Working 4 days a week and fitting in seeing grandparents

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I have quite a demanding job and work until 3pm Monday-Thursday. DD is 2 years old and goes to nursery 2 days a week and spends the other 2 days with grandparents. My parents are divorced/remarried so we have 3 sets (ie my 2 sets and PIL) so they rotate having DD every third week. DH works normal ish hours and is home by 6pm most evenings.

My DM has alluded to the fact that she doesn't see DD as much as she'd like. I know the other sets of grandparents feel the same but they don't voice it.

I usually stay for a chat for an hour or 2 (until it starts pushing dinner time) when I pick DD up from the grandparents, or they come in for a natter if they drop her off. We try to pop in occasionally at weekends, but generally we have things planned at weekends and so do the GPs (ie PIL sometimes work at weekends) so we sometimes miss them. It can sometimes be that they only see DD on the days they are looking after her.

My free time feels quite limited - I have 2 afternoons between 3-5pm (seeing as I'll chat to the GPs on the other 2 afternoons and then I start getting dinner sorted at about 5pm) to do something quick with DD (park or shops usually, but I'm conscious she's not at home much in the week and so sometimes we'll just play at home as I think it's important for her to spend some time in our house!) and 1 day off per week where we usually go to a toddler group or catch up with friends. Saturdays DH takes DD swimming (a class) which takes up most of the morning and DD still sleeps 1pm-3pm every day, so again we're left with that small afternoon slot, or Sunday mornings and we love spending that time together - me, DH and DD.

I don't want the parents to feel 'used' for childcare only, and we're certainly not dependent on them (DD loves nursery and we could afford for her to go there 4 days pw if necessary) and we do try to see them outside of these days but it doesn't always work and I feel guilty about it (well, it's only really DM who lays the guilt on, my DF and MIL never have) but at the same time DH and I feel reluctant to give up the relatively little time we have together as a family. Also, we try to treat the GPs equally which means we would (rightly or wrongly) feel obliged to spend the same amount of time with them all. For example, if we have one set over for Sunday lunch, we make sure the other two sets come over around the same time too. With the best will in the world, I don't want to spend 3 weekends out of 4 repeating time spent just so that they don't feel left out. And MIL and my stepmother have become quite friendly and see each other once a week so inevitable talk about DD and seeing us so I'm concious they hear about other sets spending time with us. I also don't want DD to be encouraged into having favourites because we see one set more than others. I'm trying to be fair I guess.

But, my DM isn't happy. I don't know how often she would want to see DD (I suspect at least once a week) and she does want DD to think of her as her favourite granny (she's told me this) and I just can't work out how to make it work so that they ALL see DD more often. The only way I can do that is if we spend more of our weekend time with them or drop DD there and DH wants to hang out with her so he's reluctant to do that.

It just feels impossible. I don't know whether we're being selfish and precious or whether it's unfair of DM to put this pressure on when we're pretty stretched and pushed for time anyway.

I don't want to dripfeed but DM has tendancies to make everything about her and DH gets cross because I often question my actions/reactions after I've spoken to her. I'm well aware of the narc stuff and FOG (fear obligation guilt) so wonder if this is just more of that.... Or should we set aside our own preferences and just simply spend more time with the GPs?

Anyone in a similar situation? Would love to hear how you manage this....

Yanbu, she sees your dd more than most grandparents imo. Do you think she is angling to be the only one who looks after her?

I see my dad for lunch every Saturday and my mum every other week on a Sunday as they split 5 years ago and my fil sadly passed away 4 years ago. This is a lot more than they used to get which was one Saturday out of 3 each. I only see DF more as he was very rocked by the split and wouldn't leave the house and talk to people unless it was with me and the dc, although I'm starting to think he enjoys being a hermit

I think you sound incredibly fair and I think your mum probably sees your dd more than most grandparents as they have her for whole days when you are at work. I would carry on as you are.

That sounds mentally exhausting!

If it works for you, DH and DD (the most important person) then I think your DM just needs to bite her tongue and be gracious. You're being fair to everyone, maybe overthinking it all a bit much, but I agree you're doing your hardest to accommodate everyone's feelings.

Maybe as your DD gets older and starts school your DM can help out a bit more in school holidays or something, or as she gets older they can go to events just for them.

If your DM really does want to mind your DD more often then maybe you could cut her nursery time down to 1 day a week and thus save money??

I think your mum needs to lay off, she wants to be dds favourite? Well that's tough isn't it? She has 6 involved grandparents, she is a very fortunate little girl your DM needs to learn to share!

Just tell her you don't see DD as much as you'd like?

Thanks all, it's reassuring to know you don't think I'm being out if order. I possibly am overthinking it and it is mentally exhausting but it's difficult to balance them all. Actually I say all, I think it's more just DM.

