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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Weddings and dp's family

46 replies

Bigfatgypsyweddingwatcher · 29/12/2013 11:21

Been with dp 7 years, have a dc, live together, engaged.
All seemed fine with his parents until we announced dc was expected. We were never close but always seemed to get along, talked etc.
As soon as pg was announced everything changed. They won't talk to me, have told me they don't like me, never have, I'm a nasty person, bad mum etc etc.
Have tried talking to them several times but they won't accept any responsibility, it's all my fault, I've ruined their relationship with DP and I've torn the family apart.
Dp has contact with them on a regular basis, takes dc up to see them etc.

So now we're talking about setting a date, planning and booking a wedding. My problem is that DP wants his parents there and I don't.
I feel I've compromised enough in the past and I'd like to be able to relax and enjoy the day which I won't be able to do if they're there.
I can't ask that of him though. I can't have my parents there and not his. He won't agree to a registry office wedding and even going abroad they'd come.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bigfatgypsyweddingwatcher · 29/12/2013 11:22

Do I just get on with it and not enjoy the wedding day?

I'm totally stuck now.
If anyone can help id really appreciate it.
Thanks.

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 29/12/2013 11:31

What does he say about how they treat you op? I don't think you should be rail roaded in to anything until you see where his line in the sand is.

Original poster

Bigfatgypsyweddingwatcher · 29/12/2013 11:38

I've been nc with them for at least a year now. DP thinks because it's been so long I should just forget it and ignore them. He doesn't understand how I'd feel having them there. Just because it happened a while ago doesnt mean its fine now. If we argue it's always about this. He sees it that this is how they've always been and as he's grown up with it, he's used to it.
He's had periods of NC with them after big arguments etc but always goes back.
I don't feel I can ask him to go nc, he has to come to that himself.
He does stuck up for me with them, won't let them get away with slating me etc but does defend them to me.

OP posts:

HissymasJumper · 29/12/2013 13:45

I think this is a perfect situation to go abroad and get married on holiday. Just you and him if need be.

They simply CAN'T treat you like this and expect to come to your wedding!

Beggars belief what people think you have to suck up in the name of 'family'. how about being made to be held to a HIGHER account instead of being made to STFU and take more and more abuse?

BohemianGirl · 29/12/2013 13:50

*All seemed fine with his parents until we announced dc was expected. We were never close but always seemed to get along, talked etc.
As soon as pg was announced everything changed. They won't talk to me, have told me they don't like me, never have, I'm a nasty person, bad mum etc etc. *

So hey tolerated you as a girlfriend - was the baby planned? do they think you trapped him?

Have tried talking to them several times but they won't accept any responsibility, it's all my fault, I've ruined their relationship with DP and I've torn the family apart.

How have they come to that conclusion?

Frankly even if you were Lucrezia Borgia, they should keep their opinions on their childs choice of partner to themselves.

BUT - your partner does have a choice in whether he wants to keep avenues open with his family.

He does stuck up for me with them, won't let them get away with slating me etc but does defend them to me.

As you say, he's always defended you to them, and similarly he doesnt like you dissing his family in his earshot. He's not in a good place is he?

scaevola · 29/12/2013 13:52

Elope.

But you also need to work on the bigger picture of what the relationship with his family will be like in the long run. Is DH secretly hoping for a miracle that will fix it?

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 29/12/2013 13:58

I'd also elope under the circs - would your DP really not go for that?

Original poster

Bigfatgypsyweddingwatcher · 29/12/2013 17:54

I'd love to go abroad and so would dp but they'd get an invite and I suspect they'd come. I feel like that would be worse?! Travelling with them and being stuck on a holiday with them. No thanks.

Yes I was tolerated as a gf. I don't think they believed it was serious. His mum liked his previous gf and was disappointed they broke up (nothing to do with me). Like I said, we wern't close but beer seemed to be any problems. His dad was always friendly, his mum quiet but I was told this was what she was like and his sister always very chatty. Since all this happened his sister is completely nc with us (including our dc) and his mum and don't basically pretend I don't exist.

The baby was planned but we obviously didn't tell them we were ttc! No one knew. We waited until after the 12 week scan to tell people. His mum said "you're bloody joking" and stormed out. We then got asked if it was planned or a mistake . I should imagine they think I got pregnant to trap him. That seems to be there way of thinking.

They basically don't agree on anything I do or say and because me and dp agree on a lot parenting wise, they say it's all my idea, always get my own way etc.
They think it's disgusting and unfair that I bf (because then no one else can feed dc), there's something wrong with me because I wouldn't let them have dc for the day or overnight from birth as well as lots of other things.
I appreciate we're not all the same but when they're in our house, it's my 'way'. Things like, I don't like people just turning up unannounced (especially when we're sleeping with a newborn or I'm in the middle of learning to bf and they try and take the baby off me) fair enough if you don't mind but I do and this is my house. Have some respect.
I will not allow you to take me dc out for the day on your own (partly because I barely feel I know them) when they are newborn. I don't think that's unreasonable.

It goes on really. Apparently I'm a snob (?!) because I don't like to hear his mum saying 'cunt' in public and I'm "just not a nice person". His sister has been pretending all the time to like me and really she can't stand me.

It really is dp's choice whether to have contact. I don't ever want to force him to make that choice. It's got to e his decision.
I feel bad for him as he's totally stuck in the middle.

I'd love to elope but dp wants a big family and friends wedding and yes, he's definitely hoping for a miracle fix!

OP posts:

HissymasJumper · 29/12/2013 17:56

You know what? I'd not marry this man if he wouldn't stand up for me and tell his family to FTFO if they think they can treat you like this.

Postpone everything until he sees sense.

