Xmas Presents - £1000 v tin of Quality Street WWYD?

[MizDemeanour]

At my wits end – this problem has been going round in circles in my mind and I don’t know what to do about it, so I hope that the good people of MN can give me their opinion and help me decide what to do.

Every year, my family spend Xmas Day at my parents. My DFiance drives me there, chats with parents for 30 mins or so, then goes off to his brothers (his only relative) for Xmas afternoon. For the past few years we three children ie brother, sister and I have been given £1000 each – lucky me. A few years ago, I noticed that my BIL has also been given £1000. This happens every year. After Xmas tea my DF returns from his brothers and spends 3-4 hours chatting with my parents and gets given a tin of Quality Street – although this year he was given…no present at all. I feel so sorry for him, being snubbed like this, we’ve been happy together 20+years, bought a house together, got engaged. My parents seem to get on well with him, so I have no idea why he is treated like this. I became disabled a few years ago, and DF had to give up his job to look after me, he cooks, cleans and does everything for me – I couldn’t manage without him – yet he gets no acknowledgment from my family for what he does for me.

Its not all about the money – we live frugally so I must admit £1K for me is very gratefully received – my Sis and BIL earn about £50K between them and said that they will spend their money on a holiday this year. If BIL had been given a jumper and DF ignored I would feel the same as it’s the lack of acknowledgment for him and all that he does that really annoys me. He has said to me “why do your parents not like me” and I don’t know what to say.

So, what to do about it? I cant ignore it as it happens every year. If I say anything to my parents it seems as if I am moneygrabbing, and I don’t really want to fall out with them – they are in their 80s now and not in the best of health and I don’t want to taint their final years with a family feud, but I really cant tolerate the way they snub my DF the way they have.

Thanks for reading this far - any advice please anyone?

Maybe it is a marriage thing...I.e. once your df becomes your dh, he might get a family present like your bil ?

Jesus, 1k each?!

Although you and him feel like he is being snubbed, surely all that extra money going into your household is enough to make you both happy?

I'm sorry to say I think you're going OTT. There's no feud here. He isn't being snubbed. Presumably they're talking to him yes?

I'd have told them it wasn't on the very first time it happened,

Just as I always told my Nan that every time she slipped me money and not my DSIS (younger siblings are all spoilt [confessed]) I would half it with her.

I was also thinking it may be a marriage thing ?
You've been together a long time, and so he should already be seen as part of the family, but maybe they don't see that until it's more 'official' ?
Plus does he never stay for Christmas Day ? While everyone else ( including BIL ) do ? Might be something in that maybe ?

I too would ask them outright if there was an issue.

I don't think it's right that parents are unfair with their children. However maybe they genuinely feel a closer bond with their son in law and consider him a part of their family, someone who spends christmas with them. While you are unmarried your partner is just that, your partner but not a member of your parents family.

DSIS wasn't spoilt, her DS2 was.

To be fair my uncle was 8 years younger than DDad and Grandpa had a well paid job rather than being in the wartime RAF

I think they don't class him as family as you aren't married. This is quite often the case with older people in my experience.

If it was me I don't think I would take it too much to heart. They can give what they want to, surely?

I think that it must be to do with your marital status. If they are in their eighties, then they simply might not see your fiance in the same light as a husband - after all, when they were born and growing up it was still seen as 'living in sin'. Living together was just not recognised in the way that it is now.

Not my view, but quite probably still the view of many of their generation.

Or, if you really want to do so, why not just ask them? Maybe don't ask them why your DF has not received something, but comment on how kind and generous they are to everyone including BIL and see if that leads anywhere. However, I would probably not do so myself as I think that you will probably be opening a family pandora's box and all sorts of other stuff could come out.

You arent married, he makes small talk for half an hour and then goes to his family, coming back far later to take you home. Perhaps they feel he is less family than your brother in law.