We had them all over for Christmas (they get on well enough though we appreciate they wouldn't choose to spend that day with each other if they didn't have to) and DF and PIL have said they had a lovely time, thanked us for hosting etc. I spoke to DM this morning and she was v offish, and I tried to carry on as normal asked her if she enjoyed Christmas Day and she blandly said "er yeah it was nice" then i said "you sound fed up, are you fed up?" and she saud she was and thsts its bloody christmas that does it so i said something aboit it being over gor another tear and she said "thank god". Then asked if she could have the dates she was next having dd as then she would know when she'd next get to see her (with a martyr tone)... I said I'd hope to see her before then (bear in mind I'm working, albeit from home, all next week and DM is working Monday & Tuesday) and she said "hmm we'll see"

Turns out its DMs turn to have DD on the first week back in Jan so hopefully that'll help her not feel so glum.

I suspect this has stemmed from the fact that DD seemed to favour my stepmother somewhat on Christmas Day (though did share herself around everyone too to be honest, just with a slight emphasis on stepmother). I'm not going to encourage any favouritism but I also can't help it if DD does in fact have preferences.

Stupidly I've been in tears over this today. I clearly don't give DM what she wants. DH and i thought Christmas was a success (first time we've done it like that, usually we run round to all three sets and didn't want to do that this year) and now I feel we couldn't repeat it next year because DM blatantly got upset by something or other.

Just feels lose-lose y'know. I am trying to please them all and whilst the other two sets I know are disappointed they don't see DD more I think they appreciate the dynamics whilst DM feels wounded by it. That obviously makes me feel sad in turn.

Do you think there is anything you could do that would please your mother, or if she had your DD full time would she still expect Sunday lunch as well?

From what you've said, whatever you do will not be enough. If she's got this way today from seeing how well your DD gets on with all of her GP, it's because she's probably been living in lalaland where she was your DD's favourite and best GP but now has seen that she's just one of many and she doesn't like that. Her cure to not liking that is to think if your DD spent more time with her then she would like her more.

Doesn't work like that though, does it?

As she works on non-dd days it's not really possible for us to see her much in the week. Weekends we all have different things on - quite often I'll ring to say we'll pop in and they're already out or whatever.

I could drop DDs nursery down to 1 day and see if the GPs would mind doing 1 day each per week but I'm conscious it's quite a big ask. MIL works full time but has days off in the week instead of the weekend so she'd be doing a 6 day week!

Also

I think your DM has the problem, not you, but sounds like a whole other thread! Could you put dd in nursery one day a week and GPs have dd one day each week so at least they each get to have her once a week rather than 2 days every 3rd week?

I agree with Vesuvius I don't think it matters what you do for/with your Mum it sounds like she wants to be the centre of dds world and she won't ever be - it's completely unrealistic.

I think your Christmas Day plan was completely fair and unreasonable, next year if your DM doesn't want to come that is her choice isn't it? Life is all about compromise and she needs to make some as you have.

... I'll be going on mat leave in the summer and I was thinking of seeing if they'd have dd for 1 day every third week (and keep her in nursery 1 day or morning) on the basis that I want to spend mat leave with both children. It that it would probably be good for dd to have her own thing going on and so that the parents aren't suffering withdrawal and on the basis that I'll have more time to nip in and see them or make plans with them a bit more ad hoc.

But thank you all for helping me keep perspective. Am going to send over dd's dates to them all and leave it that DM was glum about Christmas in general and hope she either cheers up or decides to talk to me about it if its a problem with me that's upsetting her.

I think your mum is just enjoying being hard done by (only in her own mind) and would find fault with anything. Therefore, nothing you do will be enough.

Your priority has to be the happiness of dd, dh and yourself - and thats best served by spending weekends as a family

I appreciate you don't want any of your parents to feel like you're using them for childcare, but they are providing childcare and you must be going out of your mind having to spend all that bloody time socialising with them when you've got stuff to be getting on with at home.

I would be quite open with them about that first of all. 'Please don't think I'm being rude but I have to get home to get on with [insert name of domestic chore]'. You'll run yourself ragged being such a people-pleaser.

Next, Christmas sounds like it was a great success. Taking your mum out of the equation, since she was going to sulk whatever you did, you had a lovely day, everyone was on best behaviour, and dd didn't have to divide her time between three houses and three sets of people. Definitely do that next year - start talking about it now. Make it a reality.

You cannot spend more time with them all, you need to have quality time with your dd. If they all wish they could see her more - well, tough bananas. Again, two of the three sets of parents would probably be able to have a mature and sensible conversation about this - and I'd encourage you to discuss it with them and explain your reasoning.

Stop trying to please them. Working on asserting yourself. And I would get yourself over to the Stately Homes thread to talk about fighting back the FOG.

Don't make your MIL do a 6 day week, just to please your DM. That is cruel.

