Working 4 days a week and fitting in seeing grandparents

[jugglejugglejuggle]

I have quite a demanding job and work until 3pm Monday-Thursday. DD is 2 years old and goes to nursery 2 days a week and spends the other 2 days with grandparents. My parents are divorced/remarried so we have 3 sets (ie my 2 sets and PIL) so they rotate having DD every third week. DH works normal ish hours and is home by 6pm most evenings.

My DM has alluded to the fact that she doesn't see DD as much as she'd like. I know the other sets of grandparents feel the same but they don't voice it.

I usually stay for a chat for an hour or 2 (until it starts pushing dinner time) when I pick DD up from the grandparents, or they come in for a natter if they drop her off. We try to pop in occasionally at weekends, but generally we have things planned at weekends and so do the GPs (ie PIL sometimes work at weekends) so we sometimes miss them. It can sometimes be that they only see DD on the days they are looking after her.

My free time feels quite limited - I have 2 afternoons between 3-5pm (seeing as I'll chat to the GPs on the other 2 afternoons and then I start getting dinner sorted at about 5pm) to do something quick with DD (park or shops usually, but I'm conscious she's not at home much in the week and so sometimes we'll just play at home as I think it's important for her to spend some time in our house!) and 1 day off per week where we usually go to a toddler group or catch up with friends. Saturdays DH takes DD swimming (a class) which takes up most of the morning and DD still sleeps 1pm-3pm every day, so again we're left with that small afternoon slot, or Sunday mornings and we love spending that time together - me, DH and DD.

I don't want the parents to feel 'used' for childcare only, and we're certainly not dependent on them (DD loves nursery and we could afford for her to go there 4 days pw if necessary) and we do try to see them outside of these days but it doesn't always work and I feel guilty about it (well, it's only really DM who lays the guilt on, my DF and MIL never have) but at the same time DH and I feel reluctant to give up the relatively little time we have together as a family. Also, we try to treat the GPs equally which means we would (rightly or wrongly) feel obliged to spend the same amount of time with them all. For example, if we have one set over for Sunday lunch, we make sure the other two sets come over around the same time too. With the best will in the world, I don't want to spend 3 weekends out of 4 repeating time spent just so that they don't feel left out. And MIL and my stepmother have become quite friendly and see each other once a week so inevitable talk about DD and seeing us so I'm concious they hear about other sets spending time with us. I also don't want DD to be encouraged into having favourites because we see one set more than others. I'm trying to be fair I guess.

But, my DM isn't happy. I don't know how often she would want to see DD (I suspect at least once a week) and she does want DD to think of her as her favourite granny (she's told me this) and I just can't work out how to make it work so that they ALL see DD more often. The only way I can do that is if we spend more of our weekend time with them or drop DD there and DH wants to hang out with her so he's reluctant to do that.

It just feels impossible. I don't know whether we're being selfish and precious or whether it's unfair of DM to put this pressure on when we're pretty stretched and pushed for time anyway.

I don't want to dripfeed but DM has tendancies to make everything about her and DH gets cross because I often question my actions/reactions after I've spoken to her. I'm well aware of the narc stuff and FOG (fear obligation guilt) so wonder if this is just more of that.... Or should we set aside our own preferences and just simply spend more time with the GPs?

Anyone in a similar situation? Would love to hear how you manage this....

I would stop with the being very equal now, or rather, thinking that equal means that every single person has to do exactly the same thing. It must be quite disruptive in some ways for your dd to have several sets of carers, and she's bound to start liking some more than others, plus if you have another one into the mix, there may be one set who won't want two children all day.

I would start down the 'different but equal' line now, so that might mean that you do slightly different things with one set than another, perhaps one you meet for lunch on a Sun every now and again, one babysits when you need a hand and so on. You are going to go crazy trying to ensure everything is equal and no-one will be happy anyway! (or at least your mum won't).

As others have said, once your dd is at school, having friends round, clubs etc these things will change and the more you can keep the bonds fluid but strong the better. If you carry on trying to parcel out your time and your dd's time so very precisely this will all fall apart once you get further down the line.

I also notice it is you doing all the work of pleasing them and running round like a headless chicken. That's not good for you in the long term and with another child on the way you may have less incentive for doing this.

