Weddings and dp's family

[Bigfatgypsyweddingwatcher]

Been with dp 7 years, have a dc, live together, engaged.
All seemed fine with his parents until we announced dc was expected. We were never close but always seemed to get along, talked etc.
As soon as pg was announced everything changed. They won't talk to me, have told me they don't like me, never have, I'm a nasty person, bad mum etc etc.
Have tried talking to them several times but they won't accept any responsibility, it's all my fault, I've ruined their relationship with DP and I've torn the family apart.
Dp has contact with them on a regular basis, takes dc up to see them etc.

So now we're talking about setting a date, planning and booking a wedding. My problem is that DP wants his parents there and I don't.
I feel I've compromised enough in the past and I'd like to be able to relax and enjoy the day which I won't be able to do if they're there.
I can't ask that of him though. I can't have my parents there and not his. He won't agree to a registry office wedding and even going abroad they'd come.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

I don't think my dc should suffer because they hate me

Why do you think they will suffer by not seeing these horrible people? More likely to suffer because they do.

I am in exactly the same situation except that our wedding is 18 weeks away. My PIL are just terrible, terrible people. MIL is the main problem but FIL supports her. She lies, manipulates and tries to turn other family members against us. This worsened considerably after our DS was born nearly 2 years ago. DP's sister is a replica of the mother. I have spent the last week in tears for her Xmas antics, and told DP I want nothing more to do with them and to ban them from our lives and the wedding.... It is soooo hard, I feel like crap. But DP grew up scared and could not defend me when they were doing their worst, so feel I have been pushed to this. Last night he admitted he still wants them to come and now I don't want to get married as I can't face them anymore.

GeryD it is time for your DP to man up. He now has a choice -if he insists that his DP's come to the wedding you can tell him that you will therefore not be attending.
He can chose his DP or you--he cannot have both present.
If he insists you know exactly where you stand

Insisting that his parents, who openly hate you, attend your wedding is an UNBELIEVABLY fucking selfish demand for this spineless prick to be making.

It is not at all selfish to insist that people who are openly hostile to you are not invited to be your guests and avail of your hospitality on one of the most special days of your life.

A person who actually really cared about you in the way a husband should would not need something so blatantly obvious pointed out to them.

He has a dream of a big "family and friends" wedding, but he doesn't give a fuck about you having a horrible wedding ruined by people who will make it their business to spoil it for you.

WTAF is wrong with him?

You need to stop making excuses for him.

I have told him that. This is the only problem in our relationship. He just freezes when she starts. It is really odd. I am going to insist. It's not a case of making excuses, it is just fact. He had an emotionally abusive childhood and it left its mark.

It's a pretty big problem though, isn't it?

He is treating you very badly in what he expects you to put up with so that he can have the wedding he wants.

This wedding is for BOTH OF YOU. Or it should be.

So there is quite a lot of selfishness in his refusal of your offer to have a very small wedding and not even invite your own family.

That's a pretty big thing for you to offer given that your family haven't targeted him for abuse.

I'm glad you are going to insist that these people who treat you so badly are not invited to your own wedding, but I am concerned that you are about to tie yourself forever to a man who would want that for you so he can have the party he always imagined.

See, i would concentrate on the marriage and write off the wedding - let him invite them.

3pm ceremony, naice afternoon tea (no alcohol, or only a splash of bubbly for toasts) then "oh dear, must rush, we're off on honeymoon and need to get to the airport" and get the fuck out of there. Have a big party for mates when you get back. Best of both worlds imo

I would concentrate on the marriage by not having it started with my nose being rubbed in his family's foul treatment of me while he had a great time.

No marriage should begin with such complete disrespect for one of the spouses.

Until he gets it through his thick skull that his wife's feelings matter and she doesn't come second to him in everything, then don't marry him.

You are probably right, seems they think you trapped him. I don't expect they gave you a chance thereafter so even if you ff DS and pestered them to babysit they'd still find fault. If you are committed to DP you can only take them as you find them or ignore. They have closed ranks. I would plan the wedding you both want and if they kick off get them ejected. But who wants that cloud hanging over their big day?

