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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

feel so alone and deceived

33 replies

divorcedtobe · 29/12/2013 11:44

name changed.
after sticking with husband five years ago after finding out about his prostitute visits and strip club nights out while i was 6 months pregnant, after putting up with his binge drinking which he refused to give up, after going part time and saying see you later to my career so i could take on all house responsibilities so he wouldn't have to, after relate counselling, after seeing him through sex addiction therapy and aa which he did not really commit to and did out of obligation, after feeling so lonely in a marriage where he was perfect to the world but behind doors he was polite detached and on his phone and out at the gym or with work, after feeling like one of his porn fantasy women in bed and feeling invisible, after feeling like something wasn't right but carrying on carrying the family, after seeing him look at, talk to and talk about other women with a glint in his eye while he looked at me as if i was a random stranger, after finally flipping out because he looked at me with disgust and said he didn't trust me even though he was the one with the credit card debts and private phone/email life, after all i forgave he told the world i was a psycho controlling woman, after asking to be forgiven he said i was unforgivable, after all the love i felt, after waiting to be his number one he tossed me to the side and said he was ready to leave and was so so cruel about it. i am crushed and broken but have to keep being strong for my kids. i am alone and devastated.

OP posts:
whitsernam · 29/12/2013 14:02

Sweetie, you can keep posting as long as you like, and the people who answer on here really really are (usually) very supportive and helpful. I recognize some names here, and they've been through it all! You however, sound very together despite how you're feeling moment-to-moment. Prepare yourself for a rollercoaster of emotions, as your feelings will be somewhat similar to "hormonal" responses during pregnancy, etc. and get ready for "fwBingo".... If you don't know what that is, read some other postings in Relationships and you'll soon find out. You will also get a feel for how others cope/d and what support you can find. This is a good place for you right now IME.

Welcome!

louby44 · 29/12/2013 14:02

divorced I know exactly how you feel. My exDP and I split on the 9th Dec after nearly 6 years together. Long story but he hasn't been kind to my DSs. I'm very sad as I still love him but I have to put my kids first.

I've done this before though in 2006 when my ex-husband left me and my 2 DS. That was much worse than my current split!

It's a process, like grieving. You have to sort of make your way through it to the other side. You need to do nice things for yourself, read, listen to music, watch a film, play with your kids, go for a walk. Give yourself time. Some days you will feel like crying all day, let yourself.

If you want to PM me any time please do

((hugs))

Minime85 · 29/12/2013 15:32

hope your cuppa helped. mine are primary age too and I think that helps in terms of how they react and adapt compared to teenagers (based on my experience as a secondary teacher) there's obviously no right time but if its going to happen better to do it than string it out until teenagers.

anyway I can recommend mum and dad glue as a good book to help little ones understand what's going on and for older primary age one called I dont want to talk about it.

my h left 7 weeks ago. I'm mostly ok but have had some shocking days especially in run up to Christmas.

its so hard when everyone around seems happy but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I only have 2 closest friends I've confided in about everything. and mnet and threads like the one you've been brave enough to put on have kept me sane. I have no one in RL who is in my situation as much as they are being amazing. I'm finding mnet so helpful to share and air my feelings and get great support and help...so post away chick. you will be helping yourself but also someone else like me just by being there Smile

divorcedtobe · 29/12/2013 18:23

Cuppa helped. Had some cereal. Can't eat when I get stressed. Seems like a lot of us are going through it right now. Men being cruel. Men upping and leaving. Mine is/ was supposedly a decent guy to the world. Bohemia made me chuckle with the comment from her husband that I should be celebrating. But part of me keeps replaying the relationship and thinking about what I could have done differently. Even over the final weeks I was trying to give him the space that he wanted and he basically went out constantly and used the house as a crash pad.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 29/12/2013 18:42

There's nothing you could have done differently...nothing.

He is who he is...

Please keep eating little and often. Look after yourself! Xx

divorcedtobe · 29/12/2013 19:22

Mamma I've just put some oven chips on.
I worry about my kids being with him. I thought I knew him now I just don't know. I haven't texted or called to check they're ok as this is meant to be their time with him and we are not on speaking terms. Is this a mistake should I ask how they are? I'm trying to be civil and do this right but also feel guilty for letting the kids spend three days/four nights away from home so soon after the split. Am trying to use the holiday to let them get used to two homes and not seeing both parents though when he was here he wasn't really here anyway. So confused.

OP posts:
Minime85 · 29/12/2013 21:55

its very difficult if you aren't on speaking terms. I'm sure he would have been in touch if there were any issues. I think it sounds like he will have a reality check over what its like. mine certainly spend more quality time with their dad now. although haven't stayed yet as eldest won't go. planned for January.

think you are holding things together really well. I've tried to plan things to keep me occupied and seen the time on my own as positive as I never got it before.

TheBakeryQueen · 31/12/2013 10:49

You sound amazingly strong! His loss!

How are you today?

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