I am not sure what you should change, but something probably does need to change. I'm not sure four different sets of carers, five including you, in every week is the way forward here, why not chat to the more easy-going ones about how they see things developing, or even lay out the problem of everyone not getting enough time and see what they say.

I don't think YABU at all, but I do think you are in a difficult situation because of the need to be fair to 3 sets of grandparents. My mum (and dad, but particularly my mum) love spending time with our son and she volunteered to look after him one day a week because she appreciated that, working almost full time, I would struggle to take him to see them every weekend. That's worked really well for us. MIL lives a long way away so sees him much less often, but there's not a great deal we can do about that, and in fairness she's never but any pressure on us to visit more often.

The only thing I can suggest, though this would be massively pandering to your mum, is either to reduce your daughter's nursery days to 1 per week, so she sees each set of grandparents once a week (though our nursery has a 2 day minimum) or ask the other grandparents whether they would alternate weeks so your mum could have one guaranteed day each week, but that does seem unfair when they're not the ones causing the issue.

I work 5 days and have lots family, including 3 sets of close older relatives who all love the DC, so can relate to some of these issues. None of them see as much of the DC as they would like, but none behave like your DM!

Your DM sees your DD for a day every single week, which is way more than most GPs - many live far away from their GPs. She is being unresonable. As for wanting to be the favourite granny, that's an understandable thought but not out-loud statement!

Sounds like you are still pandering to your difficult DM,eg with the resolution to "make more effort" with them all, sounds exhausting, as does your emphasis on "fairness" (equal time), life doesn't work like that.

Don't change your childcare arrangements to further pander to DM!

You need to keep some time for you, your H and DD and to see friends. If you do actually want to spend more time with some/all of them in addition to the "childcare" days, why not just organise things in advance around holidays, eg Easter, bank holiday BBQs, or instead of you collecting DD, ask them to bring her home to you occasionally in the week and make a simple, early dinner for them?

Also sounds like you could do to work on your assertiveness and sense of obligation/guilt. When DM sounds low or annoyed, just don't ask Qs, that's what she wants! If she moans, just change subject, be breezy, or trot out a broken record line.

Ah, sorry, so she has DD every third week. That's still a fair bit. Has she ever offered you help, eg babysitting, weekend childcare so you and DH can spend time together?

Thanks again everyone, you are hitting the nail on the head.

Dc2 is en route to be with us next summer. I will take a year off for mat leave then hope to go back only 3 days pw. Dd has a place at a pre-school from next September when she'll be 2.9 and I'm currently undecided about whether to take it or have her continue at nursery. I think as she gets older she'll benefit more from pre-school and there will be the opportunity to make friends for school. But it's obv only term time. I would hope that dc2 would go to nursery too as I think it's been great for dd to develop social skills. I'm also aware that dd settled better at nursery than she did with any of the grandparents (I imagine because it was 3 weeks between seeing them mostly).

The headache of juggling pre-school and nursery with different start times in opposite directions (both only 5 min walk) as well as grandparents, certainly hasn't been lost on me.

maybe we'll win the lottery so I don't have to work and we can just visit them ad hoc!!

Actually if you weren't working you'd have the same merry-go-round of trying to see them all equally, but the added 'bonus' that they (okay your mum) would think you had all the time in the world for it. You wouldn't get a minute's peace, I'd be tempted to go back full time instead

I had to post as this really struck similiarity with my life.

We have four sets of GP as all ours divorced and re-married. We get guilt from all parties, my dad has mived three times each time closer and closer to us laying it on that it's in the hope of having my kids/seeing them more, FIL mentions at every single phonecall "dont be a stranger", my Mum makes many comments at how i should " ask Mil to help as shes obviously closest"...Mil doesnt complain but has her own favourites.

I try to be fair but our life is one long list of comparison, jibes and desperate attempts to secure time with my children.

I'm posting to say you cant win in this really. Nothing you do will be enough and with the best will in the world anything you do now will unravel later. I had my dd2 and got really very poorly. My mum snatched at time with my DD1, Mil was more keen to help me and as such forged a stronger bond with DD2. Then Dd1 started school and suddenly weekdays arent free anymore and so holidays and weekends are more previous to me too. Because she's at school in one term we've already had six parties, school disco etc as well as Rainbows, Swimming, Sports Club...