I am not saying that is true, just wondering if perhaps that's how they feel. perhaps marriage makes a difference to them. Perhaps being with them does. Who knows. What does he do to show he feels part of the family? Maybe they dont feel he feels it iyswim .

If it upsets you - and i totally understand its not about the money - then talk to them.

I agree that it's probably because you are not married.
In any case, ask them.

Why not just ask them? I Do agree though, it's maybe the marriage thing but they could of at least got him a small box of chocolates or something.

I would talk to them. It's not the amount of money it's the exclusion. Ask them why he never gets a present?

I agree that it's because you're not married, OP. A lot of older people think that a man who lives with a woman isn't fully committed to her.

I have to say I find it odd that you're engaged after so many years together - do you plan to marry?

I find it odd that your fiancée drops you off and goes to his brothers after all these years and perhaps that's why your parents don't treat him equally . Why do you not both spend the whole time at your parents and then go to his brothers together another time ,like the evening ? Bizarre .

I would be annoyed by this too. Maybe it is the marriage thing but the only way you'll truly know is by asking. I don't think what your df does on Xmas day should have any bearing on it, perhaps his brother has no other family and he doesn't want him to be alone.

Floral has a good point. Couldn't his brother spend the day at your parents too and your DFiance spend the day with you and your family too? That he drops you off seems like he really isn't part of your family.
Would he do the same if you were married?

How is he otherwise with your parents and family?

Are you absolutely certain that bil gets it too, or is it an assumption?

Regardless, I think it is entirely up to your parents tbh. I can't think of any way at all that you could ask without sounding horribly cheeky. £1000 between two of you is an astonishingly generous gift anyway.

I would speak to them. Having a conversation about this doesn't have to turn into a feud, especially if you emphasise how grateful you are for their gift to you.

What other posters have speculated might be right, but until you broach it you'll never know and it might be something entirely different. Or it could be that they have done this unthinkingly and once it's pointed out, will be horrified that it's been received as a snub as they get on with your partner so well.

My view on gifts is that they shouldn't have conditions attached, so marriage and him spending time with them on Christmas Day shouldn't come into it at all. You say he has a good relationship with them and they like him, so it would seem odd if they felt a gift was dependent on him marrying you or his presence on one day of the year. It's a bit of an assumption too that he's the one dragging his heels in the marriage stakes or that you don't value time on your own on Christmas day with your birth family, isn't it?

Have you ever discussed this with your Dsis or Bil? Have they never commented on the disparity? It would make me feel very uncomfortable in their position and I'd have to say something to my parents if I felt either me or DH were being treated more favourably. It also has the potential to engineer an avoidable sibling rivalry which could live on long after your parents.

It's not necessarily about conditions attached, but they may well not see him as "part of the family".

Surely they don't think of him as one of the family because he isn't.

Thankyou for all your replies!
I was married once, in a LTB situation until I ended it - my parents have said that so long as I'm happy, they are happy, so I dont think the marriage thing is an issue - we have other family members co-habiting and theyve never commented to me about their feelings on the matter.

Yes, BIL gets the gift every year that I have - I thought that the first year was a one off gift to us all, but theyve done it every year since, and yes he definitely gets the same amount - BIL and Sis were talking on Xmas Day about the holiday that it will pay for.

DF does not stay for Xmas lunch - parents have a small 6 seater table and there would be 7 of us - he feels he wouldnt want to embarrass mother as a hostess by sitting in the lounge for Xmas lunch.

I'm quite happy for him to go to his brothers house - he is his only living relative now that their parents have died.

To all of you who commented on the amount of money - yes I know that I am extremely lucky, but TBH it causes so much trouble I wish that they would just give us all a tin of QS!

I may not be able to reply again today, but thank you all for your views and giving me much to think about.

Really?

I just don't understand how a marriage certificate makes someone 'part of a family' especially when they've been playing the role of a family member for 20 years.

I don't spend any more on married in-laws than I do on relatives' partners and honestly don't know anyone who makes these distinctions, including octegenarians!