why is his phone on silent?

[moominleigh94]

I need to speak to my boyfriend I just need support and comfort because I'm so stressed over the money issues he's causing on top of everything else, I love him to bits but he needs to see what he's doing, I know it's late but I'm trying to text him and his fucking phone is on silent again. I know he's probably asleep but I'm 23 weeks pregnant, what would I do if there was a problem with the baby, how would I get in touch with him, I've told him about it so many times but he never listens. he doesn't seem to get stressed about money and he doesn't seem to understand, he's so good in some ways and in others I feel so alone, I can't do this on my own but I can't carry on like this either. sorry for posting here, I'm in bits and need to vent and release it all. he's been staying with his family over Christmas, I know his phone is on he just isnt hearing it. feels like he can switch off from this pregnancy and all the worries and I can't, I'm scared he's going to leave me because he might think I'm being controlling and I know I maybe am but this is so difficult and scary and I feel like I'm doing it alone and I can't

I'm sure someone will come along with something constructive in terms of the problems you're having in your relationship, but...

From a practical POV could you buy a cheap crappy phone that only you have the number of, for during the pregnancy? That he keeps on loud.
I have my phone on silent most of the time but if I were in your Dp's position would hate to miss an important call. Most phones these days are hooked up to email accounts and all sorts receiving rubbish (so BEEPBEEP) 24/7. A cheap phone just for night time/other busy times (like in work meetings, etc) emergencies might be worthwhile?

Depends whether you think there is a logical reason he has it on silent (as above), though, rather than just selfishness/thoughtlessness

I know you're stressed, but it is very late, I normally put my phone on silent when I go to sleep too

I think all the things you need to talk to him about are better discussed in the morning rather than in the middle of the night, can you try and get some sleep yourself and speak to him tomorrow

And don't worry yourself about 'what if' something was wrong, it sounds like everything is fine with your baby and believe me I know money worries are horrible but you wouldn't really get anything resolved talking right now so late

I don't know him but from my pregnancy pov I can offer some advice.

I was made redundant at 20 weeks, we had just sold out house but hadn't found another and were therefore homeless with the prospect of no longer getting the mortgage we could have. All the Extra stressreally put the pressure on. There were also constant bloody problems with the pregnancy. This led to me being extra anxious and suffering with panic attacks. It made me clingy to my oh. He, to an on edge, hormonal and anxious wife, seemed indifferent and carefree. His reality however was that of frustration that I had turned into a manic worrier and on top of that he too was suffering with the stress of being potentially homeless and redundant yet having the pressure of it being his job to provide.

He was at times snappy and short tempered and was forever just wanting to go out on his own, just to walk the dog or the shops. If I couldn't get hold of him I'd be having a breakdown when he walked in.

Now I have my beautiful baby. Everything worked out and all that stress only served to taint the pregnancy experience for us.

My suggestion would be take a step back. Your pregnant and worried and understandably so, but he is more than likely feeling an overwhelming amount of pressure and expectation. Is it reasonable to ring him at 2 am to sound off about your worries? I understand completely about the having to get hold of him but in that case maybe make a concerted effort not to contact him during unreasonable hours so that if you do he knows that it's with good cause and there's an emergency. The other phone is a good idea.

Things usually work themselves out because and when your lo arrives everything will be put into such a clear perspective you'll realise that you spent time worrying about things that you needn't. Try and enjoy the pregnancy and when you're facing those nighttime wobbles come on here and vent.

I think you should only call someone at this hour if it's an emergency.

Talk to people here.

You really shouldn't be waking people up, even your bf at this time, to just talk.
If there was an emergency you'd call 999.
23 weeks is not that heavy. I went on work trips at that time.

If he's causing money troubles, then think carefully if you want him in your life. And your child's.

its not that I wanted to discuss the major issues with him, I just needed a bit of support, my anxiety levels have been massive lately and last night I felt like I'd come to the edge and I was scared.

theres lots of back story but I think why I was so annoyed was he has a group of female friends who are all having shitty relationships or single, and they're constantly messaging or texting or calling him to offload any time of day or night, and whern we're togethgert he always is able to get up and answer them and he's constantly attached to it, they use it to flirt with him because he just wants to help but sometimes I wonder if he needs to be needed, and when not overtired and very hormonal, I'm fairly independent so I don't for with that. so I think there's jealousy there that these girls get him at all hours but when it comes to me he can switch off from what's happening.

this isn't major issue in the scheme of things but last night it felt like the last straw and I just needed somewhere to vent.

but 1.30 am isn't the right time to talk about these things.

Ah. Basically you wanted reassurance he wasn't with someone else?
What is your anxiety related to? These friends of him?
What are the money worries he's causing?

It seems to me you have one source of anxiety that you could easily eliminate.
The likelihood that he'll come through once the baby is born is very low. More likely he already thinks you are safe, and more so when you have the baby.

Let him go and don't put up with shitty behaviour. Establish your boundaries and enforce them. Do not chase him.
He may come back to you or not, but I bet you will have a more relaxed life.

but I didn't want to talk about those things lougle, I needed some of the support he seems able to give these girls at all hours of the day and night.

Not at 1.30am! Totally unreasonable unless there is an emergency.

If his phone is on silent then presumably he was at that point not supporting them either? Maybe he has had enough of being asked to support "girls" at all hours of the day and night?