These are the things Dd wants to do. So no matter how hard i tried in the nursery years, its all changed since school anyway and DD2 doesnt get the time that Dd1 had as we're dictated a lot by dd1's schedule.

Sorry that was long but i just wanted to show you that you are better seeing them when you can and want to. Because trying to shoehorn them into Dd's schedule will just upset them all more when she starts school. And at that point you value your weekends even more as a family. The dynamics will be ever changing so do what suits you and your children.

Gosh, 4 sets must be tricky!!

It does feel a bit impossible to "win". And thank you all for mentioning about stretched time once dd goes to school (not until sept 2016 but still, that'll go fast if the past couple of years are anything to go by!!)

I'm know I don't have to decide now but one option woukd be to have both children at nursery 8-1 then have the GPs pick them up once a week each and have them for the afternoon perhaps, give them tea then get them home... We'll see how things go over the next year or so I guess.

But thanks for making me not feel precious/special

Pressed too soon!!

I meant precious or selfish about time DH and I spend with dd!

I can only echo what others say about it getting harder at school when e.g. only 4 tickets per family for nativity show. Plus various parties every other weekend. One thought that might work is rather than going to grandparents every 3 weeks, trying to sort it so that she maybe sees two sets in a week but just for one day instead of two. e.g. week 1 sees PIL wed & DF thurs then week 2 sees DF wed & DM thur then week 3 sees DM wed & PIL thur. You might even be able to work it so that PIL always get the same day so easier for her to juggle work. I think it would also benefit your dc as they would see them more often so adjust quicker. This could be your reason for changing the plan (although check with the others before you suggest to DM).

Another thought is trying the Christmas plan again every few months - although your dm didn't find it ideal if it becomes clear that this is how things are going to be then next Christmas may be less traumatic. If she complains then you can point out that you are just trying to find extra time to see them but she doesn't have to come. As for wanting to be your dd's favourite that is not normal.

I did consider doing one day at a time for the grandparents, but thought it would get really confusing rememeber where DD would be each week (it's hard enough at the mo!) and also that she'd settle better if she had two consecutive days. I think for the main, this suits the GPs too as they know they've got a DD week coming up.

We hope to have the garden sorted for the summer (we only moved this year) so hopefully we can do BBQs and other get togethers then. The slight problem with them all being together is that DM is the most, assertive, shall we say and MIL is the quietest, with DSMum somewhere in between... Which inevitably means DM tries to be the one DD goes to the whole time, sings the loudest, calls her the most etc especially when DD veers towards DSMum... and MIL barely gets a look in seeing as it's not really in her nature to be loud/centre of attention.

Ok so if you had them all together your DM would shout loudest and your MIL would be quiet. Why is this your problem to solve?

You are going back to people pleasing and trying to be equal at all times. These 3 women are all grown adults. If you invite them to a party, all 3 are individually responsible for how they behave.

If your MIL would prefer to be quiet in a corner, or not come at all because parties aren't her thing, that's her choice. If DM is v loud and hogs DD, that's her choice (and everyone else might watch and conclude she's a loon) but still her choice.

All you have to do is host the party, not manage everyone's behaviour. The absolute most you should do is if DM has had DD the whole party tell her she needs to let others have a look in - which will upset her but put the two of you on a much better footing.

I agree with kundry you are almost micro-managing all their interactions with DD. I don't think you mean to, but you're just so caught up in pleasing everyone that you try to pre-empt how they will/should behave.

To be honest, I need a lie down after reading all about your childcare arrangements... I know many people have similar set ups, but for me - SAHM 2 sets of grandparents who only help out maybe an hour every month - it all just sounds so complex.

All the best for the rest of your pregnancy, you do seem like a lovely mum and daughter/DIL.

I think you sound very nice and very fair, but the amount you see the gps sounds exhausting.

Would it not be fairer to you and dh and dd to try and spend more time together?

If I've understood it right, you spend a hour or two, 2 days a week, chatting to the gps who've had dd that day? If so, why not cut that down to half an hour one day and 5 minutes the other, to give you and dd some time together at home?