Original poster

Bigfatgypsyweddingwatcher · 29/12/2013 17:57

Hissy, I've considered that bit I can't live with thinking I'd 'made' him cut them off. I want him to chose and to make it his decision. That way I know he could like with it and he wouldn't resent me.

OP posts:

StrainingWaistband · 29/12/2013 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HissymasJumper · 29/12/2013 18:19

It's not about cutting them off (yet) it's about him manning the fuck up and defending you, his partner and mother of his child.

If you marry him without this situation being addressed and ideally solved, there will be no bargaining position left.

Be strong, put your foot down.

Original poster

Bigfatgypsyweddingwatcher · 29/12/2013 18:54

I have told him what would happen if it were my parents.
I'm not sure about loving him but they sure as hell don't respect him. He's treated dreadfully unless they want something. He just can't see it I guess. They've always treated him this way and it makes me so sad sometimes.
They don't appreciate him and sometimes they can be really toxic. It's easy looking from the outside in I guess. I was warned but I didn't realise how bad they were until this all started.

Do you mean I should tell him not to invite them?
I don't know if I can. He know I don't want them there. I just don't feel I can be selfish and make him not invite them.

OP posts:

Gillian1980 · 29/12/2013 19:33

I'd lay it on the line and say the choice is either that you elope and have nobody there at all, therefore not singling his parents out; or not get married at all.

You would clearly feel upset and uncomfortable to have them there which is not ok for your wedding day. But likewise it is unfair on him to not have his parents there if yours are going.

He needs to see that compromise is necessary.

hamptoncourt · 29/12/2013 19:55

Please please do not marry this "man" until you are sure he is going to prioritise you over his mummy.
Posters who say it is unfair on him not to have his parents there clearly have never been in your position where you are being asked to invite someone who is openly hostile, critical and plain nasty to you to attend your wedding.
It isn't fair on you OP to have to deal with these wankers and not have your partner defending you.

StrainingWaistband · 29/12/2013 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tinkertaylor1 · 29/12/2013 20:21

Do t have anybody at your wedding that isn't happy to see you married.

My mil ruined BIL and sils wedding crying in I hanky and not out of joy.

If you marry in to this family with the attitude they have towards you now, expect it to last a life time. Mil and sil have had an 18 year battle.

There comes a time when you have o ask dp where his loyalties lie I'm afraid.

HandragsNGladbags · 29/12/2013 20:24

I'd stop them seeing your dc! If they can't be respectful to the child's mother why should they have a relationship with them?

Pimpf · 29/12/2013 20:26

I wouldn't marry him. How can he expect you to have these people at what is supposed to be a very special day?

Original poster

Bigfatgypsyweddingwatcher · 31/12/2013 12:52

I have considered stopping them seeing my dc but part of me thinks I'd just be lowering myself to their level doing that. I don't think my dc should suffer because they hate me, I'm more than sure they will come to their own conclusions of the grandparents. Dp is always there, no way will they see dc on their own.

With regards to just not marrying dp, I am marrying him! I'm sure this will get sorted (it'll have to) but I just wanted some opinions. It's not a case of not getting married- we've got dc, live together and I WANT to get married. I love him! Yes, there are problems but who hasn't got them?!

OP posts:

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 31/12/2013 15:26

Bigfatgypsy - your DC won't suffer from not seeing your DP's family - they're more likely to suffer if they DO see them, by the sound of it. Do not underestimate the level of unpleasantness that these people will stoop to - they will try to poison your children against you, and that will make your children very uncomfortable indeed. They will have to put up with a lot of misery before they are able to "come to their own conclusions" about their GPs. It's not "lowering yourself to their level" to cut contact - it's preserving the safety and comfort of your DC.

Ask your DP exactly WHY he wants this big wedding:
is it to show his parents he's done something right? because they don't agree already and will show that quite plainly.
Is it because he's proud of you and wants to show YOU off to everyone? Because you don't want that.
Is it just because it's expected of him and he'll get slated for not providing the free booze and meal? Because they can go and stuff themselves, if that's the case.
Is it because he wants the big party? Because you can get married separately beforehand with no one there to arse it up and then have a big party later.

There are ways around it, he just needs to identify his honest reasons for wanting to put you through this ridiculous ordeal.

InTheFace · 31/12/2013 15:39

Will you really not be able to enjoy your wedding day, with all the build up and excitement, with presumably loads of other people there including your own nearest and dearest, just for the sake of three guests? I know they are significant guests, but can't you just get on with it? Ignore them as much as you can on the day?

Presumably they won't want to make a scene for DP's sake, and maybe DP can tell them to behave. But I don't see this as a big deal - it's not unusual for a bride or groom to not get on with their in laws. This is your day, let DP deal with them, you enjoy yourself!

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 31/12/2013 15:52

"Presumably they won't want to make a scene for DP's sake, and maybe DP can tell them to behave."

I think that this, from the OP, rather puts the kibosh on that idea:
I'm not sure about loving him but they sure as hell don't respect him. He's treated dreadfully unless they want something.

Can't see them being arsed about the DP's opinion - they'll just do what they like.

HissymasJumper · 31/12/2013 15:57

I think relatives like this are more likely to kick up a fuss at a wedding.

It's also the fact that DP won't/can't 'tell them to behave' that is the issue here.

This would be the reason i'd not marry him.

A lifetime of putting up with that shit? No thanks.

Original poster

Bigfatgypsyweddingwatcher · 31/12/2013 17:23

Inthe, there's no way I can relax and enjoy the day with them there. There may only be 3 of them (2 really as his sister will choose not to come whatever happens) but imagine the most vile, hateful people you have ever met and that's close to them.
They have spoilt every happy occasion for us so far.
I won't let them ruin this day for us.

I've decided to tell him they're not invited.

I will discuss them seeing the dc too.

Thank you all.

OP posts:

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