Hmm, I understand the lack of time together at weekends and that being important but is it worth looking at how you spend weekends? When mine were tiny it took me a while to realise that I didn't want to do any long lie ins, cleaning, complicated cooking or diy at the weekend. We did all this at the weekend pre children and still had plenty of time. Post children cleaning and batch cooking got done in the week (after dc in bed), some diy we paid people to do and some cleaning/diy was just not done. It meant we got more time for people, and that was fab. Could you do less at the weekends, even if it means late nights in the week?

In your situation I would try and have the grandparents round for a meal time once a month at the weekend, after all you have to eat anyway and if you do dinner time then it is time limited by dd going to bed and you still have the whole day if you invite them round for 5 or 6. I just think that if you didn't have them helping out for childcare then when would you make the time? Or would you just never see them?

I'm not quite ready for the stately homes thread though have been considering it for a few months...

We have a cleaner in the week, we eat convenience foods at weekends (other than the odd roast on a sundat) or eat out. We don't lie in. We try to keep all the 'jobs' for the week.

Talking to DH about it all we've said we will try to see them all more (new years resolution I guess) and make more arrangements with them.

And the point about not seeing them outside "childcare" is valid. It would be hard to see them so we value those days massively. Yes it works well for us in terms of childcare but I also think it works well for them, and importantly - for dd.

I felt I just had to post as this is something that has often cropped up in my family. My DM always thinking that we spent more time at the DIL's. I use to get upset about it, constant checking to make sure we spent equal time with both at the detriment to ourselves and dashing around the country regardless of my or our needs.

Two things stood out for me that made me be firmer and let the comments wash over me: 1) my DM thought that the DIL's spent so much time at ours that my mother in law had recorded our answer phone message (!). 2) the realisation that no matter how much time we spent with her it was always never enough, not the right quality, etc.

I was fastidious about equaling out time and told her 'I have made sure we have spent equal time with all parents this weekend'. This was an oft repeated phrase.

However my husband died 2 months ago, and once again it came up in conversation instigated by her. I could not believe after everything I had been through in the past 18 months (transplant, cancer, death at 39) that she still could not hold back and had to get it in again - I spent a little over one hour with her that day.

You need to make your decisions with your husband and from what you have posted you sound very fair and honest. You need to get yourself a phrase to repeat ad nausium and let her comments wash over you. You know you are being fair to everyone and if she can't except that there is nothing you can do. It is her issue.

Enjoy your children. Good luck

So sorry to hear that firey my condolences to you, and you speak a hell of a lot of sense

Thank you fiery. I'm so sorry for your loss, and even more sorry that you don't have a supportive DM through such a difficult time, and I imagine your tolerance to deal with that kind of crap is minimal (as well it should be) given everything else you're facing.

Small update already.... Popped in to see DM and DSDad this morning, and took thank you cards from us and DD re christmas stuff and all the help they'd given us this year. DM seemed to be ok actually, there was a very slight bit of tension in the air between her and DSDad so I suspect they'd been bickering (usual). Will pop to see DF and DSMum later this arvo and DH will take dd to see PIL tomorrow when I'm back at work.

DH not thrilled at spending so much time running round seeing them but I fear it has to be done... Not all the time, but once in a while we just need to make mor effort.

Still working up the courage to go on the stately homes thread... DM isn't as bad as a lot of other parents so I feel a bit of an imposter tbh.

I think you are responding to pressure from your mum. Have an open conversation with your Dad or PIL about what they think is fair. As your dd gets older she will have more and more of her own stuff to be doing at weekends, and after school will increasingly be taken up with homework and clubs.

And you deserve some time to do your own thing, I think your DH's instinct is right.

You are a people-pleaser. Your mum is demanding and you want to ensure parity between three sets of grandparents. It's a risky combination.

I realise your mum isn't as bad as some on the Stately Homes thread but I think there will be valuable advice about how to manage her, and your responses to her.

Another reason for standing firm against pressure to give more of your DD's time to your DM is that before too long your DD will have preschool/school to attend and then friends she want to spend time with or activities she wants to do after school and at weekends and parties, etc to go to. It sounds like the other GPs are nice reasonable people who will understand as your DD gets older and the time she spends with them changes but your DM, not so much!

You work, right? And if yr going on maternity leave I'm assuming yr pregnant or have I got that wrong?

I've had this. Its passive-aggressive manipulation of the most unpleasant kind. Yr mother sounds extremely high-maintenance and a little bit of a narc actually. Sorry to be so blunt.

I wonder does she realise that you and your DH didn't have your DD to provide a prop for her and the other GP's to love? It may be worth pointing out gently that as she gets older, goes to school, does clubs etc that as a family your time will become stretched beyond belief..you won't need this stuff in your life.

I can see how much you love and need your DM. But you might come to realise, as I did, that it simply isn't practical to think on this the way you have been. You really are going to go nuts!