I can't tell you how useful this has been. Tbh I was expecting you all to say that I was being callous for 'using' the GPs for childcare only and that I should find more time to spend with them.

I've never really thought of myself as a people-pleaser but I think the O (obligation) and G (guilt) from FOG have got me good and proper!! I think it stems back to my childhood and trying to make sure I was equal to both my parents after they split. I guess I feel bad in some way too that PIL have their time diluted because of my two sets. Plus DH is a bit more removed/detached from his parents than I am to mine (though I'm beginning to see that that is how it should be) so I feel like one of us needs to be duty-bound.

And you're right I am micro-managing their time and behaviour. DM can be so overpowering at times that I guess I'm perhaps a little insecure that DD will end up preferring her. That sounds totally ridiculous I know! Also I knw I can be a control freak and its only recently that I've wondered if this again a hang up from my parents splitting up - ie my world was turned upside down when I was 7 and I felt totally powerless to it all. I was told that that was how it would be (ie moving out of my lovely house, changing schools, my stepdad moving in etc) as that's what the grown-ups had decided. So now that I have aspects of my life that other people don't need to control, I guess I'm trying to protect myself from being powerless again. That's not to say I think I abuse my position as DD's mother, but perhaps I'm (inappropriately???) wary of "give an inch they'll take a mile" - specially with DM.

Geez. I'm a bit of a nut job eh?? Feel silly really as I know there people with far worse problems out there...

I feel I should also point out that I don't recall either of my parents ever asking me feel like I should or didn't treat them equally. I think this was just something my confused 7 year old head created...

Oh and do you know the really ironic thing about all this??? We moved back to the uk from abroad when I was pregnant to be closer to friends and family.... It's only when I think back that I recall DM saying, in jest supposedly, "I'll never forgive you if you have children over there" and massively question why we really did move back, particularly when DH didn't really want to.........

Gah.

Ahhhh. A lot of pieces begin to fall into place. And you have nothing to feel silly about; dealing with the aftermath of your parents' divorce is tough all round. It affects me more now that I have a ds than it did in most of the years since I became an adult. It profoundly affected my childhood, even though it was the right course of action for my parents to take. (I have ended up with a huge blended family and both my parents have made successful second marriages so all in all it was a win).

In fairness a desire to return to the homeland when you're pregnant is a relatively normal one but, yes, I would question to what extent you were influenced by a desire to please your mum. Your story reminds me a little of another MNer who is currently beginning to look at some of the pressures a family member has placed on her over the years through the OG of FOG. She actually didn't move abroad to something that would have had a major benefit for her career because of the pressure this family member put on her.

What I suspect will happen when you have a summer BBQ (and I say when, not if, because you absolutely should do it) is that your DM will end up having a blow up about the fact that your dd prefers the other two grannies. This used to happen quite often in my blended family; my step-dad's ex-wife is somewhat overbearing, likes to be the centre of attention and wants to be Favourite Grandma. Children tend to gravitate away from such pressure and towards calmer seas. I truly wouldn't worry that your dd will prefer your DM, it's much more likely you'll have to manage the fall-out of her not doing so!

Use the run-up to your next maternity leave to start setting expectations and putting boundaries in place. The last thing you want with two small children in tow is to be flogging yourself round to see everyone for the exact same number of minutes week after week. You need and deserve time at home, alone, with your children.

And listen to what you've said about one of your causes of guilt. You feel bad because your DH's parents aren't divorced and yours are! Well, you didn't get to choose either situation, it simply is what it is. Your dd isn't a cake that needs to be shared out according to some arcane formula of fairness (one quarter cake to each blood relative so half to your PIL and then a quarter each to your own parents).

I would have a long chat with your DH about this. You may find he has views he's been keeping to himself so as not to feel like he was undermining your relationship with your parents.

Could you switch the gp care to one day every 2 out of 3 weeks? It would increase the frequency of each set seeing your DD but would come to the same number of days.

I'd avoid taking your DD out of nursery to be cared for by GPs more, as I think that nursery is great if it works for your DD.

I find this really interesting as we seem to be one generation on from this experience. My PIL had problems with their parents clamoring for more time and counting the time they spent with the other set.