Everything seems worse at 1.30 am. I understand that - but you do need to learn to rein it on and not call people (even your bf) at that time unless it is a real emergency. Often what was worrying you at 1.30 seems a bit extreme when you wake up in the morning and it would seem extreme to whomever you called too, especially if you woke them up and there is nothing practical they can do to improve the situation. You need to find some coping mechanisms that rely on you!

With regard to his prioritising his friends over you that is different matter. You need to work out if you genuinely have a partner in this guy and if not you will probably be less lonely if you are indeed alone.

yeah lweji that's pretty much it :( the (probably irrational) party of my mind was telling me that he was to busy looking after someone else.

the latest one is that we're struggling to keep up with payments for things. I'm just about keeping on top by eliminating unnecessary things, he's just spent over £100 on some toys sorry, models, that he's looked at once and then put away. and doesn't see the issue with it.

I feel like I'm paying for every essential for both of us. there's no give and take. he's got a car and a boat spring on his parents drive that he keeps saying he'll sell but never does. when he does sell he wants to give the money to his family, lovely gesture but he knows that we need the money more right now, we'll sort out paying them back for whatever once our heads are above water but no apparently that's not good enough. we need money to find somewhere to live and to make sure we've got what the baby needs. I'm the one who looks at baby catalogues, I'm the one who spends hours on eBay and those Facebook sale sites and it's always my money. he doesn't want to pool any money because I think he knows he'll spend too much of it on crap.

You didn't want to talk about it, but it was about it.
You wanted reassurance you are as or more important than them. Not verbal reassurance, but by actions. You're not very wrong there.

Does he put the phone on silent often when he's away from you?

Do they ring him at 1am and later?

Ah - you think he was actually with someone.

You don't trust him. You should not be with him.

Do you live together?

I wouldn't want to pool money with a person who can't save.
So, you are in debt to his family? How did
That come about?

Sarah that's a bit of a sweeping statement! How can you tell from what op has said?

Op, you're feeling vulnerable and stressed. You're feeling as if you're shouldering too much of the responsibility.

Have you sat down, with a list if needs be and told him all of this? Do you have a joint account? Could you get one for baby/house bits?

Is there any thing else that makes you uneasy about other women? Has he ever actually cheated?

it seems to always be on silent when we're apart lately. I had a scare at uni (I've got a bad infection at the minute and the doctor keeps warning me about the whole premature labour risk and the antibiotics are being very slow to work, which is why I'm so petrified and worried about not being able to reach him, I know the chances are small) I'm not used to being this needy and it scares me, I hate it

but I tried to call him at uni while I was sat down trying to set if everything calmed down on its own which it did in the end but it was so scary for a while, and his phone was on silent. he wasn't in a lecture, turns out he was talking to one of these girls and had put his phone onto silent.

I know Reading this makes me sound like a complete awful girlfriend but I don't think most people make reasonable decisions at 1 in the morning when they're anxious, probably depressed if I admit it, feeling ill and very overtired.

Yeah - I should have phrased that as "should you be with him" For me needing to phone someone at 1.30 in order to be sure that they are not with someone else would answer that pretty definitively but people put up with all sorts in relationships and maybe there are reasons why this is a good relationship despite feeling that way

I could be wrong but are you quite young op?

I was 32 when I was pregnant with my first and I can remember hating feeling needy and a bit dependant for the first time EVER.

When you say 'talking' to a girl, what do you mean? Just out with a mate it do you think there's more to it?

he's never cheated that I know of on me, but in the relationship before last, he slept with another of these 'girls who need fixing' when his relationship was on the rocks, a sort of we were on a break thing I guess but I don't know all the inns and outs.

we don't have a joint account because I had so much on at uni I stupidly hoped that maybe he'd plan a time when we could go, rather than me doing it again, but no. I want to but I'm worried all that money will be flushed away by him. he doesn't gamble drink or smoke, I never thought I'd have these kinds of issues.

I think he feels like he owes his parents and grandparents for bringing him up, at least that's the only explanation I can think of as I don't think he otters them anything else and im definitely not in debt to them.

Has he shown any enthusiasm for this baby at all? Does he make any plans for it, initiate any conversations about it?

there are lots of good things just feels a bit hard to see then at the moment. I'm 19. I don't know what's happened to me, I used to be so independent and ambitious but since getting pregnant I feel so clingy and needy, in the past I never would've called someone at 1am just because I needed a bit of hand holding.

yep. he's always talking about it. feels like he's wanted it more than me from the start, when I was considering abortion it never crossed his mind. he's a few years older so I guess he feels more ready.

I hate the immature side of him. he can be so nature and lovely to be around and reminds me why I love him and why I'm with him, and then he can be like he has been lately, it's like there two completely different sides to him

Moomin It's unreasonable to expect someone to answer texts at 1:30am.

However the rest of your post talks about far more than that issue. Forget the silent phone issue and look at everything else.

You're scared of coping alone. You recognise that this man is a waste of space and cannot support you in the way that you need. Chasing him isn't going to make him rise to the challenge. Forget him. YOU can do it. Focus on you and not on him. Don't waste energy on him, on obsessing over making him be a different person. Focus on you and how you can manage alone. You can get support from different sources but you need to start looking elsewhere and not wasting time on him.