore. i dont know who or what i am. feel like i gave myself away trying to make us a family

thank you for listening/reading chipping, mamma, troop, bohemian, rainbow. dont want to be rude not addressing you back by name. am just so lost

Yes, agree with poster upthread. You don't feel like it now but in years to come you will see this weekend as the start if the rest of your life.

Of course he has more social life. He was using you as a child minder. You can start going out, relaxing at home, having friends over for take away....whatever you please.

2014...is YOUR year. He was not your best friend. He was treating you terribly. Be your own best friend now. You CAN do this. The tears are normal. Allow them to come, let it all out then pick yourself up when you're ready.

Listen- if he didn't bloody appreciate that home then you can appreciate just you and dc. Let him go and be on trendy bars. Big deal. Real life is having a happy family not stood chatting to 'cool' people. I tell you what...he's not a 'cool' persin is he??? Woud his cool mates think he was so cool if they knew he had treated his wife and kids like this?? Pristitutes? Drinking? Arsehole behaviour???

I think the best thing he ever did for you was leaving. Honestly. There's a great future out there for you and your dc...without him holding you back and making you feel unworthy. 'Cool' people...how old is he, 12???! !!!

Now listen D2B, HE is not cool enough to be a decent family man and husband. HE isn't fit to be by YOUR side. If his mates/friends knew what he was really like love, they'd not want to hang out with him.

Your only 'crime' here was to believe that he could be a better person. Your only fault was to hope blindly, in the face of all the contradictory evidence, that he would change and be the man you wanted him to be.

You are feeling idiotic now, because you are realising how you gave everything you had to give to help him salvage your marriage, but he didn't bother.

You are humilliated, feel monumentally idiotic, but this will pass. You will get angry, indignant and you will rise again.

He will always be a lying, cheating, whoring prick, who if the truth got out would be a social pariah.

You are mourning the death of hope, the death of your marriage, but it died the minute he paid for prostitutes. He did this, not you.

You will rise love, you really will, and you have the whole of MN here to talk to, cry on the shoulder of, or vent to.

We're not bad for a nest of vipers.

This time next year you will see the growth you make in 2014, and you will be a day closer to actually being grateful to being free of him and his vile shady little life.

house feels so big and empty with just me in it. seems a waste all the effort i put in now. wanted a family to be happy and noisy in it. so much silence.

and yet i know you all speak the truth that i'm best off without him. after so many years it is such a shock.

You are feeling a little lost love, even when MY DS isn't here, at afterschool or at friends it's odd. You have been through so much and at the moment want your DC around you, they will be home soon though won't they?

then you'll be desperate for a bit of peace and quiet!

I'm being flippant, but it will get easier and you will learn to enjoy having time OFF from being Mummy, Mummy, Mummy. You are hurting and vulnerable right now, so please be kind to yourself and remind yourself that all of this IS for the best, and you and your DC will be happier long term.

Your DC will be happy and noisy in it, when they come home. go make a cuppa and put your feet up! read a book if you can.

this shock will pass.

you are one strong lady. you will be ok. good to cry it needs to come out or it will eat you away. you can hold your head high and in days, weeks and years to come you know you did everything right by your kids to try and make it work.

you will able to look them in the eye when they are adults and say you gave it everything.

how old are dcs?

its so hard over Christmas too I think. I'm just looking forward to new year and hoping I will actually truly enjoy next Christmas as this year I perfected zoning out.

i have three best best friends but know each one individually and i've not had a group of girl friends since uni. i always said to myself i would never give my life over for a man and yet here i am. don't even know when it happened. there was always some drama i guess it just crept up while i was patching him/us/me up and raising the kids etc.

all of your responses have helped a lot. can i keep returning to post?

seems like everyone in real life is just getting on with their lives (rightly so of course i know the world doesn't stop spinning). even husband who seems so carefree and unphased by the end of the marriage.

hissy. ok i'm going to make a cuppa as you've told me to. i've stopped crying.

thank you for reading/listening. i think this thread on mumsnet might keep me from falling to pieces.

mini they are both primary infants. am actually glad it happened over Christmas as i at least know that next year cannot/will not be as bad. i hope we both truly enjoy it next year.

Exactly what hissy said...

Exactly that!!!

You'll be ok. You will. Yes, keep posting- it'll help I'm sure. It did with me. Find who in real life you can talk to and trust to help you.

Try to make the most of the time without dc. I remember hating it at first but even if you just drink a cuppa and potter around, even if you tidy for when they're back...

Holding your hand here- I know how sad you feel but you do still sound strong, honestly you do...