There is a strong probability from what you describe they are going to continue to act this way and unless DP tackles this pronto I don't hold much hope for your marriage blossoming. I hope I'm wrong.

I can't see any compromise from him here at all - can't be a registry office do, has to be all singing all dancing all friends and family affair, can't elope, can't be abroad. Where's the compromise?

There is an option of abroad but they would come just to piss me off

Why would you even invite them to a wedding abroad?

The thing that is so ridiculous about this situation is that your DP is insisting these wankers are invited to your wedding no matter what other arrangements you try to put in place, including doing it abroad.

You need to tell him that you will not attend his wedding if he insists of inviting people who are cruel and horrible to you, so he'd better sort out a different bride if he's going to continue to be such a selfish prick about this whole issue.

I'm sorry but I agree with previous poster. Untucking believable!! Who is your supposedly dp marrying again? His parents or you?!!

No way should you even be stressing out about your wedding day and you should not even consider having people that a) don't like you and b) badly behaved.

Your wedding day will be forever tarnished, and it will be the seed of a painful new marriage.

Your dp needs to grow a pair and if he cannot put you first then ask yourself, are you happy being second best in this marriage?! Go back and address this on the head. Go and discuss this in every detail. Make sure you are both happy and can come to harmony. Because its almost a one way street trying to do this when you Mr and Mrs.... Destination divorce!!

Hi

May be useful to find Attilathemeerkat as she has experience with dysfunctional in laws and posts on Stately Homes.

They dont like it because you can see them for what they are.

Good luck OP

Should have said Statelyhomes is a long running thread on mumsnet for people coming to terms with dysfunctional families

Baytree- I've always said this all started because I called them up on their (frankly abysmal) behaviour.
As an outsider I can see what they're like and they don't like me pointing it out but it's fine for them to voice their dislike of me

Thanks all, I'll have a look at the stately homes thread.

op , joinyourplayfellows post is very blunt but spot on.

You cannot marry some one who will not stick up for his wife. Why he would force you to accept people to your wedding who openly hate you is staggering! For what reason would they be there? What would they be celebrating.

Look long in to the future and don't put your need for a ring on your finger blind you to the fact there is some serious issues that need to be delt with. How will they ever be cilvil or respect you when your own dp/dh hadn't got the ball to stick up for you .

Don't fool your self that your dc need a relationship with the toxic arseholes. My mil had embarked on a 18 year war with my SIL and how mil acts around the dgc sometimes is fucking creepy and very passive aggressive towards their mother .

My dh would never allow mil to behave like that to me and she damn well knows it.

two things

1/ the OP says that her DP sticks up for her.

2/ Can anybody give me an example where someone who has been emotionally abused for god knows how many years would be told to "man up" or "grow a pair"? Because I can only think of men that have toxic parents.

Thank you Boney.
Dp does need to make a choice but it's not as easy as that is it?
He's been conditioned to years of believing his parents are 'right' in the way they act.
You can't just turn that off overnight.
Asking someone to cut all contact with their family is never easy for anyone. Even if they know their family is toxic. It's a hard decision to come to.

Your dp has a variety of choices. He can still see his family but for harmony and your reasons, he doesn't have to involve his family in any event that involves you.

One doesn't have to cut off completely as that is hard to do and come to terms with. People obviously can't grow a pair overnight and I'm not suggesting he can do this on his own either. But it does take trigger or something impactful to take that step forward and be brave to do what's right by the op and her family.

Simply by taking the middle ground and defending, protecting the op because the dp SAYS he does is not as impactful as actually DOING he says he does.

Op I don't have all the facts and there are two sides to everything but I know what my dp would do in this situation.

Ok the way I see it is your dp has to step up here. He has to lay the ground rules. They have to make an effort with you, talk to you, be civil to you and friendly.
Then you will WELCOME them to join you fir the wedding and any other family occasions, but unless they are willing to do that then they will not be invited
This has to come from dp and he has to mean it