Xmas Presents - £1000 v tin of Quality Street WWYD?

[MizDemeanour]

At my wits end – this problem has been going round in circles in my mind and I don’t know what to do about it, so I hope that the good people of MN can give me their opinion and help me decide what to do.

Every year, my family spend Xmas Day at my parents. My DFiance drives me there, chats with parents for 30 mins or so, then goes off to his brothers (his only relative) for Xmas afternoon. For the past few years we three children ie brother, sister and I have been given £1000 each – lucky me. A few years ago, I noticed that my BIL has also been given £1000. This happens every year. After Xmas tea my DF returns from his brothers and spends 3-4 hours chatting with my parents and gets given a tin of Quality Street – although this year he was given…no present at all. I feel so sorry for him, being snubbed like this, we’ve been happy together 20+years, bought a house together, got engaged. My parents seem to get on well with him, so I have no idea why he is treated like this. I became disabled a few years ago, and DF had to give up his job to look after me, he cooks, cleans and does everything for me – I couldn’t manage without him – yet he gets no acknowledgment from my family for what he does for me.

Its not all about the money – we live frugally so I must admit £1K for me is very gratefully received – my Sis and BIL earn about £50K between them and said that they will spend their money on a holiday this year. If BIL had been given a jumper and DF ignored I would feel the same as it’s the lack of acknowledgment for him and all that he does that really annoys me. He has said to me “why do your parents not like me” and I don’t know what to say.

So, what to do about it? I cant ignore it as it happens every year. If I say anything to my parents it seems as if I am moneygrabbing, and I don’t really want to fall out with them – they are in their 80s now and not in the best of health and I don’t want to taint their final years with a family feud, but I really cant tolerate the way they snub my DF the way they have.

Thanks for reading this far - any advice please anyone?

He doesn't stay for Christmas lunch because of the size of the table , I think that's simply a ridiculous excuse ,I can't imagine living with someone ,and seeing how it seems remotely normal to not have Christmas dinner together . Again bizarre !

I would say he's not seen as part of the family as he never stays for Christmas lunch. Given they are obviously well off, I'm sure they could sort an extra place at the table (or buy another table lol). You can't have it both ways in all honesty.

Does he involve himself in other family events?

I feel really sad for your DF and the way he looks after you and cares for you and then a place can't be found at a dining table for him ? last year when my DD had just moved into her new place we where short on chairs and DGS sat on an upturned washing basket so no excuse for not having a chair I'm affraid.

We have a tiny table but squash 6 and even 7 round it for birthdays etc, on stools and bedroom chair etc as well as the 4 dining chairs.

Not able to fit a 7th person round a 6 seater table? How odd that the alternative is for him to sit in a different room.

Your parents might see you as being happy, but still need a child to be married before they will accept their partner as officially part of the family.

And, it's their money, they can give it to whoever they like. My mil used to give bils girlfriend quite extravagant gifts.... And buy me something fro the charity shop. The girlfriend is long gone but I still get obviously 2nd hand items but life is too short to stress about it any more.

I think it's very likely that the reason is that you're not married

But - and I'm sorry to tell you this - it's their money

I wouldn't say anything

I find it odd that your partner goes to his brothers house. Why is the brother not invited over to your parents larger house? That would be the obvious thing to do. The whole set up is odd.

But in answer to your question your partner isn't seen as part of the family for several reasons; marriage, the fact he doesn't eat with you at Christmas.

Your parents probably think he is your carer and not your DF as that is how you all seem to treat him.

The table issue is really bizarre. How odd and what an excuse not to invite someone to lunch. Perhaps you could use some of your £1000 to buy your parents a new table. Or all of you could pay to go out to lunch then your DF and his brother can join you too.

All so odd - there are more important issues here than the £1000.

Him not staying for Christmas lunch makes him seem like less of a part of the family to an awful lot of people on this thread (me included). Are there other aspects of your relationship/how you do things that could contribute to this feeling and this is why (cumulatively) your parents do not see him the same way as your DBIL?

Most families have issues with table size/table ware/chairs at Christmas. They make do with odd stools, picnic tables etc because for families being together as a family is what is important.

Perhaps you not including DF in plans means that they don't either? I would want to mention that 'did you forget dfs gift his year mum' on the quiet, but probably at the time not now. Its happened in our family that things have been so well hidden before christmas that some haven't been brought out.

Sorry, I haven’t explained the situation properly as I didn’t want to clog up the board – but here goes. My parents have a small table that they have had since 1960 – its about 5 foot by 2 foot 6 inches and 6 people are squashed round it – they’ve bought replacement tables in the past but didn’t like them and went back to the original. They have had other family members for meals and they are the ones that eat in the lounge – I’ve suggested that they move the table into the lounge for Xmas meals but they said that they eat in the kitchen. On the one hand this is laughable, and yes, bizarre, but on the other, this is the way they live and I have to respect/put up with that.
Your comments have been v useful – its made me think that my parents are in a time warp – they have their “nuclear” family of 3 children and one BIL in their heads and cant adapt to change, whether it be my DF or other family members. For instance, there have been several instances when DF has arrived prearranged at the house to carry out some repair only to be told that BIL has been and sorted it.

As posters have said, its their house, their life and their family (however they see it) – I have to accept that. However, I also have my life and my family ie DF and the two are obviously incompatible. So to avoid further and ongoing stress in MY life I will have to step back from them and go our separate ways – sad, but I think that best for my mental and physical health, which has taken a battering since this problem arose. I live 30 mins away, so will still be there for them for when they get ill, but I cant keep visiting them every week, knowing their attitude to my DF. Many thanks for all your opinions.

Are you basing their attitude towards your DF purely on the christmas present he receives or are there other things that they do to make you feel this way? Stopping visiting them seems a bit extreme if it's just the former.

Extreme response, I agree.
I don't see how money can't come into it; £1000 is too much to ignore and pretend the discomfort is merely about principles.

I think I would focus on fairness to the grandchildren, rather than fair gifts to the adults. Effectively those £1000 gifts help the grandkids out.

Really. You're going to step back from your parents in such an extreme way because they didn't get your DP a gift? I'm sorry but that's a very extreme reaction and one you may live to regret. You don't even know what their attitude is towards him as you haven't asked them. Do you really want to distance yourself away from your parents because of one incident?

Is something else going on to this? Because you're talking about your physical and mental health and to be honest OP if this is the only thing that's affecting it then you need to get stronger.

Don't you think you are exaggerating?
They are your parents. They seem a little stuck in their ways, but nothing overly toxic.
They may not like your DF that much, but that's life. You don't have to cut them completely, but maybe just share more with your DF, for example, have Christmas lunch with him and his brother and then visit your parents. If they want you around they will have to ask him to stay. That's how you show support for him.

Your DF may well not stick around. Why is he a fiancé, but you haven't married yet?

Again bizarre !

Yes this does seem to be a rather extreme reaction, but I also think it's odd behaviour to start a thread knowing that you won't have time to engage on it and respond to replies.

If you're going to cut your parents off and only see them when they are ill OP, I presume you won't be cashing their cheque?

Please don't fall out with your parents over money

It will be something you will regret - and you may then think you would give anything to go back to how things are now

BiL obviously carries out a lot of work in the house, and does a lot for the parents. He is the one they rely on and see as part of their family, rather than extended family. Your parents see your BiL as they see you...one of their own. They don't see your DF in that way.

It's not fair to withdraw without talking to them first. Get the facts before you make a decision.